Chapter 13

CHAPTER 13

“I hate this,” I wail for the millionth time.

“Okay, Whiney McWhinerson,” Cassie says very unsympathetically.

“Whine, whiiiine.”

Cassie levels her gaze at me through her charcoal face mask. “I don’t know that whining consists of you actually saying ‘whine, whine.’ ”

“Oh yes, it definitely does.” I sigh and plop back down on my bed. “Argh, shoot!” I quickly get up again, but it’s too late: a bit of my charcoal mud mask has smudged off onto my pillowcase. Mami is going to flay me alive. Well, never mind. I’ve had to deal with all this unnecessary drama in my life thanks to her, so she can very well deal with a stained pillowcase.

“Come here and have more of this coconut cake,” Cassie calls from where she’s sensibly sitting on the floor.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“No, you don’t. And yet here I am anyway.”

I can’t help but smile as I hop off the bed onto the rug, where Cassie has laid out in a pile all the goodies she brought over. I truly do not deserve her. She came bearing all sorts of snacks: little coconut rice cakes filled with warm, caramelized palm sugar; crunchy, salty cassava chips; salted egg crispy fish skin; and chocolate-covered local coffee beans. The last one might have been a mistake, though, because after popping half a dozen of them into my mouth, my heart feels like a wild horse that’s just been released from its stable. She’s also brought the mud masks and a pedicure set, but I told her to trust me—she really does not want to come anywhere near my naked feet.

“Why don’t you ask the Lil’ Aunties to match you with Liam?” Cassie picks out a particularly large piece of crispy fish skin and nibbles on it, careful not to get any crumbs on her face mask.

I flail at her. I seem to be doing a lot of flailing recently. “Because! Haven’t you been listening? I lied to him about—”

“Who you are online, sure, whatever. Everybody does.”

“It’s different. It’s not like editing your online profile pic to look more presentable. He thinks I’m a guy.”

“So what? You don’t have to tell him that you’re Dudebro. You can just be your own person.”

I gawk at her. “And continue chatting with him online as Dudebro in the meantime? No, I can’t do that. That feels really slimy. We don’t just play together. He tells me a lot of things online. Like, private stuff about his family.”

Cassie sighs. The mask around her mouth is now covered in flakes of salted egg. If I weren’t so down about Liam being out on a date with Triss, I would’ve laughed at the sight of both of us covered in black masks and crumbs.

“I bet they’re hitting it off,” I moan. I almost flop over dramatically but catch myself in time before I smush charcoal mud all over my rug. Damn it, these masks were a terrible idea. I need to be able to do my melodramatic flops.

Cassie glances at her watch. “They’ve been out, what, an hour? That’s a pretty long coffee date.”

I glare at her. “You’re not helping.”

“Have more coconut cake.” She picks one up and literally pops it in my mouth.

“I bet they’re making out.” Since my mouth is filled with delicious cake and syrup, it comes out as “Oomfh oomph mff.”

“Making out?” I have no idea how Cassie understood that, but now she’s staring at me like I’ve just sprouted tentacles from my head. “You seriously think they might be making out on their first date? Their first date, which, might I add, is taking place at a café.”

I shrug forlornly. “Okay, so it sounds a bit unlikely when you put it that way, but please tell that to my asshole brain, because it won’t stop conjuring up images of Liam and Triss kissing and slurping at each other.”

“Kissing…and slurping?” Cassie cackles. “Tell me you’ve never made out with anyone without telling me you’ve never made out with anyone.”

I narrow my eyes at her. “Clearly, I have made out with plenty of guys.”

“And all this making out involved slurping?” Cassie makes a face, which makes her mask crack. “See, this is why I’m thankful that I’m not into guys.”

“Okay, not specifically slurping. But, you know, there was a lot of tongue involved.”

“Too late, you said ‘slurping.’ You can’t take it back.”

“How do girls make out?”

“Well, it’s very hot and very sexy, and there is definitely no slurping.”

By now, despite everything, I’m finding it hard not to laugh. Cassie joins me, and as we laugh, our face masks crack and flake to the floor, which makes us laugh even harder.

A beep interrupts our laughter. It shoots straight through my consciousness and lights up a Liam-shaped area of my brain, because ah! It’s the alert from Discord. I leap up so abruptly from the floor that Cassie goes, “What the hell?” but I don’t respond as I pounce on my phone and open up the app.

U there?

Dudebro10:YES—

I delete that and type in “yes,” no caps, like a normal person would.

Wanna do a battleground?

I stare at my phone as though the message were in German.

“What is it?” Cassie asks.

I turn to her with a frown. “Liam’s asking me—well, Dudebro—if I want to play Warfront Heroes.”

Cassie shrugs. “Why not?”

“Well, he just came home from a date with a really pretty, really smart girl. And the first thing he does is play Warfront Heroes?”

“Sounds pretty normal for a hetero male. You do realize they are very inferior creatures, right? What did you expect, a heart-to-heart conversation breaking down every detail of the date?”

Yeah, actually. But it did sound stupid when Cassie put it that way.

“Go play with him. I’m gonna raid your closet.”

I type out “OK” and go to my desk to fire up my laptop. Behind me, Cassie stays true to her word and starts rooting around my closet with abandon. We get in a queue for the next available battleground.

So how did your coffee thing go?

Is that casual enough? Is it something a guy would say to his totally platonic guy friend?

Haha, can’t believe you remembered!

My sweet Liam, I have been obsessing over it for the past two days, since I was cursed into signing the girls up with the Lil’ Aunties.

