29. The Moment I Lost My Soul

29

The Moment I Lost My Soul

Declan

The lake is perfectly still this early in the morning.

It’s a mirror reflecting everything rotten that lives inside me.

Sometimes, I think if I stare at the water long enough, it stares back. The eyes of the people I’ve sent to the bottom watch me through the dark depths, reminding me I’m a monster. Especially considering I feel no guilt for putting them there.

Better their flesh feed the fish than mine.

That’s the interesting thing about guilt: you don’t have to feel it to be guilty. I’ll burn for my sins, whether I regret my actions or not. And all that matters now is ensuring Teal isn’t burning beside me if this turns bad.

Every second around her breaks me open a little bit more. It uncovers another dark depth I didn’t know existed. Having her in my bed at this cabin makes me question how I’ll let her go back to her own when we return to campus next week. She’s completely embedded.

Resting my head back, I rock my chair slowly, and it creaks against the unstable planks that make up the cabin’s deck. This early in the morning, the forest is nearly silent, so I hear every splintery rock of the chair against the wood. A few birds chirp in the distance as the day comes to life.

If I were na?ve, I’d think this is what peace feels like, but I know better. Rochester Lake is the reminder there’s no escaping hell with the sins notched in my soul.

This is purgatory, but I suppose that’s better than whatever waits for me once it’s all over.

It’s almost summer, but the chill of spring is still crisp in the air this early in the day. Dew makes the tree leaves glisten with the rising sun, and the earth is cold and unforgiving. If I took a shovel to the ground, it would be like digging in concrete, which is why there are more bodies in the lake than in the land around here. And it says everything there is to know about me that I know that.

The front door to the cabin creaks open, and my chest tightens for a moment, thinking it’s Teal. She was asleep when I woke up, and I’ve been waiting for her on the porch for a little over an hour.

I was tempted to strip off the blanket and fuck her awake, but she was peaceful, which is rare for her. No tossing and turning, and from what I could tell, no nightmares. It felt wrong to disturb her when she spends most nights battling the demons inside her head.

Demons I’ll slay along with the people who put them there the second she puts a face to them.

The front door to the cabin swings open, and Violet steps onto the porch. Her eyes widen when she spots me.

“Oh—” She stumbles back a step, and I think she might disappear back into the house, but she doesn’t. “I didn’t know anyone was up.”

“Is Kole sleeping?”

She shakes her head. “He’s taking a shower.”

I hope the running water doesn’t wake up Teal.

Violet watches me, chewing the inside of her cheek. She sways like she might go back inside, but she walks out onto the porch instead, closing the front door behind her.

“Something wrong?” I ask when she continues to stare.

“No.” She stops at the railing, leaning on it. “I’m just still waking up.”

She’s lying, but I don’t call her out on it.

“You two were out late last night.”

“Yeah.” She avoids my gaze like it will give her away, not considering that Kole is my best friend, so I’m already well aware of what they were up to.

He doesn’t talk about his twisted kinks just like I don’t talk about mine, but we’ve lived together long enough to know most of each other’s secrets.

“This is awkward, right?” Violet turns so her back is to the railing, and she’s tapping her heel against it. “You and I haven’t really spoken since… ”

She trails off, not finishing that sentence. She’s thinking of the night Braxton kidnapped her in an effort for the Westwoods to take Sigma House. They figured tainting Ian Pierce’s illegitimate child was the perfect plot for revenge. Kole and I might have saved her, but the things she witnessed that night aren’t easy to swallow. So I understand why she can’t finish her thought.

“So what are your thoughts on this fucked-up family reunion then?” I ask her, trying to read the worry on her face.

She bites her lip. “It’s uncomfortable.”

“To say the least.” I chuckle, and the smallest smile cracks in the corner of Violet’s mouth.

“Sorry, I’m not good at this whole sibling thing. My brother and I were never close either.”

“Emmett? Right?”

I nod.

“I looked you guys up after I found out.”

“Cyberstalking the family?”

“Not like—I just—”

“Kidding.”

It doesn’t take much to rile her up.

“I get it. This must be a lot for you too.” I tip my chin up. “Finding out you’ve not only got a dad but two brothers. Not that you’ll see big bro around. He’s too busy running Dad’s East Coast campaign operations for when he runs for president.”

“Of the United States?”

“Yeah. Hence, keeping you in hiding.”

“Oh.” Violet’s shoulders deflate .

“Don’t worry, he won’t actually get there anymore.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Well, for one…” I wave my hand at her.

“Me?”

“Don’t feel bad about it. He got what was coming to him.”

“You’re mad at him for keeping me a secret, aren’t you?”

Mad .

Such a sweet and innocent word to describe such a fucked-up situation. It makes me wonder if Violet got all the good in the Pierce bloodline, and that’s why the rest of us are so fucking evil.

“It’s more complicated than that,” I tell her.

“Because of Sigma House?”

I nod.

Violet’s blue eyes look off at a distance. “Does your mom know about me?”

“Yeah. She does.”

“That explains last night.”

“What happened last night?”

Violet shrugs one shoulder. “She kept watching me when everyone was eating. Everywhere I went, it felt like she had her eyes on me. I guess I don’t blame her. I’d hate me too.”

