Chapter 17

I rattle the small tub of pills that Summer dropped off earlier today, Ray Dalton’s “In My Bones” playing in the background.

Oddly poignant.

She’s measured everything out for me so that I can take these tablets tonight without her supervision, and this way I can enjoy my night of ‘normality’ with Cove. I still have to take my anti-anxiety medication and the anti-psychosis pills, but it’s a much smaller dosage to my usual cocktail, so I guess it was a happy-ish medium.

A compromise.

She wouldn’t sign off on me going completely med-free, afraid that another setback would see me admitted to hospital for much longer this time. I guess she’s right, though it seems an unlikely outcome to me. My therapist thinks I’m making amazing progress and is going to recommend reducing my medication at my next hospital review.

I can’t wait.

But first I have something even more exciting to focus on: my date with Cove. I switch to play Sia’s ‘Unstoppable’, feeling like I could take on the world right now, and win.

He seemed so thrilled when I not only asked for this date, but initiated it, though he’s insisting on planning it all himself and keeping everything a surprise. All I know is that tonight’s date will take place once it’s dark, which suits me perfectly because my tablets are due late anyway, and there’s more anonymity in the dark. Fewer people. Or at least the illusion of being more alone.

I have time to take my pills before he collects me, and I’m feeling more excited about seeing him and spending time with him, in person, outside of these four walls, than any feelings of anxiety or worry. I’m sure my gorgeous doctor would tell me I’m making progress. For once, I’d actually believe him too.

The excited, dancing butterflies in my stomach are back, and I feel almost giddy with the possibility of what ifs and maybes.

I shake the tablets once more, contemplating. What if I didn’t take them…not right now anyway. I could put them in my handbag and take them a little later while we’re out. Summer would never know.

Yeah I think I’ll do that.

I stash the bottle in my bag and begin to get ready for my date. There’s still time to take them later. It’s fine. I’m fine.

Because I don’t know what Cove has planned, I opt for my usual beachy vibe. Most of the clothes are denim shorts, bikinis and crochet tops, but I do have a couple of nice things Summer has foisted on me over the years. I toy with the edge of a coordinating white crochet skirt and top set. It’s pretty but could end up being way too dressy for whatever Cove comes up with. Plus, Summer borrowed it a while back claiming it was “soin right now” – whatever that meant – and she stretched it out, because, boobs. Summer has way way more than me.

That sounds weird even in my head. I mean she has bigger boobs than me, not more of them than me. The mental image of Summer with huge cartoon balloon boobs protruding from every part of her body makes me laugh. I’m not crazy. It’s funny.

Maybe I should wear jeans. I have a few pairs but I don’t really feel the cold so I’m usually that ‘freak’ in shorts all year round. Yeah, because that’s the most freaky thing about you, Malia!

I stop what I’m doing and quickly scribble down in my notebook. My therapist is still insistent that I log negative thoughts about myself to go over in our next session, even though I continue to argue with him that they’re facts, not ‘negative observations’.

Thoughts are not facts, Malia.

His calm, soothing voice sounds in my mind (from memory because my meds are working, and I hardly ever hear voices in my head anymore) and brings a smile to my lips.

I thought having therapy every day would be the worst thing ever, but it seems that between my virtual dates with Cove, classes and studying with Bhodi, and therapy with Dr. Jones, I find myself quite looking forward to spending time with men.

Which is definitely progress, all things considered.

I grab a cute little black jean skirt that’s covered in matte black rhinestones and pair it with a white fine lace vest top over my silver bikini. I add the black leather jacket I pinched off Summer during our first week here when she dragged me to that beach party…gosh, that seems like ages ago now.

Holy shit. That’s another memory gained!

I slick on some clear gloss. Too sticky. Wipe it off. Eye up the small collection of lipsticks Summer has casually ‘left’ for me. Dismiss all of them. Grab my trusty Burt’s Bees lip balm instead – the strawberry one, not the gross one that tastes like a candle dipped in honey – and apply that.

There’s a knock at my door so I quickly jam my feet into my trusty old Vans and hurry to answer the door.

Cove is…breathtaking. He is so freaking pretty it shouldn’t be allowed!

“You’re gorgeous,” I blurt out. He smiles and then his eyes sweep over me, taking me in. I shift nervously but when his gaze lands on mine it’s heated.

