Chapter 6

Alex

O n Wednesday morning, I felt happier than I’d been in a long, long time. I went rowing, and honest to god, I started singing— out loud —in time with our strokes without realizing that I was doing it. The other guys in the shell almost fell into the river, they were laughing so hard.

I didn’t care. It was a fucking beautiful morning! The sun was sort of shining, there were probably birds singing. Cecilia kissed me. She liked me a lot. Everything was good in the world.

Until I went to work. At our usual AM check-in, Steve was really agitated. We ran through the basics: good morning, how was your time on the river, did you see Michigan picked up a new recruit? And then he said, “What do you think about seeing Mom tonight?”

My stomach sank to my shoes.

“Just a brief visit. Fifteen minutes only. She’s been calling me non-stop, and if you don’t give her something, she’s going to show up here at work. I think that would be worse. ”

The thought of her suddenly appearing without notice was paralyzing. I realized I was breathing really fast and I tried to settle myself down. In, and out. In, and out. I could handle this. I was trying to show Steve that I was ok now, right? Here was a way to do it.

“What time?” I asked him. So the stage was set.

I went down to the coffee shop later in the morning. Cecilia lit up with a huge smile when I walked in and came right over, her face tilted up for a kiss. Who was I to refuse a woman like that?

“My boss is gone again,” she told me. “She’s worried about the shoes she picked out for the wedding ceremony. These are different from the reception shoes, which was the issue two weeks ago. The wedding is eight months away, but she really needed to check on them, immediately! Blueberry muffin or coffee cake?”

“Muffin, please.”

She came back with a muffin and a mug, and leaned down and kissed me again. “Hi!”

“Hi. Would it be inappropriate if you sat on my lap?”

“Yep.” She took the chair next to me but snuggled up close. This wasn’t bad either. I started to lose the sick feeling I’d had since I spoke to Steve about visiting our mom.

Cecilia told me, in great detail, everything that had passed between her friends Neveah and Jason that morning. Almost word for word what they had said, beginning with, “Hey, sorry I’m late.” “So what do you think?” she questioned me. “I need a boy opinion. Does Jason like Neveah, or not? ”

“Why don’t you just ask him?” I said.

“Just ask him? Wow, maybe that would work! You’re so smart. I’ll do it! But I’ll do it super casually, like mixed in conversation. He won’t even know I’ve asked him!”

If he didn’t understand that he was being asked something, that seemed to defeat the point of a question, but I let it go. “Here,” I told her, sliding a freshly cut key along the table in front of her.

“Is this your house key?”

“No, it’s your house key. I’m going to get home after you tonight. You should have one anyway.” Cecilia didn’t ask, but I continued. “I’m going with Steve to see my mom at her house. We don’t get along well with her. This is like a biennial pilgrimage.” I pulled her tighter to me, and she cuddled even closer. I dropped my head down, chin resting on her curls. Man, she smelled good. I loved the smell of lavender.

“I’ll see you tonight, though, right?” Her voice was muffled in my coat.

“I’m not staying there long. But don’t wait up for me. I get…agitated sometimes, after seeing her. I have to go decompress.” I thought of the girl crying in Dr. Mavromatis’ office. My version of “decompress” was slamming a punching bag until I could barely stand. Steve had one in his basement, and that was where I usually ended up after maternal visits.

Cecilia looked up at me and nodded. “Ok. Thanks for telling me. Thanks for the key.”

“One more thing. I have to go up north on Friday afternoon, to the Leelanau Peninsula, to my dad’s house. He wants to put it up for sale and I’m going to get it ready. I don’t know if you’re working this weekend, but do you want to come?”

She started bouncing up and down in her seat. “Road trip! I’ll totally come. I’m so excited, I’ve never been there. Wait, where are we going?”

I started laughing. I pulled out my phone, and opened a map of Michigan. “Here, you goober. Now you can see where we’re headed. Up there, diagonally from Detroit across the Lower Peninsula.”

She studied the map, then held up her left hand and pointed to her pinkie. “Here, right?”

“Other hand. My dad’s house is back in the woods, but we can go to Lake Michigan. Remember the picture you liked of the wave?”

“Of course I remember the picture! Ooooh, I’m very excited.”

I kissed her again. It was impossible not to.

