Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

Doc

I’m frantically rummaging through the kitchen cabinets, Kash squirming in my other arm as he starts to fuss.

I mutter, scanning the cluttered shelves, “Where the hell did I put that damn formula?”

Kash lets out a plaintive wail.

“Shh, I know, buddy, I know you’re hungry,” I try to soothe him, bouncing him gently. “Just give Daddy a minute.”

The canister of formula I always try to keep stocked here at the clubhouse is nowhere to be found.

I must have used the last of it and forgotten to order more, like an idiot.

Rookie mistake.

I walk over to the old, beat-up mini fridge, shifting Kash to my other arm as I yank open the door.

Fuck, there’s nothing but beer, condiments, and some dubious leftovers that have probably been in here since Halloween.

“Shit,” I curse under my breath.

Kash’s cries are getting louder and more insistent.

The poor little guy must be starving.

I slam the fridge shut with more force than necessary, causing Kash to startle and let out an extra loud shriek.

I grimace and pat his back. “Sorry, sorry. Daddy’s just a dumbass who can’t remember to keep his kid fed.”

I stride quickly out of the kitchen and down the narrow hallway to the main room of the clubhouse.

A couple of the guys are sprawled out on the grungy couches, eating some snacks and shooting the shit.

They glance up as I enter.

“Hey Doc, what’s up with the rugrat?” Shiver asks, throwing another pretzel into his mouth. “Kid sounds like a goddamn banshee.”

Shiver is a quiet one unless he’s talking to the ladies or someone’s pissed him off.

He’s also my roommate and a damn good dude once you get to know him.

“I’m out of fucking formula,” I growl. “Gotta go see if I have any in the trailer.”

“Shit, man,” Shiver says with an uninterested shrug before turning back to his conversation with Cobra.

I push open the clubhouse door with my shoulder, squinting against the late afternoon sun as I head across the dusty lot to my trailer, Kash still wailing away.

For such a little dude, he’s sure got an impressive set of lungs on him.

Inside the trailer, I set him down in his playpen, wincing as his screams reach ear-splitting heights.

I turn in a circle, scanning the small, cluttered space.

Formula, formula, where the hell do I keep the formula?

I yank open cabinets, rifling through the hodgepodge of dishes, baby supplies, and random junk.

I check the fridge, the grimy kitchen counters, and the jam-packed shelves above the stove.

Nothing.

I’m shit out of luck.

“Goddammit,” I snarl, slamming my fist against the flimsy wall and instantly regretting it when the whole trailer shakes.

Kash’s face is beet red now as he howls, fat tears rolling down his chubby cheeks.

It physically pains me to see him so upset.

I’m his dad. I’m supposed to take care of him and make sure he has everything he needs.

Yet here I am, failing spectacularly at the most basic task.

I scoop him up and cradle him against my chest, making shushing noises and rocking him gently. “I’m sorry, Kash. I’m so sorry, buddy. Daddy fucked up, but we’ll figure this out, okay? Shh, don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”

He just keeps on sobbing, tiny hands balled into fists, body shaking.

He’s hungry and mad, and I’m helpless to do anything about it.

I pace back and forth in the small space, mind racing.

I could call Mandy to see if she could run to the store for me, but she’s probably busy.

She works like fucking crazy.

Almost like I have a sign outside of my trailer, Raven pops her head inside, eyebrows raised. “Everything okay in here? I heard Kash wailing from halfway across the lot.”

Relief floods through me.

Raven’s always been good to me and Kash.

If anyone can help, it’s her.

“Hey, yeah, I’m in a bind. Totally out of formula, and this little man’s starving. You wouldn’t happen to have any extra cans stashed away, would you?”

She frowns, thinking. “Sorry, Doc. I haven’t started stocking up on it yet. But hey, I can make a quick run to the store down the street and grab some for you. No biggie.”

I hesitate.

I hate imposing and hate asking for favors.

Especially from Raven, who already does so damn much for the club. “Nah, that’s okay. You don’t have to do that. I’ll figure something out.”

“Shut up,” she says, already yanking her keys out of her pocket. “I want to. You need formula. I’m getting you formula. Simple as that.”

I let out a breath, bouncing Kash lightly.

He’s still fussing, but not as loudly now. “You’re a lifesaver, Raven. Seriously. I owe you.”

