20.

Have you ever wondered if maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we die and turn into plant food?

Dice

THREE MONTHS LATER

C YDNEY

I took a sip of my hot chocolate and then picked up my binoculars to take another look at the crazy people out on the Strip. Somehow, this had become my new favorite pastime, and no matter how much Kenny insisted that it was weird, I just couldn’t stop myself.

Apparently, he understood that because the fancy new binoculars I was holding must have cost him a pretty penny, but they certainly made for a wonderful present under the tree yesterday morning.

Considering that he and I were the only ones who lived in the apartment other than the trio of demons who were sitting on the other side of the window behind me plotting my slow and painful death, it was crazy how many presents were still under our Christmas tree - one I had insisted that we buy and decorate when I found out that Kenny had never done that before. Earlier in the month, I had mailed the majority of my gifts, only keeping the ones I had for my immediate family and the Turners who would all be here to celebrate this evening, a day later than the rest of the world.

Apparently, Frank and Debbie were content to celebrate Christmas after the official holiday so that Courtney, Chelle, and Carrie could focus on their own families and spend time with their in-laws. That worked out well - this year and in the future, hopefully - because it meant my parents could come to Vegas to see us without having to miss any of the festivities at home. And it wasn’t just my parents coming to visit, but my siblings too. I knew that in the future that might not work out, which was perfectly okay since we planned on going to Rojo as often as possible, but this year was special.

This Christmas, we would find out if the baby I was carrying - the one who had wreaked havoc on my sleep, appetite, and ability to go more than fifteen minutes without having to pee - was going to be a boy or a girl. I couldn’t remember a time I had ever been this excited and couldn’t wait to video chat with the girls tonight so I could give them the news.

“Are you out here being nosy again?” Kenny asked unnecessarily as he walked out onto the balcony. “It’s a fucking polar vortex out here, and you’re spying on the drunks who are too stupid to realize it!”

“Honey, this isn’t anywhere near cold. At home, this is the kind of weather that makes you put on a hoodie and maybe trade your shorts and sandals for jeans and sneakers. This isn’t even coat weather.”

“It could snow any minute,” Kenny argued.

“It’s 58 degrees. Sack up and get over it, princess. You’re not going to freeze to death.”

“I’m gonna spank you, but this time, you’re not going to enjoy it,” Kenny threatened.

“Whatever,” I said as I pointed out over the balcony. “Look! She’s back!”

“Oh, shit!” Kenny exclaimed as he reached for my old pair of binoculars - ones I’d purchased from Amazon on a whim, and put them up to his face. “Where is she . . . I can’t . . . There she is!”

“She’s got a live one!” I said cheerfully as I leaned forward so I could watch my favorite escort reel in her prey. “I like her dress.”

“That color looks okay on her, but it wouldn’t work for you. You’d look fantastic in it if it was darker, maybe a deep purple or cobalt blue, but the gold wouldn’t suit your coloring at all.” Kenny scanned up and down the Strip just like I’d been doing, but when he didn’t find anything else that interested him, he put the binoculars back in the case we kept on the wrought iron table I’d picked out last month. He smiled at me before he said, “But I like what you’re wearing right now more than I like that dress.”

“I couldn’t resist. I know my family is going to get a laugh out of it when they read it,” I admitted as I ran my hand over my new hoodie that Amethyst had sent me for Christmas. When I pulled it out of the box, I burst out laughing and then pulled it on over my T-shirt so he could take a picture for me to send to her. I ran my hands over the little bump I’d developed and said, “I am pregnant as a mother right now.”

“Shit, it’s cold!” Kenny exclaimed before he shivered and ran his hands up and down his arms. “I’m going to go turn on the heater.”

“If you touch that thermostat, I will end you,” I threatened.

“That’s a bit violent and unnecessary,” Kenny mumbled as he stood up to walk inside. He motioned behind me and said, “Look at the girls! They’re freezing!”

“I don’t know how since they’ve got more sweaters and sweatshirts than most women I know and you got them heated beds for their cat tree.”

“Because you insist on living in a damn igloo!” Kenny yelled over his shoulder as he walked inside. Before he closed the door behind him, I heard the oven timer go off, so I jumped up to follow him inside. “Have you checked the flight times? Is everything on schedule?”

“Yes,” I said as I did a little happy dance. “I’m so excited that they’ll be here soon!”

“I really think we should have gone to pick them up,” Kenny muttered as he picked up Lamp and snuggled her close.

“Mom, Aunt Izzy, and Tad are going to think it’s so swanky that they have a driver picking them up in a limo. Dad and Uncle Stoffer are going to bitch about it because they’ll hate having a stranger drive them around, and my brothers won’t care either way.”

