Chapter 6

Chapter Six

He hated this.

He hated feeling like this.

Out of control, so unlike himself, so desperate and needy and slutty. The begging, the aggressiveness, the relentless need to be fucked… He hated all of it.

His heats were usually so intense Oliver was out of it most of the time and only had hazy memories. The problem was that what he remembered always made him feel sick to his stomach. Being fucked by one alpha after another, sometimes two at a time, his hole so raw he could barely sit for days afterward. Being slapped, pushed around, manhandled, forced to suck cock until he choked. He’d passed out too many times to count, only to wake up while being fucked again.

And the worst? He asked for it. Begged for it. Pleaded with the alphas to do whatever they wanted with him. And every single time, the shame afterward made him sick. Physically ill. Because how could he claim to be abused when he clearly liked it? When he literally asked for it?

So when he had a moment of clarity after hours of haze, he didn’t dare to look Adar in his eyes. What did the alpha think of him now after Oliver had used him, with no regard to what the alpha wanted? He’d been completely focused on his own needs and pleasure with zero consideration for Adar’s.

Adar’s gentle fingers brushed some hair off his forehead. “Everything okay, angel?”

Angel. If there ever was a name Oliver didn’t deserve, it was that one.

Adar tilted Oliver’s chin up, and now Oliver had no choice but to face him. “What’s wrong?”

Oliver couldn’t answer. The words were, as always, stuck inside his brain. Even the smallest sentences were a challenge, let alone something as complicated as this.

“Adar, can you give me a few minutes with him?”

Delton. Oh gods, Oliver had forgotten about him. Adar wasn’t the only one who had witnessed him at his worst. Delton had been there too.

“Did I do something wrong?” Adar asked, and Oliver’s heart ached for him. It hurt to see that strong, proud man walk on eggshells around him, always scared to break him. And Oliver didn’t even have the words to explain to him he’d survived the worst anyone could think of and couldn’t be broken any further, especially not by someone as caring and gentle as Adar. Nothing that man did would make things worse, but how could he ever communicate that?

“I don’t think so, but why don’t you go take a shower and get something to eat so I can check in with Oliver?”

Adar took a long look at Oliver, then nodded. “Okay.”

When he’d left, Oliver didn’t know what to do. Did Delton expect him to talk now?

“You don’t need to say anything,” Delton said softly, as if he’d read Oliver’s mind. “I just wanted to give you a moment to yourself. I bet there’s a lot going through your head.”

No kidding. Oliver’s mind was in chaos, one thought tumbling over another, each more depressing than the previous. He wasn’t sure if it was a blessing or a curse that he’d have only ten minutes of clarity before the haze descended again and he’d turn into a beast. ‘Cause that was what it felt like—a beast taking over his body and mind. Not him. He would never be that inconsiderate and selfish, so focused on the physical act of sex above everything else. That wasn’t him. Hell, outside of his heat, sex was his worst nightmare.

He didn’t even realize he was crying until Delton sat on the edge of the bed and handed him a tissue. He dabbed his eyes and dared to peer up at the beta, who looked at him with nothing but kindness and concern. No judgment or disgust.

“I hate this,” he whispered and jolted in shock. The words had come out.

Delton widened his eyes, but other than that gave no reaction. Him not making a big deal out of it made it easier. “I hate being in heat.”

“A lot of omegas feel that way because they lose control. Is that the same for you?”

He nodded as he hunched his shoulders. If he could disappear into the ground, he would. “Not myself.”

“You are not yourself during your heat, Oliver. But don’t feel ashamed about it. It’s not your fault.”

He dabbed another tear away. “You saw me.”

“I did, and what I witnessed was an omega who was swept up in the force of a biological process outside his control. And I bet Adar feels the same. You were scared to face him, but you have no reason to be. He sees the same thing I do.”

Was he right? Did they not look at him differently now after witnessing his behavior? “Hate it.”

“I can understand that. Like I said, I’ve heard it from many omegas…but it’s even stronger for those with a history of abuse.”

It was? “Why?”

Delton slowly stretched out his arm, giving him ample time to pull away. When he didn’t, the beta gently held Oliver’s hand, his touch more comforting than Oliver had expected. Funny that something so small could have such an impact. “Will you trust me when I say now is not the time to explain that? But I’d love to work with you, Oliver, and guide you in processing everything that has happened to you. You weren’t ready before, but I’m hoping you are now. I can help you. I can make the load you carry a little lighter.”