“You stole my line.” He leans in and kisses my lips before pulling away with a soft and easy smile. “Hey, gorgeous.”

“Hi.” I bite my lip, suddenly nervous.

Not in an oh-my-god-I’m-leaving-my-room sort of way, it’s more, I-can’t-believe-a-boy-this-good-looking-is-into-me! Cove’s gaze settles on my bed over my shoulder and I squirm. Should I drag him into my room, slam the door and finish what we started the other night? I really, really want to.

By the look on Cove’s face, he wants to too. But he’s gone to so much trouble to arrange this date…

He clears his throat. “Are you ready? We should probably go.”

“Absolutely.” I refuse to let my disappointment over not getting laid cloud my joy of this moment. I’m going on an actual real date with a boy I’m crazy about…crazy in the right way.

I grab my stuff and we walk out of my dorm where an electric golf buggy is waiting.

“Is this for us?”

“Yeah…just, let me drive, okay? You scratched it last time.” He laughs and I frown.

“What?”

“When we kissed outside the club, you sort of freaked, jumped in my buggy and stole it.”

My eyes widen. “No way.”

“Yeah.”

“I wish I remembered.”

“So do I. It was an epic kiss, and it could have saved us a lot of time getting to know each other again.”

“So this is like Fifty First Dates?”

“Not quite that bad, thankfully. I mean, not you aren’t worth the effort because you absolutely are, but I’m just glad it was a small portion of time together that you lost, and not a total reset every single day.”

“I can’t imagine living like that.”

“Well, thankfully you don’t have to.”

We climb into Cove’s cart and he takes off. He passes me his phone. “Code’s 2902. Choose the music.”

“My birthday?”

“You said that last time too.”

I select the playlist entitled Malia’s Tunes and hit shuffle. ‘Daydream’ by Ruelle begins to play through the buggy’s built-in Bluetooth speakers.

“So, where are we going?” I ask as Cove navigates our way out of Avalon.

“You’ll see.”

“You’re not going to give anything away? Even now?”

“Nope.” He grins at me and I shake my head, not really minding, but amused at his secrecy. Have to admit his excitement is contagious though. I was already looking forward to our date, but now that Cove is here and we’re actually on it, I’m giddy with anticipation.

When he reaches over, takes my hand and squeezes it, I almost swoon. He doesn’t let go and we drive towards Two Harbours with our fingers entwined, ‘Let Me Hurt’ playing in the background.

When Cove bypasses the smaller town on the island, I stop humming along to the music and turn to him with a frown.

“We’re not going to Two Harbours?”

“Not this time.”

“I didn’t think there was anything else north of the town.”

“There’s not. A couple of campgrounds, some coves and beaches. Surfing and fishing spots, but it’s mostly unpopulated, in the tourist sense of the word.”

“Oh.”

I have no idea what that means for our date. Clearly, we’re not going surfing in the dark because there’s no boards on the cart like last time.

Holy shit!

I gasp and grip the dash in front of me.

“What’s wrong?” Cove asks, immediately slowing down and preparing to pull over.

“I-I remembered something.”

“From before?”

“Yeah. We went surfing in this cart and had to climb down the cliff a little to get to the beach…right?” I check with him to make sure I’m not making this up. He beams back at me.

“That’s it.”

“Wow.” I shake my head. “I have no idea where that just came from. Every time I’ve tried to think about before, I get these blinding headaches that can wipe me out for days.”

“Maybe you should stop trying. The memories might come back when you least expect it.“

“That’s what my therapist says.”

“Sounds smart then.”

I lose myself in that night, the music coming back to me first. The Edge, Waves, Divenire, Mended Souls…Lost. He held me in his arms and sang to me! I need to remember to put these on a playlist. I don’t want to forget again.

Then suddenly it all comes rushing back to me: Surfing. Feeling home. Teasing Cove. The sun setting. Snippets of conversation: “I always expect it to sizzle when it hits the water.”…“I always think I hear it.”…“I really like you, Mai-Tai.”…“I like you too.” Shooting stars. Cove’s kisses.

Oh my god the kisses!

You thought he had a lovely soul.

“We’re here,” Cove tells me, pulling to a stop. I was so lost in my thoughts, in my memories, that I lost track of time.

