Chapter 20

20

"Good boy," Patience whispered to Titan, who raised his head and stood up as she closed Dorian's door behind her with as little sound as she could.

Titan's tall, shaggy body was a visible silhouette against the darkness of the room. She couldn't imagine what it would be like if every time she'd come here, Titan would have thrown himself at her the way he had that first night.

She'd managed to befriend the beast by bringing him treats and scraps from the kitchen each night she visited Dorian.

This time, she had a large piece of a boiled chicken breast that she had gone to the kitchen for herself. She could have, of course, asked her chambermaid or Mrs. Knight, but she still did not feel right asking servants to do tasks she could perform very easily.

She patted Titan's wiry head as he ate in large, satisfied bites. Goodness, she wouldn't have wanted to be that piece of chicken in his huge jaws. His giant tail thumped quickly and loudly from side to side, his ears pressed to his head. Both of his eyes, the black one and the white one, held an expression of utter worship as he chewed looking at her.

"Aw," she whispered with a grin. "I love you, too, Titan."

She opened the door so that he would walk out of the room. "And now, be a good boy and guard your master and me in the corridor, would you?"

Titan walked out of the room, for which she gave him another strategically saved treat and patted his head through the gap between the door and the frame before shutting it.

With Titan gone, Patience gave a long sigh and looked at Dorian's bed. In the moonlight falling through three large windows into the vast room, she could see him lying on his back with one arm flung over his head on the pillow. He looked so peaceful.

Without his habitual scowl, he was so handsome. He looked much younger, even with the patch of white hair at his temple.

Not wanting to wake him, she tiptoed her way towards her husband.

Her talk earlier today with Chastity had left her out of sorts. At first, she'd felt they could be friends, sisters like she and Anne. But Chastity's critique of Patience's method left her feeling misunderstood and discouraged. How could she have been so stupid and not thought of recording the progress of her original bushes more thoroughly? Chastity was older than her, and more experienced in scientific circles. She knew better what was required.

Patience had never needed Dorian's warm, strong, reassuring arms around her as much as she needed them now. She climbed under his warm blanket, relishing his heat. Like always, she slid along the length of his body and laid her head in the crease between his shoulder and his hard chest.

He smelled so good. Like quite a sinner, she pressed her nose against his smooth skin and inhaled deeply several times. No one should ever know about this. If she could, she would wrap herself in his scent and wear it like a warm shawl on sad, cold days.

His scent melted something in her and made her think of bare parts of her body against bare parts of his body, and pleasure. So much pleasure.

She wriggled her head to find the best place, and sighed out when she did. His chest rose and fell evenly and deeply.

Finally, she could close her eyes. Much better. She didn't think of her failure over the last six years at all.

She was just drifting into sleep when she became aware of a disturbance. Muffled sounds of distress filled the air. Dorian's chest rose unevenly and rapidly.

She raised her head.

"No…" he mumbled, his eyes still closed. "No!" he repeated.

"Dorian?" she whispered.

His face in the moonlight was anguished, the crease of a frown marring his forehead. "No, let me go!"

Patience sat up, a cold rush of fear making her alert.

"No, Papa…" He thrashed, jerking his head to his left. "Let me out! Please!"

He was crying. His face was distorted in a terrible grimace. Chastity had told her that Dorian had protected her against his papa. Dorian, her damaged and wounded husband… Patience was desperate to help release him from this painful experience.

"Let me out, please!" Dorian kept thrashing.

Let him out of where?

She wrapped her arms around him. "You're safe, Dorian," she said gently, stroking his damp face. "It's all right."

He clutched her like she was his last salvation.

She kissed him on his misted forehead, and he opened his eyes and froze, staring at her blindly, confused .

"Patience," he mumbled, and wiped his face with both hands.

While her body was frozen in shock, quite strangely, part of her mind realized she'd just called him by his first name. For the first time.

And how right it felt on her lips, just as right as hearing her given name on his.

"Are you all right?" she asked, despite dozens of other questions rushing through her mind. "Did you have a nightmare?"

He sat up in his bed, leaning against the pillows. "I'm fine. I— What happened?" he asked, eyeing her carefully.

"You were dreaming. You called for your papa to let you out."

She saw the exact moment his defenses slammed down, like a portcullis forbidding her access.

"Damnation," he cursed quietly. "This is why I hadn't wanted you to sleep in my bed, share my quarters, or come anywhere near me. I should have never let you in."

All the things he'd said about his mama, about Bramble, the closeness they felt. The connection.

She felt like he'd just jerked that growing connection away. The words stung, and tears prickled her eyes. She nodded, defeated. Sometimes she felt like she was seeing more and more of him, glimpses of the man behind the fear, the pain, and the defenses. Other times, she felt like she'd never reach him. Never help him heal. Never be able to chase away the ghosts haunting him.

"I won't ask," she said.

That didn't mean she wouldn't try to find out more. But just for now, for his sake, she wouldn't push him.

"But I don't want to leave you alone in this state."

He studied her, and she saw his Adam's apple bob under his chin. Then he nodded, and she nestled against him once again.

Her treacherous body felt like she'd arrived home as his arms closed around her and pressed her into his hard chest.

"If you have any more nightmares," she mumbled against his delicious skin as they both settled down into a lying position, "just give them to me. I won't be afraid."