Chapter 17

17

Simon can never be mine.

Lilis took a deep breath of fresh air, tinged with a hint of burnt pine.

An endirim hunting demons endangered Simon more than the manjeja, more than the fall from a helicopter. More than anything she could even imagine in her worst nightmares.

Facing an endirim was a risk she hadn’t had to bear for nearly two thousand years.

Not since one killed Divit.

She ran her hands through her hair and paced outside the hospital. The collar of her black t-shirt felt tight, and she tugged it away from her neck, trying to catch her breath. Whoever the endirim was had already demonstrated they didn’t care about the safety of humans by repeatedly setting the blaze. And targeting Hoyt.

I felt like I was being yanked backward .

Hoyt’s description of his “accident” sent chills down Lilis’ spine. The endirim had dragged him down a hill, stolen his helmet, and knocked him unconscious. All to draw Lilis into the open.

And Hoyt was only one of her teammates. If the endirim had any inkling of how she felt about Simon… if he even suspected…

She shuddered.

You can’t stay. Your emotions are dangerous, and they’re going to be Simon’s death, if not yours.

“I won’t,” she promised herself. “But first I have to get Simon to safety.”

She sensed him before she saw him. Smelled his unique blend of sandalwood and man. Felt the weight of his gaze on her back. And when she finally saw him, her breath caught.

Simon’s deep brown eyes met hers across the expanse of parking lot and green grass. And even from a distance, they sparkled. He strode toward her with confident steps, and Lilis’ vision narrowed, the world around her dimming until all she could see was the bright color of Simon against a smoke-gray backdrop.

He smiled, and his color stole into her like tiny whisps of warm light, kindling joy and other emotions she struggled to extinguish. One look from him, and she was laid bare.

Beneath the woodsy kaleidoscope of his eyes, his skin was deep blue and bruised. How long had he looked so tired and stressed? And what had he been saying about an upcoming test?

If being with me doesn’t kill him, it will at least kill his dreams. He’s spent all this time with me at the expense of a part of his identity. The one that cares for other people.

“Hey.” He tucked a stray lock of her hair behind her ear and massaged her neck, and Lilis bit back a moan at the feel of his hand. “Did you get what you need from Ben?”

“Yeah.” She closed her eyes and leaned into his touch. Just a few more minutes .

His hand slid down to her hip, drawing her against his hard frame. He bent his head to whisper in her ear. “Can your information wait?” He kissed her ear, causing goosebumps to erupt all along her skin.

Her breathing hitched, and she could only nod.

“Good. I want you to come home with me. I have plans .”

Oh hells. Why did his voice have to sound so deeply rich as it reverberated through her entire body, making her desperate to consume him on the spot? She could feel his barely leashed desire for her in the tension of his muscles as he held her.

She slid her arms around his broad shoulders and tucked her face into his neck, inhaling his scent. “Let’s go.”

A shiver rocked through him, and he tightened his grip on her hip as though he wanted to strip her right there on the sidewalk. She ignored it. Following him home had nothing to do with his plans and everything to do with keeping him safe.

But his plans became even more enticing once he tucked her inside the turquoise death trap. His presence surrounded her, his scent and the heat of his body drawing her in like a moth to flame.

Or a dragon to a flame.

Lilis resisted the pull to lose herself in him, calling on the nightmare visions that had haunted her since she’d saved Simon’s life. Henri. Caelius. Divit. Luqa. Every one of her lovers had died before their time. Because of her. She forced herself to remember the sound of Caelius hitting the ground an instant before she reached him. To picture his soft brown eyes, dark with accusation and dimmed in death.

The warm whisps of her emotions withered as though hit with a sudden frost. Lilis poured on the cold, closing her eyes to relive holding Divit close, trying to surround him, while waves of endirim power pulsed through the forest around their little cabin. Pulsed right through her body, weakened from wounds gifted by the human hunters.

And into Divit.

He’d died before the energy had even finished passing them, died in her arms before Lilis had even known he was gone.

The stabbing grief of his loss slowly faded to pins and needles as a numb calm stole through her body, cutting her off from all feelings. She opened her eyes again, completely hollowed out and detached.

The gravel driveway of Simon’s apartment building crunched under Tracy’s tires, and cool, crisp air hit her face as they exited.

He held her hand as they walked down the tiny hallway and through the door to his apartment, and she let him. Because she needed to keep him safe. Not because she craved his touch.

He turned to her, breathing through his mouth, burnt cedar eyes roving over her body hungrily. But it was too easy now to picture those beautiful orbs devoid of warmth and life, staring into oblivion.

