Chapter Three | Ethan

Saturday was one of my favourite nights of the week. After a long day at the coffee shop, I looked forward to our relaxing weekly tradition. Owen and I had started hanging out to watch a movie every Saturday night years back. The movie didn't matter as much as the opportunity to connect.

Owen was my best friend. Had been since high school. We had been the art geeks of our four-man group. Didn't matter what medium we used. Paints, stencils, clay … we loved them all. In my office, I still had some of the wonky ceramic bowls I made when I was sixteen.

As adults, occasionally, we would take part in a paint-and-sip class. Combining painting and drinking far too much wine was a fun way to unwind with him.

But I liked movie night better.

I went into the kitchen. There were times every few months when Saturday nights with Owen felt like a lifeline. My bubbly personality had a dark underside that sometimes made an appearance.

It was during those times when my friendship with Owen was tested.

At least from my perspective. No matter how hard I pushed to cancel movie night, Owen would show up on my doorstep. He never told me to look on the bright side or snap out of it . He just held me in his arms. Let me cry if I needed to, kissing my head, and making me cups of tea .

My intercom buzzed. Owen was always on time. 7 pm. We started our movie nights early. I liked to be in bed no later than 9:30 pm unless I had arranged a hookup for later.

A guy has needs.

Tonight, I'd be foregoing a quick fuck. Having Daniel come into the shop today had thrown me off. Quite unexpectedly, I found myself not wanting to sleep with anyone until I figured out what Daniel was looking for … if anything. He'd been nervous as hell today. Charismatic as ever, of course, but there had been tension behind his eyes. It had been a big step coming to see me.

Then he had praised me, and I'd just about melted.

Never in my life had I reacted that way to a few simple words. Daniel expressing his pleasure with what I had done with my business gave me tingles up and down my spine.

I'd come close to whimpering.

The absolute desire to nuzzle my face under his chin, inhaling the scent of him and his approval had been strong. Replaying his words made me feel warm and safe inside.

Owen knocking on my door broke my thoughts.

I let him in. "Welcome, sir."

Owen held up a red chip bag. "I come bearing snacks."

"Then I shall love you forever." I tousled his tidy ginger hair, messing it up.

"What are we watching tonight? It's your choice this week."

We flopped down on the couch. I grabbed the clicker and turned on the television. I called up a streaming service. "There's a new movie out. Looks hilarious. Sharks in Paris."

Owen groaned. "Classic Ethan movie."

"It'll be good for a laugh. We watched your depressing movie last week. "

I tore open the chip bag and grabbed a handful of the powdered cheese-covered, triangular corn chips. I'd already put two bottles of diet cola on the coffee table for us.

A few minutes after the movie started, Owen rearranged himself on the couch, putting his feet in my lap. I stared at him. "I'm not rubbing your feet until I finish eating these chips."

Owen grinned at me. "I can wait."

The movie was gruesome in a hilarious way, it was so unbelievable. Somehow these sharks had adapted to living in fresh water beneath the streets of Paris.

The semblance of a plot dragged on.

I wiped my hands reasonably clean on a sheet of paper towel and pulled off Owen's socks. He groaned as I started rubbing one of his feet. "Daniel came to the coffee shop to see me today."

Owen lifted his head from where he was reclining on the couch. "Really?"

"Yeah, showed up this afternoon looking all kinds of gorgeous."

"To see you?"

"No other reason for him to be there. He seemed nervous."

"Did you get a chance to talk to him?"

"I took a break. Chatted with him for a while." I moved to Owen's heel, digging my thumbs into it. He rested his head back on the cushions behind him.

"I think he'll come back," I added.

"You think he's interested?"

"His eyes said yes ." I switched to his other foot. "He's divorced."

"From a woman?"

I nodded. "Married for twenty-two years."

"Kids?"

"Two. "

Owen sighed. "I don't know, Ethan. Seems like a lot to take on. You'd be walking into an instant family with kids probably not much younger than you."

"That's crossed my mind."

"Also, what if he's freshly out? Or not out at all."

I shook my head. "I know. I don't know if he likes men for sure. I flirted with him a bit. Made him blush. But maybe he was just embarrassed." I released a long breath. "The way he looks at me, though. There's longing there. But the fact it took him six months to come to see me is a bit of a red flag. Maybe he's not comfortable with his sexuality. He might not be ready for me."

Owen snickered. "Are you referring to what a needy bottom you are?"

