Chapter 12

Evan was furious with himself. He contemplated calling her back but decided against it. What could he say? That he had messed up yet again? What had the information done? Only hurt her again and possibly shattered her illusions.

The man was not just her pastor, he was her substitute dad and from what he had seen – from what he had heard from her, the family had treated her like one of their own. Except that he had noticed the way the wife looked at her.

Like there was suspicion there. Did the woman suspect there was more than a father/daughter relationship going on between them. He had dug a little deeper and was aware that the pastor was also having an affair with a widow, and they met up almost every evening at her place.

It made him cynical and resigned to the fact that men would always be merely men. He had seen it with his own dad and uncle. The two men had attended services at the massive Catholic church every Sunday and never missed a function.

They had contributed heavily to the coffer, which ensured that whatever they did was glossed over. The priests turned a blind eye to the gossip that was going on and they were given the best seats, ones that were reserved for them.

Their money bought them a lofty position at the chapel and after being aware of what was happening, Evan had felt only contempt for so-called religious people.

He had stopped attending services as soon as he was able to control his own decision and nothing, they said, had changed that. No number of threats had gotten through to him. On that, he had remained adamant.

Meeting Cassandra had changed his way of thinking, but finding about the man who stood at the pulpit and talked about love and forgiveness was as human as the rest of male population had transported him back to the past.

It was not fair on her, and he was positive that she was different. He knew instinctively that she was as pure as the driven snow.

What troubled him was how far her devotion to the man went. Was she blinded by his faults? Was it a fact that she thought he could not do anything wrong? If that was the case, then he had hurt her again. But what did it say about her ability to be objective?

Pushing away from the desk, he strode over to the window to stare out at the encroaching darkness. The rumbling of his stomach reminded him that he had barely eaten anything. But his appetite was shot.

Hurting her was doing crazy things to his stomach and he could not bear the thought of her suffering. He would give her some time to get over his thoughtless comments before calling her again.

*****

One cup of coffee was her limit. Anything more made her jittery and hyperactive. But last night she had been unable to go to sleep. His words had reverberated inside her brain so much, she thought she was going crazy. Praying had not made things any better.

She was up at the crack of dawn and spent almost an hour exercising by turning up the speed and going at a rate that had her heart pumping out of synch. As soon as she was finished, she stepped off the machine, her feet almost buckling, the jelly like feeling causing her to sink down on the floor.

After cooling off for a few minutes, she had attempted to have her devotion before taking a quick shower. The devotion had been quicker than her shower, which left her feeling as if she had cheated herself and her Savior.

Now she was on her third cup of coffee and felt on the verge of tears.

She had a full schedule today. It was the day of the soup kitchen, and the list had grown from fifty to almost a hundred. It was also the day of fasting as well as Bible study and she had volunteered to stay back and help with the refreshments for the children.

She was close to tears. He was right. The pastor, the man who was like a dad to her, the man who had given her so much, was in trouble.

He was having an affair; his wife was gone and had been gone for two weeks and it did not appear that she was coming back. Darcy was away doing all manner of evil and there was a discrepancy in their accounts. But she did not like hearing all of that from a stranger.

He wasn't a stranger, was he? The voice taunted her.

"No." She whispered, blinking the tears away. And she was a hypocrite who had shied away from the truth. He wanted them to have a conversation, to see where they were going from here and she had shut him down. Coming to a decision, she reached for the phone and placed a call.

Evan was in the middle of a meeting with his CFO when he saw her number coming up.

Cutting the man off in midsentence, he took the call.

"Hi."

He went weak at the sound of her voice.

"Hi." Waving a hand at Gavin, he indicated the meeting was aborted. Waiting until he had left and closed the doors, he gave her his full attention. "I was going to call you later after you had time to forgive me for putting my foot inside my mouth."

"I thought about it and realized you are right. Oh, did I interrupt a meeting?"

"Nothing important." He assured her. "What was I right about?"

"I am not a hypocrite." He heard her sigh. "I always told myself that I will always be real no matter what. It doesn't matter how much I care about the person; I am never going to look past that person's fault. No one is perfect. Russell Baptist has been my family…"

"Cassandra…"

"No, please let me finish. Pastor William has been there for me, ever since I can remember and has always shown me the utmost love and absolute kindness. I owe him a lot. But he is human, and I know that."

"I shouldn't have said anything." He murmured contritely. "I keep hurting you and I cannot bear that."

"I am fine." She assured him. "You said you want to talk, and we will. I don't know how this is going to work, but I want to try." He heard the catch in her voice and felt as if his heart was melting.

He had meetings lined up and his phone was ringing off the hook, but he did not want to end the conversation. Her voice was becoming his lifeline.

"I have to go. It's a full day today and I have a lot to do." She hesitated slightly. "Will you call me later?"

"Try and stop me. Any particular time?"

"I am going to be finished here until seven."

"I have meetings as well, so around that time is fine for me. Cassandra?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks for calling me. I dreaded not hearing from you again."