We’re stopped by a tiny dock, with a small wooden boat moored. It looks like it should be a row boat, but there’s a small motor fixed on the back. Lanterns are glowing from inside and I can see blankets and a picnic basket set up.

It all looks incredibly romantic.

“I hope you like fireworks.”

“I love them, why?”

“There’s a display tonight. I wanted to share them with you, but without all the crowds and the people.”

He holds out his hand and helps me from the buggy and onto the boat, which rocks gently under our weight until we’re settled in place.

“Is this okay?” He suddenly looks nervous.

“It’s perfect,” I reassure him. I want to launch myself into his arms and hug him for his thoughtfulness, but I’m scared to rock the boat – literally, not metaphorically – so I settle for giving him a big grin instead.

“We have about half an hour before the display begins so I thought we could eat first, and then just enjoy the show. All of the fireworks are set to music and the creators often like to tell a story.”

“That sounds wonderful.”

He gives me a relieved smile in return and relaxes, before starting the motor and driving us out to sea a little way.

The stars tonight are phenomenal, like the whole sky is falling down in a shower of stars. And the water is so still that the light of the moon reflects the skies above like a sheet of mirrored glass.

It’s beautiful.

When he’s happy with our location, Cove kills the engine and lets us float, then unpacks the picnic. There’s a selection of cold meats and cheese and crackers, which I tuck into. Everything tastes amazing and the conversation is light and easy.

When we’ve finished and Cove passes me a bottle of water, he packs away the leftovers and rubbish, and then we settle back onto a pile of cushions.

Cove pulls me close, covers us in a blanket and wraps his arms around me. My heart stutters in my chest and I have to bite my lips to keep my girlish squeal from coming out.

It’s perfect. Everything is perfect. He is perfect.

After a few minutes of silence, watching the shooting stars and listening to the waves lapping at the boat, a voice booms across the ocean announcing the lineup for the night. It’s a firework competition and the three competitors will have ten minutes each to carry out their display.

I’m too excited to listen to the ins and outs of the voting system, I just want them to get on with it. Sensing my excitement, Cove chuckles. His breath tickles my ear.

“I’m so glad you’re going to enjoy this.”

“I think I’d enjoy anything you planned, but this is going to be amazing.”

“I wanted to do something really special for our first proper date.”

“Isn’t it our second?” I ask with a smile, alluding to before.

“It can be whatever number you want it to be, so long as it’s not the last.”

I grin way too wide at that but my face is hidden by the blankets so I don’t think he notices.

The opening bars of London Grammar’s ‘Bones of Ribbon’ reach us across the water and the fireworks begin in perfect sync with the haunting harmonies.

I love this song. It’s beautiful. Even the colours match the lyrics perfectly and I lose myself in the story being told. By the time the final beats fade out, I’m captivated. I’ve never seen fireworks like this before.

The music shifts to something edgier, darker, and the sky lights up in red.

“What’s this song?” I whisper to Cove.

“It’s called ‘Intruder’,” he whispers back. I don’t know why we’re whispering, it’s not like we’re around anyone else to spoil their experience by being too loud. All I can think of is that it feels like we’re wrapped in a magical cocoon and I don’t want to spoil it.

This song definitely tells a more sinister story. It’s a commentary on war. All of the fireworks are shades of red, menacing and deadly. I find myself holding my breath towards the end as the battle between good and evil reaches its climax.

Who will win?

The sky falls dark once more and silence descends.

‘A Moment Apart’ by Odesza breaks out and beautiful white lights dance to the gentle opening beats.

The good side won!

Fireworks in colours I’ve never even seen before light up the sky and steal my breath. Because we’re lying in the boat, it feels like the sparks are falling down on us and sucking us up into the display at the same time. This is everything. Pure magic.

Before the song even finishes, I’m turning towards Cove and kissing him passionately, trying to pour all of my huge, overwhelming emotions into the press of my lips against his.

I’m trying to tell him everything…I feel everything…I’m…falling.

I don’t know what love looks like. I don’t know how it feels. I’ve never seen it in real life. I’ve certainly never experienced it.

But this?

This feeling like my heart is too big to fit in my chest, like it wants to burst right out and fill the space around us, like I can’t breathe or I might die if I don’t kiss Cove right now life my life depends on it…if this isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

It has to be love.

Nothing in the world could feel better, could be more than this.