Chapter 21

CHAPTER 21

The last thing I thought I would want to do on Monday is step foot in Xingfa, but I’m actually looking forward to it. Okay, well, I’m mostly dreading it, but potayto potahto. I’m dreading seeing Jonas and his cronies, but at the same time, I remind myself that I’m not going in alone. I have Eleanor Roosevelt and Sarah Jessica, who are formidable forces. I filled Peishan, Triss, and Zoelle in on everything, and they are totally on board. We’re going to be okay. Maybe.

Outside my classroom, I deposit my phone as usual in the phone basket and keep my eyes on the floor as I step inside, ignoring the loud whispers and glances and stares thrown my way. Elon says in a stage whisper, “Heeere comes Crazy Kiki!”

With superhuman effort, I ignore him, resolutely keeping my eyes on my feet until I get to my desk. A couple of minutes later, the seat next to me scrapes back on the floor and I look up to see Liam. For a split second, our eyes meet, then he looks away, busying himself by taking his books and pencil case out of his bag and arranging them on his table. My heart twists painfully. I want more than anything to grab him and make him listen to me as I explain everything, but I know now’s not the time for that. Later, I tell myself.

“Hey, Kiki!” Jonas calls out as he strides in with all the confidence in the world. “Can we talk?”

My mouth turns dry. I prepared for this moment all yesterday, but reality hits a lot differently, especially with everyone in the classroom watching us. Liam glances over, his jaw tightening, but then he looks back down at his desk. I ignore the sharp pain jabbing at my stomach and look Jonas dead in the eye. When I speak, my voice comes out loud and as clear as water. “I have nothing to say to you, Jonas.”

There are a few gasps, and Jonas’s chest swells. He’s probably about to tell me I’m crazy, but just then, our Form teacher, Mr. Tan, walks into the classroom. Everyone rushes back to their seats, and Jonas calls out for the class to stand and greet Mr. Tan.

“All right, kids,” Mr. Tan says when we’re all settled. “Is everyone ready to present their game to the rest of the class?”

Most of us nod and murmur, “Yes.” Heat rushes from my stomach down my arms. I can practically feel every pore on my skin opening up. This is it. I raise my hand. Mr. Tan’s eyebrows knit together.

“Yes, Kiki?”

“My group would like to go first, Teacher.” Already, I’m standing up and walking to the front of the classroom, not giving Mr. Tan a chance to say no. Behind me, I hear Jonas go, “Wait, what?” but Peishan says, “Don’t make a scene, Jonas.” I can almost feel Liam’s eyes boring into my back like laser beams. He must be wondering what the hell I’m up to, but thankfully, he doesn’t protest.

“Ah—” Mr. Tan sputters, clearly flustered.

I raise my iPad and start my presentation. The large screen behind me blinks to life and shows the first slide of my slideshow. Mr. Tan is obviously astonished. “How did you—”

“I didn’t want to waste any of your time, Teacher, so I took the liberty of hooking up my iPad to the projector before class started.” Actually, Sarah Jessica was the one who connected my iPad to the system, but he doesn’t need to know that. “Thank you for assigning us this project, by the way. You’re a great teacher.” I say all this firmly, with confidence I do not have. I read somewhere that if you say things in a polite but firm manner, people are more likely to let you have your way. And I don’t know how true that piece of advice is, but it’s working on Mr. Tan. He straightens his tie and, after a second, nods at me to go ahead.

I turn to the class and my smile wobbles, because holy shit, standing at the front of the classroom with everyone’s eyes riveted on me is terrifying. Deep breaths, I remind myself. I can do this.

“Um, hey, everyone. A few of my friends and I prepared something that I’m going to share with you. Ah, to start with, a few of you may know that I play an online first-person shooting game. What does this have to do with anything? Well.” I take a deep breath and go to the next slide, which shows almost a dozen screenshots of private messages.

“These are screenshots of messages I received while playing as a girl online.” I go through each photo. “Rape threat. Death threat. Rape threat, rape threat, this one’s more of a vaguely weird sex joke, more death threats…” I force myself to look at my classmates, taking in their shocked expressions. When I spot Liam’s face, it makes me falter, my words catching in my throat. He looks—I don’t even have the words to describe his expression. He looks like he could tear apart an entire world with just his hands. Is he mad at me? Well, that’s pretty obvious. The real question is, what is he specifically mad about? Me lying to him about being Dudebro, or me hijacking our group presentation?

