22. Monroe

TWENTY-TWO

monroe

Warm breaths trickled over my neck before I slowly pulled away from him. Zepp was hard, the way only someone who was truly broken could be. Now I knew why, and it caused a twinge of pain to tug at my heart.

He leaned against the front grill of the Silverado, and I jumped up onto the hood beside him, resting my feet on the bumper.

"So, you and Hendrix live alone?" I asked.

"Since I was fifteen."

I swallowed around the sudden lump in my throat, picturing a young Zepp grieving for his mother, left to care for his brother. Zepp had to be hard. He didn't have a choice. The world had made Zepp an island of jagged, impenetrable rocks that no one could pass—unless he let them.

"No one came for you when your mom died?"

He traced a pattern over the dusty hood. "My uncle didn't tell the state he was fucking off to Florida. And I sure as hell wasn't going to say anything and get my ass put in foster care."

"I get it." I'd been in foster care twice when my mom had overdosed. No one wanted to be at the mercy of the system. "So, you take care of Hendrix?"

"We take care of each other."

His pain was visceral, lingering in the air like a toxic gas, and I wanted him not to feel so alone at that moment. I grabbed his hand, and he glanced down at our interlocked fingers. "Well, you're lucky. That you have him and the guys." Him, Hendrix, Wolf, Bellamy—they were a family of sorts. While I envied it, I was glad he had it.

He shifted, stepping between my legs, and placing his hands on my knees. "And what about you?"

"What about me?"

Those dark eyes searched mine. There was a desperation in them, a panic I'd never seen before. "Do I have you?"

My heart thumped, tripping in my chest like a lovesick little girl. His hands skimmed down my sides to my waist. I didn't need to think about it. I knew he had me, but saying the words felt monumental. It wasn't a simple "you have me," it was also an "I need you."

"Because I need this." His fingers swept my cheek.

Vulnerability equated to pain, and it felt like I was holding out my heart, ready to place it in Zepp's palm where he could easily crush it. Did I trust him not to? It was a simple question, but the truth equated to me jumping off a cliff and hoping he'd catch me. "You have me," I whispered.

His lips pressed to mine. He kissed me like I was oxygen and he was suffocating. It was so much more than a kiss; it felt like a promise, unbreakable and binding. His hands went to my hips, tugging me tight against him.

The sudden explosion of a shotgun rang out, sending dogs barking and howling. I tore away from Zepp, my heart almost exploding through my ribs.

"Hey! Git outta my yard." Another loud bang.

Zepp grabbed my hand, and we took off, sprinting through the rusted heaps to the fence. I climbed over the tall chain link, and Zepp followed, dragging me across the road to the Shit Shack.

"You couldn't have warned me about the crazy redneck who might pop up?"

He leaned against the rotting siding to catch his breath. "He's usually passed out drunk this time of night."

"Outta breath there?" I smirked at him. "You need to stop smoking so much."

"Why? Worried?"

I took the helmet from the handlebars of his bike before throwing a leg over it. "No."

"Liar."

Friday meant school spirit had been vomited all over the halls of Dayton High. Banners hung over doorways. Red and blue ribbons were taped onto the football players' lockers. The cheerleaders pranced around in their skirts, ponytails tied back with prissy bows. The entire thing was gag-worthy.

That morning, Zepp stood at my locker, smirking. "Ready to cage the panthers, Roe?" He chuckled, then slapped a palm over my chest, leaving behind a Cage the Panthers spirit sticker.

"I'm not going today. You can eat shit." I peeled the sticker off, putting it on him.

He pushed away from the wall of lockers and started along beside me. "You're always so angry."

"Tell me this shit doesn't put you in a bad mood." I waved my hand around at the decorations, and Zepp ripped a wad of tinsel off one of the lockers.

"I find it entertaining."

Wolf rounded the corner. A string of ribbons hung around his neck as a makeshift necklace—the cardboard medallion hanging from it covered with glitter and his football number.

Zepp flicked it. "You're such a pussy."

Wolf shoved his shoulder. "Shut up, dude. The girl that made this has big titties and a big ass. I'll wear it if it gets me laid."

