20. Lay All Your Love on Us

Lay All Your Love on Us

Nicole

I swipe a dusting cloth down the trophy and position it so it’s at an exact ninety-degree angle in its place of prominence near the front door. Anyone who comes through the studio doors will see it. It may be obnoxious, but it’s not nearly as bad as the banner out on the street that touts us as an award-winning dance studio.

Award-winning. Dex has been mumbling that word for days while he paces and shakes his head. He’s been busy with contractors, two banks, and getting an assistant lined up to start handling a new location’s bookings. I certainly can’t handle them after all the work I’ve been doing.

Just like Dex predicted, the studio’s business has exploded. The prize money was enough to put a small down payment on a studio in Lincoln Park that Dex will run, but the current studio is bursting at the seams. My ear hurts from using the phone so much. It rings off the hook with new clients and current clients wanting to upgrade their packages. When the studio isn’t jam-packed, I do my best to catch up on bookkeeping and cleaning.

I want to leave him in good shape because it will be hard enough to replace me. I don’t want to add undo stress on the man I love, but I can’t stay here anymore.

He doesn’t know yet. We went home from the contest and made love. All of us. I didn’t even care when Dex took Felix from behind as Felix took me face-to-face. That was new, too. The first time we all did it, Felix took me from behind. This time, I looked him in the eyes and watched every emotion cross his face.

It scared me.

How can I fall for him when he’s been so terrible to me? The more I think about it, my usually clueless roommate was right. I’ve been looking at Felix through Dex’s eyes because I love Dex. Dex loves Felix. I’m not thinking about Felix with my own mind. I’m seeing what Dex sees, even though it’s not returned from Felix.

It all makes my head hurt.

I can’t be the third wheel. As much as I want to stay and fight for Dex, I won’t fight Felix for him. They’re in love, and Felix was here first. Whatever I choose, Dex ends up hurting. It’s better to make a clean break now. Maybe the new studio and the success he’s having will soothe any heartbreak I serve him.

I haven’t seen Felix much since Dex has been sticking to our unspoken one-date-per-night rule since the time we celebrated the contest win. Felix has also been so busy with teaching and working with a decorator on the new studio that I haven’t seen him except in passing. From our history together, I doubt he’ll miss me.

Walking to the coffee pot, I open the container and am about to pick it up to fill with more water, when the door swings open.

Felix walks in and smiles a little when he sees the trophy by the door. “Placing it front and center?” he asks, his voice friendlier than I’m used to.

“He deserves bragging rights,” I say.

“We all deserve it.”

I give him a weak smile and walk to my desk, and he follows me, probably going to the storage room. He stops suddenly as he eyes the cardboard box on my desk that contains my fern, my most recent knitting project, and the framed picture of my grandmother I’d brought from home.

He scowls at the box and idly picks up my half-knitted scarf. “Going somewhere?”

I pinch my nose and blow out a sigh so hard that my bangs move. “I was going to tell you. I thought I’d get my stuff packed just in case everyone wanted me to leave immediately. ”

Felix turns to me, and I back up until my shoulders hit the wall. Even when he would drop me on my ass or sneer and snarl with jealousy, I’ve never seen his face so full of rage. His nostrils flare, and his face reddens. He grits his teeth so hard I worry they’ll crack. “Running away? Are you running out on him?”

Hell no. He doesn’t get to accuse me of running when he’s done everything in his power to make sure I was out of the picture. I swear that I can feel rage ooze from my pores, and I flex my fingers because I didn’t realize that my hands were balled into fists.

“No,” I growl, and now it’s Felix’s turn to take a step back. He’s never seen me angry. “I’m not running away. You’ve made it clear that I’m to go away quietly, and I’m hoping Dex is so busy that it won’t hurt him as much. You don’t get to judge me for it.”

“You don’t think he’ll hurt?”

My heart clenches at the idea of leaving Dex. I love him. With all my heart. I’ve never loved anyone that way. But if someone needs to back out of this unusual trio, it has to be me. “He has you.”

“He wants you, too.”

“That’s neat. You don’t.”

Felix’s shoulders slump, and he looks at the paper blotter on my desk and toys with my pen cup like he needs something to do with his hands. I let him seethe in silence and wrap his head around my news .

Eventually, he puts his hands on his hips. “Don’t go. Don’t do this.”

