22.

Boasting about a baby’s length and weight makes childbirth a lot like fishing.

D ICE

“Babe, you’ve been asleep an awfully long time,” I said as I gently rubbed Cydney’s back. “I think you should have something to eat before we go.”

“No, my stomach is revolting again. I think my gallbladder grew back or something.” I tried not to laugh, but a chuckle escaped, and Cydney growled at me before she asked, “Will you Google that for me?”

“Why don’t you just ask Wren when you get to your appointment?”

“I don’t think I can go today. Maybe tomorrow.”

“You’re running out of tomorrows, Cyd. The baby is due any day now, and they want to see if things are in motion yet.”

“Nothing is in motion,” Cydney whined. “I can’t go see her today.”

“Why?”

“I can’t tell you why, but let me just say that it’s not good.”

“What’s not good?”

“Will you stop nagging me? Shit!” It only took a few seconds before Cydney burst into tears and said, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but everything just feels off somehow, and it’s making me cranky.”

“Honey, I’m taking you into the office whether you want to go or not. You barely ate anything last night, you were moaning and groaning in your sleep, and now you can’t even make yourself get out of bed. At this point, it’s up to you how you look when you get there because I’ve got no problem carrying you out to the truck in my T-shirt and your panties.”

“You’re kind of sexy when you get all bossy like that,” Cydney said as she pushed herself up onto her elbow. She grimaced and put a hand on her stomach as she said, “I swear Junior has been doing Olympic-worthy gymnastics in there. It hurts every time he moves.”

“Come on, babe. If you hurry, you’ve got enough time for a shower before we go.”

“That sounds divine,” Cydney murmured as she sat all the way up in bed. She winced and pressed her hands against the sides of her belly and then took a deep breath. When she stood up, I was shocked to see the changes in the shape of her body. She saw the look on my face and asked, “What’s wrong?”

I tilted my head to study her from the side and said, “You’re shaped differently somehow.”

“I can breathe for some reason too,” she said before she took a deep breath and then blew it out. “What’s that about?”

“We read about this, remember? The baby is in position with his head down now, so you have more room to breathe and everything.”

“I’m all for it, but there are other things I need to do even more.”

“Like what?”

“Stop nagging me!” Cydney yelled as she walked into the bathroom. A few seconds later, her tearful voice called out, “I’m sorry!”

I ran my hand over my face a few times before I put my shoulders back and walked into the bathroom as if I were about to try and wrangle a rabid bear. Life with Cydney had been quite an adventure so far, with everything coming at us a mile a minute since we’d found each other again, but nothing could compare to the runaway freight train her hormones had become. Even though life with her was like a roller coaster, I wouldn’t change a single thing - well, maybe one. If I could blink my eyes and have the baby in my arms and a healthy Cydney lying in bed next to me, I’d do it because I wasn’t sure that I could survive another week until the due date or that she’d even let me live that long.

However, wild mood swings, insatiable sex drive, insane cravings, and body changes aside, I wouldn’t change a thing because all of them came along with Cydney, and she was worth it in the end.

Our shower went a lot faster than usual, which worried me since the shower was where Cyd and I always had the most fun, but today, she wasn’t up for anything except a quick wash and rinse before she got out to get ready for her appointment. Once we were at the office, it didn’t take long for them to call us back to see Wren, Cydney’s midwife, who had checked her a few times since we got here and would do it again and again until the baby was born.

I helped Cydney get onto the table, even after she refused to take her clothes off to put on the gown. When Wren walked into the exam room, she voiced her surprise, and Cydney just glared at her.

“I know how much you love seeing me naked, but it’s not happening today.”

“Well, Squid, I’m sure this will surprise you, but I can’t use my vast array of psychic abilities to examine you.” She lifted her hand and wiggled her fingers before she said, “I’ve gotta use these.”

“Something is off down there, and until it gets better, no one’s going near me with anything, and that includes your weird skinny fingers.”

“What’s wrong?” Wren asked as she rolled her computer tray closer to the exam table.

“I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Since when are you shy?” Wren asked with concern. She glanced at me and then back at Cyd before she said, “Does he need to leave the room?”

“No.Yes.Maybe.”

“The fact that you know your own mind and are so firm in your convictions has always been your finest trait, Squid, but I’m going to need a single answer to be able to put things in motion.”