"I will always call you." She promised.

"I hope so. Talk to you later." He hung up and sat back in the chair, a smile touching his lips. The phone rang again and brought him back to reality.

*****

Her mood improved drastically after the phone call.

Not even the irascible Brother Calvin could get to her when he started complaining about the draft in the music room. She was feeling euphoric and happy. She was in love with a wonderful man. He might not be part of her faith, but she was certain it was ordained by the Lord that they would be together.

For now, they were playing it safe, and she could not believe he was the one to come up with the idea that they stay separated for now.

She was not going to worry about it. She loved talking to him.

If he was willing to do it this way, then she would be okay with that. They will make it work.

Her faith was shaken later in the day when Pastor William made his appearance. He had called to tell her that he would be doing home and hospital visits and would be gone for most of the day. But he came back earlier than anticipated.

She had avoided questioning him about his wife and what was happening there. He had not said anything to her, and she figured he deserved his privacy.

She was just collating some music sheets and placing them in colored folders when he walked in.

"Hi, I thought you would not be back until late." The expression on his face had her turning around to face him. "What's the matter?"

"Sister Shirley succumbed to her injuries this afternoon."

"Oh." Sitting on the edge of her desk, she drew in a breath and let it out. He looked haggard and disheveled, unlike the neat and tidy man she was accustomed to.

He was wearing a thin cream sweater and jeans, but it was wrinkled as if he had just dragged it out of the dryer and his hair was tousled as if he had spent the time running his fingers through the thick strands.

"Where is her husband?"

"At the morgue." Pastor William went to the small table and poured a cup of coffee. "It has been a very long day."

"That poor family." Everett's had been going through a lot over the past three years. First, they lost their home in a fire that had taken everything from them. The entire community and the church had bonded together and repaired the house. Fortunately, the family had been away at the time.

Afterwards when they were recovering from that devastation of nature, Alton Everett lost his job due to a fall that had broken his hip and left him limping and having constant health problems.

A year later, Shirley had been diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer that had progressed rapidly. Now she was dead, leaving the family adrift. Shirley had been the heart and soul of the family and now she was gone.

"I know we are supposed to rejoice whenever a saint has passed away, but right now, I need a minute or two or even a day to come to grips with the plan of the Lord."

Putting the folders away, Cassandra felt as if the weight of the world was pressing on her chest. She had always been well-behaved, always followed the dictates of the Bible and whatever was taught. But right now, she felt adrift herself.

"It's not about me. Alton and his children are the ones going through all of it and we have to show them our support."

"They will." He agreed, watching her curiously as she rearranged everything on her desk. First, she moved the folders and stacked them neatly so that the corners lined up precisely together.

Then there were the notebooks she insisted on using to take her notes. His frown deepened when she reached into the drawer on her left to take out a Clorox bottle with wipes and started to clean the already glossy desk.

"Cassie?"

"Yes?" She did not look up from her frenzied task.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing."

Putting away his cup, he walked over and placed a hand over hers to stop the constant motion. "Please talk to me."

Pulling her hand from under his, she tilted her head to stare at him.

"I admired you." She spoke softly, feeling the burning sensation inside her chest. Her eyes wandered over his lined face. It looked as if he had aged years in just two weeks. He looked tired, his eyes bloodshot.

"I barely stopped myself from putting you on a pedestal. But you were the one who said to me that you don't deserve it. That the only one who deserves my unrestricted and absolute devotion was the Lord. But you came second. You were a great dad and a wonderful husband.

Or so I thought. Until you started to fall apart. I understand that it must have been completely devastating to you and the rest of the family. I am part of that family, and I mourned Chad's death. I had a crush on him…" her eyes sparkled with tears and her throat felt tight.

"He was like a brother to me, so I had to ignore the fluttery feeling inside my stomach. He would laugh at me and told me that one day I was going to find a guy who was worthy of me. I knew that Darcy resented me and felt that I had taken her place."

She was too near to him and wanted space. Pushing back her chair, she rose and went to get a glass of water. Staying next to the small table, she looked at him. "I also know you have broken your vows to your wife." She took a swallow of the water and almost choked. The look on his face broke her heart.

He was a good man who was trying to do the right thing, but he was failing and that was getting to her. The rumors were flying around, whispers about the family and if it continues, it will destroy the ministry.

She had seen it happen, men of God falling further and further away from their calling and bringing down an entire ministry with them. She loved him too much to just stand by and let it happen.

"Cassie." His voice was hoarse and right before her eyes, he aged even more. Sitting on the edge of the desk, he hunched his shoulders and buried his face in his hands.

It was early afternoon, and she was not expecting anyone, but on the off chance that someone pops in, she would never like them to see their pastor in this defeated position.

She opened her mouth to say as much, but he lifted his head just then, his eyes moist with tears. "I am stepping down." The finality in his voice had her staring at him in shock.