I pinched his baby toe, and he jerked his foot away. "Be nice." I shoved his other foot, and he sat up, feet back on the floor. We watched the movie in silence for a while. The sharks were attacking a group of swimmers. My head jerked, surprising me, and I realized I'd nodded off.

I moved down the couch, stretched out, and put my head on Owen's lap. His fingers were instantly in my hair, carding through it. I rarely made it to the end of a movie.

Tonight was no exception.

I never found out the conclusion of the shark apocalypse. Owen nudged me awake sometime later, the television off, and guided me down the hallway to my bedroom.

"You have anyone coming to play with you tonight?"

I wasn't about to tell Owen the truth, that I was putting my sexual needs on hold, waiting to see if anything would happen with Daniel. It felt right to save myself for him—for now.

"Nah. Me and my cock need some sleep. "

"Then I'll bid you sweet dreams." Owen kissed me on the back of my head then shoved me stumbling into my room. I could take it from here.

Owen would use the key on the hook by the door to lock up and then drop the key through the mail slot. I waited until I heard the it dropping onto the floor before closing my bedroom door.

My bedtime bathroom routine attended to, I slipped between my sheets and called up the dream I'd been having in the living room. Daniel and I walking along the beach, holding hands.

Daniel stroking his fingers through my hair.

Daniel whispering words of encouragement into my ear.

I hummed, lost in those words.

They lulled me to sleep.

I opened another six small paper bags and set them on the counter, ready to receive leftover baked goods from the last couple of days. I did this twice a week to keep the items as fresh as possible. The homeless of our city deserved the best food I could organize to give them.

I popped the last six muffins into each of the bags. I had twenty-three bags in all with quite the assortment of loaf slices, muffins, cookies, and chocolate éclairs. I retrieved two boxes that the butter had been delivered in and tucked all the bags into them.

Before I headed out, I checked in with the front-of-house staff to make sure I could take off for an hour. They were managing fine without me.

Twenty minutes later, I pulled off Pandora Street onto a slip road lined with tents, tarps, garbage, and destitute wandering souls. I found a spot to park outside the homeless shelter and leapt out. A few people recognized me and waved. One made his way over to my car .

"Bakery man!"

"Hey, Lucas. How have you been?" I accepted his extended hand and gave it a firm shake. Dignity. It's the least I could offer one of the residents who found themselves living down here.

Lucas was a regular. It was hard to tell how old he was. Maybe mid-thirties. He'd been living rough for years, I'm sure. But he was always dressed nicely. Even if his clothes were a bit dirty.

The sunbaked man liked to be stylish and typically sported a bleached mohawk and eyeliner. I noticed he had on brand-new shoes and wondered when he got them. There always seemed to be an abundance of newer clothing and shoes being dropped off by the community.

Lucas was right up on me after the handshake. I took a half-step back. The pungent smell coming off him was overpowering. I knew the deal with the public shelter showers. You could only book them once every two weeks. And you only got fifteen minutes under the spray.

"Planning on going into drug treatment," Lucas announced.

I smiled at him. "Awesome! Good for you." I didn't mention that he had been telling me that for months and yet twice a week, he was still here.

"Can I give you a hand?" he asked.

"Sure." Lucas always helped me carry the boxes. His reward was me locating a chocolate chip cookie for him. I lifted the back hatch of my car and we each took a box. I locked up and we walked across the street to Our Place . Someone held the door open for us.

The head coordinator, Vincent, was behind the shielded desk. He'd become a good friend; I saw him so often. We set the boxes on the donation table, and I found Lucas' cookie.

He was off with a wave .

I leaned against the counter, peering in past the plexiglass. Vincent slid the panels apart, creating a two-foot space, and grinned at me. "How's the sunshine man today?"

I laughed. It was Vincent's nickname for me. Sunshine man . I couldn't help that I smiled more than most people. I found everyday things to be wonderous and amusing. Unless I was in one of my low periods. Then it was impossible to find any joy in everyday life.

"I have been having an excellent weekend. You?"

Vincent's expression changed to frowning with his brow dipped. "We're still recovering."

"From what?"

"Goddamned bylaw swept through here three days ago. Gave everyone fifteen minutes to pack up their stuff then went in and threw tents, sleeping bags, clothes … everything into a dumpster."

"Fuck." I dragged my hand through my hair. "Why do they do that?"

"Because they're heartless bastards. These people have nowhere else to go. Those were their homes the city so thoughtlessly trashed. It would be different if there was housing available, but there's not. Throwing away everything someone owns is not going to get them off the street."