Wren glanced at me again, and I stood up to leave the room, hoping that might help Cyd open up. When Cydney grunted and put her hands on her stomach, Wren looked concerned and I said, “She’s been doing that since yesterday afternoon, but she won’t tell me what’s wrong.”

Cydney threw her forearm over her eyes and moaned, “I have to poop, but I can’t, no matter how hard I try.” She moved her arm and then lifted her head to scowl at me and then Wren before she said, “There! Are you happy now?”

“Honey, he’s going to see parts of you soon from an angle that he’s never even imagined in his wildest dreams. Talking about natural bodily functions should be a breeze.”

“Well, it’s not a breeze. I feel like I’m going to poop, but no matter how hard I try, nothing happens.”

“With that being said, I really need to examine you, Cyd. Maybe I’ll be able to resolve the issue or tell you how to fix it.”

“And sticking two fingers up my hooha is going to help with that?” Cydney grumbled.

“Well, if that doesn’t work, I can just put my foot up your ass and see if that dislodges the clog so you can take a shit and get back to your normally unpleasant self.”

“Did you hear that? I was just threatened by a medical professional.” Cydney sneered at Wren and said, “I should get off this table and kick your ass.”

“I welcome you to try, Squid. I saw you waddling your way back here, and the only ass that’s going to be kicked is yours when you get going too fast and roll around town like the meatball from that kids’ song.”

“And now she’s insulting my weight.”

“Shut up and get naked. Jeez. Every time I have to deal with one of y’all, I swear I’m going to make a rule that I won’t see anyone related to me.”

“Technically, I’m not related to you,” Cydney snapped.

“Bitch, please.”

“Should I go? Should I stay? Should I close my eyes so I’m not a witness to a murder? What’s the verdict?”

“Stay,” Cydney said in exasperation. “But you’re gonna have to help me get up and undress because I’m not sure I can do it by myself at this point.”

A few minutes later, with Cydney wrapped in the soft blue gown Wren had offered her and me beside the exam table, Wren scooted her chair back and pulled off her gloves before she said, “It looks like you’re having a baby.”

“No shit? I just thought I kept on a little too much holiday weight,” Cydney drolled.

“Squid, I’m telling you that you’re having a baby right now. ”

“Right now?”

“Well, as soon as I can get an ambulance here to transport you to the hospital, or sooner, if we don’t get our asses in gear.”

“I can’t have the baby today! Kenny promised to take me to Benson’s for a Coke float.”

“Let’s call Macy and see if she can deliver that order to the hospital after the baby gets here,” Wren suggested as she stood and walked to the door. “Just stay right there, okay, Squid? Dice, do not let her get up off that bed.”

“Are you serious right now?” Cydney yelled.

“Holy shit,” I whispered as I looked from Wren to Cyd and then back again. I raised my eyebrows in disbelief and asked, “Today? Right now? Are you sure?”

Wren let her head fall forward and said, “By my estimate, we have less than an hour before she gets the urge to push, which she is mistaking for a need to poop, so yes, I’m sure. It’s happening today, so you better start making phone calls if you need to inform your family.”

“Hot damn!” I yelled as I pulled my phone out of my pocket. Without any hesitation, I dialed Debbie’s number. When she answered, I yelled, “Get your ass to Texas! We’re having a baby!”

Debbie was ecstatic and promised that she and Frank, and probably at least one or two of the girls, would be on the next flight. We were both in tears as she told me she loved me and wished Cydney luck. By the time I hung up, I felt calmer, as if knowing my anchor was on the way made the waters a little less dangerous.

“Do you realize what you just did, Kenny?” Cydney whispered.

“What?”

“She said to call your family, and Debbie was the first person you thought of.”

“You’re right,” I said in shock. “I’ll be damned. You’re right.”

“I think that’s a breakthrough, Mr. Hawkes. Don’t you?”

“I can’t imagine doing any of this without them,” I whispered, mostly to myself. I looked up at Cyd as it dawned on me and said, “I’ve got a whole family, Cyd. A big one.”

“It’s not nearly as big as mine, but that’s okay because every little bit counts.”

“You’re right.”

“Speaking of big families, sweetheart, as much as I love the fact that you finally pulled your head out of your ass and admitted that you have one, do you think you can take a second to call a member of mine so I’ve got someone cheering for me in the waiting room?”

“Shit! I’ll call your dad right now.”

“I think that would be a good idea.”