Chapter 24

Iopened my door and paused, listening to see if anyone else was up. I"d had my alarm set for six since I"d been here.

They were doing so much for me and I was basically being a freeloader. I needed to do my part. Pull my weight.

More than that, I enjoyed being in the kitchen when no one was up. It was finally starting to feel normal, instead of like I was a customer in a business when all the employees walked out.

I was lucky I was starting to feel comfortable here at all. At Megan and Ed"s, I never settled in. Life was constantly walking on eggshells.

And I'd only been here three months, instead of the years I'd spent there.

When I didn't hear anything other than typical house sounds, I released a breath and padded as softly as I could to the kitchen.

Kim was a big part of why I was doing so well.

He was sweet, kind, and attentive. He looked at me in a way no one had ever looked at me before.

He really saw me.

Catching my reflection in the glass on the microwave, I chuckled under my breath. I had the dopiest smile on my lips. It wasn"t like any smile I"d ever had before. The boys probably thought I was weird.

They were all so...

Not exactly like what I expected. They still didn"t talk to me much, but they didn"t seem to mind that I was here.

I hated coffee, but I made a cup anyway. They all loved it, except Kim, and I wanted to try it. There had to be something good about it.

Three times. If I couldn"t get the taste for it after three times, I"d give up. They didn"t know I was testing myself anyway. It wasn"t like I"d ever had the chance to drink it before. Starbucks was too expensive, and Megan and Ed only made enough for themselves.

One thing coffee had going for it was the smell. It was rich and heady. That was what was addicting about coffee. If only it would taste as good as it smelled.

"Morning," a gruff voice came from behind me.

I jumped, banging my toes on the cabinet underlip.

"Shit," I gasped, hopping around, holding my foot.

When I turned, Joaquin stood in the doorway, hand frozen on his bare chest like he"d been mid-scratch when he greeted me. I dropped my gaze on the ridges along his stomach, then flicked it back up.

Damn it, I hoped he hadn"t noticed that. They didn"t really walk around without clothes on, and I"d never been around boys like this. It was hard not to look. Impossible. Yet, I was immediately flooded with guilt as soon as I failed my own test.

His face scrunched up uncomfortably as he dropped his hand. "Sorry."

"It"s okay." I straightened, blinking the tears out of my eyes. "I was um...just making coffee for you."

I grabbed the cup that was now brewed and held it out to him.

He eyed me, not taking it. I wouldn"t believe me either. Why the hell would I make him coffee this early in the morning when it was barely light outside.

I glanced at the window and saw the pale gray that happened just before the light blue started to brighten the sky. Joaquin was also never up this early. That was Kim and Lake.

"That"s okay. You keep it." Then he skirted around me and started making his own cup.

Standing there, still holding the hot coffee, I stared at him as his hand hovered over the cabinet like he was debating something.

It sounded like he said "fuck it" under his breath as he pulled down a second mug. If he felt my gaze on his back, he didn"t say anything. A mutual awkward vibe was in the air but I couldn"t look away.

So many years I"d wanted to talk to them, and three months into living with them, and I still wanted to talk to them.

All of them except for Kim. He was the glue holding me to reality. Or maybe my sanity, because it still didn"t feel real.

With one cup in each hand, he spun. And there I was, shifting on my feet, holding the still full, aromatic cup of coffee in both hands. It was comical. I held it like I was in the North Pole trying to warm myself up, yet we were just at the end of summer. It was still hot.

"You okay?" Joaquin cleared his throat.

"Yeah," I said.

"Good." Then he skirted around me and left.

I sighed. That was weird, and I was the one who made it that way.

I sat on the stool and watched the sun rise over the building next to theirs. The window over the sink was small, but it was a nice view. Better than anything I"d had before.

Forcing myself to take tiny sips, I was mostly able to not pull faces.

There was sugar and milk, but I didn"t want to use it. The coffee pods were expensive and I didn"t want to take more of their groceries than I needed to.

I finished off the cup, feeling the mild jolt of caffeine. It would hit harder in about fifteen minutes, and that was what really kept me coming back to try it.

I had just washed the cup in the sink when Kim"s reflection appeared over my shoulder.

"Beasty, good morning…Is this okay?" He slowly moved my hair off my shoulder before dropping a kiss on the crook of my neck. My cheesy grin stared back at me from the window.

"It"s more than good." I nodded and Kim gave me a goofy grin of his own.

We were riding the high together. He"d never said he hadn"t done anything, but I was pretty sure he hadn"t. And it seemed rude to ask. I hadn"t, and he probably knew that since everyone had treated me like a pariah at school.

"What are you doing today?" I asked as I turned and rested my hip against the counter.

He hummed as he filled the electric tea kettle up and turned it on.