“Now that you know there’s a car service for residents of the building, are you going to start using it?”

“Hell no!” I said as I pulled the pan out of the oven and set it on the trivet waiting on the counter. “I don’t want some stranger driving me who lets half the population of Las Vegas merge in front of him when they really should be punished for not paying attention to the signs.”

“I know that’s one of the things you hate the most, but I think you take it to the extreme,” Kenny stated frankly. “I really don’t want to have to buy an armored tank for you to drive the princess around in, but I might have to, considering your penchant for road rage.”

“I used to complain about the traffic at home, but Rojo’s got nothing on this place,” I muttered as I put the next pan in the oven and set the timer. “On a different note, I think all the food is ready. Did you get everything on ice?”

“I did,” Kenny said before he wrapped his arms around me from behind, resting his hands on my bump. “Have I told you today how much I like having you here?”

“Not today, but I think you mentioned it twice yesterday,” I said as I let my head fall back to rest on his shoulder. “Did you get everything done at the shop this afternoon?”

“I did. Filming starts in a week, and of course, they’ll come in at the last minute and try to change a bunch of shit, but that’s a fight I’ll deal with then.”

“Like what?”

“The angle of the tables and chairs is the biggest thing. They’ll want to move them so it will be easier to set up the cameras, and we’ll argue about it for a bit before I win.”

“You sound pretty sure of yourself.”

“I’m not going to make my artists uncomfortable just so the lighting is right. That’s a them problem, not an us problem.”

“You already sound like a temperamental movie star.”

“No movies, just reality television at its finest.”

“I think it’s hilarious that you hate watching reality tv, but you’re on one of the shows.”

“I’ve still never watched one I’m on, and I’m not going to either.”

“Did they get the contract worked out with Pearl and the guys?” I asked.

Kenny laughed softly before he said, “Courtney had them jumping through hoops, but she got it done. They’ll all be handsomely rewarded for their cameos.”

“That’s awesome.”

“And while some of your family is here from Rojo and Colorado, you’ll get to hang out with them so much that you’ll be more than ready for them to leave again.”

I laughed because he was right. In the three months that I’d been in Las Vegas, I’d had guests for short stints here and there. As much as I enjoyed seeing my friends and hated for them to go, I felt a sense of relief when they returned home. I’d suffered my fair share of homesickness, too, but that got better with each trip home to see Roscoe and Wren, who were still my doctors on record since I fully intended to have our baby in Rojo.

“Bella will be here for a week at the end of next month,” I reminded him. “I think some of the other girls are going to fly out then, too, but they likely won’t be staying with us since Matteo will be hosting and will get each of them a room, I’m sure.”

“There are a few benefits to knowing the owner of the building.”

The buzzer on the wall rang, and Kenny kissed my neck before he walked over to answer it. After he gave the okay for our guests to come up, he said, “Let the games begin.”

“Are you as excited as I am?”

“As much if not more,” he assured me before he pulled me back into his arms, this time facing him so he could give me a lingering kiss. “Before long, we’ll know if we have a princess or a junior for real, huh?”

“What are you betting on?” I asked.

“Honey, you know I don’t gamble.”

“You took a gamble and decided to make a life with me.”

“And it’s been more rewarding than anything I’ve ever done.”

“Even more than the time you won all that money?”

“No amount of money can come close to what I have with you.”

I smiled as Kenny let me go and walked toward the door. I wanted so much to hear him say he loved me, but I was trying to understand his reluctance and not pressuring him by telling him how much I loved him.

Maybe someday he’d be able to say it to both me and his family because I knew without a doubt how much they loved him.

◆◆◆

KENNY

“I think I’ve got it set up,” I said as I looked around the room and then back at the screen. “The test run worked, so we’re all good.”

Garner winced before he said, “It would suck to think you’re recording this momentous event only to find out that it didn’t work and it’s lost forever.”

“No pressure or anything,” Chief, Cydney’s youngest brother, said before he took a sip of beer. “This is only the biggest moment of both of your lives so far.”

“I know what you’re thinking,” Garner said with a grin.

“I doubt it.”

“You’re wondering how long it will take my mom to forgive you after you beat the shit out of him.”

I barked out a laugh before I said, “Holy shit! You’re psychic!”

“Are we ready?” Cydney called out from her spot on the couch where she was sandwiched between Carrie and Chelle. “I’m too excited to wait any longer. Come on, you guys!”

“Damn. Your sisters are hot,” Garner said with a sigh. He looked over at Chief and asked, “Technically, they’re not really family, right?”

“They’re not my sisters,” I confirmed.

