ACE

I knew we were on the right track. Almost ready to put all this behind us and move forward. With one exception.

“H, one more thing…” I brushed her hair behind her ear and searched her sad eyes. “We gotta talk about that panic attack.”

Harley immediately pulled away and turned her back to me. “I didn’t have a panic attack.”

Her words came far too quickly as her voice went unnaturally high. She was clearly very nervous. “I…I was upset, not feeling well and to be honest, Ace…” She spun around. “I really don’t do well when people yell and threaten me.”

“Woah, who threatened you?” I exclaimed.

Her voice was so quiet, I had to lean in to hear them. “You did.”

It was like being stabbed in the heart. What the hell was she talking about? “What the fuck H! I’ve never threatened you!”

Harley’s eyes lowered. “Yes, you did.” She answered quietly. “And it scared me… like, terrified me.”

She was teetering on the edge of it now… and it was definitely something big. Her hands began to fidget and tremor. At first it was subtle, but the same tics that had appeared in the cab were now quickly growing into another full-blown storm. Two fingers shot up to double tap her forehead every few seconds. The index finger of her left hand continually wrapped up in a constant hair twirl. Harley’s eyes twitched, rolled and darted back and forth. She must have cleared her throat ten times, trying to quell the incessant tics. I needed a plan. Clearly, the way I’d reacted so far was not working well at all. Please let me reach her. I begged silently.

Reaching to hold her hands in mine, I kept my voice low and whispered to her gently, “Breathe with me, baby.”

I lead her in a few deep breaths, in and out, counting ten seconds on every inhale and exhale. It seemed to calm her a little. “You better?”

Harley nodded. “I am, thanks.”

“Did I ever tell you about my mom?” I asked her, throwing in a quick pivot for distraction. “Many years before I was born… my mom was a teenage runaway.”

Harley’s eyes got wide. “Really?” She gasped, suddenly completely focused in on my story.

“Yeah, she it really rough at home. Eventually, she decided to leave and well… you know it goes, pretty soon she was desperate. But she was young though and very beautiful, so she did what she needed to. My mom always said that stripping saved her. She was able to get an apartment, support herself, and even took classes at a local college. Eventually, she got a job as a receptionist and things continued to get better from there. And, with a lot of saving and being careful, she could support herself and eventually me.”

“Wow… I didn’t know that,” Harley said softly. She was calmer now, and the tics had subsided, thank goodness. Maybe my story had helped.

“If you understand this life so well, then why were you so insistent that I take off work?” Harley asked.

I nodded. “Good question.”

This was the first conversation that actually felt real. For once, we weren’t raising our voices and freaking out on one another. I held her hands in mine and kept focused on her eyes.

“Because I also know the dark side, baby… my mom was always very honest with me. A lot of times, girls get into dangerous situations doing this type of work. I’m currently staying far away and unable to get to you quickly if you needed me. I never wanted to upset you, just protect you.”

My chest was growing tighter and tighter. I knew what I needed to say next. Exhaling quickly, I pushed away all my doubts and just went for it. “Harley, my feelings for you are growing by the minute, but what happened to you the cab… that wasn’t normal. I watched you become unresponsive and almost catatonic before you passed out. It really freaked me out.”

Harley just stared down at our intertwined hands and remained silent.

“Baby, I was really scared. The rocking, the tics and the passing out? You were reacting to something very intense and… I think, that although I was being an asshole, I don’t think that reaction was really about me.”

She was chewing on her lips now, still not quite able to meet my eyes, but she did nod slowly. “This is hard for me. It might take some time.”

My hand reached out to tilt her chin up, forcing her to meet my eyes. “Baby, I have nowhere else I’d rather be.” I whispered before kissing her soft lips, ever so gently.

Harley took a deep breath and slowly let her story unravel. “Sometimes, I have bad dreams. Or like nightmares, I guess…?”

Her words sounded like a question, but I remained silent, just giving a brief nod to encourage her on.

“In the car before, it was kinda like one of those dreams… except I wasn’t sleeping.”

She peered up at me, trying to see if I was following before continuing on. “Confrontation scares me, Ace. I can’t deal with it. Why do you think I asked Tony to help me tell Ron?” she pressed.

“Okay…” I nodded tentatively. “But I still don’t fully understand, H.”

Harley pulled away from me and slipped out of the bed. Drifting over to the small sofa chair next to the window, she picked up the pile of laundry that was on it and dumped it on the floor. Then she fell into the chair and put her feet up on the windowsill. She sat in silence, just staring outside for a few minutes, and I let her.

Finally, taking a deep breath, she tried again. “It was something you said. Your words… it was like a threat.” Harley’s voice cracked with emotion. “…it changed everything for me and I just…I just lost it.”

My girl was crying hard now. An unending river of tears flowed down her cheeks. Red rimmed her beautiful baby blues; the tics returned, and her whole body shook.

“Come here, sweetheart.” I said, already by her side. Pulling her off the chair and gathering her up into my arms, I encouraged her to continue. “Tell me more. Tell me everything.” I repeated, kissing her tears away as I walked us both back to the bed and snuggled her into the crook of my arm.

She pulled the blankets back up to her neck and tried again. “It was when… when you asked, if I knew what would happen, if… if I didn’t listen to you.” Between her sobs, I noticed how her eyes were huge and constantly darting around the room, as if she was thinking someone was going to jump out of the walls.

I kissed her forehead and whispered in her ear. “Let it go baby… give it to me. You don’t have to carry this alone anymore.”

Suddenly, it was like the dam had broken. Harley’s words tumbled from her lips as quickly as her tears fell. “My grandfather. He lived with us, growing up. It was my mom’s father. He used to say those exact words to me when I would refuse him.”

I thought I’d been prepared for anything. I was wrong. My heart stopped at her words.

“Refuse him?” I asked. My heart was pounding out of my chest now. I knew she needed to share, but I hadn’t realized that it could even go in this direction. There was no stopping it now, though. I prayed that I’d be able to support her in all the ways she needed.

Once she started, she couldn’t stop. It was coming faster and faster now. “He liked little girls and had access to one in his own home whenever he wanted.” Her voice went cold, her face emotionless and her eyes blank and unfocused, completely lost in the void. “Refusing him always made things worse for me.”

It was like witnessing a hostage situation. I didn’t want to do or say the wrong thing, nothing that would make her freak out, but I also had to help. “Baby…” I whispered softly, trying to control the emotions inside me. “I’m so sorry that you had to endure that. When did it end?” It was the only question I needed to know about. Of course, a million swarmed my mind, but the only one that mattered was when did it end, how and what happened next.

She didn’t answer my question right away. “I’ve never told anyone. Not even Aria knows.”

That shocked me. “Seriously? How does she not know? She’s your best friend H…”

Harley just shrugged. “I guess I just prefer to forget it all that ever happened.”

My heart broke for her. Obviously, her scars were still very much on the surface. “Of course.” I agreed. “But also… not talking about it keeps all that pain and darkness inside of you. Makes it very hard to heal.”

Harley pulled away a little. “Healing is not an option for me. I will always be broken. And if you really want what happened in the end… well, that will probably change a lot between us. Maybe even break us completely.” She trailed off.

Shit. This was a lot to unpack. Millions of thoughts raced through my head, but one stood out as clear as day. “Nothing can change how I feel about you, Harley. Especially not something that you had no control over and was never your fault.”

She nodded quietly. “It ended when I was fourteen.”

It was my turn to nod and wait.

She pursed her lips and stared at me stoically. “It ended when I pushed him down the stairs.”