14. Kat

14

"Well, why don't you tell me, then?" I softly ask.

Nik remains silent for a long while, seemingly lost in thought. Eventually, he sighs. "It's a long story. One that I wish you never had to learn. It doesn't paint me in a good light, Kat. But I guess you should hear it if we're going to do this." He pauses, and I wait for him to go on, barely daring to breathe, fearing that any disruption might make him change his mind about sharing this chapter of his life with me.

"I don't remember exactly how old I was when I met Maxim, but I'm sure I was barely ten," Nik says. "Maxim was around the same age but much more experienced. My parents had just kicked me out, but he had been by himself for most of his life by then. We were fast friends, always looking out for each other. Even before the bratva came along. But eventually, it did come along, as it usually does for boys in our circumstances. I suppose things could've changed then, but luckily, our friendship remained the same. There was so much backstabbing and internal violence within the bratva ranks back then, before I became the pakhan. Things were very different for a young shestyorka back in those days. I'd like to think I changed that for the better." He shrugs.

Still staring ahead, Nik adds, "Maxim and I—we were so young and hungry, so desperate to improve our circumstances. We also had nothing to lose but each other. A man with nothing to lose is a very dangerous man, Kat. That's how Maxim and I survived early on. It's how we rose through the ranks. It's how I became the pakhan. But I'm rambling."

He laughs under his breath humorlessly, and I take the opportunity to interject. "Nik?—"

I press a tender kiss on his back, but he shakes his head, cutting me off. "No, Kat. Don't pity me. I don't deserve or want your pity."

"Nik, I've told you I don't pity you."

He resumes his tale, disregarding my interruption. "We were still pretty young when I found the Flame of Mir. Maxim was so happy for me. He saw it as a good omen, as a sign of great things to come. Of course, he wanted me to sell it for capital so we could gather the resources to take over the bratva right then. I couldn't do it, though. I suppose part of me bought into his sentimental nonsense, and I couldn't bring myself to part with it. I guess it was also the beginning of my collection. Over time, I started to think of it as a symbol of all the good, admirable things about me and my journey. I'd look at it, and it would remind me of how far I've come, of how proud of myself I was for overcoming the shit hand I'd been dealt. It also reminded me of Maxim and the bond we shared. After all, he was there through it all. I couldn't have done any of it without him."

Nik's words almost tear me in half. A sharp, burning sensation rips through my chest as it fully sinks in—I took the diamond from him and gave it to the stronzo. It was bad enough when I thought I had stolen something of inestimable monetary value. But to know it meant so much for him on a personal level…

And just like that, my determination and resolve to return the Flame of Mir to Nik are renewed. I will get it back for him no matter what. The only way the stronzo gets to keep it is over my dead body.

Completely unaware of the havoc his words wreaked in me, Nik says, "I was very young when I became the pakhan. At least if compared to my predecessor and my peers in the other six families. My position wasn't so secure back then. I was desperate not to return to where I started, so I did everything I could to solidify my hold over the bratva. Most of the heads of the other families stayed neutral towards me at first, waiting to see what I was made of before supporting me or not. I don't blame them. McGuire, however, reached out to me. He offered to mentor me and was even open to publicly supporting me. That would have been a huge coup for me back then, Kat. The Irish have always controlled the port; if I could get him on my side, the sky was the limit for me. We became friendly and even a little close. He told me he had been struggling to subdue some unrest among his men. He seemed genuinely concerned, mentioning his worry over his daughter's safety over and over again. Eager as I was to consolidate our alliance, I offered him the perfect solution—the only way to make sure his daughter was safe from his men was to bring an outsider to protect her. Someone whose loyalties weren't in question."

Maxim.

Breathlessly, I wait for Nik to continue, wrapping my arms around his waist so he won't see my hands shaking.

Nik mindlessly caresses my hands before continuing, his voice as emotionless as ever. "I'm sure you can guess what happened next. I volunteered the services of my best man. I sang all of Maxim's praises to McGuire, raving about how there was no better man for the job. I assured him there was no one I trusted more, and McGuire was more than happy to accept my offer. By then, tales of my takeover of the bratva had spread, and Maxim's reputation had grown exponentially with them. I was very proud of myself for arranging all that, Kat. I thought nothing could go wrong, and McGuire would soon fall to his knees to thank me. But not long after, I realized my mistake once I learned Maxim was involved with Erin McGuire. Unfortunately for Maxim, it could never be. Not only was the princess of the Irish family completely out of his league, but she had been promised to Lorenzo Salvatore, the heir of the Italian famiglia, since they were kids."