“No, you don’t.” She holds out her hand, wiggling her fingers. “Just give me some cash, and we’ll call it even.”

I fish a crumpled fifty out of my cut and slap it into her palm. “Thanks again. I mean it.”

She waves me off. “Yeah, yeah. You’re just lucky I like that adorable little nugget of yours.” She chucks Kash gently under the chin, and he hiccups. “Be back in a few.”

And then she’s gone, the door swinging shut behind her from a gust of wind, resulting in a bang that makes Kash startle and let out another ear-splitting wail.

“Shit, I’m sorry. Shh, shh. It’s okay, buddy. Aunt Raven’s gonna be right back with some yummy formula for you. Just gotta wait a little longer.”

But he’s not having it.

His cries climb in volume and intensity, and his body stiffens in my arms as he screams.

I can feel his hunger, his frustration, his utter inability to understand why I’m not feeding him right now .

I pace the length of the trailer, humming Metallica under my breath, the way I always do when I’m trying to soothe him.

But it’s not working.

Nothing’s fucking working.

He just keeps on howling, face purpling, tears and snot smearing across my neck where his head is nestled.

Fuck, this is bad. Really bad.

My kid is starving and miserable, and it’s all my goddamn fault.

Some father I am, I can’t even remember to stock up on fucking formula.

I should’ve known better.

I should’ve double-checked our supplies days ago.

Stupid, stupid mistake.

My stomach twists with guilt and self-loathing. I’m a pathetic excuse for a dad.

No wonder my own father was never around. Probably couldn’t stand the sight of his useless fuckup son.

I cut off that train of thought before it can spiral any further.

I can’t afford to wallow right now.

Kash needs me to keep my shit together.

I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly, trying to project a calm I definitely don’t feel. “Just a little longer, Kash,” I murmur, my voice cracking. “Raven will be back any second now. You can hold on ‘til then. I know you can, tough guy. Shh, don’t cry. Please don’t cry . . .”

Just then, there’s a light knock on the door.

My head whips around, hope surging in my chest, but it’s not Raven who comes striding through.

It’s Mandy.

The instant Mandy spots me with a red-faced, wailing Kash, her smile drops, and she hurries over, concern etched on her pretty features. “Doc? What’s going on?”

I grimace, hating that she has to see me failing like this. “Ran out of formula like a fucking idiot. Raven’s out getting more, but Kash here isn’t thrilled about the delay.”

Understanding dawns in Mandy’s warm hazel eyes.

She reaches out to stroke a soothing hand over Kash’s downy hair. “Aw, poor little man. It’s okay, everything will be a-okay real soon,” she coos. Then she meets my gaze and asks softly, “May I?”

Gratitude crashes through me, and I immediately shift Kash into her waiting arms.

She cuddles him close, making sympathetic noises as she rocks him gently. “There now, sweet boy. I know, I know you’re so hungry and tired. But your daddy is taking such good care of you. Yes, he is. Just gotta be patient a tiny bit longer.”

As if he can understand her words, Kash’s screams start to quiet, dwindling into little hiccupping sobs and snuffles against Mandy’s shoulder. I stare in amazement, some of the tension easing from my body.

I am in complete awe of Mandy’s innate skill.

She’s a natural, no doubt about it.

Kash usually doesn’t calm this quickly for anyone besides me.

Yet here he is, slowly relaxing in Mandy’s confident hold, soothed by her honeyed voice and tender touch.

Something warm and wonderful unfurls inside my chest as I watch them together.

An overwhelming surge of longing and . . . something else.

Something raw and fierce and undeniable.

I swallow hard against the sudden lump in my throat.

Christ, get ahold of yourself.

She’s just being a good friend, doing you a solid.

That’s all this is.

But deep down, I know that’s a lie.

Fuck, seeing Mandy cradle my son so sweetly, so lovingly, stirs up desires I’ve never let myself acknowledge before.

Dangerous desires that could ruin the easy, comfortable friendship we’ve built.

I try to shove those inappropriate feelings back into their box, lock them up tight.

I can’t go there.

I won’t.

Our relationship is strictly platonic, and that’s how it has to stay.

No matter how badly I might crave more.

Mandy glances up then, her hazel eyes shining with affection as they meet mine. “He’s such a little angel,” she murmurs, tracing a finger delicately over his round cheek. “You’re doing an amazing job with him, Doc.”

My throat constricts at the honest praise in her voice, the open admiration on her lovely face.