The good Cecilia feeling I had faded as the day went on and the impending visit approached. I stayed in my office much later than usual, and would have probably stayed all night if Steve hadn’t come knocking.

“Ready?” he asked me.

No.

I could feel the beginnings of a headache around my temples, and quickly took some ibuprofen, and stuffed some aspirin in my pocket to double down later. Maybe I’d stop for something else to take for the pain at a drug store along the way .

My mom’s house was in West Bloomfield, which was not far enough. I followed Steve’s BMW through the rush-hour traffic, but we got there a lot faster than I wanted to. We parked in her driveway, and Steve walked over to my car. “Ready?” he asked me again.

No.

The way I was carrying on, you would have thought our mother was some kind of monster. In reality, she was a middle-aged woman, still pretty nice-looking, tall, extremely thin, and always wearing expensive jewelry and clothes. She gave money to charity. She loved small dogs. She probably stopped for school buses. She didn’t run with the same Bloomfield Hills pack anymore, after the divorce and her problems after my accident. But she still held a certain sway.

In high school, I discovered the perfect way to describe our mother: mercury, quicksilver. Mercury was impossible to pin down and was always moving and changing; that was Mom. She never noticed or cared about the things that most parents did, like food at proper times, or clothing that fit. She would disappear on trips, for shopping, plastic surgery, or fun, and we’d never know where she was or when she’d be back. I didn’t even think she remembered she’d left us half the time. Thank god we’d had a nanny and a cook or we would have starved, because in those days, my dad was always gone too. “Work trip” was a perfect excuse to escape our crazy house.

Because if you blinked, our mother would turn on a dime, and love us, so, so, so much, we had to sleep in sleeping bags around her bed because she couldn’t stand to be away from us. She would come to our schools and insist on staying in the classrooms, which was so embarrassing, but which I relished at the same time. Steve, always the stable one, was able to handle her. When she loved us, he took it moderately, and when she withdrew, for days, weeks, or even months, he just kept going. I, the weak one, was completely sucked in to every bit of drama. I remembered crying and sobbing as the car pulled away to take her back to the airport for another trip, and she wouldn’t tell us when she would come back. I also remembered running with her on the beach, when we both took off all our clothes to be “free.” That was really fun for an eight-year-old, but somehow, I also knew it was wrong. There was always something wrong, even when we were having a good cycle.

Then came my accident. Steve was there, and my dad flew in. Dad was more sporadic than Steve, but Steve could call him, and he would come. My mom did not visit me until I had been awake for about a month. As I said, I seemed to remember her getting into a yelling match over my bed, maybe with Luke, maybe with my dad. Then she disappeared again, only to re-emerge when I was at the rehab hospital, and really struggling. She came in and interrupted one of my PT sessions, insisting that she could help me, trying to touch me and hug me, and getting me so worked up that the therapists thought I was going to have a stroke. I kept trying to resist her “help” and she refused to leave after being asked to by the PTs and nurses.

Eventually, she caused such a scene that she had to be escorted from the hospital by security. To put the icing on the cake, she tried to ram her car into one of the guard’s cars, and had been arrested. It was all over the news, and then, so was I. My accident, my shame, broadcast to the metro Detroit area. It made for a good story: wealthy, local boy goes bad, ruins his life, socialite mom goes crazy. Who wouldn’t be interested in that? It sure seemed like everyone was. The story took a long time to die.

Mercury. It was shiny and pretty, but boy, you sure didn’t want to mess with it. It would soak into you and slowly kill you, an agonizing death. Yep, that was Mom.

“Alex?” Steve asked, and I realized I was gripping the steering wheel with both hands, so hard my knuckles were white.

“Coming,” I told him, and forced myself to unbuckle my seatbelt.

“Justine, are you here?” Steve called, as we let ourselves in. The house looked a little bare, and a little dusty. We stopped in the entryway and looked at each other. This was a lot of build-up, if she had decided to take off without telling us.

“There you are! My boys.” Our mom stood at the top of the spiral staircase, hands clasped at her heart, like a bad old Hollywood movie. She swept down the stairs and up to Steve, kissing him on the cheek and hugging him.

Then she moved on to me. “Alexander. My youngest child.” She took my face in her hands, and it took every ounce of self-control that I had not to rip my face away and push her off me. “How are you, my darling? I’ve missed you.”