A group of deep laughs came from behind us, followed by Chase calling my name. On instinct, I turned around.

He shoved his hands into his pocket. "Can I talk to you?"

I had nothing to say to Chase. He'd pissed me off. Crossed a line. "No, fuck off."

"Ah, come on, Moe." He started toward me. "I just want to apologize."

"I don't want your apology."

Chase half-rolled his eyes. "Why are you always so stubborn?"

"Why are you such a prissy little bitch who listens to gossip?"

Zepp moved between us, shoulders squared and chin lifted. "Why the hell do you need to apologize to her?" He was like a massive, silverback gorilla beating his chest in the middle of Dayton's hallway.

"None of your business, Hunt."

Wolf leaped between Zepp and Chase, arms out like a starfish. "Dude, Zepp. He's the receiver. Can you wait to pummel him until Sunday?"

Chase grabbed Wolf and yanked him to the side. "I don't need your help, Brookes," he snapped. God, he was an idiot.

Wolf dropped his chin on a laugh, then clasped a hand on Chase's shoulder. "Trust me. You do."

"Zepp." My fingers threaded through his. "Come on." I tugged on his hand, trying to move him away from the middle of the hallway while Wolf pushed Chase around a corner.

"Have you fucked him?" Zepp yanked his hand from mine, his brow creased.

My temper spiked instantly."Fuck you." I started toward class without a backward glance.

"Don't get pissed at me. It's a fair question." He was right back beside me. And I wasn't about to argue with him in the hall. I made a beeline to the girls' restroom. The door had barely had a chance to close behind me before it swung back open, and Zepp barreled inside.

The two girls at the mirror hurried out.

"No. I have not fucked him." I folded my arms over my chest, hating that I even dignified him with an answer; Chase was practically like a brother to me.

"He's got a fucking nickname for you."

"We're friends."

"Bullshit." Zepp glared at me. "Guys are not friends with girls."

"Well, we are." I leaned against the sink, glaring at him. "Got a problem with that?"

"Yeah, I do." He inched toward me, and I straightened. "Gotta problem with that ."

"You don't own me, Zepp."

His eyes narrowed. "What's he apologizing for, Roe?"

"Nothing I can't handle on my own."

With every second that passed, the anger on Zepp's face deepened. "Well, he did something." He gave one curt nod, nostrils flaring like a psychotic bull. "That's all I need," he said, moving for the door.

"Wait. What?" I rushed after him. "What are you doing?"

He was already rounding the corner.

"Zepp, you fucking psycho."

His long legs ate up the ground, and I got lost in a sea of students who didn't part for me the way they did for him. By the time I found him, Chase was pinned against a locker, clutching a bloody lip while Zepp growled words in his face.

"I was a dick!" Chase said.

"Why?" Zepp banged Chase against the metal wall.

"I thought she had fucked Harford." Chase's eyes shifted to me. "I'm sorry, Moe. I didn't mean—"

Zepp punched him again before stepping back. Chase slumped to the floor.

"The receiver, man!" Wolf clutched at his head. "Dammit, Zepp."

Zepp grabbed my waist and dragged me down the hall.

I elbowed him in the ribs. "You're a psycho, you know it?"

"You make me one."

"Don't blame me—"

"You think a friend would get pissed off because they think you fucked somebody?"

"I…" I didn't have an answer for that.

A smug smirk shaped his lips. "Guys aren't just friends with girls, Roe. Accept that."

He kissed me before he walked off. He was wrong, though. Chase was just a friend.

I spent the next two periods thinking about how much of a lunatic Zepp was. I shouldn't have liked it, and since part of me did, maybe that made me just as bad as him.

"Monroe James," my name crackled over the intercom, pulling me out of my thoughts. "You're needed in the office to check out."

I hadn't been checked out of school since I was in elementary school. I got up and slowly put away my books before heading to the office.

The secretary passed a check-out slip over the counter, a sympathetic frown on her face. "It'll be okay, sweetheart." She clasped her wrinkled hand over mine like someone had died. Maybe my mom had finally killed herself with that shit she put in her veins. "They said they'd pick you up out front."

"Uh. Thanks?"