"What do you need?"

"God, I don't know. The community has stepped up, bringing down clothes and sleeping bags and handing them out. There are a few people without tents still, though."

I fished my phone out of my pocket. "Just give me a sec."

I opened a group text.

Me: Emergency situation at the homeless shelter.

Liam: What's up?

Me: Bylaw did a sweep. Took everything .

Noah: Assholes.

Owen: How can we help?

Me: Could you each buy a tent to donate?

Noah: I can grab us five. Brody will want to contribute too. You can all pay me back."

Liam: I think Canadian Tire has a sale on.

Noah: On it.

Me: Thanks guys!

I turned back to Vincent. "Okay, my friends and I are pitching in to buy a few tents. I'll coordinate with Noah. Hopefully, he can drop them off tomorrow morning before it rains."

"That is awesome." Vincent's broad smile was back. "Thank you."

I began walking toward the door. I needed to get back to work. I had things to do before tonight's Salish Sea Society meeting. "Hand out those treats before they go any staler."

"They'll have seen you come in. Those goodies won't last long."

"See you in a few days." I waved and pushed through the door to outside. I had to step over a broken abandoned bicycle to get to my driver's side door. It had left a small scratch on my paint.

I wasn't going to worry about it. My car wasn't exactly pristine.

In my mind, as I drove, I planned out the email I was going to send to the city regarding their despicable ongoing sweeps of the homeless camps. It wouldn't be the first time I'd contacted them.

I never received an answer from anyone .

I was in a bit of a daze, thinking, as my day progressed in the coffee shop. I was incredibly lucky to have what I did. To have the upbringing I had. The support of my family. My friends.

I'd never even asked Lucas about his story. Perhaps I should.

Once the shop was closed and quiet, I retreated to my office to work on payroll. I became absorbed in it, working through the numbers. Each stroke on my calculator made me think of Daniel and how much time he must spend each day sitting at a desk doing calculations.

I took a break and made myself some tea and ate one of the leftover breakfast sandwiches cold. After another hour, I headed home for a shower.

Before I left the apartment, I checked Liam's social media accounts. I'd been noticing a trend. Well over ninety-five percent of his followers fed his need for attention. Exuberant and seductive compliments on the half-nude and workout body photos Liam posted multiple times a day.

It was that other five percent. They were ruthless. Not sure why they followed him. They seemed to hate him. They'd been increasing their comments about Liam's advancing age. That he should be embarrassed by his maturing body. That he was too old to be showing it off.

It was all nonsense. Liam was in incredible shape. A body I'd be jealous of if I didn't know what he did each day to achieve it. The obsessive working out. The limited diet.

I was worried about him. He would take every one of those negative comments to heart, discarding the positive ones. Noah had told me Liam was spending more time in the gym and that he was talking about getting more cosmetic surgery. If we let him continue, he would spiral. It had happened a few times before when depression and self-loathing had almost consumed him .

Liam was on my mind as I wandered into Noah's pub.

We always met in the same spot in the pub. A snug near the rear with four wood-paneled walls topped with frosted glass and a single doorway. It was as private a space as was available.

My spirits lifted as I made a beeline for Noah standing by the bar and wrapped him up in my arms. I clung to him until he laughed and hugged me back with equal exuberance. Then I gave him our customary smack of a wet kiss in the middle of his forehead.

He complained. But he loved it.

"Evening, Ethan," Liam shouted from behind the bar, laughing at the kiss I'd given Noah as he pulled a full pitcher of beer that would soon end up on our table. "I'll meet you in there."

He looked to be in a good mood.

I tugged on Noah's elbow. "I have news."

Noah snorted. "You always have news."

"This is extra special news." I took my usual seat at our table on a chair facing the doorway. I hated having my back to a door. Watched too many horror movies in my youth.

Liam and Owen came in together and took their usual seats. Owen gave me a wink and a smile. I could hug him and Liam later.

"So, apparently, Ethan has news," Noah said.

"He struck it lucky once again," Owen complained. My best friend didn't have any animosity toward me when it came to our very different love lives. Owen had never had a long-term relationship. I'd had three. Although they hadn't resulted in forever love, they had been healthy. They were all great guys. It just hadn't worked out. I was still friends with all three of them.

I clapped my hands together. "Daniel came in to see me yesterday. "

"Jeez, finally," Liam said. "I thought we'd given up on that guy."

