Fullepub 
Chapter 20
CHAPTER 20
I wake up to the sound of my phone ringing. Groggily, I grope around in my bed, but it’s nowhere near me. With a groan, I push myself up, wiping off the trail of drool from my cheek and blinking in the dark. My god, what time is it? There is no daylight streaming through the gaps in my curtains, so it must be the middle of the night. For a beat, I sit there, confused. Then it all comes back to me in a painful, overwhelming rush. The Spring Dance. Jonas’s speech, outing me as Dudebro10. The look of absolute betrayal and hurt on Liam’s face. I gasp and hurry out of bed before belatedly recalling that I’m still in Mami’s mermaid dress, which catches around my thighs and makes me tumble in a distinctly ungraceful pile on the floor.
“Ow!” I scramble up and waddle to the sofa, where I locate my phone stuffed between the seat cushions. I mash the green phone icon. “Liam? Liam, I’m so glad—”
“Uh, not quite.”
“Huh?” I put the phone away from my ear and wince at the bright light scything into my eyes. Turns out the phone call is a video call. How did I not notice that before? It takes a moment for my mind to catch up with what I’m seeing. “Sharlot?”
“Hey, cuz!” She waves at me. “How’s it going?”
Even though we’ve spent the last few months chatting on the WhatsApp group, Sharlot and I haven’t video-called each other in…well, ever.
“Uh…” I blink again, trying to shake off the last dregs of drowsiness from my head. “What time is it?” I tap on my phone and find the clock. “Dude, why are you calling me at three in the morning?”
Sharlot gives a sheepish grin. “If it makes you feel better, it’s noon here.” She gestures to the blindingly blue sky behind her.
“It doesn’t make me feel better, no.” I pinch the bridge of my nose and shut my eyes.
“Well, and George pointed out that if you were asleep, then your phone would be on Silent mode and it wouldn’t wake you.” Sharlot moves her phone to show George waving at me and giving an equally sorry grin.
“George was wrong,” I say flatly.
“Yeah, we figured that out. Although you should always remember to turn your phone to Silent mode before going to bed,” Sharlot nags.
I sigh. “Why are you calling? Not that I don’t love hearing from you, but why are you calling at three in the morning?”
Sharlot’s expression turns serious. “Eleanor might have called me. Well, actually, she called George, and when George refused to meddle, she called me. She’s threatening to call my mom next if we don’t get things sorted out with you.”
At the mention of Eleanor, guilt stabs me in the gut, hard and deep. “Oh god,” I murmur, covering my face as I recall all those horrible things I said to her last night. “Is Eleanor okay?” I manage to choke out.
“Why wouldn’t she be?”
I search for any traces of sarcasm on Sharlot’s face but find none. I’m so ashamed of myself I can barely get the words out. “I sort of said some really mean stuff to Eleanor last night. A lot of crap happened and I lashed out at her.”
“Yeah, she told us you weren’t your best self.”
That is so Eleanor Roosevelt that I can’t help snorting, and the small laugh somehow triggers the tears, and to my horror, I find myself sobbing once more.
“Oh, Kiki!” Sharlot cries. “I’m so sorry, cuz. Are you—oh, what am I saying, you’re obviously not okay. But it will be okay, I promise you it will be.”
This only makes me feel even guiltier. I’ve been keeping the whole bullying thing from Sharlot for no good reason, and now here she is, calling me and being so sweet and supportive. Through my sobs, I manage to choke out, “No, it won’t! How can it be okay? You don’t know what I’ve done. And what everyone is saying online—”
Sharlot’s gaze flattens. “Uh, really? You’re telling me, of all people, that I don’t know how things can possibly be okay? Have you forgotten what happened to me last year?”
“Oh yeah.” That brings out a shuddery laugh from me. I have to admit, Sharlot had it pretty bad last summer, when the entire nation branded her a scheming, gold-digging slut.
“Yeah, I see the memories coming back to you. Please, you’re basically talking to Monica Lewinsky. Nothing can touch me now.” Sharlot smirks, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “And I’m here to tell you that it will get better. You will get through this, because you are one bad bitch. You helped me get through my mess, I’m going to help you get through yours.”
“But you’re not even here!” I wail. When Sharlot’s life crashed around her, she’d been staying at my house and I was able to literally pick her up off the floor and shove junk food in her face until she felt more human. But I’m all alone. Waaah, poor me.
