Chapter 9

Lena

I find myself thinking of Kellan as I pull up to the cemetery. We've been getting lunch every day for the last three weeks now, and he's become the part of my daily routine that I desire the most. My classes are over for the day, and I need some time to decompress before returning to my apartment.

There is a bitter chill in the air, and although it hasn't snowed yet, early winter seems to be upon us. Where will I go once there's snow on the ground, and it's too cold to lay out here on my blanket? I guess I can sit in my car, but that's not exactly peaceful.

I glance around at the headstones before throwing my blanket on the ground and grabbing my purple stress ball. Things have been going well, almost too well, for three weeks now. I wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. My life is never easy like this. When good things happen, it's usually a preface for something awful.

Kellan coming into my life was a welcomed surprise. He understands me in a way I can't describe. He takes the time to ask about me and listens. I've never met anyone who listens as well as he does. For most of my life, I've craved death. Even now, a part of me craves it, but it's been silenced by the peace he brings. When I'm in his presence, everything goes away.

He's been incredibly respectful, and I like that. Things between us haven't progressed any further than a chaste kiss here and there. It reassures me that he's not trying to get in my pants. At this point, I might let him. Earlier this week, I opened my car to find the most gorgeous purple tulips I've ever seen in my life. When I asked him about them, he said I deserved something almost as beautiful as I am. He got them because he knows they are my favorite.

People don't think about me the same way he does. They don't take the time to make sure I'm happy. It feels nice but wrong all at the same time. How can I so willingly let him treat me so well when my mind is still so fucked up? I ruin everything. I try not to, but the bad thoughts always find a way to push themselves to the forefront of my mind.

Even now, thinking about him and how sweet he's been, I still find myself focusing on the possibility of something terrible happening. Is there something going on that I don't know about? It's all too good to be true. Will I be on the bathroom floor again with slices down my wrists?

I shake my head to clear the negative thoughts. He has been the biggest blessing I've had in a long time. Outside of our lunch dates, we've been meeting up here in the cemetery a few nights a week. He just shows up, and I don't mind one bit. Every moment with him feels like it will never be enough. I've grown attached to him in a way I don't like to admit.

I take a deep breath and focus on the way he makes me feel, tossing the stress ball into the air for the next few hours. I watch as the clouds float above, and I know it's almost time for me to go back to my apartment. I'm dreading it. With a sigh, I sit up and gather my things before returning to my car. I sure as fuck hope Carson is out and about fucking whoever lets him between her legs and not at the apartment.

I've been pretty successful in avoiding him for a month now. I come home and go to sleep before he makes his grand entrance sometime after midnight. When I wake up, he is still passed out from his escapades, so I leave. It's become a perfect routine, but I know it's only a matter of time before it ends. I've been too lucky, and I don't get lucky.

After a quick drive to my apartment, I park the car and take one last deep breath before making my way inside. As I slide the key in, I hear a noise on the other side of the door and roll my eyes. Apparently, my luck has just run out. I'm about to have my first face-to-face run-in with the asshole.

I push open the door and try to walk to my bedroom as fast as possible. If I can get in there and avoid any kind of conversation, that would be ideal. I freeze when I hear a giggle in the hallway.

"She was weird as fuck anyway and never really appreciated you," the familiar female voice says.

"Do you appreciate me?" Carson asks her.

"You know I do, baby."

"You've definitely had a good way of showing it over the last two weeks."

"I want to feel you, Carson," she whines .

"Fuck, you're so damn tight," Carson tells her.

I march toward the sound, not giving a fuck what I'm about to see. Who do they think they are? What makes her think she is so much better than me? I see nothing but red as I turn the corner, and they come into view.

"Lexi, what the fuck?" I shout, standing there with my lip curled up in disgust and my arms crossed over my chest.

"I didn't think you were into voyeurism, Lena. I'm a little busy here. Unless your eyes are broken, you can probably see I'm balls-deep in Lexi at the moment." Carson turns his head in my direction, locking eyes with me as he continues to drive his cock in and out of my supposed best friend's pussy. He has her pinned against the wall with her dress pushed up and her panties pulled to the side.

"Fuck you. This is my apartment."

"Watch if you want then. Maybe it'll give you something to cut yourself to after I leave."

My eyes almost pop out of my head over how blunt he is. How can he be so crass about something like that?

"You really are a piece of shit with no regard for anyone except yourself."

"The blades are on the sink waiting for you," he calls out as I turn on my heels to get the fuck out of here. Tears threaten to soak my cheeks, but I don't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing them.

"Lena?" Lexi tries, and I pause, turning to look at her for just a moment. Guilt crosses her face before Carson plunges back inside her, and the guilty look transforms back to lust. I give her a quick middle finger and run out of the apartment and back to my car.

My mind is only focused on one thing. I take the familiar drive to the store and grab the same things I did just a few weeks prior. I feel so overwhelmed with everything as I drive back to the cemetery. My refuge. When I arrive, I mindlessly grab my blanket and the contents from the store and walk back to my favorite bench.

Lexi was just letting my ex fuck her in MY apartment. I know we weren't the closest people in the world, but her willingness to do that just proves she doesn't care about me at all. I open the blanket and lay on it, trying to think about Kellan. Maybe that will change this worthless feeling to something more positive. If he were here, he would comfort me. He's not here, though. You're alone like always. I blink, staring out into the distance. Some people just aren't meant for happiness. I'm not meant to be happy. The dark thoughts in my mind are too strong. I can't fight them.

The self-doubt takes over, and I lose control. The sun begins to set. I should focus on the beauty of the sky rather than the empty feeling in my soul. I reach into the new package of blades and quickly grab one before pushing up the sleeves of my sweater. A quick glance at my wrist shows the faint lines of every cut I've inflicted upon myself. Memories of each one flood my thoughts.

I look them over, contemplating where to place the new ones. The thicker scars draw my attention, reminding me of that day on my bathroom floor two years ago. Why couldn't I just finish the job then? I settle on a spot a few inches below my wrist and push the blade to my skin. It's the exact reaction Carson wanted, but I can't stop myself. My brows raise, and tears fall from my face as the blade bites into my flesh and gives me the relief I seek. It's my attempt to take control of my feelings.

I wish Kellan were here. My chest heaves as I close my eyes to try and level out my thoughts. Shut them off. Just don't feel. It's all too much. I'm so lost and alone. I'm tired of always feeling like this. I trail the sharp metal along my wrist again as the tears fall freely, soaking my face.

I sit here like this for a while. I should bandage the cuts, but I don't have it in me right now. I slump my head down in defeat, watching as the blood drips down my arms and onto the blanket. I don't know what else to do except cry, alone and broken.

"Lena?" Kellan's voice calls out, and my empty eyes lift to meet his.

He doesn't say anything else. He simply sits down next to me, reaches over, and pulls me into him. His arms wrap around my center, and I go still for a moment before allowing myself to relax into his hold. A strangled sob leaves me, and he holds me tighter. As soon as I 'm in his arms, the feelings of doubt, pain, and worthlessness seem to disappear, like they always do.

"It's okay. I've got you," he says reassuringly as one of his hands rubs small circles on my back.

I finally give in and wrap my arms around his waist, letting him comfort me. He doesn't ask me what happened. He doesn't mention the cuts on my wrist, the blood-soaked blanket, or the blades in the open package sitting next to me. He doesn't judge me like everyone else does. He just comforts me, and I relish the calming feeling he provides.