“I have to go.”

Simon blinked in surprise and straightened away from her. “Now? Where?”

“The Barrens. I know who’s been starting the fires. I’m going to go take care of him.” Potent rage, hot and welcome, sped through her. She had a purpose now, and it fueled her. She leaned against the doorframe and crossed her arms. “He won’t hurt anyone else.”

Understanding dawned on Simon’s face, both eyebrows shooting into his shaggy hair. “I see. So you came here to drop me off, is that it?”

Lilis scoffed. “Did you really expect to come with me?” She looked him up and down. “To do what?”

His gaze hardened. “To help you if you get hurt. I watched a building fall on you last night. I’d prefer that not happen again.”

“I got this, thanks. Or did you miss the part where you’re human and I’m a literal dragon demon? The scales, the horns, the tail not enough to clue you in?”

Anger flashed in his eyes. “Two days ago, you couldn’t walk without my help, in case you forgot, Patient Twelve.”

Lilis flinched at his use of that old nickname, putting distance between them. Good. But damn, it hurt. “I’ll survive.” The truth of her words was almost enough to send her to her knees, but she stayed strong. “I always fucking survive.”

Even when no one else does .

She turned around and took a step. She’d walk away and never look back.

“You can’t claim to have survived the battles you refuse to fight.”

Preternatural speed brought her eye to eye with him before he could take his next breath. But he didn’t back away from her. “I refuse nothing . Don’t underestimate me, Simon. I don’t lose fights.”

“Then what do you lose?”

“Nothing! I told you?—”

Simon grabbed her shoulders. “I watched a building fall on you yesterday,” he repeated. Tension coiled his entire body, radiating through his hands and into Lilis. “I’m not letting you run away from me. And to do what? Run off to another building and have that one collapse on you too? But this time, I’m not there to help? Do you have any idea what that would do to me? What it’s doing to me now?” His hands tightened on her arms briefly. “You’re making a mistake. And all because you won’t admit to what you’ve lost.”

Luqa. The name of her first love erupted in her mind like a starburst, and she mentally stumbled, losing some of her momentum.

Simon’s eyes narrowed. He leaned forward, his mouth right by her ear. “What have you lost…” The tone of his voice was dark. Dangerous. “… mon ange ?”

“ Henri .” His name flew out of her mouth with all the air in her lungs. She shoved Simon with a scream, but he held tightly to her. A crack appeared in the ice where she’d trapped her memories and feelings. White noise roared through her ears, and she struggled against him.

“You have no right! ”

“Talk to me, Lilis.”

“ Never! You lied to me. You said you made that phrase up.” The crack widened. “Longwei told you what that means, didn’t he? That slimy piece of shit!”

Simon’s grip tightened. “I have never lied to you, Lilis. I’m trying to help you! But you’re asking me to stand here and do nothing while you go marching off into God-only-knows what. Fuck, this is just like Madurai.”

Sound stopped.

Time stopped.

Her anger fled, taking with it her ability to fight.

“How…” Her throat was dry, and she couldn’t get enough air. The world spun. She drew short breaths, trying to regain her equilibrium. “How do you know about Madurai?”

“You abandoned me on the outskirts of the city! And for what?” Simon’s voice took on a hollowed quality, almost as though someone else was speaking to her through him. “Those hunters would never have caught up to us.”

“Divit?” Lilis stumbled backward, would have fallen over if not for Simon’s grip on her.

“Lilis?” Simon’s voice returned to normal, sounding as though he were right next to her again. “Oh god, are you okay? What the hell was I saying?”

She trembled, images flooding her, swirling around, drowning her vision until she couldn’t see anymore.

No. Those weren’t images.

They were tears.

Lilis blinked, trying to clear them to be able to see Simon. She needed to find him.

“Simon?” Lilis tried to scream his name. Maybe she did. Or maybe she hadn’t even spoken out loud. But her sobs were real, wracking her frame as her emotions broke free of their frozen prison and pounded at her until all she could see was the blur of her past failures, the past loves who’d depended on her and suffered for their love of her.

Thick, strong arms went around her, pressing her against a hard chest. “I’m here, Lilis.”

His voice rumbled in her ear, drawing her attention to his heartbeat, strong and regular, reminding her he was still alive.

“Let go, Lilis. You’re safe.”

She cried harder, tears soaking through his blue cotton shirt. “But you’re not.”

He didn’t argue, didn’t try to reassure her he was fine. Instead, he held her and tilted her face up to place a tender kiss on her lips. “Tell me why.”

