29. Wrenlee

29

WRENLEE

I don't even try to hold back the tears. Sitting on the mat next to the fire of my room they flow free as I sob. I lost. Everything. Emery has won.

I should have talked to him. Told him I had a plan.

Shining through the loss though is the memory of his lips on mine. The way he makes me feel is unbelievable. Sitting here, alone, broken and sad, there is a glimmer. A hope for the future. My tears run dry and I'm left staring into the flickering flames of the small fire.

My reputation is gone but… so what? If I am really the Ice Queen, as I've claimed all my life, why do I care? What has worked before is for me to rise above, and ignore the naysayers, the rumor mongers, and the haters.

My icy disdain for the opinions and thoughts of anyone besides myself has always been my armor. In that armor, I have always done what I want. Claimed what I wanted as mine.

And I want him.

There is no doubt in my mind as to the truth of that. He is the one. I've never been more certain of anything in all my life.

They were my words but so what? Is it so terrible to be wrong?

The pang that stabs into my guts and the middle of my head tells me that it is, but it's too late. I am wrong. I was young and stupid. Looking for anything that could help me remain relevant after the crash. Gershom and his followers were a swelling movement and looked, at the time at least, to be the ones who would remain in power.

Which is what it's all really about, isn't it? It's about power. Power to be free, to do what I want, when I want, without anyone able or willing to question me. Why does this have to be any different?

Because I care. That's the difference.

All those times before I didn't really care. Or if I did, it wasn't like this. This hurts because I love him and no matter how many times I've thought it or said the words before, this is not the same. This is real.

Rising to my feet I move over to the wash station and rinse my face, holding my damp hands to my eyes to try and keep them from being too puffy. One plan failed, fine. What do I do now?

"Wren?" Saylor calls my name.

I look over my shoulder and she's not in the room so she must be waiting outside the door.

"Come in," I say.

She pulls the leather aside and steps into the room. The look of concern on her face makes it hurt all over again but I'm not going to cry anymore. I'm done with that. It's time for me to take control. Somehow.

She doesn't speak as she walks across the room and takes me into a big, tight hug. I hold onto her too, grateful for both the contact and the silence. We hold each other for a while before parting by some unspoken, mutual agreement. We sit on the mats by the fire but neither of us speak for a while.

"What do you want to do?" she asks, breaking the silence at last.

I close my eyes and think it over before answering. This is the question and the one my thoughts keep returning to, but the answer, though clear as day, is not easy.

"I'm going to give up," I say at last.

She jerks her head up in surprise.

"You're… what?"

"Emery has won," I say with a shrug and a faint smile. "I lost. It's hers. And all the best to her for it."

"But… you… can't… you're… you."

I chuckle both at the way she tries to figure out what to say and how she says it.

"I was who I was," I say. "But this is what I've figured out, Saylor. It's time to grow up. I was, have been all my life, a child. Petulant, pissy, and spoiled. Demanding the world bow to my whims for no better reason than I'm rich and beautiful."

"Wren… you were… you are the best of us," she says with so much sincerity that it makes my heart ache.

"I don't think so," I say. "Honestly? I think you are. You're much kinder than I am and I finally see that kindness is what really matters."

She blinks rapidly and I don't miss the way her eyes glisten with unshed tears.

"What… what does this mean? For… us? For…" she motions with one hand through the air but it's an empty gesture, the same way I finally see that my life has been, "everything?"

"I can't speak for you," I say, taking her waving hand and clasping it between both of mine. "But for me. I'm done. The constant sniping, the snarky remarks, the hateful jabs. That's not who I am or, most importantly, who I want to be."

"You're sure?"

"I am more sure than I have ever been of anything in my life," I say.

"All this for… him? Is the sex that great?"

I smile and chuckle.

"See, that's the thing. Yes, for sure, the sex is great. Mind-blowing, but it's not because of the sex that I'm doing this. It's for him, Saylor."

She shakes her head.

"You've been in love before, Wren. It never lasts. This is a mistake. We can fix this."

I squeeze her hand tighter between mine as I shake my head.

"No," I say. "Saylor, for the first time in my life I have something I know is real. Every other crush, every other ‘love', not a one of them, and nothing I've experienced holds a candle to this. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, because it does. A lot. But that pales in comparison to the way he makes me feel. The way my heart speeds up when I even think of him. My breath catches in my chest. Saylor it sounds too simple, too easy, but I am certain. This is it. This is what love really is."

Tears roll down her cheeks but she nods and smiles.

"You've changed," she says.

"Yeah, I have."

She leans in closer and hooks her arm behind my neck, pulling me in until our foreheads meet.

"Ziva would be so proud of you."

My breath hitches and I can't keep a sob from escaping.

"I miss her, so much," I say, tears falling once again for my lost friend.

"Me too," Saylor whispers.

Someone knocks at the door and we break apart. We chuckle at each other, both of us rejecting the depth of the sense of loss we're experiencing.

"Who is it?" I snap, drying my tears with my hands.

"It is I," Sek'su says, his deep voice rumbling through the heavy leather.

I exchange a look with Saylor who is wide-eyed and pale.

"You sure?" she whispers.

"I have to be, don't I?" I ask with a smile.

She climbs to her feet and walks over to the door, pulling the leather aside. Sek'su is there, filling the doorway with his massive frame. And just like always my heart speeds up at the sight of him. Happiness surges as chemicals dump into my brain or whatever it is that happens to make me feel so light and so incredibly sure of what I am doing, as long it moves me towards him.

Saylor stares at him for a long, long time. I wait, unsure what is going to happen next. Sek'su, for his part, doesn't seem able to meet her eyes. He stares down at the small bit of floor between them.

"If you hurt her," Saylor says. "I will beat you up."

I can't keep myself from chuckling. She's so tiny compared to him that the idea is incredibly ludicrous but also the sweetest, and perhaps the kindest thing that anyone has ever said or done for me. Sek'su doesn't look up but his shoulders and wings look like they droop even further.

"I would never do so intentionally," he murmurs.

"Good," Saylor says.

She looks over her shoulder at me, smiles, then shakes her head and leaves.