Chapter 28

O ther than when her young cousins implored her to join them in walking to the park or telling them stories, Elizabeth's time was her own. The first thing she examined was her relationship with her father.

Two days after her arrival, Elizabeth was seated in the small parlour thinking about the bond between her father and herself when she remembered a conversation from more than seven years past.

~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~

Bennet's study March 1805

Elizabeth was in her papa's study looking at an atlas he had gifted her for her thirteenth birthday, but also as a teaching aide for her lessons about the countries of the world.

Elizabeth looked up at the man she adored, the one who educated her, and seemed to have time for her, when he never spent time with any of her sisters. "Papa, is what Mama says true?" Elizabeth asked.

"What is it my silly wife says? You know nothing of note comes from her, do you not?" Bennet responded. He had looked up from the pages of his latest book and shifted his spectacles so he could see Lizzy better. "It is good you check with me so I can tell you the correct thing."

"Mama says you are raising me as a son and it will make it so I am unmarriageable. Is that so Papa?" Elizabeth enquired.

Bennet had to think about his response. Elizabeth would pick up on an absolute untruth told to her. Besides, he was sure she wanted the same thing as him, so he would be able to redirect her attention. "Why would you want to marry some man who will not be as intelligent as you? I thought you enjoy spending time with me? There is no reason to worry about your mother's ridiculous pronouncements?"

"I revel in the time we are together, but is it not what girls do? They grow up, marry, and have their own families?" Elizabeth pushed.

"You have many years before we need to think about finding a husband," Bennet averred dismissively. "Besides, not all girls marry, and those who do not are no less felicitous than those who do, in fact, in many cases, those who do not tie their lives to some simpleton of a man are far more contented."

As it always did, what Papa said made sense to Elizabeth. Had not Papa told her many times already not to pay attention to what Mama, who was of mean understanding, told her? She went back to studying her atlas.

~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~

The present

Elizabeth was thankful her memory was so good. Although until now, she had not thought about many of the conversations with her father, she remembered them all. What good parent constantly disrespects and denigrates the other to an impressionable child? The answer to that question was easy: her father was anything but a good and caring parent; he cared not for anyone or anything but himself. Yes, at times he would intercede with her mother, but only if it were either to his direct advantage, or he did not have to exert too much effort.

Just then, she had an epiphany. "Papa never answered me because he never wanted me to marry! He was trying to make it so no man would want me! That way I would always be there to be his foil, his companion, and one who would assist him as he was cruel to Mama, my sisters, and others in the area," Elizabeth said aloud to the parlour. Now she understood why her father had encouraged her to behave as she had towards Mr Darcy. He wanted to make sure no man who saw how she acted would want to be tied to such a woman. And more than that, word of the way she behaved would be spread. He was attempting to make her into a harridan!

"Was that why he would not exert himself to save for our futures?" she asked herself aloud, "If I had a decent dowry, I may still attract a man, but without one… Surely he cannot be so diabolical!" Then Elizabeth cogitated on other remembered conversations with him. There were many which showed that all he cared for was to achieve his own selfish aims. Yes, to further his aims, Thomas Bennet could in fact be so base. She was certain at first it had been too much trouble, but once he decided he wanted her to remain at home with him, his refusal to plan for his daughters' futures took on a new meaning.

Then something else hit her. "He used to laugh at me as well, not only others. He just disguised it," Elizabeth bemoaned aloud. "The man who claimed to love his second daughter best of all never stepped in and stopped Mama when she used to turn her frustrations on me. No, in fact…he did what he could to make things worse in order to increase his amusement!"

The more she saw her father for who he truly was, the greater her shame she had allowed him to encourage her to constantly disrespect her mother. What had he said when she had asked about the fifth commandment? She thought of the words in the bible: ‘ Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee .' Her father had manipulated her, telling her she was obeying her father and as long as she did that, she was not breaking the word of God because ‘mother' was written after ‘father.' Yes, at the time he had explained that to her, she had been but eight summers old, but she should have questioned his interpretation. What a fool she had been .

Elizabeth cried great big racking sobs. She cried for the death of the relationship she had thought she had with her father, the loss of so many years of Mama's warmth thanks to his manipulation, and for not questioning things before this.