Upon hearing the familiar last name, I freeze. I never had the pleasure of meeting Lorenzo in person, but his uncle—also known as the stronzo—was, unfortunately, an acquaintance of mine. Immediately, I force my body to relax. I don't want to alarm Nik and cause him to stop his story. I also can't afford to have him question my sudden, visceral response to the Italian name.

Thankfully, Nik is too immersed in his memories to notice my reaction. Tensing, he says, "When it came out that Erin was cheating on Lorenzo with Maxim, the engagement was broken. It was a huge scandal. McGuire was furious that his alliance with the Italians would never come to be and that his daughter's virginity had been taken by someone he saw as unworthy of her. The Italians weren't thrilled, either. Giuseppe Salvatore, the reigning boss, was livid that his nephew and heir had been publicly humiliated. If I could go back in time, Kat, I would do things differently, but you have to understand—I was new at this job, and I struggled to find a way to protect both Maxim and the bratva. My back was against the wall, so I took the path of least resistance. I couldn't have possibly withstood a war against both the Italians and the Irish back then, so I did what I could to appease them. I made massive concessions to them, and I exiled Maxim. I sent him back to Siberia, even when he told me how much he cared for Erin."

I sigh, holding him even tighter. "Oh, Nik. I'm so sorry."

Nik grasps one of my hands wrapped around his waist, bringing it to his lips. Mindlessly, he brushes a kiss against it before returning it to where it rested against his stomach.

"Eventually, I got to a point where I felt like I didn't have much to fear from McGuire or Salvatore. That's when I brought Maxim back home, hoping I could fix things between us. Of course, thanks to McGuire, we'll never know. Now all I have left of Maxim is the unresolved issues between us, all the things we left unsaid…" Nik's pained tone and poignant words make my chest ache.

"Oh, Nik, no," I say, coming around to face him. After wrapping my arms around his neck, I kiss his mouth. "That's not true. I didn't have the pleasure of knowing Maxim, but I know that just can't be true. In everything you do, I see how much he meant to you. Whenever you speak of him, I see the love between the lines. He left you with much more than your regrets and your need to avenge him. The bond you shared and your love for each other will always be with you. No one—not McGuire, Maxim, or even you—can change that."

Nik groans as his mouth oppressively crushes mine. He grabs the back of my neck with one hand, pulling me into his kiss as his fingers sink into my hair. His other arm tightens around me just below my hips, lifting me. He turns around, setting me down on the edge of his desk before stepping between my legs. I wrap them around his waist, drawing him closer.

Between the feverish, open-mouthed kisses Nik rains on my face, my neck and my shoulders, he says, "I don't know what the fuck I did to deserve you, Kat, but whatever it was, thank God I did. Thank God."

With a pained moan, I pull Nik's face back towards mine. I kiss him long and hard, urging him to realize what I can't put into words—hoping he'll understand how much I need him.

Somehow, he does. Somehow, I understand he feels the same.

Soon, my fingers are undoing his zipper as his hand pulls my underwear aside. I wrap my hand around his thick length, and he curses under his breath. His fingers sink into me, and I gasp, biting his shoulder to curb my scream of pleasure.

Impatiently, I draw him closer, guiding him inside me. The now-familiar, focused look on his face tells me he intends to torture me, slowly entering me inch by inch. But I have no intention of cooperating with this ridiculous plan of his.

As I press my ankles against Nik's superbly formed ass, I slide my hips forward at once, and his cock enters me in one deep plunge.

Our groans echo in synchronized bliss, and I smirk at him, leaning back over his desk.

With a shake of his head, Nik bends over until his mouth touches my neck. He playfully nips at my ear before ruefully whispering, "Bad girl."

While tracing his way down my neck with languid, wet kisses, Nik reaches the area where my neck meets my shoulder. He takes his time there, lavishly worshiping my skin with his mouth and tongue. Then, without warning, he bites me almost too hard, beginning to move his hips in a punishing rhythm.

"Nik…" I say in a breathless moan.

"You're mine, Kat," he groans, his lips trembling against my skin as he brings us closer and closer to the edge. "I can't lose you. I'll never, ever let you go, kiska. Never, you hear me?"

