Eighteen
EIGHTEEN
Josie
"You look like you're deep in thought."
I blinked my eyes and shook my head. It had been a vain attempt to rid my mind of the thoughts that had been plaguing me.
This specific situation—Huck noting I was deep in thought—left me feeling two conflicting emotions, both of which had everything to do with what was on my mind to begin with.
First, it didn't come as a surprise to me that Huck noticed I was distracted. It had become clear to me rather quickly just how astute Huck was. Nothing got by him. And the best thing about it was that Huck didn't ignore what he observed. Where someone else might have overlooked what I was feeling, Huck preferred to confirm I was okay. There was a level of comfort I felt with that.
But the thing that had come as a surprise to me was that Huck noting I was lost in thought didn't leave me feeling any level of fear. If I'd ever heard Kurt say those same words, I'd have been immediately concerned that I was about to suffer physical blows to my body for daydreaming or being distracted.
I was currently sitting out on the deck at Huck's place, and once his voice had filtered through the noise in my mind, I turned my attention to my right and looked at him. I offered a halfhearted smile and said, "I'm just thinking about how different everything feels."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
I hesitated to respond. While I believed Huck genuinely was curious and concerned, the reality was that I had been doing my best to keep the thoughts I was having to myself. It wasn't that I didn't trust Huck. I merely hadn't wanted to burden him with the things that had been occupying my mind.
But I ultimately realized that hiding this from him wouldn't be an option. He'd done so much for me, gone out of his way to look out for me, so he deserved to know. Deep down, I think I wanted him to know. I just hated what it was going to do to him.
"I've never had this kind of peace in my life," I shared. "I know you're aware of a lot of the things I went through at the hands of my father, but with the exception of what just put me in the hospital, you don't know what my daily life was like for years while I was with my ex."
Huck reached his hand out and covered mine with his. He gave me a gentle, reassuring squeeze and said, "I suspect there isn't much that was good for you, and I'm willing to listen, if you want to share."
Once again, I didn't immediately respond. I took some time to consider all that I'd been through, all that I could share. I was so bogged down by the memory of it—my nightmares were enough of an indication of that being the case—and I worried I'd pass that weight on to Huck.
There was a small part of me that knew Huck could handle it, though. For as long as I knew him, he hadn't faltered to be a source of comfort and strength. He could easily take this, talk me through it, and find a way to make me feel better about it.
So, I revealed, "There were so many awful things I experienced at the hands of my ex. I was constantly on edge, constantly worried about the things I had done or needed to do. I experienced so many situations where I was blamed for things that had nothing to do with me, and there were times when I felt his wrath for things I didn't do properly."
I could see the tension growing in Huck's expression. That was what I'd been hoping to avoid.
"I'm sorry. Should I stop?" I asked.
His head moved back and forth, his jaw clenching. "No. I want you to tell me everything you think I should know. Hell, I even want you to tell me the things you don't think I should know. The more I know, the better I can help support you through this."
I let out an audible sigh and asked, "Do you remember the day you and I had pie at the diner, the day you noticed there was something physically wrong with me?"
"Of course, I do."
"I'd forgotten to take care of the registration on Kurt's truck," I started. "I had planned to do it the day you first stopped in at the diner, but I wound up being distracted by the fact that I'd seen you for the first time in so long. I thought about you so much, I forgot to take care of the registration. Then he got pulled over for speeding and got a ticket for that as well as having an expired registration. He wasn't happy."
"So, it sounds like you weren't allowed to make a mistake," Huck declared through gritted teeth.
God, the restraint he had was unnerving. I'd never known anyone like him, anyone who could feel the anger that was plain as day on his face and keep himself composed.
I closed my eyes, sighed again, and nodded. When I opened my eyes again, I shared, "I always had to be on top of everything—making meals, packing his lunch for work, keeping the house clean. There was rarely a moment of appreciation on his behalf, and I was constantly worried about what I was going to do wrong to get myself a fist to the face or a boot to the ribs. No matter what I did, I was always on edge."
Huck was clenching his jaw, clearly waging a battle inside his head on how to react or respond to all that I'd just shared. It didn't surprise me or scare me. I knew his anger and frustration were on my behalf. "I'm so sorry, Josie. There are so many things I wish I would have done differently. If I could go back and change things, if I could make this better for you, I'd do it in a heartbeat."
"You are," I blurted.
"What?"
"You're already making that happen for me," I told him. "Sure, we're not able to go back and fix what has happened already, but you're making such a significant impact now. I'm so serious when I tell you I've never experienced this level of peace in my life. It's been extraordinary with you these last couple of weeks. I'm beyond grateful to have you in my life again."
"I don't feel like I'm doing enough," he argued.
I flipped my hand over so I could link my fingers with his. There wasn't anything romantic about it; I merely felt more grounded, more connected to something stable whenever I touched him. "You are doing enough. Trust me. I'm the one who no longer feels like a possession."
"Pardon?"
Nodding, I swallowed hard and admitted, "The way Kurt treated me was horrible, Huck. It was almost as though he believed I was there to serve him, to do whatever he needed, whenever he needed it. My feelings didn't matter. Neither did my hopes or dreams for my future. Ever since I've been here with you, I've realized that I've got to come to grips with the fact that I'm going to be my own woman, that I'm finally going to have some independence. It feels a bit surreal, and I'm not sure I know how to do that."