It doesn’t matter, I tell myself. I need to do this. I owe it not just to myself but to all the girls who have helped me get here. I force my attention back to the presentation. “This isn’t unique. Female gamers are harassed on a daily basis, and reporting it doesn’t do any good. I was punished for reporting my online harassment. In the end, the only way I could think of to avoid being harassed online was to pretend to be a guy. So I created a fake profile with the most male-sounding name I could think of, and surprise, surprise, suddenly, no one had a problem with my gameplay. People treated me with respect, just because they thought I was a guy.” My eyes meet Liam’s as I say this, and I pour all my emotions into my next words. “I didn’t mean to deceive anyone. I just wanted to play without getting rape threats.”

Liam swallows, his jaw moving as he clenches and unclenches his teeth. What’s going through his mind? His eyes close for a moment. My guts sour. I want to throw up. I want to run out of here.

But then Liam opens his eyes, and what’s inside them isn’t anger, it’s pain. He gazes at me with an expression of such acute sorrow that tears rush into my eyes. Then he nods at me and mouths, “I’m sorry.”

It’s as though a balloon has just been inflated inside me. I could float away right now, I really could. I nod back at him and bite back the huge grin that’s threatening to take over my face. I’m not done with the presentation yet. I clear my throat and keep going.

“If you think this only happens in-game, think again.” The screen changes, going to the next slide. “These are screenshots of messages I have gotten from people I know in real life. My fellow classmates.” I nod at them, noting with some pleasure that many are squirming, their faces red with shame. “Notice a pattern? They’re all tagged with #CrazyKiki.” I turn to look at Mr. Tan. “That’s my nickname here. I got it because I dared to challenge Jonas’s vision for our group project.”

Mr. Tan looks aghast. Or maybe he looks angry? I can’t tell. I quickly launch back into my presentation before he regains enough brain space to interrupt me.

“This, by the way, was what Jonas wanted our group to go for.” The slide shows Jonas’s mock-up of his proposed game with the ridiculously curvy woman carrying huge guns. “I was tired of having the only female characters in games be overly sexualized. But voicing a different opinion led to me being called crazy.”

Jonas is sitting so low in his chair that he looks like he’s in danger of sliding off at any moment.

“You might think that calling a girl crazy is no big deal, but what you might not know is that it quickly became part of my identity here. It created an unsafe environment for me, because when I had a very legitimate problem, I was dismissed because, hey, she’s crazy! I’m crazy for not wanting to be Jonas’s girlfriend. I’m crazy for speaking my mind in class.” My voice rises with passion, with anger. “I’m crazy simply because I exist as my own person.” My words ring with power, vibrating in the shocked silence of my classmates.

“Now let’s talk about Jonas.” I turn my gaze to Jonas, and he actually flinches. “The perfect boyfriend. So romantic how he called us a real-life enemies-to-lovers story. Well, you know what? Sometimes, people are enemies because one of them is tormenting the other, which was exactly what Jonas had been doing to me before he found out I was Dudebro and decided it would be cool to date me. I made it clear to Jonas that I wasn’t interested in him, but because I’m Crazy Kiki, nothing I say is to be taken seriously, right? My nos are only there as obstacles for Jonas to overcome. Well, you know what? Fuck you, Jonas.”

There is a collective gasp, and Mr. Tan starts forward, saying, “Okay, that’s enough, young lady—” but Zoelle, Triss, Peishan, and Klodiya all jump out of their seats and form a protective line between me and him.

Jonas jumps out of his seat, saying, “This is bullshit!” and in a split second, Liam’s right in front of him. Jonas snorts. “Move out of the way.”

Liam shakes his head. “Nope.” My head almost explodes into a million happy pieces, because, oh my god. Liam is standing up for me! Literally, might I add.

“You can’t stop me.” Jonas tries to shove him away, but Liam stands there unmoving, blocking Jonas’s way.

By now, I have to raise my voice to be heard over the commotion. “I reported the bullying and harassment to Principal Lin but was told it was harmless good fun and to be flattered because it means that Jonas was interested in me. So there you have it, this is the truth about Xingfa and the people in charge of it. Why are we letting this happen? I guess it’s much easier for the school if a harassed girl keeps her head down and learns to accept abuse, but I am done keeping my head down. I’m done swallowing my anger and pretending that everything’s okay. I’m not crazy just because I speak my mind. I’m a person with rights equal to those of everybody else here, and I am done staying silent to make boys feel comfortable.”