I nod, dragging my nails down his back. "Yeah, Nik. Yours. I'm yours, and you're mine."

The responding sound that leaves Nik's throat comes from deep inside his chest, and I feel it to my core. It's more growl than groan, and I know he's past the point of no return by the way his hips grind against mine.

Nik bends low to kiss me again while his hand between my legs searches for the spot he knows will make me yield everything to him. I cry out into his mouth when he finds it. His fingers expertly work it until it drives me wild.

"Say it again," he rasps between thrusts. "I want you to look into my eyes and tell me who you belong to as you come around my dick."

"Fuck," I moan, throwing my head back.

His hand reaches my breast, mercilessly pinching my nipple until I cry out in a mix of pain and pleasure.

"Look at me and say it." He slows down the movements of his hips, tightening his hold on the tip of my breast.

"You," I say with a gasp, gazing into his crazed eyes. "I belong to you."

"Good girl," he groans, resuming his thrusting.

His fingers find my clitoris again, as he frantically fucks me hard enough to make my teeth clatter. In a few heartbeats, I lose it, diving head-first into the abyss. Nik rushes to join me. With one final deep thrust, he buries himself deep inside me, and we climax together.

Time seems to stand still as I lie in his arms, savoring the feel of him on me, in me. I sigh, relaxed from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. He nuzzles me, his face against mine.

Nik and I wordlessly stare into each other's eyes for countless moments until his eyes start glimmering with amusement. "What's it?" he asks, his voice deliciously hoarse and raspy.

I shrug. "Nothing. I was going to comment that your mood seems to have vastly and miraculously improved. That's good for your health, you know. I'm good for you health."

Nik smiles, all gorgeous. He glances over my head, and his grin turns into a frown. He groans.

"What's the matter now?" I ask with a chuckle.

"The door. We never shut it. It's wide open."

Nik quickly zips up his pants before hurrying towards it. I can't help but laugh as I watch him.

He returns to me just as I'm done straightening my clothes. Tenderly, he helps me get down from his desk.

"I take it there's no chance we're home alone?" I ask, ruefully amused.

Nik shakes his head. "No. But my men know better than to invade our privacy. Still…" He grimaces.

I shrug, still laughing. "Well, they sure got an earful. We weren't particularly quiet."

"I know. I'm sorry, Kat," he says, scowling.

I pat his hand reassuringly, trying to make light of it. "It's okay, Nik. I'll survive. At least word will spread around that you're taken now."

Nik's eyes melt as he smiles. His arms wrap around me. "You're going to unman me, I swear."

I scoff against his chest. "I sure hope not. I have a healthy appreciation for how much of a man you are, trust me."

Laughing, he kisses me slowly.

Eventually, I pull away. While looking into his eyes, I say, "I meant what I said earlier, Nik. I want you to take it easy. You're way too hard on yourself. You must take a page from my book and carpe diem a little. Tell me, is there anything I can do to help? There has to be."

With a dismissive shake of his head, Nik shuts me down. "The last thing I want is to burden you with my problems."

"You're not. I'm offering you my help—willingly and free of charge. It's a rare, rare occasion. You shouldn't waste it."

Nik teases me with a dramatic, over-the-top sigh. "My charitable beauty. A veritable Mother Theresa."

I roll my eyes. "I'm serious."

"I know. But you already help me so much by just being around me. More than you know."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm great in the sack. Tell me something I don't know. But surely you realize that I have more to offer than earthshaking orgasms."

Nik howls with laughter. "Oh, Kat?—"

"What if I called some of my contacts to see what they know? Maybe some of my people have heard something about where McGuire's hiding."

Nik hesitates. "I don't want you to get even more involved in this mess than you already are."

"It would just be a couple of phone calls, Nik. There's no risk at all. What's the worst that could happen to me? Carpal tunnel syndrome?"

Eventually, he agrees. "All right. A couple of phone calls should be fine, but don't go out of your way to go the extra mile or something like that. I mean it, Kat."

"I won't, I swear. Is there anything else I can do? I'd love to get stuff off your plate so you can relax a little."

With a smile, Nik kisses my forehead. "Just be safe. Stay out of trouble."

"Your wish is my command. Consider it done. Well, I'll do my best, at least. I can promise you that much."

"I'd greatly appreciate it if you could stay at the penthouse until we catch McGuire. Knowing where you are—and that you are safe—at all times will put me at ease."

