24. Monroe

TWENTY-FOUR

monroe

Groaning, I rolled my face into Zepp's pillow and inhaled the scent of him that clung to it. It was only when I shifted to my back and felt cold air touch my chest that I opened my eyes. I was naked. Well, except for my boots.

My head pounded like a marching band, and my stomach threatened to rebel when I sat up. Zepp sat at his desk, sweeping a pencil over a page. A little concentration line sunk between his brows, cutting into the perfect planes of his face. It wasn't Zepp himself, though, that had my heart racing in my chest. It was the sight of the used condom on the nightstand. I remembered kissing him, sucking his dick, and then, nothing. How was I so drunk that I wouldn't remember that? I took stock of my body because surely, I would know. I'd feel it.

"Uh, did we…" I pulled the sheet up over my body.

"Have sex?" Seconds of silence ticked by while he continued drawing. "No."

"Okay. Good." I didn't mean to sound so relieved.

He shook his head, his pencil sweeping faster over the page. "Good, huh?"

"No. Just, good because I don't remember that happening." And I didn't want to forget something like that. I fell back against the pillow.

He turned around in his chair, one arm still braced on his desk and a smug grin on his face. "It wasn't for your lack of trying, though. A for effort."

The way he said it had embarrassment creeping over me, and my cheeks grew hot. "I'm sorry."

Contemplation played out on his face. "You wanna know what stopped me?" He pushed up from the chair and started across the room.

I busied myself by kicking off my boots, trying not to look at him when he sat on the edge of the bed."That I was shit faced drunk and probably really unappealing?"

"Oh, you were very appealing." He squeezed my thigh. "So it wasn't that."

My mind raced as I cringed. I knew Zepp wanted to screw me. Badly. I could only imagine what I had possibly done to put him off. I groaned. "What happened?"

"So. No memory of me eating your pussy?" His teeth raked his bottom lip. "That's a fucking shame."

The thread of memory flickered through my mind. Me grabbing his hair, thrusting into his face. Oh, God. "Maybe a little."

"What about you asking me if it would hurt?"

I literally felt the color drain from my face.

"Not if I would hurt you. But if it would hurt. Like you had no idea what to expect." His hand left my thigh, and his hard gaze set on me. No, I did not tell him that. Screw beer and all its consequences. Why? Why ? I fixed my gaze on the ceiling. "What else did I say?"

"You're a virgin."

I slowly focused on him, wrestling with my embarrassment. "Is that an issue?" I could hear the accusation in my voice.

"No."

"Great. Well then, can we not talk about it?" I moved to the edge of the mattress.

"Why are you getting defensive?"

I snatched up my bra from the floor and slipped it on, then pushed to my feet while I tugged on my skirt. "I'm not. I just…" I found my panties on the other side of the bed and dragged them up my legs. "Don't feel like discussing this."

He rounded the bed and grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. "The only reason I didn't fuck the absolute shit out of you last night was that, as selfish as I wanted to be, I couldn't do that to you."

The tension trickled away from me. This boy had me dangerously on the ropes. My heart was ready to hop out of my chest and lay itself at his feet. And that was terrifying.

I gripped the front of his shirt and pressed my lips to his. "Thank you."

I had promised Jade I would study with her, even though I felt like complete ass. Jade answered her door with an oversized hoodie pulled over her head. Jade looked like she hadn't slept in a week, thanks to the ring of mascara smeared below her eyes.

"You look how I feel," I said, slipping inside the entranceway.

"I have the worst hangover of all time."

We cut through her living room toward her room, passing her dad laid out on the sofa, watching a football game.

Sunlight streamed in through the window, bouncing off Jade's bubblegum-pink walls. The brightness was unbearable to look at with my headache. I squinted before taking off my boots and collapsing onto her bed, the open books beside me bouncing from the sudden weight.

"You're actually studying?" I asked, thumbing through some of the pages. God, I didn't think my brain could process anything right now.

"Yeah, hangover or not, I have a math test next week." And like me, Jade was hoping for straight A s and a scholarship into a college.

"I don't remember half of last night." I traced my finger over the stitching on Jade's comforter.

"Well, you were all over Zepp. I can tell you that much."

I groaned.

"Oh my God." Jade grabbed one of the fuzzy bears on her bed and whacked me with it. "Tell me you did not lose your virginity while shit faced."

"No! Luckily, Zepp was chivalrous." And I still didn't know quite what to make of that.

"Wait." She dropped the stuffed animal. "I thought he didn't know—"

I let out a sigh and flopped back onto the bed, hanging my head over the edge. "Yeah, well, apparently I told him."

"It's kind of ironic, though, right? Zepp Hunt is the hottest guy in school. And you're the only girl he's ever dated." She nudged me with her foot. "A virgin who won't sleep with him." She cackled at that last statement.