"No." She shook her head hard. "That is not the answer. Pastor…"

"I have to." He drew in a breath and struggled to compose himself. "Yes, I have been seeing someone who is not my wife. I have gone further than adultery. I have fallen in love with her. She is there for me and at this point, I need someone." He rubbed his hands over his denim clad thighs, his chin wobbling.

"I have disappointed you, let you down and for that, I will regret it for the rest of my life. You must know how much I love you, Cassie." He smiled faintly. "You are light and hope and what a Christian is supposed to be."

"Please…"

They were interrupted by footsteps along the hallway. Jumping to his feet, he headed towards the entryway that led to the main exit. "I am going home. Just…," he gestured helplessly. "Make some excuses for me. I am not feeling well."

Cassandra managed to compose herself before the mother and daughter stepped into her office.

*****

Evan felt like a giddy schoolboy with his first crush. He rushed through the meetings and had a hard time trying not to show his impatience when his management team filled the meeting with inane questions and concerns. Finally, he had to exercise his authority by abruptly declaring the meeting over.

Then he had to meet with an associate who had flown in from Texas just for that purpose. The man was accompanied by his wife who insisted on taking her time to pore over the menu and interspersing her words with ‘Oh my gosh!' and Lawd Almighty.' By the time dessert was being served, he was ready to call it a night.

Glen McCleod, the gregarious Texas rancher saw through his thinly concealed impatience and irritation and ordering another cup of coffee and blueberry crumble for his wife, insisted on following him out of the restaurant to the brightly lit parking lot.

The valet drove Evan's car and parked it under the Porte cochere, handing him the key fob and tipping his hat.

"I must apologize for my Lorraine." The man detained him as he was about to open the door. "She is lonely." There was a melancholy expression on his broad craggy face. "We lost our daughter to a vehicular accident a year ago and today is the anniversary."

There was a bleak look of pain on his face. "I just wanted to take her out of the house and have her with me." His eyes touched Evan's face. "I sincerely hope you never have to live through the pain and grief of losing a child, son."

Evan felt his irritation melting away. "I am truly sorry for your loss."

"Thank you." Glen clapped his large, callused hands together. "Pleasure doing business with you son. I dealt with your daddy and uncle, and I have to tell you that you put them to shame. It is good that you are your own person and not following in their corrupt footsteps." Flashing a grin at Evan, he went back in.

Settling inside the butter soft bucket seat of his Porsche, Evan gunned the engine and was out of the parking lot and onto the street in a flash. It was almost seven thirty and traffic was still heavy on the road. Deciding not to wait until he reached home, he pressed the icon on the steering and dialed her number.

She answered on the second ring, much to his delight.

"I got caught up in meetings. I am sorry."

"It's fine."

A frown touched his brow. "What's wrong?"

"We have a death in our church family. She had cancer."

"Oh, Cassandra, I am sorry. Were you close?"

"We were. She was a sweet woman and despite going through so much, she always had a smile on her face." He listened as she told him about their house burning down and the husband's accident.

"Oh Christ. That's rough."

Her silence continued until he grew concerned. "Cassandra, talk to me."

"I need you."

"Cassandra…"

"Please." She whispered and he realized she was crying. "I just need you to hold me."

He thought about it for a full minute, before turning the car around. She just needed to be held, and she was crying. He could not go to his place and simply ignore that.

She was sitting on the porch swing when he pulled his car into the driveway. Switching the headlights off, he climbed out and strode towards the porch, clearing the steps quickly. Without a word, he sat down and pulled her onto his lap.

His heart contracted when she simply buried her face into the sweater he was wearing. He rubbed her back as she sobbed quietly, her fingers clutching his sweater.

For several minutes they stayed that way, even when her crying had subsided.

"Thanks." She whispered.

"You are more than welcome. You were that close to her?"

"It's not that."

Shifting slightly, he tilted her chin up and studied the tear drenched cheeks, the bright eyes and the spiky lashes. "Then what?"

She told him about the conversation with her pastor.

"It's my fault." He said grimly. "I shouldn't have said anything."

"No." She closed her eyes briefly. "I have been meaning to say something to him for weeks now and kept putting it off."

"Is he really stepping down? How is that going to impact the ministry?"

"Negatively." She murmured sadly. She had been feeling miserable, her life spinning out of control, but with him here, it felt right again. His strong arms were wrapped securely around her, and she felt as if she could handle anything.

It never dawned on her at that moment that she was coming to rely on him too much. "I tried calling him a few times, but his phone was off."

"He needs time."

"Yes." Twisting her chin away, she placed her head on his broad chest and inhaled his scent. "You came."

"Was there any doubt?" His voice was husky, his touch gentle.

"After what we spoke about not seeing each other…"

"You needed me, and I will always be here when you do."

"What's going to happen?"

"Shh." Wrapping his arms around her, he kissed the top of her head. "I am here now, and this is exactly where I want to be. With you in my arms. The rest is insignificant. It is just here and now. Understand?"

She nodded, her fingers gripping his sweater.

"You make me feel as if everything is going to be okay."

"It will be." He whispered.