Outside the door Madeline Gardiner was debating whether or not to enter to comfort her niece. Her hand was on the doorhandle when Gardiner, who had come home for the midday meal placed his hand over hers, arresting her movement.

"We knew this would be excruciating for Lizzy," Gardiner stated near his wife's ear so only she would hear. "When Lizzy needs you, or us, she will ask."

Madeline lifted her hand from the handle. The couple made for the sitting room. "You have the right of it, but Edward, hearing the mournful crying as I went by the door made my heart break for Lizzy. I very much wanted to take her into my arms and sooth her," she admitted.

"You know she is in fact mourning, do you not?" Gardiner queried. "For so many years she thought Bennet valued her and spoke the truth to her, but now that link is broken and has died. I am sure to her, the father she thought she knew has passed away, and now she has to begin anew and relate to him how he is, and not how she thought he was, for nigh on one and twenty years."

"Will she be strong enough to face him, as well as the errors in judgement she has made, by the time we attend Jane's wedding?" Madeline worried.

"The one thing I am not concerned about is Lizzy's strength. The self-discovery she is undertaking would break a weaker person, I am as certain as I am able to be that our Lizzy will emerge better and stronger. Woe betide Bennet if he thinks things will be the same between him and Lizzy as they were."

"Our brother is in for rather an epic surprise is he not?" Madeline smiled .

"That he is," Gardiner agreed. "That he most certainly is."

~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~

It had taken Elizabeth some time to restore her equanimity after her discoveries about herself and the rapport, or lack thereof, between her and her father. By the rumble in her tummy, she realised it was time for the midday repast. She did not recognise how hungry she was until she thought about the meal. It was understandable; she had only pushed her food around her plate at dinner the previous night, and eaten hardly anything when she broke her fast that morning. A side effect of her seeing the truth of her own, and her father's actions, seemed to be a restoration of her appetite.

After first washing her face, fixing her hair, and her dress, Elizabeth entered the dining parlour. She was greeted by smiles, but also raised eyebrows, from her aunt and uncle. "I am getting better, I will be well," Elizabeth assured them. "Thank you for allowing me the uninterrupted time to consider everything between my father and me."

Neither Gardiner missed the fact since she arrived at their home, Elizabeth had not referred to her father as ‘papa' other than one or two slips. They knew when she was ready to speak to them about her process, she would.

"The post arrived; there are two for you, one from Fanny and the other from Jane," Madeline informed her niece to change the subject.

"I will read them after the park. I made a promise to Peter and May that I would join them when they go after their meal," Elizabeth stated. "I am in anticipation of reading both." She was not surprised her father had not scribed her a letter, and she found she cared not if he did or did not.