Sharlot gives me a sad smile. “True, but hey, you can call me anytime, and I’ll call you all the time and I’ll hold your hand virtually, okay? We can do a Netflix party and binge on junk food if that’s what you need. Kiki, I know it feels like the entire world hates you right now, but trust me when I tell you that none of it will last. Whatever they say about you, you know deep down inside that it’s not true. Only you know what the core of you is made of. So don’t let them take you down, cuz. Not like this.”
This only makes more tears flood my eyes, because god, for the past few months, I’ve been fighting so hard not to let all the #CrazyKiki stuff erode me. But between people constantly calling me crazy and me lying continuously to Liam, it’s taken a toll on my self-confidence. “I don’t like who I am now.” The words come out in a shocked whisper, and I realize with a start that it’s true. I don’t even recognize who I am anymore. Who is this girl who’s trying so hard to be liked? Who lies to her best friend? Who lashes out at her friends and her parents instead of talking things through with them?
“Oh, Kiki. I know. I hated myself too when it was happening. But please remember that before all the shit that everyone threw your way, you liked yourself, right? Because I know you, and I know you’re amazing.”
I think back to who I was before I moved to Xingfa. Back when I was at Mingyang, with Cassie. I wasn’t anywhere near perfect, but yeah, I liked that girl much better. It never occurred to her to not speak her mind. She never had to make herself feel small to make boys comfortable. I nod at Sharlot, and she smiles.
“You are not who they think you are,” she says gently.
My mouth parts, because wow, that’s so true. I’m not #CrazyKiki. Neither am I Jonas’s meek girlfriend. None of my schoolmates knows me, except maybe Liam, and even then, I’ve been hiding under layers and layers of lies.
“I think I have a lot of explaining and apologizing to do,” I finally say.
Sharlot’s forehead scrunches up with concern. “Okay, but not to the wrong people, right?”
I smile. “No. After I’m done apologizing, I will be ready for a battle with everyone else.”
“That’s the Kiki I know.”
Papi jerks awake into a kneeling position, arms out defensively, when one of the floorboards in his bedroom creaks under my foot. “Stop, thief!” he shouts. Next to him, Mami grunts, then resumes snoring.
“Papi, it’s just me!”
“Kiki? Wha-what time is it? Are you okay?”
It hits me then that maybe I should’ve waited until at least after daylight before barging into my parents’ bedroom. But I’d been so overcome by the need to talk to them.
“Um, I think it’s almost five in the morning?” I say with a grimace.
Papi reaches out to the side table and flicks a lamp on. Mami grunts and shields her eyes.
“What is it?” she groans. “Did you have a nightmare?”
“Seeing that I’m no longer three years old, no, I do not need comforting from my parents from a nightmare.” The words come out so caustic that even I wince at my tone of voice. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be so…mean. I just—” I take a deep breath. “I’ve been struggling for a while, and honestly, I’m kind of really mad at you guys.”
That gets their attention. Both Mami and Papi sit up and stare at me. “You’re mad at us?” Papi says. “Why?”
“Because!” I flap my arms before reminding myself to remain calm. “Because you transferred me to Xingfa.”
Mami sighs. “Sayang, I already explained to you why—”
“Yes, I get it. You wanted me to be in a school of rich kids, you wanted me to learn discipline, etc. But you never asked me how I’m doing there.”
They both look confused. “Of course you’d do well,” Papi says. “You’re wonderful, your friends love you, your teachers love you—”
“Actually, my teachers hate me and I don’t have any friends. Well, I did make friends with a few girls, but that didn’t happen until very recently, and probably only happened because they felt bad for me.”
For a few moments, Mami and Papi simply sit there gaping at me like goldfish. If I hadn’t been so sad and the subject matter weren’t so close to my heart, I would’ve laughed at their blank expressions.
“But—” Mami splutters. “You—you’re popular!”
“I was popular. Back at my old school. The school you didn’t think was good enough for me.”
Mami shakes her head. “Kiki, I know you think I transferred you to Xingfa because I want you to climb the social ladder and get a rich boyfriend, but that truly wasn’t why we did it.”
I narrow my eyes at her. “Reeeally.”
“Well, okay, I did hope that you’d find someone as nice and eligible as George Clooney. But the real reason is because Papi and I—we thought you needed to learn what our society is like. Mingyang is great, but it’s just so…liberal.”
“Which is good,” Papi adds hurriedly. “But we also wanted you to learn how to survive in a more conservative setting, because like it or not, the rest of the country—heck, most of Asia—is quite conservative. And we thought it would be good for you to learn how to fit in while you’re still at school.”
I get what they’re saying, but frustration gnaws at me at the unfairness of it all. I’m having to learn to “fit in” the way that only girls are expected to. “I get it,” I say finally, “but I think I’ve learned that I don’t actually want to fit in.”