Chief scoffed before he said, “If they’re not, then they do a damn good impression. They give you almost as much shit as we have to take from Squid and Tad.”

“And your parents . . . their parents . . . whatever they are . . . always step in to keep the peace just like our parents.”

“Didn’t I hear your mom say something about letting Tad take you out on the balcony and choke you until your face turns purple?”

“Yeah,” Chief said with a shrug.

“She was keeping the peace by making them take it outside so nothing gets broken because that’s when she has to step in and start bashing heads,” Garner explained.

“A few years ago when we were having game night, Squid broke the coffee table, and Mom lost her shit.”

“Because she broke the coffee table?” I asked in shock. I glanced over at Ella and wondered if I’d misjudged her somehow. She seemed so even-tempered that I had no problem imagining her taking care of Junior, but if she was prone to overreaction when something happened to a material object, maybe I should reconsider. I said, “I can’t imagine your mom getting that upset about a piece of furniture.”

“I think she was more upset that Squid body-slammed Tad right in the middle of it,” Chief explained.

“What?”

Garner scoffed before he said, “What was Squid supposed to do? Tad wouldn’t quit talking shit.”

“I was in prison with men who were less prone to violence than the people in your family.”

Chief and Garner both nodded as if that made perfect sense, and I chuckled as I walked away from them to get this reveal started. Once I pulled Cydney up from her seat, I held her hand as we joined Tad at the table we had set up earlier today. When Cydney expressed that she wanted to have one of those gender reveal parties like I’d seen all over social media, I expected confetti or balloons, but she insisted that Tad do something different. Of course, since Tad was the scientist in the family, it was easy for her to come up with a unique twist on the ceremony.

While we waited for Tad to hand us the vials of liquid she had created just for this occasion, I pulled Cydney into my arms and gave her a kiss. She kissed me back and then smiled at me before she turned to face her sister who was filling a glass beaker with clear liquid. Finally, she handed each of us a vial and then smiled at us before she walked away.

“How hard was it for you to keep the secret?” Chelle asked Tad while she got settled on the couch next to her parents.

“It almost killed me which is probably why Squid chose me to keep their secret,” Tad said cheerfully. “When I have a kid someday, I’m going to make her the keeper of the information just so she knows how much it sucks.”

“You need to hurry up and do that so the princess has someone to pick on,” Cydney teased.

Grady glared at Cydney and then turned his frown on Tad. She put her hands up and said, “Not any time soon!”

“Thank you,” Grady muttered.

“What does everyone think it is?” Cydney asked as I settled my arm over her shoulders. As everyone in the room called out their predictions, she smiled at me and asked, “Final thoughts? Princess or Junior?”

“Princess.”

“I think it’s a boy.”

“Hurry up! I’m dying over here,” Tad yelled.

I used my thumb to pop the top off my vial while Cydney carefully opened hers. We leaned forward together and held our vials on each side of the beaker while everyone in the room counted down. The second they finished, we poured our vials into the beaker, and the liquid instantly turned blue.

The room erupted into chaos as Cydney dropped her vial on the table and threw her arms around me with tears streaming down her cheeks. I hugged her tightly and then gave her a kiss before I whispered, “I guess you were right on the first try.”

“I’m so excited!” Cydney said before she kissed me again. “Are you happy?”

“Happier than I’ve ever been,” I said sincerely as I tried to take a deep breath. For some reason, my chest was too tight to let me, but I ignored the feeling and joined Cydney in accepting congratulations from her family and the Turners.

It took a few minutes, but I was finally able to get away and take a minute to myself to calm my racing heart and get enough oxygen in me to keep from passing out in the middle of the chaos. I shut the bathroom door behind me and then leaned against the wall and tried to use the tricks I’d learned while helping Cydney and the girls through their anxiety.

Nothing was working, and the pain in my chest was just getting worse when I heard someone tap lightly on the door. It happened again, and then Cydney called my name, and I could tell that she was worried.

“I’ll be out in just a minute, babe,” I managed to choke out as I slid down the wall to sit on the floor. “Go out and have fun. I’ll join you in a bit.”

Cydney opened the door, and it bumped my leg, so she stuck her head in and said, “No.”

“Just give me a few minutes, honey.”

Cydney pushed her way into the room and then shut the door behind her before she dropped down and straddled my lap. She put her hands on my cheeks and then leaned closer so her forehead was resting on mine before she whispered, “Breathe with me, sweetheart.”

“I can’t breathe,” I whispered before I sucked in a breath through my nose. “My chest hurts, and I can’t. I’m dizzy and . . . I can’t.”