She buzzed me through the front entrance, and I stared out over the parking lot, looking for Jerry's Camaro. Fear churned in my gut, because if she was dead, what would Jerry try to do?

Cigarette smoke wafted past. "My condolences," Zepp said, stepping out from the side of the school.

"Is this you?" I waved the piece of paper around.

"What?" Smoke billowed from his lips. "You wanted to go to the pep rally instead?"

I rolled my eyes. "A little warning would've been nice. I thought my mom was dead."

He said nothing.

"Wait, tell me you didn't kill someone."

"Actually, I paid a hooker five bucks to call in." He chucked his smoke to the ground. "Old Betty at the front office knows my voice."

It was quite sweet. For Zepp. His fingers swept over my cheek, dark eyes studying me as he tipped back my face. Warm lips brushed mine before he tossed an arm around my shoulder, and we started walking toward his bike. "God rest your Grandpa Joe's soul." He snorted a laugh.

He pulled out of the school parking lot and sped down the highway that led into Dayton.

Two games into Call of Duty , and I had beat him both times. He tossed down the controller and huffed. "I never should have taught you how to play."

"The student has become the master."

"Does that mean anything I teach you, you're gonna be the master?" His teeth raked his lip, his gaze dropping to my mouth.

"Depends. What have you got?"

"One thing in particular." His hands went to my waist. "You're so fucking hot." He dragged me into his lap, then pressed his lips to mine. Hard and hungry, the kiss threatened to steal my breath. "You have no idea how bad I want you."

And I wanted him. But I was not ready to have sex with him. There was kissing. There was sex. Then there was that gray area in between that I didn't quite know how to tread. Especially with Zepp. He seemed to be all or nothing, and honestly, if we started something, I wasn't sure how easy it would be to stop. My fingers raked into his hair, pulling him closer. It felt like I couldn't get enough of him, and I wanted more—I just didn't know what exactly.

"You're thinking about it," he whispered against my lips.

"About what?"

"About fucking me." His fingers dug into my hips, each muscle tight with restraint.

Zepp felt like a ticking bomb just waiting to go off. Part of me wanted to push him over the edge, just to see what would happen, but nervous energy wound through my veins, making me hesitate.

He pushed me back on the couch, covering my body with his."What it would be like for me to fuck you, face down on the hood of a car." His hands roamed along my sides.

Heat spiked over my skin, and my lungs suddenly felt too small.

"In my bed," he continued between kisses to my throat. "Against a wall…"

"Hard not to," I said on a ragged breath.

He pressed between my legs, and something else cut through the lust. "If this isn't an invitation, Monroe, you better tell me now."

Was it? I didn't know, but I didn't want him to stop. For the first time in my life, I craved a connection. I wanted things with Zepp I had never wanted with anyone else, but I was terrified what crossing that line with him might mean. "It's not an invitation to fuck me, but... It's something." I stumbled over words while his mouth worked down my throat, his fingers digging into my waist hard enough to bruise.

"We don't have to fuck."

I couldn't help but smile. From Zepp, it was almost chivalrous. It made me feel like I was important to him, and that was all any of us in this shitty life were really seeking: to mean something to someone.

"But, for the love of God, let me do something." His hand wrapped around the back of my neck. Another brutal kiss to my lips.He was everywhere, all-consuming.

My mind lingered somewhere between nervousness and curiosity, while my body demanded more. "Okay," I said, trying to catch my breath.

He rubbed his hand along my thigh. "Good."

His fingers trailed beneath my skirt, slipping between my thighs. There was a moment, a pause where the only sound was my rattling breaths.

"You okay?" He was right there.

"Yeah." I grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him just as his hand slipped inside my panties, then his calloused finger pushed into me.

My breath hitched, and my body tensed before I gave into him.

"Does that feel good, Roe?"

I couldn't think past the feeling of him touching me and the primal need for more. The only response he received was the slight buck of my hips.

He worked his way deeper, groaning against my throat. "It's so hard not to fuck you right now." His touch was rough and dominating, and I imagined what it would be like to be fucked by him, to have his bare skin pressed to mine.

A moan slipped past my lips, and my back bowed away from the couch cushions.

