Chapter 14

Lena

I 've been alone for six days. I thought Kellan and I had something special, but after he slept with me in his shadow form, he never came back. I try calling out for him like he told me to, but it doesn't matter how many times I call his name. He never comes.

I wonder if it was all a lie. I don't want to believe that, but what else am I supposed to believe with him ghosting me? Ghosting me. I laugh. He's not technically a ghost, but it's still funny.

Was it all a ruse to get me to sleep with him? I don't suppose the Grim Reaper would have a huge need to be between someone's legs. His human form is hot enough he could pull in whoever he wanted, whenever he wanted.

What the fuck is wrong with me for thinking like this? How do I even know that part of the night was even real? I know Kellan, as a human, is real. We slept together and had our daily lunches between my classes. He took the time to get to know me. It would have been pointed out if I had been sitting in the dining hall talking to myself every day. They would have definitely made fun of me for it .

The people on this campus all seem to get some sort of sick pleasure out of making me their social target. I thought people grew out of this once they left high school, but I was definitely wrong there.

Was the second half of the night six days ago a dream? Maybe Kellan left after we had sex, and it was all in my head. I've dreamed about the shadows before.

No, fuck that. It was real. It had to be. It didn't feel anything like a dream.

I thought we had a connection, but he's been radio silent. What did I do wrong? Did he realize being with me as his true self wasn't what he expected? The thoughts have been spiraling in my head for almost a week now. I hate feeling so alone again. It's worse now because I experienced those peaceful moments with him. I know what it's like to have that, and losing it has me feeling so fucking empty.

I squeeze my books close to my chest and practically run to my class, doing my best to keep myself invisible. The whispers from my classmates have started again now that Kellan hasn't been by my side. They've collectively decided that he was only with me because he was trying to fuck me. I can't exactly say they were wrong, considering that's exactly what happened. We fucked, and he left.

I just can't let myself believe it was a lie. He has to have genuine feelings for me. It felt like he loved me, even though he never said it. He made me feel special for the first time since my grandmother passed away.

The doubts have started creeping into the dark corners of my mind and as much as I don't want to believe them, there's nothing to stop them without him here. The nagging urges that I've always felt are scratching at my seams, begging me to let them free. How could I think he loved me? How could anyone even like someone like me? I'm nothing.

"She called him her boyfriend. How pathetic. She's still not over Carson," I hear someone say as I walk past.

Fucking Carson had to go and run his mouth to make this even worse. He went and told everyone about how I came home with some random guy, called him my boyfriend, and then asked if I wanted him to watch me fuck the guy. He has everyone out here thinking I'm some psycho ex, hellbent on revenge because I saw him fucking Lexi. I just want him to leave me alone. The end of this school year can't come soon enough.

I have nobody now, completely secluded like a true outcast from society. This is how I've felt my entire life. I've never been good enough, and every time I finally think things are going to change, they go right back to the way they were before.

It seems so ordinary to continue on at Thorn Grove as though I haven't been introduced to Death himself. I let myself have feelings for him, dare I say love. Tossing a word like that around is dangerous and I haven't known him for long, but I can't control the way I feel. The connection we have is like nothing I've ever felt in my entire life. It's intense and confusing.

"What a dirty skank. I can't believe she still has the gall to show her face on campus," someone says as I walk past.

"Do you think she let him film her too?" another person says as I ignore them and turn the corner. I run straight into Carson and the bitch who called me a slut in the dining hall after the video got sent out.

This is the last thing I needed today. I'm sure they're about to make me feel smaller than I already feel. It's like Carson lives to torment me. He can't help but be a massive douchebag.

"Hey, Lena. Where's your new boyfriend?" he says, and I can hear the sarcasm rolling off his tongue.

"Fuck off, Carson." I try to step around them, but he steps in front of me, stopping me.

The girl he's with eyes me up and down as if she's trying to find something to ridicule me for. She's so full of herself, thinking that she's God's gift to mankind, but in reality, she's just another insecure mean girl. It's not like we have any kind of shortage of those going around.