Cydney took another calming breath and ran her hands through the hair on the sides of my head before she started massaging my scalp, rubbing and scratching at the same time, and somehow taking my mind off my lack of oxygen.

“Talk to me, baby,” Cydney whispered. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“Can’t right now,” I managed to wheeze out.

Cydney kept rubbing, breathing in and out so I could mimic her, all the while rubbing my scalp and trying to get me to relax. She quietly asked, “Have you ever seen a picture of Van Gogh’s Irises? ” I nodded my head, remembering the print from an art class I’d taken in prison. “Did you know that the irises are really purple?”

“Blue.”

“After he cut off his ear, they put him in a psychiatric hospital. He painted hundreds of pictures while he was there, and most of them reflected what he saw around him. The irises were outside in the garden, a big cluster of them that are still there today actually, but they’re purple.”

“Blue.”

“Tad could probably explain it better than I can, but they did a study of that painting to see why he painted them blue when the real ones were purple. It turns out that the red paint he mixed with the blue contained bromide which breaks down over time when exposed to UV rays. It faded out until only the blue was left, but what he started with was purple. Over time, what he knew and saw faded until it was something completely different.”

Cydney was quiet for a few seconds and then said, “You’re the irises that were Van Gogh’s muse, Kenny. He took something wonderful and made it real, but over time and with outside influences, it had changed into something completely different. Your childhood was the red that slowly faded away, but me and the Turners are the blue that’s going to be here forever. We’re here to help you and plan to stick by your side for the rest of your life even if you don’t want to think that we belong or that we even will. You’ve got a family who loves you, and I’m part of it. We’re going to prove to you that family does stick together and doesn’t have to share your DNA, just your heart.”

“I’m gonna fuck this up,” I whispered frantically. “I’m gonna fuck him up because I’m fucked up, and I don’t know how not to be fucked up because my dad was fucked up and . . . Shit. What if he grows up and hates me? What if you start to hate me because I suck at this? I don’t know how to be a dad. I don’t know how to be part of a family because I’ve never had one. I can’t do this! Both of you are better off without me.”

“Bullshit to all of the above,” Cydney said softly. “You’re the best big brother Court, Chelle, and Carrie could have asked for. You’re the son Frank and Debbie never knew they wanted but are so glad that they found. You’re a great uncle to their kids, who adore you, and you’re wonderful to me just like you’ll be wonderful to Junior.”

“I’m not . . . I’m not part of . . .”

“If you weren’t part of their family, then Debbie and the girls wouldn’t be crying tears of joy at the thought of another little boy growing up with their children. If you weren’t part of their family, then Frank wouldn’t be strutting around the living room with my dad talking about all the things he’s going to teach Junior. So far they’ve got him winning fishing competitions, building a motorcycle, and racing for NASCAR.”

I was trying to concentrate on the feeling of Cydney’s hands in my hair but found myself laughing at the image of Grady and Frank strutting around while trying to predict my son’s future.

“I’m gonna have a son, Cyd.”

“We are, and we’ll learn together, sweetie. That’s what parents do.”

“I don’t know what real parents do.”

“Yes, you do because you’ve been watching Frank and Debbie parent you since the first time they showed up in court to defend you when they didn’t have to do anything of the sort.”

“You know about that?”

“I do. I found out that first night we were in Vegas when you took me to their house for dinner.”

“They were crazy to stick by me, but they did it anyway.”

“Because that’s what family is all about, Kenny. My dad isn’t the one who helped make me, but he has loved me since we met all those years ago.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Yes, it is. You broke into the right house at the right time and did the right thing when it would have been easier to just run. But you didn’t, and your reward for being you is having the family you never even let yourself dream of.”

Cydney ran her thumbs over my cheeks, and I realized I was crying - something I hadn’t done since I was a small child. It didn’t help at all - if anything, it just made life worse. She didn’t shame me for it, though. Instead, she joined me, and I watched the tears stream down her cheeks.

“I love you, Kenny Hawkes. No matter what you do or what you say, I’ll always love you. Junior is going to love you because you’re going to be a great dad. You’re going to be the dad you wished you had when you were a kid but probably a little over the top to make up for all that you missed, and that’s perfectly okay. Someday when our son turns into a man and has children of his own, he’s going to know he’ll be a good dad because he had such a great example in you.”

“I’m not sure about that,” I said before I sniffed and reached up to put my hands on top of hers. “You know what I am sure of?”

“What?”

“I’m certain that this feeling inside me that’s been growing and growing until it has almost filled me up is love. I love you, Cydney.”

“I love you, too, and together, we’re gonna love the shit out of this baby.”

“Damn right we are.”