"Fuck, Roe." His heavy breaths caressed my skin as he controlled every inch of my body while I cracked open beneath his skilled touch. It was like he knew every button to press, each stroke in exactly the right place that would get me off.

Tension built, my fingers clawed at his skin until I was desperate for the release I knew he would give me.And when he did, it crashed over me like a rogue wave, heavy and hard, stealing all sense of anything that wasn't him.

He kept going until I grabbed his wrist. "Don't want another one?" His fingers curled inside me again, and I flinched away.

"You're a dick."

When I looked at him, he pulled away, then slipped his fingers between his lips. I blushed, all the while needing more. I palmed him through his jeans, wanting him to lose control the same way I just had.

A bang sounded from the back door just as I reached for his fly. "Hey, cocksucker! Why'd you skip?" Hendrix shouted, rounding the doorway. "I knew you two were fucking!" A bookbag hurtled through the air, landing on the couch beside us.

"Get outta here, would you?" Zepp shouted.

"You're gross. Trying to wet the tip of your dick on the couch I sit on." He glared at me with a snarled lip. "Juices."

I rolled my eyes. "I've seen you get your dick sucked on this couch." That was a disgusting realization. "Gross," I shoved at Zepp. "We need to get off this thing."

"Hendrix!" Zepp shouted, shoving me back down. "Get the hell out before I kill you!"

He completely ignored his brother. "That's my juices. Not yours, Red." Hendrix ducked into the kitchen and came back out with a bag of chips.

His gaze bounced between Zepp and me. "This is weird. I don't like it." He flopped onto the sofa, cramming chips into his mouth. On a sigh, I sat up, and this time, Zepp let me.

"Oh my God. You're dating each other! That's gross. Like sick gross, man." He punched Zepp in the shoulder. "What's wrong with you?"

Zepp grabbed the remote from the table and chucked it at his brother, who then threw up his middle finger. "You've got a room. I wanna watch TV."

"It's fine. I should go, anyway." I pushed to my feet. "I have to work tonight."

"I'm still waiting on the part for your car."

"It's fine. I'll get Jade to give me a lift." I pulled my phone from my pocket to text Jade, and Zepp took it from my hands.

"I'll take you."

I paused. I did not want Zepp dropping me off at The White Rabbit. Shit. "Okay." I paused. "Thanks."

He snatched the remote from Hendrix. "What time do you have to be at work?"

"Not until ten. Can you just take me home?"

One of his brows lowered. "Why?"

Because I didn't want him to know I stripped. "I have to shower and get ready."

"Is Jerry there?" His gaze narrowed. "Just get ready here. I'll take you."

He stared me down, and maybe it was just my guilty conscience, but I felt like he sensed I had something to hide. And I absolutely did. At that moment, I realized just how much I'd grown to like Zepp because I was terrified of him finding out that I stripped. No guy wanted to be with a girl who took her clothes off for other men, and I couldn't blame him. I was disgusted by it, and I was the one doing it. Zepp was no stranger to doing what he had to get by, but he had never sacrificed his dignity in the process.

"Okay," I said, even though all I wanted was for him to take me home and have Jade give me a lift to work.

We watched a movie and ordered pizza, Hendrix complaining the whole time. It felt normal just to hang out. And that scared me because this was not my life. I was used to being alone for the most part, okay with it even, but how could I miss something I had never had. Zepp was starting to become my normal, and this time, if I had to go back to being on my own, I'd know what I was missing. The movie went off, and Zepp grabbed my hand, leading me up to his room. The door shut behind him, the lock clicked.

The look he gave me made my stomach clench. I bit my lip, trying to hide a smile. "Do you need something?"

"To finish what we started earlier."

He closed the space between us and fisted my hair, sending a bite of pain over my scalp before his lips slammed over mine. Zepp got me so drunk on him that he made me want things I never had. Like wanting to watch Zepp snap and lose control the way he'd done to me.

His teeth sank into my bottom lip when I tugged at his belt. Swallowing my nerves, I shoved down his jeans and boxers, then dropped to my knees. A silver bar glinted under the light. Of course, Zepp would have a piercing in his dick. The skin over the bar looked so thin.

