31. Wrenlee

31

WRENLEE

W e make love again. In a way, I'm proud to have held out for as long as I did. Sex with him is unlike any sex I've ever had in my life. It's not something I can quite put my finger on but it's so much more than grinding our bodies together.

Everything he does has intention and love behind it. With him there is no rushing towards a climax or any drive towards getting it over with that I've felt so often with other men I've been with. I don't know that I ever had sex with anyone without an ulterior motive beyond only pleasure for them and myself.

Which is a sad statement of what my life has been but also reaffirms that this is what I need. He is my all and everything and there is no doubt in my head or heart that I am the same for him. When we finish at last, exhausted, but satisfied, lying in one another's arms listening to one another's beating hearts, it's perfect.

I know outside this room, the world is moving on. There is no doubt that I am being talked about. My public breakdown will feed the masses for months to come, but none of that matters. The futility of who and what I was has become so ridiculous as to be absurd. I can't bring myself to truly care any longer.

"You are happy?" Sek'su asks, his voice sounding sleepy,his hearts are beating slower.

I have my head on his chest listening to them. The regular rhythmic beating is exactly what I need to lull me into sleep too.

"I am," I say, yawning.

"What about… all that… your, uhm, standing?"

"Fuck them," I say.

He rumbles deep in his chest while one hand trails its way over my hip and onto my ass.

"No," he says at last.

"No?" I ask, coming awake. I rise up onto an elbow so I can see his face. He nods to indicate that is what he said. "What do you mean no?"

He flashes a grin.

"Two things, one, no, I would not share your mating with any other." I scoff and roll my eyes. "But the other, the serious thing, is no, I do not think you, or we, should ignore it."

"What do you know about it?"

"Nothing," he shrugs as his tail slaps the bed with a loud thumping sound. "But I feel I know you. This is, or was, important to you. It is part of what makes you, you. And I would not have you change for me."

I'm literally dumbfounded. I don't know what to say to any of that. I'd resigned myself to giving up on salvaging anything of my reputation, but here he is encouraging me to keep it. To reclaim what was mine.

"The thing is…" I trail off trying to think it through in a way that I can put into words. It finally solidifies into a single thing. "I don't like who I was. I was petty, mean, and worried about things that really didn't matter at all. All to protect an ephemeral thing like reputation and popularity."

He grunts but doesn't say anything, though he looks thoughtful. He continues to roam his hands over my body which feels amazing. Despite the rigourous sex we just had desire is awakening under his gentle ministrations.

"Can you not have both?" he asks at last.

"Both?"

"Yes," he says, shifting around until he is sitting up facing me. "Be a better person, but also be you. Because you are a good person. Perhaps you did bad things. You said bad things for wrong reasons, but you are you. Beneath whatever persona you put on, is you. The real you who I see as kind and caring. Can you not be both?"

"No… I…" the protest dies on my lips.

I have never considered it. Can I? Can I be different yet still retain my position in the society as someone who matters? It might be difficult, but no I don't think it's impossible. It could work…

"Yes?" he asks, smiling and running his hands through my hair.

"Maybe?"

The beginnings of a plan form in my head. I'll need to recruit help, but I think I can do this. I smile then lean in and kiss him. I don't care about any of that right now. I'm going to ride him until he can't go anymore.