"Zepp screws a lot of girls." I focused on her pink lampshade, trying to push down the sick feeling that crawled up my stomach anytime I thought about him with any of those girls. "What if I sleep with him and that's it?" I closed my eyes, voicing the one fear that held me back with Zepp. "What if the only reason he even wants me is that he can't have me?"

"You're kidding, right?" She snorted. "God, Monroe. He looks at you like… I can't even explain it." She shook her head.

"Anyway, enough about me. We need to study."

I found it hard to focus, though.

My mind kept veering back to Zepp. And that was the way of things more and more these days. Sometimes it felt like I was only happy when I was with him. And that was where the dilemma was. Being dependent on another person for happiness couldn't be a good thing. Life had taught me that much, but he was like a drug I couldn't deny myself. And though I had planned to go home, the second I left Jade's, I was texting him.

Me: What are you up to?

Asshole: Heading back from the northside. What R U doing?

I should probably change his name in my phone, even if it did make me smile.

Me: Just leaving Jade's. Want to do something?

Asshole: Eat Ur pussy…

A little ball of heat settled low in my stomach at the thought of Zepp's face between my legs.

Me: Maybe… I'll come to your house.

I did go to Zepp's, but I didn't go in, instead taking him to the outskirts of Dayton.

I turned onto the narrow service road that branched off the highway, allowing my car to roll to a stop in the small clearing at the base of the billboard. I shouldered my backpack as we headed toward the metal ladder attached to the post, then started to climb it.

I hauled myself up onto the platform. It always felt so much higher than it looked from the ground. The setting sun painted the horizon in tones of orange and gold that made the mishmash of small project houses and neon signs from fast-food restaurants almost seem pretty. I dangled my legs over the edge of the platform and grabbed a can of Grapico from my bag, handing it to Zepp when he sank down beside me.

He frowned at the drink like it offended him. "You're shitting me, right?"

I cracked the tab on mine, then tipped it back. "Hey, it's my favorite."

He opened his, staring down into the can. "You know this is pretty much hummingbird food?"

"Let me have my sugar fix. It's definitely not worse than beer and cigarettes."

"Bullshit." He took a sip, then made a face like I had just fed him pure shit.

"Shush. It's good."

He kissed me, then licked over my lips. "Tastes better on you."

"Eww, Zepp." I swiped the back of my sleeve over my mouth, and he laughed.

"You wouldn't be saying that if it were between your legs." His hand went to my thigh, creeping higher and higher.

Despite the breeze up here, my cheeks started burning, and when his fingers crept beneath my skirt, my legs instinctively parted a little. And he immediately took the invitation.

"Now I know why you're so tight."

"Don't act like you haven't been stealing virginities since you were fourteen." My voice came out on a hitched breath as he crooked his fingers.

"I wouldn't know. Never bothered to ask." He pressed his lips to mine before moving to my neck.

"But you wouldn't take mine?"

"You're different."His touch deepened, and something about being above the highway with the cars zooming by underneath us, none the wiser to what was going on, gave me a little thrill.

"If I hadn't been drunk..." My hands gripped the railing hard as that first perfect wave washed over me.

"I would have fucked you until you begged me to stop." Harder. Deeper. "Then, I would have kept going."

His words only stoked the flames until I was burning and shaking, unaware of a single thing that wasn't him. Like coming up from deep waters, I sucked in my first full breath, then looked at Zepp. He licked one finger, then the other, and I knew that look.

"I'm not screwing you on a billboard," I said, half laughing.

"So, it's fine when you're shitfaced but not on a billboard?" He adjusted his dick through his jeans, lifting one brow. "It would be memorable as shit."

"And here I was, thinking you had your heart set on a stolen car."

"I do. A stolen car. And now a billboard…"

"What if I have my heart set on a stolen car?" I bit my lip, teasing him.

"So, what you're saying is, I can't fuck you until I steal another car?"

"You make me sound so demanding."

He stood and made his way toward the ladder, placing one leg on the first rung before glancing up at me. "Give me half an hour."

I laughed and grabbed his hand, pulling him back to me.

He dropped to the platform, placed his spine to the billboard, then pulled me into his lap.

"Back to the billboard idea, huh?" I said.

His lips met mine, fingers digging into my thighs as he pressed up against me. For a moment, I thought about it, but rationality quickly set in. We were on a billboard, with cars passing by, and truthfully, the thought of losing my virginity right here and now made me nervous. I wasn't mentally prepared.

I pulled my mouth from his."I didn't bring you up here for that."

He looked at me, a small line sinking between his brows. "Well, then why the hell did you bring me up here?"

To show him somewhere I came when I needed to get away from shit. But now that I thought about it, I felt stupid. I shrugged a shoulder. "It's fine. We can go back to your house."