“We’re great, Mom,” Steve said, and took her by the arm, pulling her away. “Why don’t we sit down?”

Time seemed to slow down completely. I thought we had been there for hours, but when I checked my phone, we had really just stepped in. Justine was in full-on love/mothering mode, which meant serving us drinks (which Steve reminded her were verboten to me, so she took mine back), planning ahead for Christmas so we wouldn’t be alone (her poor boys alone on Christmas!), and lots and lots of kissing and touching for both Steve and me. Eventually I couldn’t stand it, and when she put her hand on my shoulder and caressed my hair for about the fiftieth time, I told her to lay off me .

She was shocked, shocked! “Alex, what is the matter?”

I took a deep breath then blew it out. “I just don’t want you to touch me, ok? Please give me a little space.” I tugged at my collar, which seemed to be choking me.

“But I’m your mother!” She bent and kissed my left cheek, then my right. Her perfume made me feel sick and my headache kicked up another notch. “Let’s talk about when you’re coming to visit me in Naples.”

“I thought you didn’t have a house anymore in Naples,” I commented. She was always lying.

Her head shot up and the beatific smile was replaced by an ugly snarl. “Oh? Is that what your father told you?”

“No, I haven’t talked to Dad. Steve told me you were going to live full time here, in West Bloomfield.”

“We’ll just see about that!” she snapped. Then she smiled again, and cooed over Steve. I thought that she was up to something. Probably she wanted Steve to buy her a new house.

We sat for a few more minutes, and then Steve said we had to go. “But why?” Justine asked. “You’re both acting terribly cold to me, and I don’t understand it. I’m your mother.” Her voice rose. “Don’t you love me?”

Fuck, here we went down the crazy slide.

“Don’t you love me?” Her voice went up more. “What’s the matter with you two? Has any woman ever had such ungrateful sons?” Tears started to pour down her face. “I ask you to visit me, that’s all! You’re here for five minutes and you say you have to leave? Don’t you love me? Don’t you?” I wanted to put my hands over my ears, like I had done when I was little.

“We love you, mom, but we have to go,” Steve said reasonably.

“Fine.” She was calm again. “Stephen, you’ll call me soon. And Alex, my baby.” She turned to me and held out her arms for a hug.

I couldn’t do it. “I’ll see you, mom.” I thought I might throw up. And I wanted a drink so bad, I almost went back to find the one she had poured for me before she remembered that oops, her son was an alcoholic.

I made it out to the driveway. “Alex, come back to my house. I’ll follow you there,” Steve said, all worried.

“No,” I told him. “Listen, that’s it. I won’t do this again. If she comes to the office, I’ll call the police and have her arrested for trespassing. I’d rather do that than see her.”

Steve was nodding. “Whatever you say.”

“Don’t fucking coddle me!” I tried to calm down.

“How about a few rounds with the punching bag?” he offered.

My head was pounding. “No. I’m going home.”

“To that woman?” Steve said, then stopped when I turned on him. If he had said another word, I would have hit him. Great job by me, proving my stability. Showing him that he didn’t need to worry about me, well done. I got in my car and backed up carefully, then drove off.

I wanted to go home, but I was afraid to. Cecilia would be on the road in Nina in about 30 seconds flat if I came back so out of control. I drove home by the backstreets, trying not to see the liquor stores I passed, trying not to think at all. I kept turning on the radio and turning it off. Maybe I should have stuck with the 12-step stuff. I’d have a sponsor to call.

Finally I found myself turning into my street, and then my driveway. Of course, Steve’s car was also parked there. He was sitting with Cecilia in the living room when I came up. What had he been telling her? When did it get so dark outside? Goddamn it.

“Hi,” Cecilia said. “Look, your brother came over.”

I nodded at them. What could I say? There was no way to explain. She would think I was a lunatic, just like he did. “I’m tired,” I ground out. “I think I’ll just go to bed.”

Both of them were watching me like I was a zoo animal. Fucking great. I lay down on the bed and put the pillow over my head to drown out my thoughts.

“Alex.Alex!”

“Huh?” I tried to remember what was happening.

“You were calling out in your sleep.” It was Cecilia, standing beside my bed in the moonlight.