To satiate her hunger, Elizabeth enjoyed more than one helping. Having seen how little she had consumed at the previous two meals, neither her aunt nor her uncle were surprised at the volume of the repast Elizabeth ate.

~~~~~~~/~~~~~~~

On the return from the park, Elizabeth accompanied her cousins to the nursery and indulged them with one, albeit short, story. Afterward, the youngest two were to nap while the two eldest Gardiner children were to have lessons with the governess.

She closed her chamber door and then with the two missives in hand, Elizabeth flopped down onto the comfortable bed. Looking between the two, she decided to read Mama's first. She broke the seal, smoothed the paper, and began to read.

18 November 1812

Longbourn

My dear girl, Lizzy,

How I regret not telling you how dear you and all of your sisters are to me. I know you have said more than once you need to make amends to me, and I appreciate that, but let us be honest Lizzy. The words were spoken by you, but for the most part the ideas were planted in your head over the years by your father.

If only I had not given into my frustration, and taken the lack of a good marriage with your father out on you. As you have said more than once, there is no possibility to go back and change what was, but to move forward without repeating the mistakes of the past. That is what I intend to do, and I pray you will join me in that endeavour. I have all five of my daughters in my life, and that is the way it should be. I have begged your pardon for the way I have acted towards you, and you have forgiven me so I see no industry in canvassing that subject again.

There is big news, but also sad. Your cousin, Mr Collins passed away. It is sorrowful when one loses their life. It does however cause a big change for us. Your Uncle Frank informed me and your sisters of the ramifications. There is no one to inherit as Mr Collins was last in the line of male relatives. The entail ends …

Elizabeth read about who the next master of Longbourn would be after her father. Mama had not said it, but the fact Uncle Frank reported the news to her mother and sisters was, she was sure, another case of her father wanting to be cruel to his wife and not telling her that her single biggest worry was a concern no more.

Even though I am making changes, I am still looking out for good matches for you and your younger sisters. No, Lizzy, I will not interfere or ask any vulgar questions about income or estate size. It seems like Jane and Charles (he asked I call him by his familiar name and I asked he address me as Mother) found each other without any of my brand of assistance or machinations, Mary is being unofficially courted by Lord Hilldale! Even in my wildest imaginings, never did I think any of you would be a countess one day. They have so much in common and enjoy being in company one with the other.

Andrew (as we all call him in private) wanted to speak of his intentions to my husband, but I discouraged him with Jane's and Mary's assistance. I did not want your father to seek to tease Mary before she is confident enough to withstand his nonsense.

When, and if, he decides to request an official courtship or an engagement, he will of course address his request for permission to your father at that time.

Janey is writing a letter as well, so she will tell you any news I have not covered.

I look forward to seeing you when you come for Jane's wedding. Do not be too hard on yourself.

I love you,

Mother

Notwithstanding her mother's admonition she needed to look forward and not back, Elizabeth felt the shame at the way she used to relate to her mother all over again.

She could clearly see Fanny Bennet was not at all of mean understanding, but was rather a compassionate and caring woman. All she could do was shake her head as she placed her mother's letter on the bed and retrieved Jane's. As she always did, she admired her sister's fine work with a pen. She broke the seal and opened the missive.

18 November 1812

Longbourn

My dearest sister, Lizzy,

I miss you very much, especially at night with the added warmth in oour shared bed (that will not be a problem for me in a few short weeks—Charles asked if we could share a bed after the wedding, I of course agreed) and especially our nightly talks, but most of all I just miss seeing you Lizzy.

Mama informed me she told you about Mary and of our cousin's passing, so I will not repeat those subjects. There is one courtship I will mention. Do you remember you predicted the Colonel was interested in our Lotte? You had the right of it. He has already requested and received permission to court her!

As we both know, she has always professed she is not romantic. Well, our ‘I am not romantic' Miss Charlotte Lucas is falling in love with Colonel (soon to be Mister as he intends to resign from the army and sell his commission) Fitzwilliam. It would not surprise me if they announce an engagement in the next fortnight. Just so you know, Mr and Miss Darcy, the Viscount, and Becca all support him. Even though his parents are an earl and countess, they care more for their children's happiness than choosing someone from high society. As long as the person is a member of the gentry, they care not for the rank. (A certain tall, dark, and handsome man from Derbyshire shared his parents had felt the same, and he agrees with them.)

Do you remember Charles was to hold a ball this Friday past? With all that has occurred, it was deferred and it will be held this Friday the 20th day of November and will be an engagement ball. Before you worry about returning in time for it, there will be many balls and I will see you on Tuesday the 24th when we (in addition to myself, everyone resident at Netherfield Park, Mary, and Lotte) arrive in London. As much as I would have loved for you to be at the ball, I understand it is too soon for you to be at home with Papa.

Andrew and Richard want to introduce Mary and Lotte to their parents. Also, the Darcys and Becca are keen to be in your company again. (Yes, both Darcys!)

When I see you sister dearest, I will not demand confidences, but if you want to discuss your thoughts and/or conclusions regarding Papa with me, or anything else, I will be a willing ear.

With my warmest regards and counting the days until I see you,

Jane.

Until she looked in the mirror, Elizabeth did not realise reading what Jane inferred regarding Mr Darcy in her letter had caused her to blush deeply.

Surely after the way she had behaved Mr Darcy was not interested in her romantically? If he was, how did she feel about that? Elizabeth was aware until she had ascertained more about herself, and confronted her father, she could not think of a romantic attachment.