Feels like I’m being sucker-punched right in the solar plexus. “I’m tryin’ my best,” I rasp out, hoping she doesn’t notice how wrecked I sound. “It ain’t always easy flying solo.”

“I can only imagine.” Sympathy softens her expression as she gently rocks Kash. “I don’t know how you juggle it all—being a kickass man, a single dad, plus being in the MC.” She jerks her chin toward the clubhouse.

A rough chuckle escapes me. “Takes a hell of a lot of caffeine and even more patience. But I’m learning as I go.” I hesitate, then decide what the hell and add, “Having you around to help has been a real lifesaver, not gonna lie.”

Her lush lips curve into a brilliant smile that makes my heart thud heavily against my ribs. “I’m always happy to lend a hand. You know that.” She shifts Kash to her other arm, and he nestles into her soft curves without so much as a peep.

Lucky little bastard.

What I wouldn’t give to bury my face between those perfect tits and just?—

Mandy’s gentle voice cuts into my wildly inappropriate train of thought, “So, you got any big plans tonight? Hot date or whatever?”

There’s a teasing lilt to her words, but I could swear I detected an underlying note of . . . jealousy.

Nah, must be imagining it. Wishful thinking.

“Not exactly.” I drag a hand through my hair and blow out a harsh breath. “Gotta head out to Cali in a bit, check on my mom.”

Her playful expression morphs into one of concern. “Is she okay? Did something happen?”

I mutter bitterly. “Same shit, different day.”

The familiar mix of anger, guilt, and sorrow rises like bile in the back of my throat whenever I think about the fucked up situation with Ma.

Mandy’s brow furrows. “What do you mean?”

I sigh heavily.

I don’t talk about this with many people, but Mandy . . . I know I can trust her.

She’s good people.

I find myself explaining, “Back when I was sixteen, Ma got into a nasty wreck. Traumatic brain injury. Screwed with her memory somethin’ fierce.” I swallow thickly. “Most days, she’s still stuck thinkin’ I’m just a punk teenager. Don’t even realize she’s got a grandbaby now.”

“Oh Doc . . .” Mandy’s eyes swim with empathy. “I’m so sorry. That must be incredibly hard.”

I give a jerky nod, my throat too tight for words.

Her compassion threatens to undo me.

“Is there anything I can do?” she asks softly. “Anything at all. I’m here for you.”

And that . . . that earnest promise of support . . .

It fractures something deep inside my chest.

Because God, what I wouldn’t give to pull her into my arms and just hold on tight.

To accept the comfort she’s freely offering.

But I can’t put that on her.

It wouldn’t be fair.

She didn’t sign up for my broke-ass baggage.

So I simply force my lips into a weak attempt at a smile. “Nah, I’m good, darlin’. But thanks.” I reach out to chuck Kash gently under his chin. “You just keep doing what you’re doing with this little man. That’s more than enough.”

Our gazes catch and hold, the air between us thickening with unspoken emotions.

Maybe I’m a fool, but I could swear there are sparks flying hot and bright behind those captivating eyes.

I clear my throat gruffly, breaking the charged moment before I do something monumentally stupid.

Like hauling her in for a kiss that will make her melt onto the floor in need.

“Anyway, I best hit the road. These old bones ain’t getting any younger, and the traffic at this hour can be a real mother.”

I pause for a moment before instinct takes over me.

I wrap my arms around Mandy and press a chaste kiss on her forehead. “See ya later, babe.”

It happens so fast I don’t know how to react.

I snag my keys and reluctantly turn to go, even though every cell in my body is screaming at me to stay.

To finally take a chance and tell this amazing woman how I feel about her.

Hell, I already fucked up with that damn forehead kiss.

But I just . . . can’t.

The timing ain’t right.

Not sure it ever will be.

So, with a heavy heart, I shoot Mandy one last tortured glance over my shoulder. “I’ll see ya when I get back?” It comes out sounding more vulnerable than I intend.

She smiles at me softly, bouncing Kash in her arms. “Of course, Doc. I’ll be here. We’ll be here.” A promise and a reassurance all in one.

I give a tight nod, those three little words doing funny things to my bruised and battered heart.

Then I rush out of the trailer before I can do something else I’ll regret.

Because God help me, this woman makes me yearn for her every damn day . . . and I’m pretty damn sure it’s gonna be the death of me.

