4. Wrenlee

4

WRENLEE

I asked her to keep silent about my gift, but I might as well have asked the twin red suns above to quit being so damn hot. I knew it was wasted when I did it, but I had to try. When we gather for breakfast, it is, of course, the main topic of conversation.

"You are kidding me!" Emery exclaims with a squeal. "Wren, who is it? Come on girl, spill."

I give her an icy glare that normally would have shut her down, but no such luck today. Today, she's on a full rampage of interrogation and not going to let this go. The other girls are leaning in, eyes gleaming with anticipation of finding out the latest hot gossip. Who is chasing after me now? As if it matters. As if any of this matters.

The futile and hollowness of it all hits me like a punch to the gut. It's all I can do to not gasp in shock at the depth of the feeling. I feel like I'm staring into an abyss and it's endlessly empty and pointless, but no, it's not an abyss. I'm looking at my future and there is nothing there to be proud of. No difference of any import made to the world because of my having lived in it. And what is the point of any of this?

"Come on Wren, tell us about it. You have to know," Ayla says, jumping onto the wagon with Emery.

"I don't know," I say, with a shrug and a forced half-smile. "Truly."

It's true, mostly. I don't know. Suspect? Sure, but know? That's a whole different thing now, isn't it?

"Okay, maybe you don't know , know, but you must have a clue. Who do you think it is ?" Valentina asks.

"Oh, is it that one guy?" Paisley asks. "You guys know. The one who was working on repairing the damage in our rooms from the quake… what was his name?"

"I don't know his name. All I remember is those abs ," Iris says, with a dreamy smile on her face. "I mean… wow ."

And there it is. The one thing that all the girls care about. Sex . Well, sex and being seen with the right people. I can't blame them, because I was no different. I am no different, am I? I'm still here. Still playing my assigned role even if it no longer makes sense.

I purse my lips and I'm about to say something when Saylor catches my eye. She gives the slightest shake of her head and it's as if she's reading my mind. I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and let it go.

What am I even thinking? It may not even have been him. One thing I don't lack for is admirers and, honestly, stalkers. It could be anybody that left the painting for me.

But it's not. I know it's not.

No, I don't. Damn it. This longing, even the idea of it, is forbidden and damn it I'm one of the ones who made it that way. We decided a long time ago that interspecies mating was wrong. Bad. Terrible. A blow to the human race. As these other, lesser women have taken to mating and having half-breed babies, we found something to look down on. The only thing more pariah than those women are the followers of Gershom, though they espoused the same views, at least effectively. Now most of them are either gone or so deep in hiding it leaves only this social construct. No matter how pale and pointless it is.

For there to be an ‘upper' society, there must be a lower. Some strata of people are relegated to be less for whatever reason. It's a truism throughout the entire history of the human race. Opening my eyes, I place my carefully practiced knowing smile on my face.

"I don't know ," I repeat, but this time I pitch my voice to imply that I might know and I'm not going to tell them.

They "ooh" and "aw" over it. Saylor subtly nods and I give her a more genuine smile. I am reminded again how much I miss Ziva. The pang of loss is less, but it never quite goes away. She would have hated it here, but that doesn't make her absence any easier.

I let the flow of conversation absorb my attention. It's mostly mindless, but that's what I need. It leaves my mind free to think about the painting. About him and the internal debate that rages about what I should do.

One part of me says "follow your heart". If I do that, though, the consequences could be dire. I stand to lose everything, at least all I have ever known. No matter how pointless it may seem, it is all I have. All I know. Even the idea of losing it all makes my heart palpitate.

Besides, what would I be throwing it all away for? I don't know Sek'su. Not really. We've barely had a conversation. I have never been one to shy away from a scandal. My life has been filled with them, but this wouldn't be a scandal, it would be social suicide.

Because of me. All this was my idea. Which makes it even harder to throw it away.

I hate to admit that, even to myself, but I know it's true and, in the end, I can't lie to myself, now can I?

"Wren, what do you think?" Ayla asks.

"I'm sorry, what?" I ask, having lost the thread of the conversation that has gone on without me.

"Wren!" Ayla rolls her eyes and shakes her head with disappointment.

"You know, Wren," Paisley says. "I'm right and you know it."

"Right?" I ask, confusion making my head spin.

"Come on Wren, take my side," Paisley says, a pleading note to her voice.

I dart a nervous glance at Saylor, looking for a bailout, but she is leaning into Valentina talking softly and either doesn't see my glance or isn't going to come to my rescue. Nervous butterflies dance in my stomach as they all stare, waiting for me to speak.

"I think it's all a matter of taste," I say, faking composure and saying something that is so neutral and noncommittal that it's almost assured to work.

Paisley looks crestfallen, but Ayla smiles and the other girls laugh.

"Taste, of course. Everyone is entitled to have their own wrong opinion," Iris says, waving her hand over the table.

"I'm not wrong," Paisley says, so clearly disappointed, that I feel bad for her.

I don't even know what I just made happen. I was so lost in my thoughts and now I've caused her to be hurt. Great. And now I have to wonder, why do I feel bad? I'm the Ice Queen, these things never bothered me before. What has changed?

He has. Because I cannot deny that I'm thinking of one question. What would he think of this?

"Hello."

I recognize his deep bass voice immediately. How he got so close behind me, I have no idea, but I know it's him even without the looks of shock and disbelief on the girls' faces.

Shit.