He adjusted his dick again, on a barely audible huff. "Why did you bring me up here?"

"It's just a place I like."

He stared out at the horizon, the hum of cars on the interstate below mixing with the buzz of the cicadas in the treetops beside us. "It's important to you?"

"Kind of. Not like there's a whole ton of places to escape in Dayton."

"Why?" Another adjustment. He was trying, but God, he really did have a one-track mind.

"I just come up here to remind myself that there is more than this shit." I climbed out of his lap and sat beside him, glancing over the horizon washed in warm amber from the setting sun. "You can see the state line from here," I said.

He grabbed the can of Grapico from the ledge and took a swig. "You can see the state line...and?"

"And I imagine what it'll be like when I can finally cross it and not look back."

"You think crossing a state line changes shit?"

"Maybe. I don't know." I shrugged. "I like to hope."

He pulled a cigarette from his pocket, lighting it. "It's the same shit over there as it is here, Monroe."

"Don't you hate it here, though? In Dayton."

"Nothing I can do about it."

"So you just accept it? This?" I nodded toward the housing project that was probably better than my mom's trailer.

I was genuinely curious. I felt like I'd spent weeks trying to figure out what made Zepp tick, and I still didn't know. He took care of Hendrix, had the house, dealt weed to pay his way. His situation was hard, but I assumed he would want something more at some point.

There was a long pause. One where Zepp stared out at the horizon, a thin stream of smoke slipped through his lips. "This. That." He nodded in the direction of Barrington. "You think those assholes are happy?"

"I think they go to sleep at night without wondering where their next rent check is coming from, or if the police will come knocking." Or if their mom was going to have overdosed in the night.

He sidled over on the platform until his legs brushed mine. I looked at him, and for a moment, I pictured what our life could be. If we escaped Dayton. For the first time, I dared to see a future for Zepp and me away from this place, but then it was gone. Snuffed out by our reality. I'd never asked him whether or not he wanted to stay in this town. I guess I had just assumed everyone wanted out. Then again, some people wanted out; they just didn't believe they could do it.

"You could do better than Dayton, Zepp."

He took another drag from his cigarette, then chucked it over the edge, sparks skittering the platform. Then he glanced at me, his eyes soft. "Put hope in whatever you need to. But don't put hope like that in me."

"What if I want to?" I whispered, my words barely carrying above the distant hum of traffic.

"Don't."

"You once said I was broken. But you're only really broken when you lose hope." Which made him the damaged one of the two of us, but didn't I already know that?

He was the guy I told myself I didn't want to save. Yet here I was, suddenly wishing I could save him. And I didn't know what that meant.

His fingers trailed my jaw while a deep frown set on his face. "The way I see it, only broken people need hope."

"So what does that make us?" Seconds ticked by.

"Fucked up?" Zepp finally said.

No, it made us both broken. And in that moment, I didn't care if I was. I wanted Zepp to fix me as much as I needed to fix him.

"If you could go anywhere, where would you go?" I asked, staring down at the littered ground feet below.

He took a handful of leaves from the platform, tossing them over the edge. "Don't know."

I wasn't sure if he genuinely hadn't thought about it, or he simply wouldn't voice it.

"What about you?" he asked.

"I just want to go to a beach. Have you ever been?"

He laughed, grabbing a twig from the metal ledge and flinging it into the trees. "Yeah, right. You?"

"No." As if my mom would ever spend her drug money on vacation. I took a sip of my drink. "I imagine it feels like the end of the earth."

"Kinda is."

"It's pretty pathetic that I've never left this shithole town."

He stared at me for several moments before grabbing my hand and pulling us both to our feet. I followed him down the ladder, and when I reached the bottom and turned around, Zepp was standing at the driver's side door of my Pinto, palm out.

"Toss me the keys."

"Why?" I gave them to him. "Where are we going?"

"For a drive."

We climbed in, and Zepp pulled onto the highway, heading the opposite direction from Dayton. A little ball of excitement settled in my chest. I had no idea where we were going, but it felt like I'd been waiting my whole life to just drive in the opposite direction of that damn town.

We drove for hours through country back roads, only stopping once for Zepp to run into a Wal-E-Mart. At some point, I fell asleep, and when I woke up, the first thing I noticed was the headlights shining over dunes of sand.

The dim glow from the dashboard played over Zepp's features. My heart thumped awkwardly in my chest like it had forgotten how to work for a second. "You brought me to the beach?"

"Pretty sure that's what this is," he said with a smart-ass smirk

He brought me to the beach. On a whim. Because I'd never been. No one had ever done anything for me the way Zepp had. And he'd done a lot, expecting nothing in return. He may have been a bad boy, but he was the best person I had ever known.