Silence. A bead of sweat trickles like an ant down my back. I swallow. Well, I did my best. And now to make my exit and—

Someone starts clapping. It’s Liam. Peishan, Zoey, Triss, and Klodiya all follow suit. Before I realize what’s happening, it spreads to the rest of the classroom. Not everyone joins in, but enough people do to make my eyes sting with tears.

“This is outrageous!” Mr. Tan screams.

Making my presentation and sharing my truth has unlocked something in me. I’ve empowered myself. It feels like I’ve finally found my old, confident self, the one who doesn’t fear speaking out for herself. So I can’t resist saying, “Did the presentation go over your head, Teacher?” Mr. Tan literally turns red. I’ve never seen a human in real life do that before. Time to make my exit.

But before I can leave, I see Liam walk toward me, his grin so wide that it basically eats up his entire face. My mind explodes into a thousand chirruping thoughts. He holds out his hand. Without really realizing what I’m doing, I put my hand in his. Holding hands with him feels so right, like coming home after a long journey. Peishan, Zoelle, Triss, and Klodiya walk out of the classroom behind us, followed by a handful of others.

Outside, I see that students have crowded around their classroom windows and are staring at our tiny procession. There’s a moment of panic before I recall that Sarah Jessica, in all her terrifying brilliance, hadn’t just hacked into our classroom computer; she hacked into the entire school system so my presentation was shown in every classroom at Xingfa. She also managed to hack into the sound system to broadcast my narration in real time. In my wildest dreams, the entire school comes undone, everybody rushing out of their classrooms to congratulate me. But of course, nothing like that would ever happen at Xingfa. Instead, they stare silently as we walk by, but here and there, I catch girls giving me a thumbs-up, or nodding or winking or mouthing “good job,” and my spirits flit up to the sky. I can only hope that sharing my truth has lit a fire under them. A tiny flame, for now, but I hope that it will grow with time, that more and more girls will speak up, and that others will support them.

“What the hell is going on?” Principal Lin thunders, striding through the hallway. He’s heading straight for me, and everything inside me squeaks, but somehow, I stay rooted to my spot, my feet planted firmly. He stops two paces away from me, breathing hard. “In all my years as principal,” he sputters, “I have never—never!—met such a disrespectful, disobedient student. You’re expelled!”

Part of me wants to quail, to drop my gaze and apologize. I guess the traditional Asian teachings of respecting my elders no matter what they do still lives on inside me. But I’ve grown past that now. I can unlearn the harmful things I’ve been taught. I am my own person. I lift my chin and meet Principal Lin’s eye, unflinching. “You can’t expel me.”

“What?” he snorts. “Oh yes, I—”

“Because I quit the school. My parents sent in the withdrawal form this morning, along with a formal complaint.”

Surprise flickers in his eyes before he manages to recover. “Well, good. Good riddance.”

“I quit too,” Liam says.

We all gape at him. Including me. “Liam—” I say, at the same time as Principal Lin says, “What?”

“I quit as well,” someone else in the crowd pipes up. The sea of students parts to reveal the slight frame of Eleanor Roosevelt.

This time, the blood drains from Principal Lin’s face. “Eleanor,” he whispers. “Hang on—”

“I already told my parents, and they agreed,” she says cheerfully. “They were honestly shocked at how unsafe the environment here is, all thanks to you.”

I gesture at the dozens of cell phones aimed at us. “There are going to be a whole lot of videos on social media about this mess. I uploaded my presentation online, so everyone knows exactly what happened here. I’m guessing that you’ll lose more students in the coming days.”

“That’s—that’s perfectly fine, our waiting list is notoriously long….”

I don’t bother waiting around to hear more of his bluster. With one last smirk at him, I turn on my heel and march out of the school with my friends beside me.

---

We stop outside the school gates, pause, and give one another the biggest WTF look ever. There’s a pregnant moment of shocked silence, then one of us giggles, and that does it. We all start laughing, and even as I laugh, tears flood my eyes and my entire body feels like it’s caught fire.

“Did we really just do that?” Eleanor Roosevelt shouts.

“You guys—” I have to pause because I’m so choked up. “I can’t believe you guys did all that for me.”

“That’s a bit much,” Peishan mutters. “It wasn’t just for you. I was also standing up to the many years of sexism I’ve had to suffer through in this hellhole.”

“Right.” I laugh, wiping my eyes.

“What now?” Sarah Jessica says.

“Well, we did just quit school,” Zoelle says. “So I guess we go home?”

“No way! I’m on an adrenaline high,” Eleanor Roosevelt says. “If I go home right now, I’m only going to be a menace. We need to go to a cake shop to celebrate!”