I gun the engine and peel off into the night, my heart racing faster than my bike.

All I can think about is Mandy and how badly I want things to change with her.

If they do . . . nothing will be the same.

Because once I cross that line with Mandy, there’s no going back.

As I tear through the evening, the wind whipping past me, I can’t shake the truth.

I’m done for. I’m in deep, and it’s not because of the club bullshit with Seraphina’s mother trying to take us down.

It’s a five-foot-nothing blonde turning into brunette, with a mouth as sharp as her curves are soft.

She’s got me twisted up in more ways than one, and I’m powerless to resist.

I need to get her off my mind and deal with the shit at Ma’s long-term care facility.

I can worry about Mandy later.

I tear down the on-ramp to I-15.

Nothing but open road as far as the eye can see.

Perfect.

Just what I need to clear my head.

I settle in for the long haul, zipping past semis and minivans, doing eighty in a 65.

The sun beats down on my back, but the wind whipping past provides some relief from the Vegas heat.

My mind drifts to Ma as the miles tick by.

I can picture her now, sitting by the window in that sterile hellhole they call a “care facility”.

Staring blankly at the gardens and probably silently cursing my name for sticking her there in the first place, if she even remembers me today.

Fuck.

I scrub a hand down my face, guilt eating at my guts like battery acid.

Every time I saw her, it was like pouring salt into a wound that refused to heal.

The blank look in her eyes when she called me “Darren”.

The way she’d ask why I looked so different.

Hell, the way she accused me of being a liar, that I wasn’t really her son.

Christ. It gutted me every single time.

Before long, an hour has gone by and I’m at the long-term care facility.

I park my bike in the parking lot of her facility, the same one she’s been at for the last few years.

Each time I visit, things seem to get shittier and shittier.

The paint peels off the walls, the grass browns more and more, and the overall depressing atmosphere weighs me down.

I walk in, greeted by the same sour-faced receptionist who never cracks a smile.

“Hey there, Doc,” she says with a bored drawl. “You here to see your mother?”

Nodding, I confirm her thoughts. “Yeah, but first, I wanna talk to the admin. She called and left me a message.”

The receptionist’s eyebrows raise a fraction of an inch. “Well, aren’t we feisty today? Okay, go on back, third door on your right.”

I stride down the sterile hallways, the smell of disinfectant and old age hitting me in waves.

I knock once on the admin’s door before entering without waiting for a response.

“Darren, I’m glad you showed. I’m afraid your mother isn’t doing well.” Janice sighs, handing me a file-stamped with my mother’s name as I approach her desk. “Her condition’s deteriorating, and we’ve done all we can for her here.”

Rage boils in my gut. “Well, that’s just fucking great. Thanks for keeping me in the loop.”

“We’ve called you multiple times, but?—”

“I know, I know. I’ve been . . . busy.”

Busy proving myself to the MC, running from my past, and running from my goddamn life.

“Look, is there anything you can do? Anything at all?” I spit out, hating the desperation in my voice.

Janice hesitates. “Well, there is one thing . . .”

“What’s that?” I ask, not liking where this is going, but I’m desperate enough to hear her out.

“This facility is ill-equipped to handle her needs anymore. She . . . she needs more specialized care. Care that we simply can’t provide her with here.” Janice takes a deep breath before continuing, “However, there is . . . an experimental treatment, a trial, being held at a private facility for patients in a similar state as your mother’s. It’s risky, but it’s her only shot.”

Yeah, okay, right.

I can’t hold back my scoff because this sounds like a fucking scam to me. “And what’s the catch?”

Nothing in life is ever free, especially not miracles.

“The catch,” Janice says, her gaze dropping to the floor, “is that it is a trial, so while this is regulated, it could put her overall health at risk. Regardless, if you don’t want her in the trial . . . I do believe it would be in your best interests to transfer her to another facility. You’ve barely come to see her, and it’s obvious to me and her team that when you have been around, her health spikes up for a bit.”

The room seems to spin around me.

The last thing I want is for my mother, my last remaining family, to be reduced to a lab rat in some sick experiment.

But, there’s something else I can do here . . . I can get her moved to another facility, and I will.

If it helps Ma, I’ll make sure it fucking happens.

Inhaling deeply, I look right into Janice’s eyes. “Can you give me a list of recommended facilities within half an hour of Las Vegas, Nevada?”