Laughter bubbles from my chest, and I cover my mouth with my hand. There’s nothing funny about leaving Dex, but Felix telling me not to leave after he’s done nothing but encourage me to leave is laughable. “You aren’t the boss of me, Felix. Besides, I’m doing this for you.”

“Me?” he asked, confused.

“Don’t play dumb, Felix. You’ve hated me since the first time you set eyes on me.”

“Don’t do this to us!” he yells, jabbing his finger in his chest.

It’s my turn to look confused. My face burns with anger. “Us? You don’t even like me. You’ve made it very damn clear, Felix! Congratulations! You’re getting exactly what you wanted for the last few months. Me gone.”

“You’re right! I didn’t fucking like you. I thought you were a Mary Sue who never does anything wrong. You’ve never broken a rule, have you?” He doesn’t notice when I shake my head. “You’re oil. I’m water. You’re cold. I’m hot. I didn’t like you because we’re so opposite, and you would have never been my first choice for us if I had met you on the street.”

“Thank you for finally being honest about how much you hate me!”

“I’m finally starting to love you, God damn it!”

The room spins, and I shake my head, blinking like I’ve been slapped. “Wh-what the hell? You just said you didn’t like me! ”

We’re both red-faced from yelling. Heat lingers in my cheeks. Part of me worries if the police will be called if the neighbors in the building report it. Dex doesn’t need that type of marketing.

Felix must also realize it because he drops his voice and takes deep breaths through his nose. He turns in a circle and runs his hands through his hair in frustration.

“I didn’t like you at first, Nicole. But I can love you now. I have been through the wringer of emotions on it, believe me.” He pauses, lets out a long exhale, and then smiles at me with actual kindness.

“I still don’t understand.”

“Apparently, you can still love someone and not have a thing in common with them.” He sits on the desk and looks at his feet. “I would never have chosen you. You’re the kind of woman I’d see at the club and not glance twice at. I prefer miniskirts and eyeshadow, not peasant tops and lip balm.” He runs his hand through his hair and all the way down his face before gripping his shirt with clenched fists. “The new haircut is gorgeous, by the way. It suits you. I didn’t want to tell you because I’m a prideful shit you don’t deserve.”

I want to look away from him, but I can’t. His face droops like a sad child’s expression before a breakdown.

“I thought Dex was crazy for falling for you. I saw a country mouse that the man I loved also loved. I was confused. Hurt. But one thing Dex has always been good at is knowing what I need. Not necessarily what I want. I didn’t want you, Nicole. Well, not at first. But I need you. I’ve learned that over the last three months of working with you, especially when we trained for the contest. We’ve worked together for hours a day both at the studio and winning that stupid fucking trophy. Somewhere along the line, my heart changed, and I fought and fought to not feel that way because I have too much pride. Does it make you feel good to hear it?”

“You’re starting to love me?” I ask in a whisper. “How? When?”

He wipes his face and sighs. “I don’t know if I ever would have changed my mind about this crazy arrangement if Dex hadn’t hurt his knee. It was that damn dance training when I started to see you differently. I dropped you on your ass in the trust fall. I felt horrible about it, Nicole. Like something woke up inside of me, yawned, and stretched. Then, you had the nerve to ask to practice the trust fall again like you weren’t the least bit fucked if I dropped you on your ass again. That was the first time I thought that I may have underestimated you.”

“You wouldn’t be the first to do that.”

He holds up an index finger like he’s making an important point. “Dex never has. He’s always thought the sun shined out of your ass. I was jealous of you. I was jealous of the possibility of your relationship with Dex. Dex and I have talked about bringing a woman into our relationship for years. I know that’s what he wants. I know that I want him to have what he wants. Hell, it’s what I want. You rocking that contest a couple weeks ago – that was amazing, and I’ll never forget that you did this for Dex and me. Never. I will always love you for it because it was the ultimate act of love for the man we both adore. I love the way you love him, and you don’t care one bit that I also love him.”

Felix stops and frowns. “Why has it never bothered you, by the way? Most women would care.” He furrows his brow like he’s confused as he waits for my answer.

“You know him, Felix,” I say. “He makes anyone he loves feel like he’d burn down the world for them. I’ve never had one person, not even my own cold-fish family, ever make me feel like I’m the most important person to them. Even when he was out with you, and I knew you’d go home and have sex, I didn’t care because I know he loves me and would have had me with you in bed if you’d allow it. Well…if you wanted me there. I know you’d let Dex do whatever he wants.”

