Chapter 11

"Girl, you are an idiot." Marsha held up a hand to forestall the protest and explanation she knew was coming. "The guy is running scared, and I never known you to back away from a challenge. I saw the way he looked at you as if you were the only one in the room. You are just giving up?"

"I am giving in." Cassandra leaned over to pour some more wine into their glasses. They had gone to the movies and ended up at the cottage. It had been two weeks since she heard from Evan and she was trying to tell herself that she was over him, but it was not true.

"How is that different?"

"We don't belong together, and it would have been a disaster to begin with." She had kicked off her boots inside the doorway and stretched her stockinged feet on top of the ottoman.

Fall had officially started, with the weather turning slightly icy as soon as the sun went down. She was keeping busy with the activities they had planned. During the day, she would surround herself with work, but at nights, she was free to let her memories run amok.

"Besides, he has already moved on." She had given into the temptation of checking up on him and had seen him with a stunning blonde at some movie premiere. It had broken her in two and after reading the article and staring at the glossy photos, had allowed herself to shed tears.

"I think it's just for show."

Cassandra sent her a retiring glance. "I doubt that. I still pray for him every night." Her voice turned wistful.

"I still think you should call him."

"I can't."

"Why on earth not?"

"Because he left and never called me. I waited for a week to see if he was going to change his mind. And more than that, I almost…," she took a deep breath. "I almost gave myself to him. It scared me that I was willing and eager to give up my principles, just like that."

"Honey, you are in love."

"Am I?" She mused, staring into the amber liquid. "Or was it just the thrill of being with a man like that?"

"You know better than that. You are not enthralled by celebrities. You are the most levelheaded person I have ever known. You are not bowled over or impressed by power and wealth."

"I used to think that, but he was the wealthiest person I have ever known," she lifted her shoulders in a shrug. "It was a novelty, a thrill, something forbidden and I think every woman, no matter where they are in life, should have one of those moments. He was mine."

"You don't believe that and neither do I."

Cassandra shrugged again. So much had happened during those two weeks. Ingrid was still away, and Pastor William was getting more and more morose. He was depending on her for spiritual support, but she had her own cross to bear. She also knew he was visiting his lover almost every night and it bothered her.

She was not in a position to judge another person, but she strongly believed that a minister should hold himself to a higher account than anyone else. He was God's messenger and standing behind the pulpit delivering the message each Sunday while sinning should not be happening. But she had no idea what to say to him.

She had not even told Marsha of her suspicions. In the meantime, she had discovered some discrepancies in the account that she was going to have to report to the board.

It was not something she was looking forward to. In the past, she had always been happy, always found it a joy to be part of something so wonderful, but now she was getting disillusioned, and it did not sit well with her. She was unhappy and crying herself to sleep at nights.

"It doesn't matter," she said quietly. "There are too many things going on right now, to make it insignificant."

Marsha gave her an exasperated look. "You have this tendency of putting other people's problems before yours."

"That's just it…," she shook her head and took a sip of the wine. "Aren't we supposed to cast all our cares on the Lord? I used to be able to do that. I would come upon an obstacle and shrug it off, telling myself that God will take care of it.

I am His and he promised to take care of me. Now I find that my prayer life is practically non-existent, and I am just merely existing."

"And you are trying to tell yourself that it has nothing to do with Mr. Tall, dark and handsome." Marsha shook her head. "I am all for finding someone in church, someone whose beliefs aligns with ours, but I also believe that the heart wants what the heart wants." Putting her glass down, she stared at her friend earnestly.

"I know about the rumors going around. I also know that you are so loyal to our pastor, and I cannot blame you after what he has done for you. But the whispers are there, honey.

Things are being said. His wife has not been back for two weeks, and he keeps making excuses. Something has got to break, and he is going to have to own up to the fact that he is not coping."

"Are you saying he should step down?" She did not feel comfortable discussing him behind his back, not even with her closest friend.

Marsha shrugged and picked up her wine. She was committed to her faith, but sometimes she wondered if Cassandra was wearing blinders. She supposed that after living with the family and working in the ministry, she carried around a certain amount of burden, which was not easy to bear. "He should get his life in order."

"I cannot talk about this." Finishing the wine, she rose and went to pull the curtains over the window.

"I have offended you."

"No!" She shook her head. "You know how I feel about gossiping. Especially when it comes to Pastor William."

"We are just talking…"

"We aren't," Cassandra interrupted her firmly, "he needs our support and our prayers, not our judgment."

Marsha backed down. "You are right. And I think it's time I took my leave." Putting her glass down, she rose and gathered up her things.

"It will work out."

"I believe it will. All of it." Cassandra accompanied her to the door and closed and locked it behind her. Taking up the wine glasses and the bottle, she carted them to the kitchen and sat at the counter.

She had the idea of making a cup of tea, but it wouldn't do her any good. She was not going to settle into a better frame of mind. Thoughts of Evan were still going to plague her, and she was still at a loss at how to navigate her prayer life.