Huck squeezed my hand again, and a smile formed on his face, which helped to ease the tension. "This is all going to take time, honey, but we're going to get you there."
"It's strange, though," I began again. "Even though I should have felt this when I left my father's house and was on my own for a while, I didn't."
"Do you think you were worried about him coming after you, or was it something else?" Huck questioned me.
I shook my head slowly. "I don't know. I think part of it might have been that I was so young that I hadn't really been able to grasp just how big of a deal it was. I mean, I knew leaving his place was crucial, but I guess there was so much uncertainty in my life that it was hard to feel any sense of real independence or accomplishment. I struggled for a very long time just trying to survive, so where one aspect of my life had seen major improvement, I was barely getting by. I still felt very stuck, but it was in a different way."
Huck offered a nod of understanding. "Have you seen or spoken to your father in all these years?"
The words spilled out of me without an ounce of hesitation. This was one thing I didn't have any issues or concerns about sharing. "No. Not once. Thankfully, he never attempted to locate me, and I never felt the desire to visit him ever again. I haven't kept tabs on him. I don't even know if he lives in the same house. But I don't care. He's not part of my life any longer, and I want it to stay that way. That's what I want with Kurt, too. And while I still have some thoughts and concerns about how things are going to pan out with him, I can admit there's this new feeling I'm experiencing. Maybe this peace I feel is all because of you."
"Me?"
The disbelief in his tone was remarkable. It was almost as though he couldn't begin to understand how his current role in my life could ever impact me to this level. "Yes, Huck. You."
"Why me?"
I allowed my eyes to roam over his face as I considered how to best answer that question. On some level, I knew what I wanted to say, but after everything Huck had done for me, tossing it out there carelessly didn't seem like the best decision.
Moments of silence passed, but I didn't feel any pressure. And when I finally felt like I'd figured it out, I explained, "When I look back on my life after the abuse started with my father, there is only one other span of time when I felt some sense of peace. It's not the same serenity that I feel now. Something is different about it, but there was a comforting reassurance there. I experienced a renewed sense of hope when I'd been feeling the lowest of the low back then, and that was when we got paired together in science class for that project. It didn't immediately happen, obviously, but that was absolutely the start of it."
Huck's thumb began stroking along my hand. "That marble roller coaster project feels like a lifetime ago."
I let out a laugh. "Yeah, it does. So much has happened since then, but I think it's important for you to know just how big of a role you played in my life back then. Like I said, I didn't feel the exact same as I do now, but any time I was around you, I felt like I could breathe, like I could relax for those few hours. I'm not sure I would have gotten through that last year of high school if it hadn't been for you and the friendship you gave me."
Huck's fingers twitched, his hold on my hand tightening. "I wish I would have done more than I did."
"Are you kidding me? Huck, you did everything," I insisted. "We were both so young, and you stepped up in ways I never could have dreamed of anyone doing for me. I got those hours of peace with you back then, and I never knew that was all I ever needed until now. You're giving it to me again. You're making it possible for me to get through the most difficult time in my life by just being you."
His chin jerked down slightly. "I'm glad you feel that way, that you can see it as positive. I hope you know I'm going to continue to do everything I can to get you to wherever it is you want to be."
The corners of my mouth tipped up even higher. "That's why I feel this way now. Because I believe you're the person I've needed in my life all this time. There's never been a support system for me, Huck. But I feel a level of confidence now that I've never felt before. I don't think I'm going to run out tomorrow and achieve everything I've ever wanted to accomplish, but I feel this glimmer of hope that things might be turning around for me now, that there's actually a brighter future."
More tension eased out of Huck's features, and his lips twitched slightly. "There is, Josie. If there's one thing I can promise you, it's that you're going to get everything you've ever wanted in your life."
"I hope you're right," I said softly.
"I am."
Those two little words were said with such confidence, I couldn't possibly dream of refuting them. Instead, I turned my attention to Huck's backyard and allowed myself to relish the stillness and tranquility I was experiencing for the first time in my life.
It was quite some time later when Huck broke the silence and asked, "Would you like to do something?"
"What?"
"I think this was a big moment for you. A heavy one, but a good one," he said. He shrugged his shoulders and added, "I think we should do something fun, something that's going to make you laugh."
The way this man looked out for me was unbelievable. "What did you have in mind?"
Huck jerked his head toward the doors that led back into the house. "I've got a couple of board games inside. I'm thinking you could totally kick my ass in a game of Scrabble."
"Oh, you know how much I love spelling."
He laughed. "I do."
I grinned. "I'd love to play."
With that, Huck and I went inside and sat down to play a game. Just as he suspected, I totally kicked his ass.
But he didn't seem to mind.
In fact, I think he liked seeing me win.
And it was that which made it difficult to not feel something deep for him move through me.
Because it was just like it had been for me the day Huck saw my father hit me in the car when he dropped me off at the library. Huck took that heavy moment and found a way to turn the day around for me. He always lightened up those moments with boatloads of fun, and I couldn't deny how special that made me feel.