Hope fluttered in Oliver’s chest. Could he really? But what if it didn’t work? What if he would never recover from his trauma? He’d heard about Duer, a beta in the pack who’d been raped a few years prior and had never gotten over it. Though, according to the grapevine, he was doing a little better. And he was talking to Delton too. It was Delton’s job, his area of expertise.

“Scared,” he whispered.

“It must be terrifying.”

“Why?”

“Why is it so scary to talk to me?”

Oliver nodded.

“When you’re in a situation like you were in, hope is the most dangerous emotion of all. Because what you faced was so hopeless that harboring the smallest bit of positivity that things could get better meant opening yourself up to be hurt even more. Because nothing good ever happened. In fact, it must’ve seemed like maintaining a positive outlook only made things worse. So you’ve learned to squash that hope…and now I’m asking you to allow it again. You can’t start working with me until you have at least some sense it could help, but after years of teaching yourself the darkness was permanent, how can you trust the light source?”

Delton had a way of explaining things so clearly. And he was one hundred percent right. Even when Fallon had come back after his first visit to the pack and reported nothing but great news, Oliver had refused to believe it. Fallon had fought hard to get Oliver to come with him and the others. Oliver had been convinced they’d get caught and punished. Or that the pack and the Doyles would turn out to be just as bad…or worse.

His mind buzzed again, the signal that he had only a few moments left of clear thinking. Delton was asking Oliver to trust him, and he’d shown every reason Oliver could. No one in the pack had ever done anything against his will so far. And if there was even the slightest chance he could get better, maybe learn to use his voice again, shouldn’t he grab it with both hands? Didn’t he owe that to himself and Adar, his mate? If he wanted a future with Adar, he had to do what he could to be worthy of him.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Yes.”

The fog took over again, like a fever that crashed into his body, setting him on fire. It ached inside him, that emptiness he could never seem to fill during his heat. He needed something. He needed…

He must’ve moved because he was kissing someone. Not Adar. Delton. Shit.

But he couldn’t make himself stop, not when Delton tasted so sweet. His cock filled again, and he rubbed himself against Delton. Such a different feeling from Adar, from an alpha. Softer, smaller, smoother. His beard tickled but in the best way.

Why was Delton not kissing him back? He allowed Oliver to rub against him, but he wasn’t touching him, wasn’t reciprocating. Didn’t he want him?

The door opened. Adar. His mate.

“I’m sorry,” Delton said. What was he sorry for? He hadn’t done anything wrong. Hell, he hadn’t even touched Oliver where any other man would’ve pinned him against the wall and be balls deep inside him. He was naked and needy, a shameless slut begging to be fucked. What man said no to that?

“I understand,” Adar said.

Why were they talking when Oliver needed cock? Again, he rutted against Delton, who was still wearing all his clothes.

“Come here, angel,” Adar said. “I’ve got you.”

Oliver let go of Delton and held his arms out to Adar, who lifted him effortlessly. Oliver wrapped his legs around him and reached backward to find Adar’s cock. That beautiful, big cock would take away the emptiness. But even when it slid inside him, even when Adar was as deep inside him as possible, the craving didn’t dissipate.

He raised his head from Adar’s shoulder and looked at Delton, who still stood next to him. His clothes were rumpled, with wet spots from where Oliver’s cock must’ve smeared precum. And in his nice slacks, Delton’s erection was undeniable, perfectly outlined.

Oliver pointed at it, making a needy sound.

Delton shook his head. “No.”

“Yes,” he whispered.

“What does he want?” Adar asked, his low voice rumbling in his chest.

“For me to join,” Delton said. “Which is not going to happen.”

Oliver whimpered as he rocked himself on Adar’s cock. “Why?”

“Because this is your heat talking, not you. Because you don’t really want this and will regret it afterward. Because I’m not your agreed partner. Adar is. And most of all, because you’re my patient, and I would never violate my ethics like that.”

The force of that truth pierced through the clouds in Oliver’s brain, and shame filled him as he hung his head. See? That was why he hated being in heat, why he hated himself. How could he have ever suggested that? “Sorry…”

A gentle finger lifted his chin, and when Oliver looked up, he met Delton’s kind blue eyes. “I’m not angry with you,” the beta said softly. “I know this isn’t you. You have nothing to be ashamed about or sorry for.”

How could he be this kind after what Oliver had done? It floored him. But the haze in his head grew stronger, and no matter how hard he fought it, he couldn’t push it back.

Warm lips kissed his forehead. “Let it go, Oliver. You’re safe here. Among friends.”

Safe.

He’d never been safe during his heat. Ever. And when his heat took hold of him again, he felt a little less empty inside.