Chapter 6

6

Ben

" I wasn't sure if you'd actually meet me." I huffed as Tim slid into his chair. It had been a very humbling day. "I've not had the warmest of welcomes since coming home." I was still stinging from my exchange with Percy. I wasn't surprised by it – but it still stung. That was not how I'd hoped it would go in my dreams.

"Well, buddy, you did kind of burn the bridges behind you when you left."

"I think I started the fires a hell of a lot earlier than that." The tension in my shoulders was harsh, and I cracked my neck.

"That was a loud pop. But it's true. You could be a total dick back then, but you could also be a very great friend. And that, my friend , is the exact reason that I am here having dinner with you, and I respond to your texts."

"Because I wasn't always a pain in the ass? That's nice to actually know."

"You were you, and those of us who really knew you knew you were going through something that you didn't want to talk about." He chuckled. "Also, we were scared to ask you. You could blow up at the drop of a hat."

"That's… Yeah. I was definitely going through something that I tried to deny or ignore, but it just ate at me, you know? It tore me apart for a while." I bit my bottom lip and nodded to the waiter, who promptly walked over with a swish and a knowing look.

"Hey, fellas , what can I get you to start? Drinks?" He put his hand on his hip and waited.

"I'll have the 405." Tim smiled.

"Sounds great. I'll do the same, please."

"Got it. Two beers are coming up." He whirled like a dancer and did a small kick as he walked over to the waiter's station. He was apparently living some fabulous fantasy.

"Enough about what an asshole I was. Tell me what's been happening with you. The last text we had was about you possibly getting a divorce, and then it was radio silence."

He sighed and nodded slowly. "Yeah, I, too, was being eaten alive from the inside. She just woke up one day and said she was miserable in our life, and the next thing I knew, I was being served with divorce papers. She didn't even fight me for custody of the kids – just gave it to me as if she had no responsibility."

Damn. "That really sucks, man." But it didn't really surprise me about Pam. She had always been one of the most selfish people I knew.

"I know that she was always difficult. Hell, we broke up so many times our senior year that I wasn't sure if we were dating or not half the time. But once she got away from here and we were in college, she mellowed. At least, that's what I thought. Two kids later, and she just decided that this wasn't for her. Not just being a wife but also being a mother. It's hard, man. The kids are young, but they're confused about why their mom just disappears." The look on his face told me how hard this had all been for my old friend. Divorce was never easy, but with two young children, it had to be a nightmare.

"Does she not see them at all?" I asked slowly.

"She does. But it's an hour-long play date in the park or a quick drive-by where she stays for ten minutes and then says she has to go. The weekends she's supposed to have them, I think they stay with her parents most of the time. They're wonderful grandparents, so… I just don't understand, but I'm trying to not be an asshole about it. I want my kids to know her, and I'll just have to cross the bridge of explaining things to them when I have to, I guess. There's not a playbook for life, and man, I really wish there was one." He tapped the table with his fingertips.

"No shit. A life coach isn't the same as someone who will scream at you until you get it perfect. I hear that's what you're doing now." I cocked an eyebrow at him. "Baseball? Really?"

"And track and field." He laughed easily. "I love it, but it's hard when you're a single dad. Mom watches the kids every day and I hate that I have to rely on her so much. She says she doesn't mind. It's what a grandma does, but I hate that she has to." He groaned and glanced to the right. "Awesome."

Our waiter set the frothy mugs down on the table in front of us. "Are you ready to order?"

"Sorry, we haven't even glanced at the menu yet." I winked at him, and he grinned widely.

"No worries, just wave at me when you're ready."

"Thanks."

Tim narrowed his eyes and smirked. "That's enough of me bitching. I mean, that's most of it anyway. I like being a coach." He grinned. "Remember how old Coach Sanders used to scream at us and call us sissies? I don't do that shit. He was a real nightmare. I want my kids to have fun and be their best – whatever that means."

"Of course, you don't do that shit. I haven't thought about him in a long time – old bastard. He was as much my problem as anything back then. No wonder I turned into a fuck nut. I liked playing football, but he made every day a nightmare with the way he would berate us and call us the most homophobic bullshit." I pushed the anger back down that I worked through in therapy. The beginning of all of my problems was the first day of practice, and I knew that the coach was talking about me when he called us names. I know he didn't know, but he still did it.

"I have two gay boys on the baseball team, and one I am pretty sure will come out as Bi before he graduates. It's a new world, my brother, and it's only been ten years." He raised his glass, and I grabbed mine before we clicked them together.

"It's better."

"Sure, as shit is."

"Except for Pam."

"Fuck Pam."

"No, thank you." I scrunched my face up at the thought of it.

"I've always wondered something, Ben. You never had a semi-serious girlfriend in high school. Did you only do that because of Coach?"

"You're catching on fast. I don't know why I never really told you. But, yeah. I came out in college. I started therapy my freshman year because I was just so miserable. Once, after a really good conversation with my student therapist in training, I looked in the mirror at my dorm room, and it all just came flooding in. Everything I had done – the way I had treated people – and I just swallowed it like a black hole. I mean, I knew why I was so… angry and scared – but I was too full of shame to admit it back then. I had to get away from Coach and this place so I could truly come to terms with myself. I really wish I could have been braver. Things would have been really different." It was still hard to talk about with someone from my past. I wasn't ashamed of being gay. It was just something I never felt the need to share with people I barely ever saw. Tim was the only person that I really stayed in contact with, and I should have told him. Just another truth I withheld for my own reasons.

"You might have been happy." He shrugged. "Well, as happy as someone who is in high school, which is… Let me tell you, buddy, happy is what it's all about. I'm glad you finally told me."

"Thanks. I'm sorry.… I should have told you earlier." I knew it was true. He had always stuck by me, no matter what. "Are you happier now that… it's over?"