She fought with herself. Telling Simon would make it so much more real. If she said the words out loud, she’d risk sealing his fate.

His fate is already sealed.

The realization slammed through her. She’d already fallen for this human nurse with the kind eyes, sharp mind, and body of the gods. She was lost, and because of it, so was he.

“Because I care about you.” Lilis was surprised at how strong her voice sounded to her own ears. “And no one I’ve ever… no one I care about lives long after meeting me.”

Stunned silence met her declaration, and wide brown eyes searched her face.

“You asked me what I’ve lost.” She took a shaky breath. “Everything, Simon. Again and again, I’ve lost my world with the person who means the most to me. I… I can’t stop it.”

Still, he didn’t say anything.

“Simon, please. You don’t have to say you care about me too. Just please let me go. Right now, before your life gets any more tangled up in mine.” She pulled away from him, and he let her go. She paused in the doorway, clutching the frame. “Stay here. Just for today.” One foot in the hall. Another and she’d be gone, leaving him in the safety of his home. “I’ll take care of the asshole starting the fires. He won’t come anywhere near you, and then?—”

“It’s me.”

Lilis stopped, hand on the doorknob. She turned back to find Simon standing in the middle of his tiny apartment, eyes closed, hands fisted at his sides, muscles tensed. He opened his eyes, and the weight of his gaze floored her.

“It’s always been me.”

She peered at him curiously but didn’t make a move toward him. “What has?”

He shook his head. “You’ve always had a few white scales.” He pointed to her ass. “There. Well, on your tail. You once told me you were born with them.”

Chills crawled up her spine. She’d only ever told Luqa about her scales. No one else had asked.

Simon approached her slowly, gently lifting her hair off her shoulder, tugging down on the collar of her black t-shirt, and exposing her scar. “You were bitten by a leopard defending me. In Rome.”

“ Katzei demon ,” Lilis whispered. “Looked like a leopard.” She lowered her gaze, her shame washing over her in a wave. “Not that it mattered. Two days later, some Romans who hated Caelius for sleeping with a demon held me down while they beat him and… and pushed him off a cliff. I couldn’t get to him in time, and he… he…”

Simon flinched, and a full-body shudder wracked his powerful frame. “I remember your screams.” His eyes met hers, his expression shadowed and haunted. “The bite kept you from using your wings well enough to save me. Didn’t it?”

She nodded and hiccupped, more tears spilling.

Simon tilted his head to the side, brows furrowing. “I can hear the crack of a whip… I thought it was just my brain taking a weird trip earlier.”

“That was Luqa,” Lilis whispered.

“What kind of lives have I led? And my deaths…” His voice trailed off.

All horrible. Because of me.

“Lilis…”

“I’m sorry. Simon, I’m so sorry. ”

“What kind of life have you led?” His gaze searched hers.

Lilis wanted to run and hide. But she forced herself to face him, to accept whatever judgment he passed on her.

“I can’t control what I remember.” His voice was calm, even. “But I do know one thing.” His other hand lifted one of hers, placing it against his chest, over his heart. Her hand clenched against him, bunching the material of his shirt, trying to hold him to her forever, knowing it was impossible.

“You have always protected me. Fought for me. Bled for me. I used to hate it when you called yourself a demon. That held such a different meaning in Catholic France. And you were my angel. Mon ange .”

Lilis shook her head vehemently and tried to push him away with the hand still clutching his shirt. “I wasn’t Henri’s angel when I failed him. When the griffins snuck back into the city right under my nose and ripped him to shreds.”

His free hand cupped her cheek. She flinched at his touch, staring at the floor under his feet. She nearly crumpled under the weight of knowledge. She hadn’t failed four different men.

She’d failed the same man four times. Horrifically.

Simon’s thumb brushed across her cheek, wiping her tears away. “Lilis. My Lilis . You’ve never failed me.”

Lilis shattered. Her knees buckled, and she collapsed against Simon.

Cold. For the first time in her long life, Lilis shivered against a bone-deep cold. She felt as though she would never—could never—be warm again. But Simon held her through her tears and shaking, stroking her back and driving away the chill with his warm hands.

“Why are you comforting me ? After everything I’ve done? After everything you’ve been through. Your deaths, your?—”

“Because this is the first time I’ve ever remembered. And it doesn’t scare me, Lilis. It empowers me.” He tilted her face up to his, full lips sliding along hers in a soft kiss. “I have never known myself more than I do in this moment.” He kissed her cheek. “I know who I am.” He kissed her forehead. “I know what I want.” His mouth met hers again with a kiss that grew hungrier, more demanding. “And I want you. ”