I realized I was shaking, all over. “Alex, sweetie, I think you had a bad dream,” she said, in her soft voice. She crawled into bed next to me. “It’s ok now. It’s ok.”

She wrapped her arms around me, and I put my head on her chest, trying to steady myself. I heard her singing softly, gently rubbing my back. Oh god.

Eventually I drifted back to sleep, holding onto her as tightly as I could.

Cecilia

Alex was still at his mom’s, and I was putting the last touches on a casserole when I heard someone fiddling with the door. Oh no, not here, too! I looked around for a weapon, and grabbed the big chef’s knife from Alex’s expensive knife block. Then I took the phone and dialed 911, ready to hit send.

From my hiding place under the table, I saw Alex’s brother Steve come in.

“Jesus H. Christ, you scared the shit out of me!” I told him, crawling out from under the table.

He jumped about a foot in the air then held up his hands. “Just put the knife down!”

I rolled my eyes at him. “I thought you were a burglar, dummy! I’m not going to stab you now that I know it’s you.” I went back into the kitchen to replace the knife and the phone, and put the casserole in the oven. “I would offer you dinner, but it won’t be done for a while. I thought you guys would be gone longer.” I tried to look past him, but he was so big, he took up the whole door! “Where’s Alex?”

“I thought he would be here. I don’t know.” He sounded exhausted.

I turned to him, my heart beating faster. “What happened?”

He went and sat at the table, and I joined him. “What did he tell you about our mom?” Steve asked me .

“That you guys don’t get along well with her. That you don’t see her very much, and after you do he gets upset. Steve, where is he? Have you called him?” I ran and got the phone and dialed his number, but it went straight to voicemail. I looked at Steve. “Well? Should we go look?”

He was rubbing his forehead. “I’m not sure what to do. I’m trying to back off and give him space, but tonight was awful.” He watched me for a minute. “He’s really into you. I mean, he really, really likes you.”

Despite my worry, a warm glow filled me.

“I don’t like anything about your situation with him,” Steve continued.

Gone went the glow. “What’s wrong with me?”

“I have a real problem with him meeting someone and then five minutes later moving her into his house. We don’t know anything about you. I don’t know what your motivations are. I’m not going to let anything happen to him, and if you try anything, you’ll regret it.”

I should have been mad, or afraid. Instead, I told him, “You’re a good brother to him. I wish I had a brother like you.”

Steve stared at me. “What’s your angle here? I don’t understand you.”

“I don’t have an angle. You said he’s into me? Well, I’m into him too. I promise you, I won’t do anything to hurt Alex. He told me about his accident.” My eyes filled up, and I wiped them with my sleeve. “He’s been through enough.”

“Did he tell you that he’s an alcoholic?” Steve asked me, watching me closely.

Honestly, I wasn’t very surprised. I kind of felt like a lot had gone on in Alex’s life before I knew him. So I stared back at Steve. “Why would you say that to me? You’re totally betraying his trust. Are you trying to scare me off? What the hell is the matter with you?”

We continued the stare down. Then he took a long breath in, and visibly got control of himself.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m not respecting his boundaries at all. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Do you think he’s off drinking right now?” My mouth got all dry and funny feeling.

“I don’t know where he went. I don’t think I’m betraying anything to tell you that our mom is mentally ill. Not diagnosed, not treated. She made our lives awful when we were growing up, and it really hurt him. He started acting out, I think to get her attention. It just spiraled until he had the accident. But he’s been sober for eight years.” He nodded at me. “I’m very proud of him.”

“You should tell him that,” I suggested. “Alex thinks you treat him like a child.”

“I do,” he admitted. “I watch over him all the time. I’m terrified. I’m terrified of you. I’m terrified that he’s on a bender as we speak. My mom acted nuts, as usual, and he took off. The look on his face…” Steve grimaced. “He looked just like he did when we were kids, all hurt and confused. She offered him a drink, the fucking idiot.”

Now I was terrified. “We have to go find him. Now! Right now!” I jumped up and got my keys, then stopped. Where would I go? How would I look for him?

“I think we just have to wait, and hope for the best,” Steve told me. “Do you trust him?”

“Yes.” I didn’t have to think about it. “I do.”

“I have to trust him too.”