"I'll keep that in mind. Now, why don't you sit down and have a drink while I call some people? I don't have my phone on me. I'll be back in two shakes."

Nik ruefully shakes his head at me, scoffing with outraged amusement. Nonetheless, he does what I ask him to do.

I glance at him before exiting the room, and something about the shadows under his eyes and the tension already returning to his shoulders give me pause. Nik's story about how the Flame of Mir came into his life returns to the forefront of my mind. It pains me to know that I took something so special from him and handed it to someone so undeserving. It must've been an immense blow to lose the diamond, just as he learned his best friend was gone forever.

Even worse, I'm forced to face an uncomfortable possibility—once Nik is no longer burdened by his quest to avenge his friend, will he realize he's not over me stealing the diamond? Will he resent me forever? Will he ever forget that our relationship started with betrayal?

I know better than to waste my time wondering about what might or might not happen. My energy is better spent controlling the controllable, so I must focus on retrieving the jewel. After all, it'll be a cold day in hell before I let the stronzo ruin my future.

Nik smiles at me quizzically, puzzled by my intense stare. For a moment, I hesitate. Maybe I should tell him the truth about my plans and my involvement with the stronzo. Deceitfulness and subterfuge come much more naturally to me than unrestricted honesty. I'm many things—an open book isn't one of them. But keeping these secrets from Nik has started to not sit right with me, especially now that he's shared with me these painful stories about his past. Still, it's hard to speak of a secret I've kept for so long openly. A secret that isn't just my own.

I also can't help but worry that his instinct to protect me could become a problem. I have no doubts I'm capable of safely retrieving the Flame of Mir once I know where the damned thing is. But I have a feeling Nik would disagree with me. I suspect he'd try to stop me.

Still, my heart wins, and I find myself saying, "Nik, about the Flame of Mir. I've been thinking?—"

Nik's distracted gaze raptly focuses on me. Now that I know how much the diamond means to him, I'm not exactly shocked by his eagerness to learn more about its fate. And, to be fair, it must frustrate him I've kept this secret from him for so long. It's the one part of me I've denied him, and I know he is dying to have me yield all of myself to him at last.

But, more than ever, I understand how vital it is that I make amends for taking the Flame of Mir. I know for a fact that I won't be able to move on if Nik decides he can't get over the fact that I stole it from him.

Because I know how protective he is of me—and how stubborn he can be—I decide against telling him my secret just yet. I'll gladly tell him everything eventually. But I just can't lose him. If I tell Nik what Giuseppe Salvatore, the stronzo, put me through, he'll set out to destroy the man without a second thought.

The idea of Nik and the bratva facing the Italians and the Irish at the same time makes me shudder. I can't bear the thought of him succumbing to his foe or mine because his resources are stretched thin between a war on two fronts.

The old Nikolai Stefanovich might have been able to cooly assess the situation before rushing into any ill-advised actions. But my Nik will undoubtedly just storm out in a fit of righteous rage to punish the man who hurt me, consequences be damned.

Above all else, I can't allow that outcome. It's my duty and my right to protect him from himself.

"You were saying? About the Flame of Mir?" Nik says, disrupting my reverie, and I realize I've been staring at him in silence.

I smile at him, my heart aching. I don't bother hiding my sadness as I tell him what I can for now. "There are no words to express how sorry I am for taking it. I never knew it meant so much to you. I hate that you lost it just as you lost your best friend, too. I'm sorry that's how our relationship started. I wish I could go back in time and change what I did, but I can't, and I'm so sorry, Nik."

He is next to me in a heartbeat, embracing me with no hint of hesitation or resentment. "It's okay, Kat," he says against my hair. "Please don't get upset over this. I can't bear to see you sad—least of all because of me. And the diamond doesn't even matter to me anymore. I mean it. I appreciate the sentiment, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. I couldn't give less of a fuck about it. You said you'd go back in time and do things differently if you could, but I'd beg you not to. I wouldn't dare change a single thing that happened in the past. Not if there's any chance it would keep you from coming into my life."

I gasp against his chest. "You don't mean that."

"I do, Kat. I really do. I'd give up every cent I have, the blood in my veins, the skin off my back, anything—if it meant I'd end up right here, right now, with you in my arms."

I drag Nik's mouth to mine, praying I can show him all I feel, even when my words fall short. He returns my kiss with his usual abandon, and I lose myself in his embrace.