"I'm in a good place with the divorce. I tried – we couldn't. The only regret I have is for my kids, man. Besides, the Basin is small, but I now have options. Some of the options I never really even thought about before." He smirked. "Can I ask you a question? When did you know that you were gay?" He didn't whisper, but he dropped his voice.

"The summer before ninth grade. I kissed a boy, and we… fooled around, and it… It should have been this great thing, you know? It was this momentous thing as we were… you know… but then everything shifted. Coach called us sissies on that first day of practice. Fuck, he even used the F-word, dude. It… I just buried it and hoped no one would know."

"All that came from a kiss?" He chuckled. "Must have been some kiss?"

"I mean, looking back on everything – no. I was always gay. I just didn't really know how to… I was into sports, and that was all I really thought about – until that kiss." The memory of Percy's lips on mine flooded back into me and filled me with the need it always did whenever I thought about it. He had haunted me ever since, and I had hardened my heart to dispel it.

He leaned in. "I've been in a flirtation-ship with someone recently that… I don't know."

"Oh, someone and not a girl…" I whispered.

"I might be bi? I might not be. But I do find him stimulating and fun to talk to."

"Have you… uh… masturbated and thought about him?" I grinned wickedly. "Cause if so…"

He laughed loudly. "Dude! Who the fuck has time to knock one out. I have two kids under seven years old. They get scared of monsters and crawl into bed with me before I ever get a chance to brush my teeth, much less strangle the one-eyed willie."

"Well, in my experience, if you do and can… then maybe you are? I don't know. It's not really an exact science, bro." I chuckled. "Do I know him?"

"Definitely. You used to treat him like shit."

"I've already admitted that I treated everyone like shit, but you mean… Percy, don't you?" My stomach clenched with jealousy.

"Yeah," he blushed, and I had to stop myself from telling him to leave Percy alone. It was stupid—the thoughts running through my head. I had no right to ever think about him, much less still have feelings for him. All those years of being mean to him because I liked him, sneaking glances in the hallway when I thought no one was looking, touching myself in my bed at night, and thinking about his face and the way his hands had felt on my body.

"Percy deserves to be happy." It was all I could say, and I meant it.

"Well, I am a definite catch these days," he huffed and shook his head. "It's fun, and I like him – I do – but even if I were unknowingly bi after all these years, I'm in no position to be anything to anyone right now. Shit. I don't have time to have a gay crisis, dude. I can barely keep my head above water right now."

"So, you're not going to pursue it?" I breathed out a sigh of relief.

"No… I like things where they are. At this point, I prefer the unknown to remain just that. My life is too much, and I can't handle… that. I think I just like the way he talks to me. I guess I'm pretty sure I'm not bi, but… I mean, things change, right?"

"I saw Percy this afternoon. He was not very happy to see me." I took a very large sip of my beer.

"What did you expect?"

"That was what I…. I was hoping that after ten years, it wouldn't be quite as volatile. I thought Tammy Sue was going to try to knock me out." I huffed and tried to shake off the feeling that this was how it would always be with him. Why would he ever forgive me after everything I had done?

"They've always been close, dude."

"He looked great, though." I smiled. "Happy. I mean, damn, he is like French trained and worked for a Michelin Star restaurant. That's pretty damn impressive."

Tim's eyes widened. "Do you maybe have a little crush, too? Sounds like it."

"I've always had a… Isn't it weird how you can see someone after so long, and your emotions just bubble right back to where they were years ago?"

"Percy? He was your first kiss?" He nodded, knowing he was right. "Makes sense."

I shrugged. "And then I made him pay when all I really wanted to do was to kiss him again."

"That's… shit, man."

"Yep. I don't think that he would ever… I mean, I wouldn't if I were him, I guess. But I've thought about him. I thought about him all through college and really wanted to call him when I came out, but I was too much a coward."

Tim reached over and patted my hand that I had sitting on top of the counter. "He would have hung up on you."

"And I would have deserved that. But I still wanted to. I've always wondered about him, and I tried to find him on social media, but he was like a ghost. I just wanted to see if he was… how he was doing, I guess."

"God, you sound like a love-sick puppy. I'm weirdly jealous. You should talk to him."

"I'm gonna try, but I don't think I can lead with I still have a crush on you thing. I have to start with an apology, and he has to accept it. That's not going to be very easy since I'm… I'm here for work." I took another long sip of beer.

"Ah… The resort?" He looked at me as if seeing me for the first time. I was the devil coming in and trying to destroy the town. "Shit."

"Yeah. I didn't know that he owned the bakery or was even in town. But a lot of the businesses talked about him like he was Norma Rae unionizing all of the stores to fight against the evil oppressor."

"Which is you?" He said very slowly.

"No, I'm not even Darth Vader in this scenario. I would be the apprentice. But if I can get this deal to go through… Well, I might be a real Sith lord."

"Still a sci-fi nerd, huh? You hid a lot of secrets back in high school. Is this why you invited me to have dinner tonight?" He spun his mug around slowly on the table.

"Nope. No shop talk. This was just you and me catching up in person." It felt good to tell him the truth. I had been a truth-sayer all night with my old friend. All of my secrets had tumbled out.

"Good. I'm willing to sell, but I also have to think about all of the people that work for me. I hate owning that damn place, and I never wanted it. But people rely on the jobs I provide."

"No shop talk." I tapped my finger on the table hard.

"I'm still glad you're back – whatever the reason. Seeing you face to face is a hell of a lot better than random texts over the last seven years."

"It's been too long."

"It's cool you're gay. But don't hurt Percy."

"Never again." We raised our glasses and clinked them before downing the last of our beer.

"We're gonna need another," I said to the waiter as he walked by.