Grabbing his face, I slammed my lips over his. "I don't deserve you," I breathed against his mouth.

His fingers swept my cheek. "You deserve better."

"There is no one better."

He kissed me again, then turned off the ignition, plunging us into darkness for a moment before he opened his door. "You coming?" He rounded the back and popped the trunk, grabbing a Wal-E-Mart bag before slamming it.

We made our way to the wooden boardwalk. The gentle wash of waves against the shore made me smile. It sounded so much better in person than in the movies. A warm breeze touched my face, whipping through my hair and bringing with it a scent I had never before smelled. Something thick and fresh and inviting that soothed me instantly—salt air.

The worn planks gave way to sand, and I kicked off my boots, sinking my feet into the soft surface, relishing the way it seeped between my toes.

Zepp nearly disappeared in the darkness as he headed toward the water and dropped the bags onto the sand. He pulled out a blanket, fighting against the wind as he spread it out. Before he'd even finished, I pulled my shirt over my head, stepped out of my skirt, and took off to the water.

Warm water rushed around my legs. I waded out thigh-deep before Zepp snatched me around the waist.

His lips brushed my ear. "Does it feel like the end of the world?"

"No." I turned and wrapped my arms around his neck. "Far from it."

"Good." He covered my mouth with his in a kiss, soft and slow. Waves crashed around us, and the kiss grew deeper. "Does it make you happy?" he asked.

I touched his cheek. "You make me happy." The words felt like a confession, though they were simple fact.

"And you used to say you hated me." His hands dropped to my ass. "You also said the last thing you would ever do was fuck me."

"I haven't fucked you yet," I whispered. But I wanted to. Whatever had been holding me back with him had vanished.

"There's some bullshit line about good things coming to fuckers that wait." His fingers dug into my waist. "I'll wait as long as I have to."

I wrapped my legs around his waist, kissing him again. "Well… You don't have to," I said against his lips. The hard length of him pressed against me. "Unless you know, you want to wait a little longer." I fought a smile.

He didn't need much more than that. He carried me out of the surf, his lips never leaving mine when he dropped me onto the blanket. Within seconds, I was naked, his fingers buried deep inside of me while he sucked one of my nipples into his mouth.

"You're sure?" His hands roamed along my side as he reached for the bag.

"I'm sure." A wild tornado of emotions pummeled through me, foreign and overwhelming. I had never felt any kind of attachment to anyone, and of all the people in the world, it was him. Maybe I was stupid, but in that moment, I didn't care. I threaded my fingers through his hair, pulling him close, craving everything he had to give.

His fingers moved in a steady motion inside of me when he brought a foil wrapper to his mouth, tearing it open with his teeth. A nervous flutter took root in my chest when he sat up and put on the condom, and the second his weight settled over me again, my muscles tensed.

He moved between my legs, and for a second, I stopped breathing. He kissed me again, hesitating. "Tell me if it hurts, okay?"

"Okay." My nails dug into his shoulders because he was right there.

He studied me for a moment, his brow creasing before his tongue wet his lips. "Roe. I…"

I could see the words playing out on his face, the same ones I almost wanted to say to him, but I wasn't ready. To hear them or say them.

"It's okay, I trust you," I said in a rush.

And then he pushed into me. Slow. Steady. Each second stealing my breath.

He paused to kiss my neck. "You okay?"

"Yeah."

He went deeper, then stilled on a low groan. "Fuck…"

I just needed to get it over with. Like a Band-Aid. I grabbed his ass and yanked him fully into me. Pain spiked through my core, and breath hissed through my teeth.

"Jesus Christ." His forehead dropped to mine with a hard grunt. "Give me a second."

Every muscle in his body was rigid, and I could practically feel the chains of his restraint tightening around him.

He rocked into me gently. "You feel so fucking good."

The waves washed against the beach, the stars twinkling above us. I'd never felt more connected to another person in my life than I was to him in that moment.

Zepp was everything I never asked for and didn't want, but needed. In a short space of time, he'd become vital to me, the only hope in a bleak world.

"Roe, I can't…" He stilled, pushing into me so hard that it shot a twinge of pain through my stomach.

I slid my palm over his face, and he turned his head, brushing his lips over the inside of my wrist. "It's okay."

His movements grew more stilted. Then his lips slammed over mine on a deep groan.

"One minute." Panting, he collapsed to the blanket beside me. "Just give me one minute. I'll get you off. That was just…" His hand brushed my cheek, and he rolled onto his side. "I couldn't help it."

"I'm fine, Zepp."

A few seconds passed before he moved on top of me, kissing along my throat, then down my body. He nipped at my stomach, flashing me a cocky grin. "I'm gonna make this memorable."

"You brought me to the beach. It couldn't be much more—" My breath hitched when his tongue swiped over me.

"Oh, it can."