"Scared of it?" His gaze locked on me while his fingers played with my hair. "It's sensitive."

I wasn't exactly experienced with this. A two-week boyfriend my sophomore year hadn't prepared me in any way for a guy like Zepp, and I was worried I would be really bad compared to all the girls before me.

"You have no idea how many times I've imagined you on your knees." He fisted my hair.

I took a deep breath, swallowing down the knot of unease that lodged in my throat. When I grabbed him, that piercing was the first place my tongue trailed over. He hissed out a breath, his body going rigid.

"Shit." His hold on my hair tightened, and my confidence grew slightly, and I swallowed him back as far as I could.

Within a few minutes, Zepp was groaning, his fingers tangled in my hair before he pulled away, and I watched him lose control, fisting himself as a guttural sound tore from his lips. There was something unashamedly primal about it, and it made me want him even more than I already did. He glanced up, still holding himself in his hand.

"That look." He bit at his lip, pumping over himself. "I swear to God, Roe, if you don't want me to fuck you…"

He looked at me like he would ruin me and want quickly twisted into anxiety.

"I need to take a shower." I snatched his towel from the back of the door and went into the bathroom.

I got into the shower, with the door that wouldn't close because the frame was so warped. I had just lathered my hair with shampoo that smelled like pine needles when I heard footsteps, then the toilet seat creak. Someone whistled the seven dwarves theme song.

"That had better be you, Zepp," I said.

"Are you just moving in?" Hendrix groaned.

"No! You just come in for a shit when anyone else is in the shower?"

"When I have to shit, I have to shit." God, he was disgusting.

"Zepp!" I shouted.

The floorboards creaked. "What the hell are you doing?" Zepp's voice came from the doorway.

"I've got a dingleberry hanging out of my spider hole, man."

"Pinch it off and get out!"

The toilet flushed, followed by aerosol dispersing. "There. Pine Mountain Fresh and shit, for the princess."Hendrix huffed.

"Oh my God." I rinsed out the last of the shampoo and cut off the water, clutching the curtain to me as I reached for a towel. I wrapped it around myself and grabbed my clothes. When I stepped outside, I found Hendrix prancing around in the hall.

"All yours."

"I'm turtle heading," he said, running past me and not even bothering to shut the door.

"Wow." I walked into Zepp's room and closed the door. "I don't know how you do it."

All he did was sigh and shake his head. "Again. You're welcome I said you were off-limits two years ago."

Him pissing on me like a dog without having exchanged a word should have annoyed me. But in this instance, I was grateful. "Thanks."

I tugged on my jeans and shirt.

"Where do you work?" he asked.

"Uh, Cha Cha's." The lie fell from my lips far too easily. The bar right across from The White Rabbit was a reasonable cover, though. "I pick up glasses."

"You need to go home and get a uniform?"

A tiny thread of panic pulled at me. "Nope. It's at work." A locker of G-strings and lingerie.

I felt like shit lying to him. Zepp had done nothing but help me, but that was the very reason I needed to hide this from him. It was a problem I had no way out of. I was so far down the rabbit hole with him; I had no choice but to keep going and hope he didn't rip my heart out of my chest.

My stomach clenched when he pulled into Cha Cha's and parked beneath the flashing, neon light. I hopped off, handing him his helmet.

His gaze drifted behind me. "So, you pick up the glasses?"

"Yeah. I have a good fake ID." It wasn't a lie. I had to show a fake ID to get my job at The White Rabbit, but no way it was good enough that they didn't know I was underage. They just didn't care.

"I'll be back at what, one, to get you?"

Fuck me. "Two. One of the other girls can give me a ride, though. You don't have to come out here at two in the morning, Zepp."

His gaze swept back over to the front of Cha Cha's with its glowing sign. "Nah, I think I do."

"Okay." What else could I say? "Thanks."

Zepp kissed me before I headed toward the front of the bar, guilt eating away at me. The engine revved, the rumble of the engine fading before it disappeared. I spun around, quickly darting over to The White Rabbit. I didn't want to lie to Zepp, but for some reason, I was his exception, different from every other girl who threw themselves at him. I didn't want him to know that I was so much worse than any of them.