"We have a photoshoot and a couple auditions. Do you want to come?" He raised his brows.

I hesitated. Since that last night when Lake had punched a man, I hadn"t gone to any more of their jobs.

And after our shopping experience, I tried to steer Kim toward spending time with me here at their place.

"It will be fun. Fashion shoots are way less intense than a show. And you can stay in the lobby for the auditions. Nothing crazy will happen, I swear." His voice got louder with each word, which was regular volume because he was soft spoken.

So different from Lake"s rumbling barks or Atlas" deep baritone. Joaquin talked too fast to compare.

I didn"t fit in at those places. And quite honestly, I didn"t like them as much as they didn"t like me. It was just like growing up in West Virginia, except the mean people had access to money and fame. The attention got to them, the same way that greed got to the people in foster care.

Kim reached a tentative hand out and stopped my hands from twisting around each other.

"Please, Beasty? After all these years, I just really like having you close." His eyes were so open and earnest, I fell right into their depths, willing to give him anything he wanted.

"Why didn"t you talk to me before? When we were kids?" I couldn"t hold the question in. Not anymore.

Kim was the closest to me in age. I"d see him sometimes in the hallway and after school. Of all the guys, it would have been easiest for him to talk to me.

I had always thought he just didn't like me, but that didn"t match with the person standing in front of me now.

He rolled his lips together, dropping his gaze from my eyes to my chin. "I wanted to."

"Then why didn"t you?" There was a pleading note in my voice I hadn"t heard before. Not even when I went to see Books. "Just help me understand. Was I not worth the trouble? To be seen in public?"

The questions kept rolling from my tongue. Why did I need to know? Why now?

Like the dim morning was just as good as the cover of night, I suddenly needed to know why I hadn"t been good enough growing up. None of their excuses made sense when they just couldn"t acknowledge that I was a real person.

His eyes seemed to frown, but eyes couldn"t do that. Yet I couldn"t argue the sadness that was clear to see. "I wanted to, Beasty. But you understand, the way you found us," he sucked in a breath, "we were damaged, you saved us."

That didn"t make any sense. "I didn"t save you. The police officer did. Anyone would have."

He shrugged and looked anywhere but at me. "I"m not shy, not really, but I just could never talk to you. It wasn't because I didn"t want to."

I deflated, not satisfied, and the awkwardness he projected tore at my heart. I wasn't trying to upset him. He didn"t deserve that when they'd taken me in and didn"t ask me to do anything other than just be here.

"I want to get a job or something. Okay?" I flipped my hand up and cupped his wrist.

"Where did that come from?" Kim tilted his head to the side.

The caffeine must be doing it. Making my thoughts travel down several different competing paths. I just had so many thoughts and my feelings seemed bigger.

I"d never paid attention to my emotions before. I didn"t let myself. Otherwise, I never would have made it out of Megan and Ed"s.

"I–I don"t know," I said softly.

Kim shifted to hold my hands in his, and his glaze was glued to where his thumbs slid across the back of my hands.

"None of that matters. Only right now."

That was true. The past did not define us.

But it didn"t take away the ever-present sting of old hurts either.

"Sorry," I breathed.

"Don"t be sorry." He leaned forward, waiting.

Kim did that. He moved slowly. Never touching me without making it clear he wanted to, or asking permission. It was sweet and heartbreaking all at the same time.

Tipping my face toward his, he brushed his lips across mine.

Butterflies erupted in my stomach and I tightened my hold on his hands. With a gentle force, he tugged me closer to him.

When he broke away, he looked me in the eyes. "I don"t want to go without you."

"Okay." There was nothing else to say. Not since I"d caused a scene.

Except, I should have listened to my gut.

On the way to the photoshoot, Lake took a detour, pulling off on a side street that went between a few industrial buildings. He stopped at the corner, and Kim grabbed a package from the back of the SUV.

It was the size of a notebook and about half an inch thick. Maybe it was a file or something? It was plain cardboard on the outside with no writing or other clues about what it could be. It didn"t appear heavy, either.

He handed it up to Lake.

"I"ll be right back," Lake said as he exited the car and walked to the entrance to one of the buildings. The door opened, and a beefy hand stuck out.

Lake took something from it before slipping the package in the hand.

I cut my gaze to Kim, but he watched Lake with bright interest. This didn"t look innocent. As far as I knew, there was nothing they would be exchanging in an industrial part of town.

I"d been homeless. I"d been in foster care. I"d been exposed to some very shady people.

My gut was telling me something was off, but I didn't want to believe it. Not about them.

The boys had everything I wanted for myself. They made it out of our town. They were able to support themselves. They were making their own happiness. And our history meant everything to me as pathetic as it was.

Yet I couldn"t shake the feeling they achieved so much by falling into the cycle instead of breaking free.

I was going to be sick.