Chapter 29

T he day of the engagement ball being held at Netherfield Park, Elizabeth felt regret she was missing it. It was not so much she missed the dancing, which she did, but that she was not present to support Janey. She did admit to herself—the days of prevaricating to herself were past—that after what her older sister had mentioned about Mr Darcy in her letter, she would have hoped to be asked to dance by him. She would not have refused.

Considering that she would see Jane, Charlotte, and Mary in but a few days, Elizabeth did not expect any letters describing the ball in the interim.

Even though she had reached conclusions about her father, her own behaviour as it related to him, and what he had intended for her, she knew it was not time to end her efforts towards her self-discovery.

Between Friday and Saturday her investigation turned inward. Regardless of her father's machinations, she was an intelligent and rational being. So, the question was, why had she suspended logic on many occasions, especially as it applied to Mr Darcy, and the pack of lies the former Lieutenant had fed her? She also needed to divine why she ignored her own conscience so many times in the past.

As far as Elizabeth was concerned, the solutions to her overall improvement in character depended on her reaching the underlying truths of these questions as much as her realisations about her father .

At first, Elizabeth was somewhat frustrated. Her exploration of the connection between her and her father, although engendering much pain, had been much easier to understand. By the time she took herself to bed on Friday night, she was not claimed by Morpheus until the time the ball to honour her sister's and soon-to-be brother's engagement was ending.

On Saturday morning, rather than a walk in the park, she accepted a cup of hot chocolate and a warm pastry from Cook. Once she had closed the door, she sat on an armchair in what she now termed the ‘ contemplation ' parlour. Before Elizabeth tackled the mountain she needed to scale, she thought of how appreciative she was to her aunt and uncle for not quizzing her about how she was doing. She was fully aware had she the need of either or both of them to talk to, they would be there. After the conclusions she had drawn regarding her father, she had decided until she made progress on the parts about herself, it would be premature to share what she had determined so far.

Suddenly it hit her like a bolt of lightning. Was it so simple? Was the way she had ignored what was easy to see, if she had wanted to, just that, he own desire? Had she wilfully ignored the obvious when it did not fit her preconceptions!

The more Elizabeth thought of her past decisions and beliefs, the way she brushed aside the opinions of others when they did not coincide with what she had determined, the clearer it became it was a combination of not being willing to consider as fact that which would disprove something she had decided, her innate stubbornness, and the hubris of thinking she was never wrong.

When she applied this revelation to some of the events of the recent past, especially when she saw the reactions of the criminal and Mr Darcy when they spied one another in Meryton, she could see her preconceived notions regarding Mr Darcy, had made it certain she would draw the wrong conclusion. It was the same reason she had ignored all of the many contradictions and inconsistencies she had heard, while the then Lieutenant, had been spinning a web of untruths. Again, when Jane, and then later Charlotte had pointed out, perfectly reasonably, that she could not draw any inferences without hearing both sides of the story, she had dismissed them saying what? "I saw honesty in his looks," Elizabeth said out loud.

In the past, she had always joined her father in calling Kitty and Lydia the two silliest girls in England. But was that something which could be applied to herself? That led her to ask herself why she had never asked her father, if, as he always said, his youngest daughters were silly and uneducated, he had not educated them?

Had she suffered from the same selfishness as her father? At the time she had believed she had influence over the man. Why did she not use that perceived power for the good of her sisters and mother? She understood now she had no power to influence her father.

Having reached the understanding about herself she now had, Elizabeth began to wonder how it was Jane loved her as she had been, how was it she had a friend as good as Charlotte? She now freely admitted she was not a good daughter to her mother, a good sister, or a good friend as she used to be. Rather than feel sorry for herself, Elizabeth stiffened her spine.

"As I said to Mama, I need to learn from my errors and not repeat them. I have many amends to make, and I must tell my father I know the truth, but unless I apply what I have learnt, make the changes, and improve my character, then all of the pain of my self-discovery will be for nought. I will not allow that! The changes start now. I need to speak to Aunt Maddie and Uncle Edward." Elizabeth stood, and with determined steps, went to find them.

~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~

No matter what he did or said, Bennet could not provoke his unintelligent wife or silly daughters to misbehave! It was very dissatisfying. Lizzy was gone until her sister's wedding, and who knew if she would want to return to assist her increasing aunt afterward. He could forbid her to go to London again, and it was a distinct possibility he would, but he would make that decision when he saw her. A missish Lizzy was not an entertaining one, nor was she a good companion in that state.

Why had Phillips told his wife about the demise of that dunderheaded Collins? Bennet was sure allusions to the hedgerows would have resulted in his wife's nerves being set off with the addition of her spasms and palpitations.

He could not remember the last time he had heard the screech of ‘ Hill my salts .' Not only that, but Fanny, Kitty, and Lydia had been unnaturally calm since the story about that man Wickham had been related to him by Lizzy and Jane.

