19. Time Changes Us

19

Time Changes Us

Teal

Sometimes, I can’t tell whether my doctors are trying to help me or if they’re working against me. But then again, paranoia is a side effect of my current medication, so these thoughts could just be my pills.

Side effects are counterproductive.

Medication is supposed to help, but there’s a risk it might also make me worse. If that’s the case, are they really helping at all?

That’s probably why I responded to Declan’s text, even if I was upset with him after what happened at Sigma House. He asked how I was doing, and as much as I wanted to tell him to fuck off, I had this greater need to get it out.

I thought if I sent my feelings out into the universe, I could get them off my chest. And it worked for a split second. It felt good to open up to someone when I spend so much time fighting it.

Why that person is Declan Pierce evades all good sense, but it is what it is.

After all, Declan is my boyfriend.

Kind of.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and focus on the hum of the elevator. The one constant in my life has always been Declan, whether I like it or not. While everyone else wavers, depending on how presentable I am or what I can do for them, Declan has always treated me the exact same. With the full brunt of his attention—even if he uses that to torture me.

And now that we’ve blurred these lines, I’m left feeling even more connected to him. Through pleasure and hate.

He was right. I’m lying to myself if I try to pretend our night together meant absolutely nothing, and I hate it.

I lean against the back of the elevator and wonder if he knows he’s the first choice I’ve ever really made for myself in my life. My parents chose my schools, my treatments, and my medications. They’ve had a say over my friends. They even selected my dorm room and my studio.

But Declan, I chose .

He might have initially forced the arrangement, but when he brought Cora in and asked me to either be with him or not, I fully submitted myself to him. I could have walked away. I could have let Cora have him.

I didn’t .

He’s mine to hate. Mine to bother. Mine to subject to my torment.

I pull out my phone and type out another text.

Teal : Selfish. Possessive.

Teal : It’s overwhelming.

None of those feelings are a reaction to my medication, but I send it anyway, unsure if my one-word sentences will make sense to him. I have to get it out. It’s crawling like rot through my veins, taking over every inch of me. The thought of Declan focusing on anyone else, good or bad, has my skin itching.

My phone buzzes in my hand.

Declan : Ditto.

We never say enough for me to know what we’re talking about, and yet, he’s the only person in my life who makes sense to me.

The elevator jolts, and my stomach plummets when it comes to a stop at the fourth floor. The doors slide open, and I step out, wishing I could have just met with Dr. Parish at his outpatient office today.

It’s been three years since I called Montgomery Psychiatric Ward my home for four months after my suicide attempt, and being here still makes my skin crawl. No matter how much time passes, I feel sick when the bleached, sterile scent of these walls floods my nose.

If my life could be cut in half, it would split at that point. The me before I was here and the me after. The girl who stopped in the middle of the road, and the girl who doesn’t remember why she did it.

Holes .

You’d think forgetting why I no longer wanted to be here would leave me at peace, but it doesn’t. If anything, it makes the emptiness worse.

I walk to the reception desk, eyeing the clock on the wall behind it. I’m not supposed to meet with Dr. Parish for another fifteen minutes, and he’s never running early.

Still, I check in on the kiosk and opt to receive a text when it’s time for my appointment. Then I make my way down the hall to the minimum-security ward I used to call home.

Not everyone here is being held against their will. Only those on the fifth floor are actually locked behind a door that requires a code to go in and out. When I first got here, that was me. They kept me in a room with a mattress and a sheet. There were no beams or bars on the windows because they couldn’t risk me making a noose of my sheet and using them to end it.

It took me two weeks to make it to this floor because, at that point, I no longer had the will to fight their attempts to cure me. Much less escape.

Moving down the long hall, I pass the room that used to be mine. I glance across the hall and see Benny Walters still there, rocking back and forth, staring out the window. Sometimes, I used to join him, wondering what he saw out the window that was so interesting he couldn’t take his eyes off it. It took a couple of weeks to realize it was nothing—and that was the point.

It was quiet.

It was peaceful .

I walk a few doors down and find it open. Glancing inside, I see Alex sitting on the bed, writing in a notebook. Patience said he was writing again, so it’s good to see that’s true.

From appearances alone, an outsider wouldn’t think anything of Alex if they walked past. He’s well cared for at Montgomery, with his own private suite. The Lancasters have more money than the Pierces, and they use it to ensure their son gets everything he needs.

On one side of his suite is a bed and a tall dresser. Across from it is a couch with an elliptical and weights. The far wall is lined with windows, and a long-cushioned bench runs the length of it.

If it weren’t for the Montgomery Psychiatric Ward logo on his white T-shirt and gray sweats, he could almost be mistaken for a visitor.

Walking into the room, I know he hears me. I’m not quiet. But he doesn’t look up or say anything. At school, the rumors are that he hasn’t spoken in two years. Ever since his botched Sigma Sin initiation. I don’t know if that’s true or if he’s just selective in who he talks to now, but I’ve never heard him say anything.

He doesn’t look up at me as I walk deeper into the room, and my heart hurts thinking about how much he’s changed from the kid I remember growing up with.

Patience’s older brother was always extremely outgoing. He was everyone’s friend and one of the few basketball players who was actually nice to people who didn’t run in his social circle. He was even kind to outcasts like me .

If we crossed paths in the hallway, he’d smile. And when I dropped a stack of books in the rain, he stopped to help me pick them up, hiding them under his sweatshirt so they wouldn’t get ruined, even as he was soaked through.

I don’t know what happened in his initiation, but he’s a different person now. Sometimes, I think it’s because his soul was too good for Sigma Sin. The devil rejected it, and now he’s here, paying the price for that torment.

“Hey, Alex.” I sit on the couch across from him, but he doesn’t look up.