Images of the photo with him holding that blonde around the waist was still haunting her. She had told her friend that she was trying to get over him and as far as she was concerned it was definitely over, but there was still this lingering hope inside her.

She could not believe that he was lost to her forever. She had very good instincts and what she had felt between them was too precious to just be ignored by him. He had felt something. It had been powerful enough to send him running away.

Marsha had urged her to call him and accused her of letting pride stand in her way, but it was not that. She was old-fashioned enough to want him to make the first move. He had been the one to leave, it had to be him to reach out to her.

Lifting her hands, she used the tips of her fingers to rub her temples where a dull headache was making its presence felt. Pushing away from the counter, she turned out the lights and made her way towards her bedroom.

*****

Evan was finding it increasingly difficult to pretend that he was all right. He had no idea why it was taking this long for him to get over her. It was not as if he had they had been intimate. And they had only known each other for the sum total of two weeks. It shouldn't be having such an impact on him.

His social life was practically non-existent. The good news was that his company was no longer in the news in a negative way.

The negotiations with the software company had gone off without a hitch and the deal was tied up in a tidy bow. Sherry had prevailed upon him to accompany her to the movie premiere, and he had done her the favor by making an appearance.

He had seen the photo of them in the magazine and wondered if Cassandra had seen it too. The press had hinted at a relationship between them that did not exist. Sherry was just coming out of a very painful divorce and was not interested in him that way.

They were just friends, but neither of them had bothered to correct the misconception. He was lonely and dejected all the time and he missed her so much that it was like a constant ache inside his chest.

There were several times he reached for the phone to call so that he could just hear her voice, to listen to her telling him some story about her children. He had not been back to the chapel but had found the link and watched the service online, just to hear her singing.

He had become a lovesick fool – Lovesick?

Where did that come from? Pushing himself away from the desk, he walked over to the cabinet to pour a drink. It was late and he was planning on going to the club tomorrow. He had committed to a game of tennis, something he was regretting now. His head was not where it was supposed to be.

Call her! The voice inside his head was clamoring to be heard.

"I can't," he whispered.

You are torturing yourself.

Taking the drink with him, he sat back around the desk, a brooding expression on his face. Perhaps he should call and apologize for his behavior two weeks ago. Would she take his call? Or would she simply hang up on him? Before he could change his mind, he reached for the phone and dialed her number.

He was about to hang up after the second ring, when she answered.

"Evan?"

Her sweet melodious voice had him going weak with need.

"Are you okay?"

No recriminations, no angry accusations, just an inquiry as to his wellbeing. He could not believe she was real.

"I'll have to get back to you on that." His voice was gruff, emotions swelling his throat. "I am sorry for calling so late."

"I wasn't sleeping."

A glance at the clock showed that it was way past midnight.

"Were you praying?"

"Trying to," she admitted candidly, "I am happy to hear from you."

"I behaved like a jerk."

"Want me to validate that?" Her voice was teasing, and he felt the tension dissolving. The knots on his shoulders were untying and for the first time in two weeks, he felt relaxed and contented.

"No!" He smiled. "I apologize."

"Apology accepted."

"I don't know what to do Cassandra. I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't want you to hurt me either."

"That's why I had to stay away from you. But it's not working. I want so much to be with you that I am finding it extremely difficult to justify staying away."

"Then don't."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

He had to smile at her simple response. "Regrettably, I am going to have to do just that. You are smart enough to realize that we cannot be in the same vicinity and not want to touch. You must also be aware of the fact that I want to do much more than that. For now, I am going to suggest that we just talk."

"Talk?"

He laughed wryly. "If anyone would have told me that I would be saying that to a beautiful woman, especially one I am so fiercely attracted to, I would have laughed at them." His levity faded as he continued. "But for now, until I sort things out inside my head, it's the way it has to be."

"How will it work?" Even the sound of her melodious voice had him going weak.

Taking a deep fortifying breath, he tried to compose himself. During the moments of self-analysis, he had come up with the solution. He wanted to be in communication with her. Her voice alone had the distinct power to soothe his frazzled nerves. The last thing he wanted was to compromise her integrity and be a detriment to her religious beliefs.

He had to respect that, and he suspected that God, and yes, he had a healthy fear of invoking the wrath of a Supreme Being! Aside from that, he wants what's best for her. In order to do all of that, he was willing to make the sacrifice and compromise.

He would talk for now. He could tell her things he could not tell anyone else, and he was over the shock and wonder of it or he was trying to understand why this petite female he had just met and who was not from his society, has such a powerful hold over him.

"I will call you every chance I get. I hope you don't mind being bored when I start discussing business." His voice had a teasing inflection to it.

"You want to talk business with me?"

He laughed at the skeptical note in her voice. "Among other things. What will you talk to me about?"