"You are such a nasty skank. I can't believe you wanted Carson to watch you fuck someone. As if he has any desire to be anywhere near your dirty cunt again. You're really into some weird shit," the girl says.

I look her dead in the eyes, not letting her words bother me. "Do you enjoy being his flavor of the day? He was fucking Lexi, too. You're not special."

"You realize I was fucking him while he was with you. What makes you think I give a shit about having him to myself? I know he will come back to my bed because I'm not a whore like you." The girl laughs .

"How are your arms doing, Lena? Do you have any new scars? Did you think about me when you did them?" Carson laughs. "If I told you I was fucking other people for our entire relationship, would you go back to the apartment and cry about it? Maybe cut yourself again?"

I stare at him in disbelief. I don't even know how to respond without completely breaking down. I thought I was strong enough to not let his words hurt me, but I don't think I am. Maybe if Kellan were still here for me to confide in, it would be different.

He looks over at the girl standing next to him. "Did you know her parents practically begged me to date her? How fucking pathetic. They wanted to make sure their damaged daughter ended up with a decent man instead of killing herself."

"She should do everyone a favor and just do it already," the girl says.

"Wouldn't be a loss if you ask me," Carson says.

Fuck all of them and everything they have to say. Tears well up in my eyes, but I refuse to let him see my weakness. "Good thing nobody asked you," I spit, trying to stay strong.

I turn on my heels, not wanting to hear another word from anyone on this campus and march directly to the parking lot where I parked my car. I need to get the fuck out of here. I'm giving myself the rest of the day off again.

After a few minutes, I'm driving down the road. Now that I'm away from the prying eyes of everyone, I can let it all crash in on me. I don't have to pretend anymore, and I can't stop it from happening. Tears soak my face, blurring my vision.

I'm nobody. I'm worthless. Nobody wants me. I should just kill myself. That's what they all want. What the hell am I even doing with my life? Why am I never good enough for anyone? I wish Kellan were here to take this feeling away. Being around him would calm me instantly but he doesn't care. I tell myself even though I know it's not true. My chest heaves from the rush of emotions. It's all too much, and I don't want to feel any of it. I want to turn it off and go numb, but I can't.

The gates of the cemetery appear, and I want nothing more than to be on my blanket with the dead. The dead don't make me feel bad about myself. They don't judge. They don't make comments about something my shitty ex-boyfriend did that I had no control over.

I slam the car in park and open the trunk to grab the blanket but glance over to the supply of razors and bandages in the bag next to it. The last time I used them was the day Kellan found me and comforted me. He made me feel safe. He made me feel like, for the first time, I didn't need the release from the cool metal gliding across my skin.

I reach down and grab the package. Slowly, I pull out a shiny blade and hold it up. I stare at it for a moment, debating whether or not I need the release. I can feel the anxiety eating at the depths of my soul. The darkness inside me begs to be freed so she can make everything better again.

Without a second thought, I drag the metal across my skin and lose myself in the feeling of the scraping along my wrist. Blood drips down from the cut. It's deep this time, but I doubt it will be deep enough to kill me. Would that be so bad, though?

The blood stops dripping from the cut after a few minutes, and I stare at the mess I've made on the grass behind my car. I still feel too much, and I want to be numb, so I dig into my arm again and watch as the blood begins to flow freely. Over and over, I repeat the process but never cut deep enough. The cuts actually seem to be getting more shallow as I go. It's like there's a part of me holding back.

I'm tired and I can't keep feeling like this. Mentally, I'm back to where I was two years ago on the bathroom floor at my parents' house. The weight of the world is too much, and I'm suffocating. They told me to kill myself, so what's stopping me?

I take a deep breath, and the scent of fresh rain surrounds me. The familiar, clean smell causes my heart to swell. Is he here? Is Kellan watching? If he is, then why hasn't he shown himself to me? Does he want me to just get it over with, like everyone else?

If I die, maybe I'll get to see him again, but would it be longer than a brief moment? I hold the blade up to my wrist, willing myself to make the final cut to end it all. I'm torn on what to do. I sit here and stare at my wrists and the blood covering them from the other cuts. Why am I hesitating this time?