I grin. “I know just the place.” What better way to give Xingfa the middle finger than to go to Cake Ho in our uniforms?

Phones are whipped out and drivers are called. Liam clears his throat and says, “Hey, can we talk for a sec?”

My entire body turns into one giant heartbeat. Somehow, I manage to say, “Um, yeah, of course.”

As we walk away from the group, Eleanor Roosevelt stage-whispers, “Get it, Ci Kiki!”

I’m going to need to have a word with this kid later.

We go under the shade of a large beringin tree. There’s an awkward pause, then everything comes out of me in a torrent. “Liam, I am so, so sorry. When I created the Dudebro profile, I didn’t foresee making an actual friend in the game. I mean, all I had known until I switched to playing as a guy was abuse, so I really wasn’t in there to make friends. Until you. I didn’t mean to deceive you like that, Liam. I wanted to tell you the truth so many times. I was dying to tell you the truth about me, but as time went by and we revealed more about ourselves to each other, it just got harder and harder. And I told myself that maybe it was better this way, because we weren’t ever going to meet in real life anyway.”

Liam snorts. “True…”

“But then I moved to Xingfa and I found out that Sourdawg was a student there too, because the universe is a giant asshole.”

That gets a laugh out of him, and I laugh too, through the tears in my eyes, because really, how out of this world can our situation be? “I tried using the Lil’ Aunties service to find out who Sourdawg was. And meanwhile, you and I were becoming friends in real life. Liam, I liked the version of you online. You were one of my closest friends. But I didn’t expect to fall for the version of you in person.”

The laughter dries up. Liam stares at me, his mouth parted slightly. I’m burning with embarrassment and my mind is screaming, WTF why did you say that whyyy, but I keep going. “You’re even better in person. You stood up for me in class, you make me laugh, you make me…you make me feel like myself.” I have to pause, because saying the words out loud is a revelation to me as well. And at the end of the day, aside from his hotness and his charm, the thing that made me fall for Liam was how, when I was buried in a sea of mockery and contempt, he was the one who reminded me of who I was. The one who reached into the darkness and pulled me out.

When I speak again, my voice is heavy and thick with tears. All my life, I’ve embraced a sassy attitude, especially toward guys, never letting anyone see the cracks in my defenses. But I don’t want that chasm between me and Liam. I want to be completely honest with him. “I—what I didn’t expect was to fall in love with you.” There. The full, naked truth. My heart before him, completely exposed, offered up to him. He could break it if he wanted to, and I would let him.

Something warm and firm envelops my right hand. I look down to see Liam’s hand around mine. He gives it a small squeeze, and when I look up, he’s smiling at me with such tenderness that a lump forms in my throat.

“You don’t owe me anything,” he murmurs. “I’m the one who should be apologizing to you. I had no idea what you had to go through as a girl on Warfront Heroes. I—I don’t know, when I found out you were Dudebro, I didn’t even pause to consider why you’d done it. I just assumed you did it as a joke. I should’ve known better. And you know what? There was a part of me that thought: She’s Dudebro? That’s…kind of the best damn thing. It makes so much sense. When I was seated next to you, I don’t know how to describe it, but…” He takes a deep breath and brings my hand up to his chest. “That first day I saw you in class, the moment I saw your face…I felt like I’d come home.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Against my palm, I feel the steady beat of Liam’s heart. I know that he is saying the complete and honest truth too. No more walls between us. Every card on the table.

“I fell in love with you at first sight, Kiki,” Liam says. “I only agreed to participate in that ridiculous matchmaking scheme because I wanted to spend more time with you.”

“What? No, but—” My head spins, everything swirling inside it—hope and disbelief and the everythingness of it all.

“And the whole time, I thought: There’s no way she’s into me.”

A shocked laugh burbles out of me. “But!” I don’t even know what to say next.

“I love you too, Kiki Siregar.”

It’s as though my veins are rushing with some magical, sparkling cider. I feel a sense of weightlessness. I swear my feet leave the ground and hover above it. I look into Liam’s eyes, and there’s no guile in them, no laughter, just the core of him, exposed and vulnerable. I meet his honesty with my own, letting him in, letting all my carefully constructed walls crumble. Nothing left standing between us but the truth, our truth. I take a step forward, pressing the length of my body up against his, and we’re so close to each other that the rest of the world falls away. Our lips meet in a soft, sweet crush, his hands warm on my back, and I wrap my arms around his neck and let myself fall, fall, fall into him.