“Kiki—” Mami sighs.
“No, I don’t, not in an environment as toxic as Xingfa. Do you know what the other kids there call me?” My voice cracks, my face burning with both anger and shame at having to reveal this to my parents. “Crazy Kiki.”
Papi’s jaw hits his lap, while Mami’s hand flies to her mouth. “What?” Mami gasps.
“There’s a hashtag and everything. Look.” I take out my phone, open up ShareIt, and do a search for #CrazyKiki. There are over a hundred posts with that hashtag. I pass the phone to Mami and look down at my feet, unable to meet her eyes. I know that this is for the best, that I should be truthful with my parents to make them understand what’s been going on with me, but it doesn’t make the revelation sting less for me. It hurts, ripping apart their perception of me. I know that they’ve both always been proud of me; they love telling people how loved I am by both my classmates and my teachers. When Sharlot visited last summer, I saw the way Mami’s eyes lit up whenever I gave Sharlot advice on what to wear and how to behave. They saw me as a natural leader, and to expose my weakness to them is painful.
“This—” Mami is scrolling down with lightning speed. Then she glances up at me, and I freeze because she’s wearing an expression I’ve never seen before. I’ve often seen Mami irritated, or put-upon, or even snappish. But I’ve never seen her this incandescent with rage. Her face glows with the heat of her anger. She’s gripping my phone so tightly that I wonder if she’s going to crush it. “This…,” she hisses again. “These are posts from your schoolmates? Xingfa kids?”
I nod and hold out my hand for the phone. “There’s more.”
“More?” Papi says, aghast.
I open up TikTok and search for the hashtag again. “There’s more that I haven’t told you.” And here comes the hardest part. Telling them about my deception, the way I’ve been playing games for over a year as a boy, and how Jonas found out about it and effectively blackmailed me into dating him.
Mami looks like she’s going to be sick. “You mean Jonas Arifin—that Jonas—forced you to—”
“Kiki,” Papi interrupts, his face a mask of pain and rage, “did that boy do—? Did he make you—”
“No!” I shout quickly. “No, no. He was decent enough—ha, it’s weird calling Jonas decent—but he never made me do anything I wasn’t comfortable with physically. We never even kissed or anything. Well, he did request that we hold hands, which was not great, but…you know, on the whole, I could live with it.”
Papi squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, pain crossing his features, then he opens them and gazes at me with so much tenderness that I find myself getting all teary again. “I hope that you never again have to say ‘I can live with it’ when it comes to dating a guy.”
I manage to croak, “Thanks, Papi.” Then I clear my throat. “Anyway…” I fill them in on everything that happened last night, Jonas exposing me and Liam storming out and me running away, and I show them the videos on TikTok. Mami watches with a hand over her mouth the whole time, and Papi’s hands are clenched into white-knuckled fists.
“Good grief,” Mami says. “Kids are monsters.” Then she hurriedly adds, “Not you, of course.”
That gets a small smile out of me. “Of course not me. I’m a delight.”
At that, Mami utters a half sob, half laugh. “You are. You are a delight. And I can’t believe what these monstrous kids have done to you.”
“A little bit over the top, but I’ll accept it. To be fair, though, I think they’re just following Jonas’s cue.”
“God, I could kill that boy,” Mami growls. “But, sayang, why didn’t you report him and his cronies to the teachers? Or—I don’t know, the guidance counselor? Don’t they have one of those?”
“I tried, but the principal only blamed it on me and basically told me I should change myself to better fit in with the rest of the school.”
Papi nods solemnly. “The rice stalk that stands out gets the scythe. That’s a well-known Chinese proverb. Traditional Chinese culture values the cohesion of the group as a whole; individualism is not as encouraged as it is in modern times.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Pretty sure it’s a Japanese proverb.”
Papi shrugs, looking rather sheepish. “Well, I’m sure the Chinese have something similar.”
I can’t help smiling at him. “I’m sure our ancestors have something similar, yes.”
“Well,” Mami huffs, “I think we are all in agreement that there is no point in discussing rice stalks right now. I am ready to rain down hell on this awful school.” And sure enough, she really does look like she’s ready to march with all the bluster and indignation that only a Chinese mother can summon and tell Principal Lin exactly what she thinks of him and Xingfa.
For a moment, I’m tempted to let Mami do just that. “No, Mami.”
They both frown at me. “Why not? They think they can just bully our daughter because they—” Mami rants, while at the same time, Papi says, “I’m calling Seventh Aunt right now. She’ll know what to do; she’s a lawyer.”