"My Sunday school kids." She paused significantly and he waited, sensing she needed clarification. "Evan, this is not fair to you, and I cannot expect you to…," she cleared her throat. "Aren't you seeing someone?"

"You are referring to Sherry. She is a friend, just that. She is going through a rather painful divorce and asked me to accompany her, and I could not say no. To be honest, I wanted to try and forget you by being with someone else, but it didn't help, he laughed ruefully, rubbing his temple with the tips of his fingers.

"So, here we are at this impasse. Everything I do makes society's pages, no matter how innocent the venture. I am used to it or rather, I tolerate it and ignore it.

But it cannot be that way for you. I don't want your name smeared all over the rags they call free speech. I am looking out for you and have to note that this is the most unselfish thing I have ever been asked to do.

I cannot be around you and not want to…," he searched for the right word and came up empty. "Not want you. I see you in my dreams and wake up feeling… hot and uncomfortable. Do you understand what I am trying to say?"

There was silence on her end, and he wondered if she was trying to assimilate the strangeness of their situation. It was testament to how much he wanted her for him to be making what he considers to be the ultimate sacrifice.

It was not just about the physical for him. He wanted her with a desperation that was frightening! But he had to think about her as well, what she would be facing if it was even hinted that they were together.

"I am trying to." Her soft voice interrupted his musings. "I am yearning for you too. Try and understand this as well, I wanted to just chuck what I hold dear and be with you. If you had…,"

"I know." He filled in the blanks when her voice petered off. "I felt it and that is when I stopped. If I had continued, we would have ended up in the front of my car and you deserve so much more." Leaning his head back, he closed his eyes briefly.

"You are the most appealing person I have ever met, and I cannot get you out of my mind. How are you?"

"Better now. Much better."

He smiled at that. He wanted to ask her if what she said about loving him was true or it was just a spur of the moment thing. But he could not chance.

He would be unable to say it back to her and the last thing he wanted was to hurt her more than he already had. He wanted to protect her from anything and everything. "I am happy for that. Am I keeping you from sleeping?"

She laughed softly.

"Probably, but I want to hear your voice."

"It's the same for me. I want to ask what you are wearing, but that would not be a good idea."

"No. What are you doing?"

"I am supposed to be working out the fine prints of a contract and not getting anywhere. We have a fleet of lawyers for this sort of thing, but I studied law at Harvard and prefer to go over the contracts myself to see if there is anything they missed.

We are taking over an airline that has been limping for the past ten years, barely hanging on by a thread and the accounts are in the worst tangle I have ever encountered. It's a wonder they are still in operation."

"Hearing you talk about taking over an airline brings me back to the fact that we are worlds apart."

Lifting a hand, he rubbed the back of his neck. "Does my status frighten you, little one?" He asked her softly.

He waited while she paused again and could almost picture her pulling her bottom lip between her teeth. Sighing softly, he forcibly put that disturbing memory away.

"Whenever we have been together – at the chapel and that time we were having the picnic, you were just someone I love to be with and that is it. But ever since you left, I have been tormenting myself by reading up on you.

The companies you took over, the resources you have at your disposal, and it shows me that I – we…" She stopped, and he waited. "How is this going to work? Am I kidding myself about us? Is there an ‘us'? What are we doing?"

"I cannot believe you are second guessing yourself." He chided gently. "You are the positive one. I have been reading up about your God. I don't own a Bible of course, but there are different versions on the internet, and I am trying to understand what you are so fascinated about.

There are some things I don't get, such as why did He place a tree inside the Garden of Eden if he knew it was going to be a source of temptation for the couple? Why did Cain commit fratricide? Couldn't he have stopped it?"

Her soft laughter had him smiling. "I have asked Him all those questions myself. In order to understand the complexity of the Bible, I had to seek help from experts and pray for understanding from the Holy Spirit. We can make salvation as simple or as complicated as we want. The simple explanation is that we were made with free will.

We get to make choices because the Lord wants us to want to be in a relationship with him. And we have sinned and come short of the glory of God. We are a fallen people, imperfect and flawed."

She paused again. "I teach Sunday school, and my kids are very curious, they have an incredible aptitude for learning. Because of that, I must do my research. Which is very good because I am learning in the process. I am happy you are reading on things for yourself."

"That's not all I am reading Cassandra." His voice had turned sober. "Whenever we extend a helping hand or take an interest in something, whether it be business or an individual, we do our research and it's pretty much comprehensive." He paused and pushed forward to lean a hand on the desk.

"We did our due diligence when we identified where we would be handing over that substantial amount of money to. Your church's account is in trouble.

The figures are not adding up, which in my estimation, means that someone has been dipping into the till. On top of that, your pastor and his wife are separated. The daughter is dabbling in drugs and has been hauled into jail for several offences."

This time the pause was so long, he wondered if she had hung up, but he could hear her breathing.

"You had no right." She whispered hoarsely and then hung up.