Haha, yeah, I just randomly thought of it

Sourdawg:It was OK

Okay? Okay?! What does that mean? Luckily, I’m spared from digging for more details, because Liam continues typing.

She’s rly pretty

Kill me now.

Haha, cool! What did you guys do?

Sourdawg:Had coffee, chatted, the usual

Dudebro10:That sounds awesome!

Argh, that was probably way too strong.

Yeah, it was great. She’s a rly cool person

I’m nearly overwhelmed by a sudden surge of resentment toward poor Triss, who has been nothing but kind to me. Stop it, self. I don’t want to be the kind of person who sees other girls as competition. Deep breath in. Triss has done nothing wrong, aside from being her usual awesome self. I’m the one who’s a dirty liar who’s lied and keeps on lying to her supposed best online friend.

I’m glad to hear it!

I type that through teeth gritted so hard I can hear my molars crack. Of course, the message comes out stilted and awkward and not at all sounding like something a teen boy would say. Or a teen girl, for that matter. I’ve somehow morphed into business-speak. Next, I’ll start saying stuff like “I hope this finds you well,” and then he’ll think I’m some ancient millennial.

Just as I’m about to log off and quietly have an emotional crisis, Sourdawg sends another DM.

But I don’t know if there was much chemistry there, to be honest

My heart grows to the size of a basketball. Never mind, that doesn’t sound good. It swells, is what I’m trying to say. It swells and swells, and I swear I’ve never felt this happy.

Oh?

The most loaded “Oh?” in the history of “Ohs.”

Yeah, it’s weird, right? Because I liked everything about her. She’s pretty, she’s so smart, and she’s rly funny too

Come on, let’s get to the “but”!

But…

Yesss.

IDK. It’s just weird. I’m being weird, right? There is literally nothing wrong with her. She’s awesome

Dudebro10: I mean, if you’re not into her, you’re not into her. You can’t help how you feel about someone

Sourdawg:Very wise, Confucius

Dudebro10:That’s me all right

Just then, we’re let into a game, so the conversation is, thankfully, put to rest. Phew. Of course, I can hardly focus on the battle, because my mind is at odds with itself, flinging back and forth from relief (yay, he’s not into her!) to dread (ugh, this means I’m going to have to set him up with someone else). I swear, this whole matchmaking thing is going to age me twenty years.

Hmm. An idea forms, blobby and vague at first, then slowly coming into focus. Why don’t I use the matchmaking thing to my advantage? Once the round ends, I tell Sourdawg that I have to go afk for a bit, then swivel my chair around.

Cassie sees my expression. “Uh-oh. What is it?”

“Do you think…” I bite my lip, feeling out the idea in my mind before plunging forward. “Would it be entirely terrible if I asked the Lil’ Aunties to—I don’t know—set me up on a double date that just so happens to have Liam in it?” Argh, now that I’ve said it out loud, that sounds bad.

“Not terrible, but why bother with a double date? Like I said, you should ask them to set you up with him.”

“And I already told you why I can’t do that. But a double date feels less bad, at least. I don’t know.” I sigh. “It’s probably a bad idea.”

“God,” Cassie groans. “You are so into Liam, it’s kind of sad.”

“Thanks.”

Cassie smirks at me. “I think it’s a great idea. I mean, it’s not as good as going on a solo date with him, but hey, beggars and choice. Go for it. This way, you’ll be able to interact with him outside of your dystopian school, and who knows? Maybe sparks will fly!”

“Really?” I hate how hopeful my voice comes out.

Cassie grabs my phone and shoves it at me. “Yes. Talk to the Lil’ Aunties now. They’ll go for it, I’m sure.”

I stare at the phone for ages, wondering what to write to the Lil’ Aunties. Finally, Cassie snatches the phone out of my hands and starts typing.

Hey, girls, I’ve got a great idea. Instead of boring coffee dates, what about something exciting, like mushroom foraging or hiking up a waterfall? You could set up more than one couple at a time on these dates

I grab the phone back from Cassie, glaring at her. “I can’t believe you just said that.” Technically, I realize Cassie hasn’t actually said anything terrible, but still! She’s typing as me; she should be a tad more careful.

Love it!

Sarah Jessica Parker:Good idea. And we just got one more guy sign up, so we can now set up a double date

Eleanor Roosevelt:Yeah, we were actually just about to message you, ci

Kiki:Oh? Why?

Sarah Jessica Parker:The guy who signed up specifically asked to be matched with you

Heat floods my cheeks. Cassie, who’s reading over my shoulder, goes, “Oooh!” She grins at me. “Someone’s got a crush on you.”

It’s hard to keep the smile off my face. I mean, I’m so very into Liam it’s gone into uncool territory, but still, finding out that someone’s into me is nice. “Shut up,” I say to Cassie, biting my cheek to keep from smiling too hard. I’m still fighting back a huge-ass grin as I type a carefully nonchalant reply to the Lil’ Aunties.

Oh? Cool. Who is it?

Cassie and I both hold our breath as three little dots appear next to Eleanor Roosevelt. My mind flicks through all the guys I’ve interacted with at Xingfa. Not many of them, to be fair. Maybe that guy who said hi to me that time at the canteen? Or maybe the guy I bumped into on the way to chem lab? Or maybe…

Jonas Arifin

Or maybe it’s the last person I would’ve guessed. And the last person I would ever, ever go out with. My jaw thumps to the floor. I stare at Cassie, who’s looking as shocked as I feel. We speak at the same time. “What the hell?”