I raise both hands and gesture at them to stop. “Okay, okay! And Papi, you don’t have to always say Seventh Aunt is a lawyer every time you mention her. She’s my auntie; I know she’s a lawyer.” I take a deep breath. “Anyway, I think I have a better idea of how to handle this. Because I’m very sure that Xingfa is used to parents complaining about this and that. They’re going to know exactly what to say to beat you down. But with my way, they’re not going to know how to react.”
Mami narrows her eyes at me. “It’s not illegal, is it?”
“No!” I gaze at them pleadingly. “Please trust me on this? Once I’m done, you can complain all you want to the school.”
Mami and Papi look at each other, and in that moment, I know that this is exactly the kind of relationship I want to have one day. One where we can convey an entire conversation with just one look. They nod at me at the same time, then Mami yawns and tells me to get out of their room so she can catch a few hours more of beauty sleep.
By the time I go back to my bedroom, the sun has fully risen, fresh morning sunlight streaming through my windows, bathing my room in sweet golden light. It feels hopeful somehow, a new start. I smile and utter a tired but happy sigh. After talking to Mami and Papi, the giant boulder of resentment that has been crushing our relationship for the past few months has lifted. I didn’t expect them—especially Mami—to be so horrified on my behalf. I was afraid that they would tell me it’s all my fault, and I’m so unbelievably grateful to find out that I’ve been wrong about my parents. But I’m not done talking and apologizing to people. I take out my phone once more and open up a video call on WhatsApp.
The call goes through, and the first words I hear are: “Excuse you, a lady simply does not answer calls before nine!”
I grin. “Eleanor Roosevelt, since when are you a lady?”
The video on the screen shifts to show Eleanor blinking blearily at me. Despite her sleepy state, her smile is as impish as ever. “Ci Kiki! I knew you’d call. That’s why I kept my phone on, you know.”
“You knew I’d call?”
Eleanor rolls her eyes so aggressively I wonder if it makes her dizzy doing that. “Please, of course I knew. I knew you’d feel bad about all the nasty things you said to me and Sarah Jessica last night and you’d be so overcome by guilt and you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you didn’t apologize, and I was right! Hey, Sarah Jessica, I was right.” The video swings around crazily, then it shows a mess of hair next to Eleanor. “I convinced Sarah Jessica to stay over last night so we could both witness you groveling for forgiveness.”
I don’t know whether to laugh or feel mortified by this. But when I pause to think about it, I realize that I shouldn’t have expected anything less from Eleanor. The only way out is through the tunnel. Gotta swallow whatever pride I have left and own up to my assholery. “I’m glad that you and Sarah Jessica are both willing to hear me out. I’m so, so sorry about all the things I said last night.”
Eleanor smiles smugly while, next to her, Sarah Jessica yawns.
“I haven’t been honest with you,” I say with a sigh. “I only really joined Lil’ Aunties Know Best because I wanted to find out who my online bestie was. And he turned out to be Liam, by the way. Once I found out, I wanted to quit, but then Jonas found out I was his online troll and decided to date me, so…yeah, it’s all a mess, and none of it was your fault. I’m so sorry that I took out my anger on you.”
The smugness melts away from Eleanor’s face, and the smile she gives me now is a real one, shining with warmth. “Thanks, Ci Kiki. See?” she says to Sarah Jessica. “Told you she’s not a raging asshole.”
Sarah Jessica appraises me coolly before shrugging. “Okay.”
“Thank you for accepting my apology. Can I just say, you two are terrifying.”
Eleanor nods with a smirk, as though what I’ve just said was the biggest compliment she could ever receive.
“Just so you know, we were both bullied when we first started at Xingfa,” Sarah Jessica says flatly. “Well, I was bullied a lot longer before Eleanor found me and rescued me. We know the signs. We were aware that you were being bullied and we thought Lil’ Aunties might be able to help.”
My heart swells and clenches painfully at the thought of plucky Eleanor and quietly brilliant Sarah Jessica at the hands of bullies. But of course, it makes sense, because neither of them fits the mold. Both of them are rice stalks that stand too tall. Gah, damn it, Papi. Now I’m going to have that stupid proverb in my head forever.
I hesitate for a second before going for it. “I have an idea on how to address the bullying at Xingfa, but I’m going to need your help. I know I’ve been horrible to you both, but can you help me?”
They both smile at me like hungry sharks. When I tell them my plan, Eleanor Roosevelt rubs her palms together and goes, “Mwahahaha.”
Oh god, what have I gotten myself into?