He ignored what he had heard when he had gone to the bookseller to see if there were some additions to the stock which would peak his interest. There was much talk of the officer and the debts he had left in Meryton and Westingham, and how the one who had slighted Lizzy had bought up all of the man's debts. There were discussions among the men about how this Lieutenant Wickham had proposed to the smithy's and haberdasher's daughters and had been pressuring them to anticipate their supposed vows. The problem was everything he had heard only disproved his assertions that what he had been told was a fiction, and bolstered what those three highborn men and his former friend Lucas had related to him. As he was not one for introspection, or admitting he had erred, Bennet decided what he had heard was nothing but unproved gossip.

He was still out of sorts due to the fact he had not been able to cry off attending the engagement ball the previous night. He had banked on his two youngest daughters causing a hullabaloo and disconcerting his wife and older daughters, at their not being allowed to attend the ball. They had not. Bennet still could not understand how it was the Viscount had led Mary—who for some unknown reason looked anything but plain—out for the first set, and his brother, the Colonel, had done the same with Charlotte Lucas. Was he the only sane one left and the whole world was going mad?

Other than supper, Bennet had spent the rest of the evening in the card room. He had scratched his head when he had gone to find his wife at supper. Mary and Charlotte were seated alongside the men they had danced the opening set with. Did that mean the men had danced a second significant set with them? He decided the men were not serious and only having some sport with dowerless country girls. As one who loved to laugh at others, Bennet could appreciate a good joke—as long as it was not aimed at himself. At the end of the night, his wife and two daughters had looked well pleased, and they had been one of the first families to depart.

The more happy his wife and daughters became; the more dissatisfied Bennet was.

~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~

At the end of dinner that night, Elizabeth requested to meet her aunt and uncle in their sitting room once they said their goodnights to the children. As they had been expecting Lizzy to want to speak to them at some point, the Gardiners agreed without delay.

About a half hour later, the three sat in roughly the same seats they had when they had met in the private sitting room some days before. "We are here to listen to you, Lizzy dear," Madeline stated.

Elizabeth took one, and then another deep breath before she commenced. "I have done what I set out to do. This does not mean there is not more I will discover about myself in the future, but I believe I have identified the most important issues." She took another series of deep breaths. "There are two main pieces I have found. The first is about my father and how he trained me, as well as his long-term plans for me. The second part is my own culpability."

Madeline and Edward Gardiner said nothing. They would wait until Lizzy invited comment. When she mentioned her own blameworthiness, they both thought she was being too hard on herself, but they would not interject yet.

"As you know, I have an excellent memory." Both Gardiners nodded it was so. "I remember a conversation from when I was the same age as Lilly is now…" Elizabeth reported the essence of the conversation and her conclusions. She went on to speak about how she now saw her father's love as an illusion and the way that she saw him now that her eyes were fully opened. In hindsight, she could see how his support of her was only for his own benefit. She expressed sadness there was an element of cruelty in his way of making sport and her deep regret for ever participating. "Do you have any questions or comments regarding my conclusions about my father? Once we have discussed what you will, then I will explain why I spoke of that which I have to own as my own fault and not my father's."

"Much of what you are now aware of, I have seen since soon after Fanny was married to your father. Given the rights and power the law grants a man over his wife and family, other than speak to him once or twice, there was nothing I was allowed to do," Gardiner revealed. "After the second time I broached the subject, Bennet gave me a choice, never mention anything on the subject again, or there would be a complete and permanent break, and I would never see my sister or any children they were to have.

"I may have said this before, but Fanny is an intelligent, warm, and loving lady. It saddened me greatly to see what she turned into by being subjugated to your father."

"During the second part of my realisations, I wondered why my father, who always called his wife and two youngest daughters among other things uneducated, never took the trouble to provide them instruction." Elizabeth stared off into the distance.

"I see two reasons why Bennet would not do that," Gardiner opined. "One is if he made the effort and educated them, then about what would he be able to tease them? The second part is with his extreme indolence, it would have been too much trouble."

"You know," Madeline interjected, "it is not only your mother who is an intelligent lady, but I have always believed the same of Kitty and Lydia."

"I think you are correct, Aunt Maddie," Elizabeth agreed.

"What you said about the dowries, your father assuring himself you would be tied to him, and you would never either want to find a husband or be accepted by a man is, as sad as it is to say about a father, accurate. The only thing to match your father's indolence is his selfishness."

"He is not the only one who thinks of themselves," Elizabeth said sadly. "That is part of what I admitted about my blame…" She retold her discoveries about herself, independent of her father's influence.

"Lizzy dear, it is laudable you are willing to be so introspective and come to such understandings about yourself, but I disagree with you partially," Madeline stated. Elizabeth cocked her head in question. "If your father had never influenced you the way he did, would you have acted the way you have just revealed on your own?"

Elizabeth cogitated on her aunt's question for some moments. "If I am honest, I would say, I know not. I am obstinate, headstrong, and think I know best; these traits have nothing to do with my father."