He blinks a couple of times and runs his hand down his cheek again. “He loves you, and he loves me. You’re infuriating and kind of ridiculous with your bullshit innocence, and I’ve tried to hate you, but I can’t. I can’t hate you anymore, Nicole. You’re kind, smart, and you bit your lip and gave it hell to win that competition. You never give up, and I respect the fuck out of you for it now. You didn’t do it for me. You did it for Dex, and it humbled me to see that.

“I see how he loves you. How you love him,” he says, taking a step toward me. “But I hope you can see how he loves me and I love him. We have one hell of a triangle here, but it’s love. It’s a love triangle, but not the typical kind. I don’t want it to be fighting and pushing. I don’t want to compete with you. I want to try to love you like he does. I know Dex has always wanted to be in one big fucking circle of love, and I think I finally get it. It’s not meant to be a competition, and I’ve been making it one.” His lips move into a smattering of a smile. “If I make another shape reference, you’re free to slap me.”

He presses his hand to his chest over his heart and clears his throat like he’s getting choked up. “Stay. Please.”

“For Dex?”

“And me. I want to try.”

“Felix Rathbone, have I grown on you?”

He smiles and waves his hand over his shoulder. “Like some unidentified lump on my back,” he chuckles. “I think, with time, we can find something we have in common or even work toward it. What I have with Dex is easy. What you have with Dex is easy. But you and I will need to work at it, probably a little bit every day, and I’m OK with that. In fact, it may make all of us stronger.”

We both take deep breaths, and tears sting my eyelids. I don’t want to leave Dex, and Felix is asking me to stay. Do I give it a go? Is this like a huge trust fall but with my heart as the thing he gets to drop?

Either way, I should try for Dex’s sake. If Felix and I can work this out, I have no doubt that I’d have two men who can make me feel special. Safe. I will never be alone. Never ignored.

I also can’t go home. Where did I think I was going? Tima’s chomping at the bit to move in with Miriam so they can party more, and I won’t have a job. I’ll have to move back home downstate, and I certainly don’t fit there. I left them a quiet, shy girl with no idea who I was or what I wanted. I moved to a big city, only knowing what I’d been told by everyone in a small town my whole life.

Could I really show up there as a woman who’s made love to two men, worked at a dance studio, and won first place in a Chicago dance contest? A woman who perseveres when she wants something and talks back when someone disrespects her?

They wouldn’t recognize me, and it has nothing to do with my stylish new haircut or the big hoop earrings now in my ears.

I smile a shaky grin at Felix. My chin quivers, and he takes two steps toward me. “We can find something we like to do,” I say. “I want to put in the work. For Dex’s sake. You can have stuff you do with Dex, and maybe you and I can have a hobby we can bond over.”

He’s in front of me and tilting my chin up further to him. His chest heaves, but his eyes are kind. “Just out of curiosity, what god-awful hobby do you think we’ll find that we both like?”

“Do you like macrame?”

“Shut your filthy fucking mouth,” he chuckles, stepping closer.

“Puzzles every Friday night?” I ask, raising my eyebrows.

“I’d rather die.”

I open my mouth to suggest ukelele lessons when his mouth is on mine, silencing me. I wrap my arms around his neck and lean into his kiss. It’s then that I realize I’ve never kissed him. He kissed me on the nose during the competition. We’ve had sex with Dex twice, but I only kissed Dex then, even when I was face-to-face with Felix a couple weeks ago. His lips are so different from Dex’s. Harder. Felix is a man who knows what he wants from whomever he’s kissing, and he explores and takes what he likes.

Our mouths mesh together, and I lovingly cup his face, stroking his skin with the pads of my fingers. He winces into my mouth a little, and I wonder if I’m a new sensation for him – a feminine touch showing him love. Dex is all hard, whereas I’m soft. Dex may be loving with him, but I’m just…different.

When we break apart, he pushes his nose to mine and closes his eyes. He makes a humming sound, and my hands go to his back, lifting his shirt a bit and feeling the warmth of his skin. It’s comforting. I know his body well, but I want to adore it. Snuggle against him. Something tells me he’d allow it this time.

“Want to go tell Dex we aren’t going to kill each other?” I ask.