“She doesn’t hate you.” I lean forward, resting my elbows on my thighs. “I don’t even think she hates my dad for it.”

“What makes you say that? ”

“I confronted them about it right before this trip.” I tap my thumb on the armrest. “She didn’t so much as flinch when I mentioned you. She knew all along.”

“I can’t imagine.”

“Love isn’t the driving factor in my parents’ relationship.”

She bites her lower lip. “Still, it’s hard to process. I couldn’t be in a relationship like that.”

“It’s a good thing Kole’s obsessed with you then.”

Her cheeks turn bright red, and she’s staring at me like she’s trying to figure out how much I know.

Too much, considering this girl’s my sister.

“Are you and your mom close?” I change the subject, and Violet’s expression washes with relief.

“Very. My mom’s always been there for me. Even when I think she couldn’t really understand me, she supported me through it.”

“That’s good.”

Violet fascinates me because we’re an experiment of nature versus nurture. We have the same blood running through our veins, but we were raised in opposite environments.

“I was lucky to have her support growing up,” Violet agrees.

“Must have been. She sounds like the opposite of dear old Dad.”

“I’m sorry”—Violet frowns—“you grew up with him.”

“I didn’t know any different. And now that I do, I get why you aren’t jumping at the chance to join the family. ”

“I don’t blame you, Declan. I hope you know that. You’re Kole’s best friend, so I don’t want it to be awkward. It’s just—”

“Violet.” I lean back in my chair. “We’re good, okay? Just because you’re my sister doesn’t mean we have to suddenly pretend we’re close. I’m here if you need me, but otherwise, it just is what it is.”

Her eyebrows pinch, and I can’t tell whether she’s relieved or hurt by my statement.

I’m not the best with comforting words, and I can’t be her brother. Not really.

If someone hurts her, I’ll protect her because she’s my blood, and Kole cares about her, but that’s the extent of what we are.

I stare out at the lake as a duck lands in the water, sending ripples across the full length. They’re so small they almost get swallowed with what little daylight breaks.

“Thanks, Declan,” Violet says, pulling my attention back to her. “I never got to say that after what happened. But thank you for being there.”

I’m not used to people thanking me when I don’t do good deeds, so it catches me off guard. “Anytime.”

“So you and Teal, huh?” Violet laces her fingers together in front of her.

“What about us?”

“You were kind of an asshole to her for the last year and a half, so it’s just strange seeing you guys like this. That’s all.”

“I was an asshole longer than that.” I smirk, missing Teal’s sassy little tongue a little at the reminder and considering how I can piss her off later to get a hit of it.

“Oh.” Her eyes widen like she doesn’t know how to process my admission. “But now you guys are fine?”

“You’d have to ask her.”

“I’m just making sure this isn’t just you fucking with her—”

“It’s not.”

She eyes me skeptically.

“Where’s that sisterly trust?” I grin, and she rolls her eyes.

“So now we’re siblings when it suits you?”

“That works for me.”

Violet shakes her head. “Of course it does.”

The front door cracks open, and once again, that tightening in my chest hugs my lungs. A pressure that deflates when Kole slips out of the house.

“You were supposed to wait for me.” He narrows his eyes when he sees her standing against the railing.

“I did.” Violet looks around. “I’m right here.”

He walks over, grabs her hand, and pulls her against him.

I didn’t understand Kole’s constant need to have his hands on Violet until Teal stormed through my defenses. Now, there’s this burning emptiness that eats me alive when she’s not nearby. It aches, and I don’t know how to fill the gaps .

“I’m going to go check on Teal.” I climb out of my chair, not waiting for Kole to acknowledge me as I walk back into the cabin.

Kole couldn’t care less about me when Violet is around anyway, and that’s for the best. I didn’t come here to bond with my friend or figure out my relationship with my sister. I’m here to remind everyone that Teal is mine, and there’s no changing that.

Not even Tealene Donovan can save herself from me now.

Walking into the cabin, I get a hint of the cinnamon potpourri that tries to mask the cabin’s mildew scent. I follow the trail up to our room and crack the door to find Teal still sleeping. It’s been six hours, which is thirty minutes more than she usually stays asleep. I hope whatever she’s dreaming about is peaceful and calming.

I’ve never wanted good things for anyone before her.

Sinking onto the bed, I brush her hair from her cheek and watch her, pulling out my phone to take a picture.

There’s this constant fear living inside me that I’ll lose her. That she’ll slip through my fingers if I’m not careful.

Brushing her hair back again, I watch her eyebrows pinch.

The nightmares are trying to take hold of her again, and I’d like to wake her up. I’d like to tell the truth. I’d like to come clean. I’d like to save her if she’ll let me.

Instead, I lie beside her and hope she’ll whisper her secrets from her dreams. That she’ll tell me what I’ve been after since I first listened to those recordings of her therapy sessions .

Longer than that.

Since Alex first brought her to Montgomery Psychiatric Ward.

I need a name.

She thinks I’m a monster, but she has no idea what’s really out there. She can’t comprehend the real reasons I am the way I am. She doesn’t remember the moment I lost my soul.

Someday, she will remember it all.

And when she does, I’ll remind her why we’re eternal.