"Yes, you are all of that, and do not forget impertinent. However, and Edward may disagree if he thinks I am wrong, but had you been educated like a young lady, as you should have been, without being manipulated by Thomas, for as you said, more than twenty years, those natural parts of your personality would have been under good regulation," Madeline asserted. "Does that mean you are pardoned for those things you could have, should have, done or not done? No! However, your part of the blame is greatly reduced. You still need to make amends as you are determined to do, but I, as is Edward," he nodded his agreement, "am confident you will learn from all of this and make the corrections you need to make."

"What do you plan to do next?" Gardiner enquired.

"When Jane, Mary, and Charlotte return home to Meryton on the final day of November, I will travel with them," Elizabeth stated firmly. "As much as I have loved my time with you, as I always do, there is much waiting for me to do at home, not the least of which is to support Janey in any way I am able.

"I need to have a discussion with my father. A meeting I am sure he will not appreciate, but that will wait until after Jane and Charles marry. I refuse to do anything which could potentially take away from Janey's pre-wedding joy. Making amends to my mother and sisters, and some in the neighbourhood I will do when Jane does not need me as that will have no negative repercussions on her celebration."

"What if, as I am sure he will, my brother tries to pick up where he left off with you?" Gardiner enquired.

"It is not my intention to be disrespectful, I will go when called, but I will point out that as the maid of honour I have much to do for my sister. If he orders me to remain in his study, which I doubt he will do, I will sit quietly until he releases me," Elizabeth explained.

"That sounds like a well thought out, yet respectful, plan," Madeline agreed.

"I do feel so much lighter than I did before. It is better to walk about without the scales on my eyes." Elizabeth paused for a moment as she thought of something. "The one good thing is if my father orders me to remain at home after the wedding, I will have a little more than three months before I reach my majority."

"Let us hope it will not happen in that way," Gardiner added.

~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~

"Jane! Mary! Charlotte! It is so good to see you all," Elizabeth enthused as she hugged each one she named. She looked around and saw no one else.

It amused Jane that Lizzy who used to hate the very sight of Mr Darcy, seemed disappointed he and those who had escorted them to London had not come in. "Charles and the rest who we travelled with did not want to overwhelm Aunt and Uncle, we will see them later."

Before Elizabeth could ask what Jane meant, Charlotte spoke. "Mrs Gardiner, please allow me to express my heartfelt appreciation for hosting me in your house."

"It is our pleasure, Charlotte. Welcome to you, Jane and Mary. You two," Madeline looked at her eldest and middle niece, "if you do not go and greet your cousins soon, they will invade the sitting room. Lilly would have been here but she is in a lesson."

"Janey what did you mean when you stated, ‘we will see them later'?" Elizabeth asked.

"My impatient Lizzy," Jane smiled. She turned to her aunt. "We are all invited to dinner at Darcy House this evening, if it is convenient for you and Uncle Edward."

"I know of no prior engagements, unless you do Lizzy?" Madeline averred with a smile.

"I go where you go, Aunt," Elizabeth riposted.

"Mr Darcy told me the invitation includes my cousins," Jane revealed.

Elizabeth was impressed, not only had the man she had once thought proud, invited her tradesman uncle and his wife to his home, but their children as well. She had to admit, if only to herself, she was greatly in anticipation of seeing Mr Darcy.

"Lilly and Eddy will come in that case. Peter and May are yet too young for a dinner at a house which is not our own," Madeline averred. She left the sitting room to send a note to her husband.

"Charlotte, I am so happy for you. Colonel Fitzwilliam is a discerning man if he saw the jewel of the first water you are," Elizabeth wished. "And you Mary, you are a sly one, nothing official yet, or is there?"

"Thank you Eliza, I did not anticipate finding such a man, or the feelings I have for him," Charlotte replied dreamily.

"Our Lotte has gone and fallen in love, and unless I am blind, the good Colonel is besotted with her," Jane added. "If I wagered, I would do so on his proposing soon after she meets his parents, which will be tonight."

"His parents, you mean the Earl and Countess will be at dinner?" Elizabeth verified.

Mary was pleased the conversation had moved on without her having to respond to Lizzy. "Yes, Lord and Lady Matlock will be at Darcy House this evening," Mary confirmed. "Based on knowing their sons and daughter, I say it bodes well for what they will be like."

"That reminds me Mary, you never answered my question," Elizabeth recalled as Mary groaned.

"Andrew and I are good friends," Mary owned.

"Friends?" Elizabeth arched an eyebrow.

"At this point, yes that is all," Mary averred.

"For now, is right," Jane teased.

Mary blushed but said nothing to refute Jane's assertion. She had not shared with anyone that Andrew had wanted to request a formal courtship, but together they had decided to remain with an informal one and only involve her father when it came time to move to an engagement. She was already in love with him, he was her ideal man, and it had nothing to do with his rank or wealth.

Madeline waited until the younger ladies had completed their discussion before she entered the room. "As we only have two guest chambers, Jane you will share with Lizzy, and that leaves Charlotte and Mary to share the other."

There were no objections. Elizabeth accompanied her sisters and Charlotte upstairs to greet their cousins and then to change, also she desired to speak to Jane.