So Steve and I sat on the couch together, and waited. Neither of us said a word to each other. I only got up to take out the casserole, but neither of us wanted to eat. It was the longest, most uncomfortable three hours of my life.

Finally I heard the key in the door, and I turned to look at Steve. “Let’s stay calm,” I told him.

Alex came in, and I could tell by his face that his head was hurting. He just looked ravaged. I wanted to go throw my arms around him, but he also looked like he was about a step away from freaking out. So I channeled all my healing thoughts to him instead, and then after a few words, he went to bed, leaving me and Steve alone again.

“I don’t think he was drunk,” Steve said. “He wasn’t acting like it.”

“Do you want to stay here?” I asked him. “You can have the guest bedroom.”

“No, that would make things worse. I’ll see him at the office tomorrow, I hope.” He nodded at me. “I’m sorry, Cecilia. I think I misjudged you.”

“I told you the truth, I’m glad that you love him so much that you want to protect him.” I stuck out my hand, and he shook it. “Now we can be friends, ok? ”

Steve nodded.“Friends.”

I couldn’t get to sleep. I lay on the bed with the door open, turning one way and then another. Finally I got up and went to check on Alex. He was thrashing around on the bed, and calling something out, kind of moaning. I shook him, then said his name.

He opened his eyes and reached out for me. I would have done anything to make him better, anything at all. That was when I knew that I loved him.

∞

Alex was gone when I woke up the next morning, curled up in the center of his bed. There was a note on his pillow:

Hey Cecilia—I went to row. I’m ok, please don’t worry about me. I’m sorry I woke you up last night. I’ll come and see you at work when you get in. Alex

I got up slowly, and got dressed, and drove down to the coffee shop. Neveah came in, chattering about Jason and her cousin who’d had her car impounded. Keri came in stormily, and went immediately to her closet office, slamming the door. I wasn’t paying attention to any of it.

Then Alex walked in, and I ran across the coffee shop and threw myself at him. He picked me up so I was kind of hanging off him, then I started crying on his neck. I just loved him, so much!

“Cecilia, sweetie, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m like this.”

“You don’t need to be sorry,” I sobbed. “I was just so worried! ”

He was walking out of the door, still kind of carrying me. “Can you take a break now?”

“I think I have to,” I sniffed out.

We ended up taking a walk. He opened his coat and put me inside with him, protected from the cold spring air. I was still kind of hiccup sobbing and finding it hard to stop.

“I acted like an ass last night, and I’m sorry,” Alex repeated. “Visiting my mom always makes me very upset. Did Steve tell you about her?”

I nodded, my head rubbing against his side.

“I don’t handle her very well. I let her get to me. It just rolls off Steve, but I fall for it, every time.”

“He was sad, and angry too,” I told him. “He just hides it better.”

“He was? Yeah, I guess I need to take a lesson from him, then. I can’t seem to hide it at all. When I left her house, I just drove around for a while because I didn’t want to come home so worked up and then upset you, but I ended up doing it anyway. And Steve was acting like I was made of glass this morning, so it was probably even worse than I remember.”

“You just were so sad. I don’t want you to be so sad,” I told him.

“Listen, you’re not responsible for me, ok? I am, only me. Despite what my brother thinks, I’m not made of glass, and here I am today, doing ok again.” Alex stopped and tilted my face up. “Please don’t think you have to act like Steve, babying me and overprotecting me. I don’t want us to be like that.” He leaned down and kissed me. “I feel like I’m normal when I’m with you. I don’t want you to treat me like I’m not.”

I was confused. “Why do you think you’re not normal? Alex, everyone has problems. I cried on your lap about my dad. Did you think you’d need to lock me up or something? From what Steve said, the situation with your mom is terrible! It sounds like anyone would be really, really bothered by it. That’s normal.”

“I haven’t felt normal in a long time. I guess I need to figure out what that is for me.”

“Normal is right now,” I told him. “The two of us, we’re a little weird, maybe. Well, I am. But that’s normal too. You don’t need to worry about that. And I like you, normal or not. I like you just the way you are.” Which unfortunately led to me singing Billy Joel under my breath.

Alex started laughing, even though he kind of looked like he might cry. “If you’re weird, and it’s normal, then I like your kind of normal.”

I pulled him down to me to kiss me again, right out there on the street. This kind of normal worked for me, too.