When his door is open, I come in here to wait for my appointments because it’s better than the waiting room, and Patience says he likes company.

Since Alex doesn’t seem to mind, it’s become my routine. After all, he was there for me once. It’s only right that I am there for him. I’ll always owe Alex for saving my life.

Little did I know that in a couple of years, we’d trade places, and he would be the one here.

“It’s good to see you writing again.” I glance around the room. “I’ve been painting a lot. Keeping busy. I got into Paris.”

His pencil pauses for a second before he goes back to whatever he’s writing.

“You’re probably wondering why I’m here if things are going so great, right?” I laugh, even if neither of us is amused. “I guess that’s how it works when you’re clinically depressed. Just because I’m pushing through doesn’t mean I’ve escaped the demons in my head.”

I tap my foot on the ground, looking out the window .

“Maybe you’ve got it figured out, staying in here. Patience told me your parents gave you the option to leave, but you didn’t. I didn’t get it when she told me, but now… it’s so hard sometimes.” I comb my fingers through my hair.

I glance at Alex, and he’s still writing. The fan overhead breezes through his golden-brown hair, tossing it around on his forehead. When he was younger, it used to be blond like his sister’s, but over the years, it darkened.

Time changes us.

He reaches up to brush it back, showing off the scarred skin on the back of his hand and forearm. Rippled memories of what Sigma Sin did to him.

“Teal.” Patience’s voice comes from the doorway, surprising me.

I jump up and find Patience and Mila watching me.

“Hey.” I hurry across the room, forcing a smile. “I had an appointment. Hope you don’t mind.”

Patience’s eyebrows furrow as she looks from me to her brother. “It’s fine.”

Her tone doesn’t match her words.

“Well, I should get going.”

“Wait.” Patience stops me as Mila brushes past her and makes her way into Alex’s room. “Can we talk for a second?”

I nod, and Patience follows me out into the hallway, out of earshot of her brother.

“Is something wrong?” I ask.

“What were you doing in there? ”

“You said he liked the company.” My eyebrows pinch with my confusion. “I was just saying hello.”

Patience crosses her arms over her chest. Her white-blonde hair is pulled up in a high ponytail, showing off the sharpness of her cheekbones.

“I know who you were with the other night, Teal.” Patience’s tone is sharp and cold. “You disappeared with Declan and didn’t come back to the dorm until the next morning.”

I’ve been avoiding my roommates so I wouldn’t have to have this conversation, but clearly, there’s no more hiding from it.

“Declan and I had some catching up to do. We needed to talk,” I say, tucking my hands in my pockets.

“ Talk ?” Patience narrows her eyes. “Like Violet was just talking to Kole when their whole thing started. Come on, Teal. I’m not an idiot. And even if I was, there’s this…”

She pulls out her phone, scrolling through it for a moment before flipping it around so I can see the screen. She has Declan’s social media pulled up, and the most recent picture he posted is one of me.

It’s a profile of my back with the sheet pulled up to my neck. My face is hidden from view, but the colorful blonde hair is a giveaway that I’m the girl in his bed.

I snatch the phone from her hand, staring at it. He took a picture of me when I was sleeping, and he posted it online. I really wish he would stop taking this relationship so seriously.

“It’s complicated.” I hand her phone back to her.

“It’s not though.” Patience rolls her shoulders back. “Not too long ago, my brother was there for you when you were at your lowest point. What does it say that you’re spending time with the person who put him in here?”

“Declan wasn’t—”

“Don’t even finish that sentence. Declan’s father is one of the heads of the fraternity, and Declan is their president. I don’t care whether he was the direct cause or not. He’s responsible. How could you do that to Alex?”

“I’m not doing anything to him.” I take a step back, my defenses flying up. “And you don’t know if Declan did either. You and I were still in high school, Patience. Remember? No one knows what happened but them.”

“You can’t trust them.”

“Or what? You’ll stop being my friend? You can’t cut out every person who does something you disagree with. What kind of life is that?”

“Like you’re one to talk about good life choices.” Patience narrows her eyes, judging me.

We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember, and she’s never used my depression against me until now.

“I get that you’re protective of your brother, but that was low.”

“I’m sorry, okay?” But even if she wants to mean it, her posture is stiff. “I care about you as my friend, Teal. I’m telling you; Sigma Sin brings nothing good.”

I huff out an unamused breath, shaking my head. “You spend so much time worrying how they’re getting to me, or Mila, or Violet; I don’t think you see that you’re the one they’re actually affecting, Patience. Your resentment will eat you up inside if you aren’t careful. Trust me, I know.”

My phone pings with the notification from my appointment. At the same time, Patience’s phone rings, cutting off whatever she is about to say.

“Take it.” I step back. “I have an appointment to get to.”

Patience frowns, letting her phone ring for a second longer before answering it.

There’s nothing else to say. It’s easier for Patience to judge and lay blame than admit her brother might never come out of this. And as understanding as I’ve been, she needs to let it go, or it’s going to ruin her friendships.

Patience walks into Alex’s room, stopping just inside the door to talk on the phone. I look past her to see Mila sitting on the window seat with her legs crossed under her. She’s staring outside while she rambles on about something like she’s good at. Her fingers tangle in her brown hair as she pulls it back in a ponytail, and when the clouds break in the sky, the sunshine draws out red streaks in the strands.

Alex is still sitting on his bed with his notebook in his hand, but he’s no longer writing. He’s staring at Mila and listening to everything she says. His face is blank, but his eyes show a hint of light when I thought Sigma Sin burned that out of him.

My phone buzzes again with the notification of my appointment, and I turn back down the hallway, even more anxious than I was when I got here.

Maybe Patience is right. Maybe I’m wrong.

Maybe I’m losing my mind.

Teal : Maybe I’m crazy.

Declan : Maybe we all are.