"I think it took him a while to work up his nerve." I poured myself a pint of beer. "That's the impression I got anyway. We talked about his family. He's divorced."

"He was married to a woman for twenty-two years," Owen added. "He has kids."

"Doesn't mean he can't go after what he wants," Liam said. "Our Ethan is a catch."

"Is that what he wants?" Noah asked. "Does he want you that way?"

"He certainly knows how to get my motor running." I took a sip of my ale. "We did some flirting. And he did this thing … a bit unexpected. Kind of a new sensation for me."

Noah frowned. "What did he do?"

"Complimented me and the work I've done around the coffee shop."

"I'm lost," Owen said. "So what?"

"It was my body's reaction that threw me off. I wanted to crawl into his lap and have him keep talking to me as I nuzzled against him. For him to keep the approving words coming."

No one spoke.

Then Liam started laughing.

It irked me. "What's so funny?"

"Ethan, my friend," Noah said. "Sounds like you might have a bit of a praise kink."

I furrowed my brow. "That's never been a thing with me before."

"Maybe Daniel brings it out in you," Owen concluded.

I wasn't sure if that revelation should concern me. I'd always loved attention, but I never considered myself to be needy like that. To be desperate for praise.

I took a sip of my beer .

Maybe Owen was right. Something about Daniel's presence yesterday had released a secret cage of butterflies in my gut. I suspected I would never feel whole again until he put his hands on me. His touch would soothe me and make me feel safe. And I desperately wanted that.

"Maybe," I said.

"My turn." Owen drew the attention away from me. "I've decided to start dating again."

"Oh, thank God." Liam stood and caught Owen's hand in an arm-wrestling grasp across the table. "I couldn't bear another dream recollection of you being fucked by some celebrity."

Owen retrieved his phone. "I've updated my dating profile."

I reached for his phone. "Let me see." I took Owen's phone and scrolled through the profile he had written for himself. It was boring and so not sexy. "Reads like a job posting."

Liam snagged the phone out of my hand. "Let me spice it up."

Owen groaned. "Please don't. I'm not looking for a one-night stand. I want to find a husband. Whatever you write is not going to appeal to a man who wants the same thing."

"Not true," Noah said. "Guys looking for husbands want hot sex too."

"That shouldn't be the first thing on their minds." Owen tapped on the table. "Liam."

Liam was typing furiously and grinning.

"Brody and I started doing something new," Noah said, distracting us from Liam's flying fingers. He leaned toward the table and checked over his shoulder. "In preparation for having kids in the house, we've started spending our evenings in the bedroom to watch television. It's led to an interesting development … sexually. It's something we've been working up to."

He paused for way too long.

Oh, my God.

"Spit it out, Noah," I blurted.

"Okay." He checked over his shoulder again as if he expected a server to come into the snug. He must have decided it was safe, but he lowered his voice. "As you know, we like to watch game shows. Jeopardy is our favourite. While we have the television on, I don't need to be watching it, so I spend my time lying with my head in Brody's lap, holding his soft cock in my mouth."

"Cock warming?" Liam exclaimed with far too much exuberance and volume.

Noah waved his hands at him. "Shh."

"Why on earth would you want to do that?" Owen asked while holding his hand to his forehead. The admission would be blowing his mind. The sex Owen had was vanilla at best.

Noah leaned back in his chair. "It soothes both of us. Amplifies our connection."

"I think it's hot," Liam said.

I laughed and shoved Liam. "You think everything sexual is hot."

"Not wrong." Liam handed Owen his phone across the table. Owen opened what I assumed was his dating app profile. His eyebrows nearly disappeared into his hairline.

"I can't use this." Owen looked up at Liam.

"Humour me," Liam replied. "Make me a deal. Use it for one week. See who you get. At worst, you're going to be busy in the sack. At best you might find Mr. Right."

Owen sighed. "Fine."

Noah patted Owen's shoulder. "You'll survive."

Easier said for Owen. Survival. The more I thought about Daniel and his comforting words, the more I felt as though I was slowly running out of air. Every moment I was away from Daniel was bringing me closer to my demise. That I'd somehow suffocate.

Daniel held the key to my breath.

Our goodbye had been awkward. Daniel hadn't been able to commit to coming to see me again. For all I knew, he'd never come back. I chewed on my bottom lip. I chose to believe he would. I lifted my phone, opened each one of my dating apps, and muted my accounts.

He was the only man I wanted on my mind.

The only man I wanted touching me.

I'd let him make the next move.

And if he didn't … I might have to hunt him down.