∞

I traded around shifts with Jason to cover my Friday afternoon so Alex and I could road trip. “You don’t mind being alone with Neveah, right?” I asked Jason.

He looked a little pained. “She’s acting strange around me,” he told me. “Giggling.”

I had tried the subtle approach in asking if he liked her the day before, but it hadn’t worked at all—he didn’t seem to realize I was asking him a question. So now I decided to go for it. “Jase, do you like her?”

“Yeah, she’s nice.”

“I mean, do you like her , like her?” Wow, this took me right back to high school in Miami!

And now he looked ready to bolt. “I’m only twenty, Cecilia! I’m not ready to settle down!”

I started laughing. “Who said anything about settling down? Why don’t you just go to a movie?”

“Maybe she’d like to hear me sing.” He pulled a crumpled paper out of his pocket. “I’m going to be at the Silver Eagle Bar in Ferndale on Saturday night.”

“Oh my god!” I squealed. “That’s so awesome!” I hugged him. “I’m so proud. I’m sorry I’m going to miss the show, but I know this is just one of many, right? You’re on your way, Jason!”

“Cecilia.”

I turned around at the sound of the deep voice barking out my name. It was Steve, his first time ever at the coffee shop. His virgin trip. Oh lordy, I was thinking a lot about virginity lately.

“Who’s this?” Steve spat out.

“Steve, this is Jason, my co-worker. He just got his first real singing gig! Jason, this is my boyfriend’s brother, Steve.” I grabbed Steve’s hand and pulled him to a table. “You sit here. What can I get you? I’ve never seen you here before. Do you even drink coffee?”

“Uh, decaf. Sometimes my assistant Danny gets it here for me.”

“Oh wait, you’re the extra-hot large decaf, room for milk? I know Danny. He wears the crazy ties! Hang on.”

I got Steve his decaf and he pulled out his wallet.

“On the house,” I told him. I plopped down across from him. “I can sit for a sec. What’s going on?”

He was just staring at me, and it weirded me out, which I told him.

“Sorry,” Steve said. “I just keep getting the wrong idea about you, Cecilia.” He peered at me closely. “Have you been crying?”

“Does it still show? I’m such an ugly crier. You know in movies, how it’s like one perfect crystal teardrop and the girl looks all tragic and beautiful? So not me! I get all red and snotty. Anyway, Alex was here not too long ago, and I bawled all over him.” I held up my hands before Steve could speak. “He’s fine. Everything’s fine. I was just still really emotional from last night.”

“I wanted to see how you were doing. And apologize, again. It seems like we both want the best for him.” He drank some coffee. “I just have to figure out how to give that to him.”

“Hey, you’ve asked him, right?”

“Asked him what?”

“What he needs from you. I mean, probably right after his accident, he needed everything. But now it’s changed, so have you asked him? He can tell you. But I’m probably being really obvious. I’m sure you guys have talked a lot about this. ”

Steve was nodding slowly. “Sure.” Maybe not.

“Cecilia!”Shit!I jumped up.It was Keri.

She stomped over. “Do I pay you to sit? I need your opinion on hors d’oeuvres, right now!”

You’d think that with a bridal party that numbered in the thousands, there’d be another woman she could call on for this crap!

“Keri Wallenstrom?”

Her eyes swiveled to Steve.

“I’m Steve Whitaker, Alex’s older brother,” he told her.

“Of course, Steve!” she trilled. “So good to see you! I’m so sorry my employee was bothering you!” She shot me a dirty look. “Cecilia, leave Mr. Whitaker alone and get back to work!”

Steve stood up. Man, the guy was built like a brick shithouse! “She’s not bothering me. Cecilia is Alex’s girlfriend,” he told Keri.

Wow. I felt like I had passed a test, or something!

“What?” Keri swiveled to me. “Are you kidding me? You are dating Alex Whitaker?”

“Um, yes.” I took a step back. “I didn’t know you guys knew each other.”

She looked pissed enough to hit me. “Cecilia, go back to work, right now.” She turned to Steve, and gave him the same sugary smile she was always turning on Harrison. “Steve, it was great to see you! Come back in and we’ll chat, kay?”

Judging by the look on his face, that was the last thing he wanted to do. I waved at Steve, then went back to the counter, and he left right away. Keri stayed in her office for the rest of the time she was there. I could hear sounds of her talking incessantly on her cell, and she left without saying anything to Jason or me.

∞

That night at home, Alex seemed to be making a huge effort to act as even-keeled as he could, until finally I told him he was driving me nuts with the sane routine. He laughed and laughed, and we ended up kissing, a lot.

The kissing thing was really good, and kind of scaring me. Alex was lying on his back on the couch, and I was lying on top of him. He wasn’t just kissing my mouth. His lips were on my neck, my ear, his hands were on my ass, gently squeezing, and rocking me against him. It felt so good, and I could feel him hard under me, and it made my stomach flip. He rolled us onto our sides, still tight together, and his hand went under my shirt and up to my breast. I couldn’t breathe when he did that, his fingers gently pulling and pinching my nipple until it was also hard.

I pulled back. “Alex?”

“Uh huh?” He licked my neck lightly, up to my ear, and I shivered.

“Alex, are we going to have sex?”

He stopped licking and looked at me. “Do you want to?”

“I think I do. I never did before. ”

“Really? You’re a virgin?” He quickly added, “That’s not a bad thing. I’m just surprised.”

“I grew up seeing all the adults I knew screwing each other. I mean, I actually saw them screwing each other. I just thought, I didn’t want to act like that. I wanted to be with someone, you know, special.”

“That’s me?”

“That’s you.” I looked at him. “Do you mind?”

“That you waited for me? No, I don’t mind.” He kissed me. “I don’t want to hurt you, though. It’s supposed to hurt some the first time.”

“That’s ok. I think it will be worth it,” I told him. But I realized I was biting my lip, nervous again thinking about it.

He pulled himself up to lean on an elbow. “Listen, we don’t have to do it right now. You’re enjoying this, right? Let’s just see where it takes us, sweetie. I’m not in a hurry.”

So we went back to kissing, and his hand went back to my breast, cupping and massaging, and I forgot about being nervous. Then his hand dropped down to my stomach and I laughed.

“I’m ticklish!” I whispered. He kept stroking my stomach.

“Here?” He tweaked my side and I jumped and yelped.

“Yes!”

“Here?” Alex danced his fingers across my belly button, and I squeaked and twisted.

“Yes!Yes!You’re killing me! ”

He was laughing into my neck, and I felt his fingers undo my jeans, and gently delve down.

“Here?”

I clutched his back. “Oh!” He was rubbing softly along the lips of my pussy, just one finger tracing against me. Then he delved deeper, rubbed harder.

“Is this how you touch yourself?” he whispered into my neck.

“It doesn’t feel like that,” I gasped. I was moving my hips against his hand, and then his thumb was on my clit. “Oh! Right there.”

He kissed me hard, and pushed a long finger inside me, where no man’s hand had gone before. At first it felt so strange, but he started to pump it in and out slowly, then a little faster, and—

“Alex!” I was bearing my hips down on his hand while he rubbed in faster circles over my clit, “Oh, god!” I came, clenching around his finger, and oh, it felt so good. He kept kissing me, and then slowly pulled out. I was on my back, feeling so satiated, really. “Is that how it’s going to feel? That good?” I asked, when he picked up his head to look at me.

“I’m a little bigger than my finger,” he said, and started to laugh quietly. “God, I hope so.”

“Can I see?” I asked him, and reached for the button of his jeans. I turned back on my side, and he let me undo his pants, and slide down his zipper. “Oh, wow.” He was straining against his boxer shorts, and when I stroked a finger against the fabric, he pulled in a big breath.

“Here,” Alex said, and pulled his length free .

Oh my, yes, he was much bigger than his finger. Much, much bigger. “Can I touch you?” I asked.

“It’s not going to take much, I think I’ve been hard since the day we met.”

I reached to circle my fingers around him, and he gasped. I was fascinated by his cock. I put my other hand around it too, and moved them up and down, rubbing my thumb over the funny head and the ridge underneath it. “Yeah, yes, Cecilia,” he panted. Then he grabbed my hands and gripped harder, pumping his hips, and he came too, moaning and biting my neck and making me want more all over again.

We lay there on the sofa, kind of messy and kind of horny, still. I was pretty ready to let the virginity thing go.