Chapter 4

CHAPTERFOUR

The next morning, Tonka was feeling more eager than normal to get up and start the day. He knew it was because he was going to see Henley and Jasna soon. It was a little odd that he included the little girl in his excitement. He hadn’t been around that many children in his life, had always assumed he’d find them irritating and underfoot all the time.

Although he had to admit, his interaction with Jasna yesterday probably wasn’t normal. She’d been sick and had slept for most of the time she was at the barn. But he hadn’t minded her questions when she was awake, loved seeing the excitement in her eyes when she’d met Melba.

Time would tell, once she was back to feeling like her normal self, if she’d annoy him or not. He had a feeling she wouldn’t. There was something about her that made Tonka feel comfortable. Protective.

When he pulled into the parking lot of Henley’s apartment complex, he realized he was smiling. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d spontaneously smiled so easily.

Henley’s CRV was parked in the same place he’d left it the night before, not that he thought it would be anywhere else, since he had the key. He’d made up the excuse that he needed to do errands for The Refuge this morning, but he didn’t regret it. Henley looked exhausted last night, and he didn’t want her staying up ’til God knows when, waiting on him. Which was a good thing, because it had been after midnight by the time he and Pipe had finished switching out the battery and gotten the vehicle back to her apartment.

Tonka got out of his truck and headed up to Henley’s apartment. He was glad she wasn’t on the first floor. Even in a small town, it was safer not being quite so accessible to anyone walking around looking for trouble.

He knocked on her door and was still smiling when it opened. But his smile immediately died at seeing Henley. Her face was blotchy and her eyes were red.

“What’s wrong?” he asked quickly. “Is Jasna all right?”

“She’s fine. She feels much better today. It’s Mrs. Singleton.”

“Your neighbor?”

Henley nodded. “I just found out the reason I couldn’t get a hold of her yesterday was because she’s in the hospital. She had a stroke.”

Tonka gently urged Henley backward and stepped inside her apartment. He closed the door, then pulled her into his arms without thought.

She didn’t resist, instead seemed to burrow into him as he held her. Her arms went around his back, and he could feel her fingers digging into his skin. “I feel so awful! I guess she couldn’t get to her phone, and she lay on her floor for a while before she was eventually able to crawl to the kitchen where she’d left her cell, so she could call for help.”

Tonka rested his cheek on top of Henley’s head and held her even tighter. It took a few minutes, but eventually she composed herself and pulled away. Tonka loosened his arms, realizing it was an extremely difficult task. Henley wiped her cheeks with her hands but didn’t step out of his hold completely.

“Is she going to be all right?” he asked gently.

Henley shrugged. “I think so, but when she’s released from the hospital, her daughter’s taking her down to Albuquerque to recover. She’ll have to spend some time in a rehab center, I think, then she’ll move in with her daughter. I doubt she’ll be back here.”

Henley sounded so sad, it was all Tonka could do not to give her another long hug. “You want to go see her today?”

She nodded. “Yeah. I thought I’d stop by the hospital after my morning sessions, before I headed out to The Refuge.”

Tonka nodded. “You need me to talk to Drake or Alaska and see about canceling your appointments?”

Henley gave him a grateful smile. “No, I think it’ll be good for me to head out there.”

“What about Jasna? Is she going back to school today?”

Henley nodded. “I took her temperature this morning and it’s back to normal. She says she feels fine. She’s super sad about Mrs. Singleton though.”

“Of course she is,” Tonka said. “It sounds like the woman’s been a huge help to you both over the years.”

“She has,” Henley said with a nod. Then sighed. “School’s out soon, and without her help, I’ll have to decide what to do. There aren’t enough camps to keep Jasna busy all summer, and I won’t leave her alone in the apartment.”

“Can you find someone else to look after her?” Tonka asked with a frown. Honestly, he hadn’t considered how difficult childcare was for a single parent. It just wasn’t something he’d ever had to worry about.

Henley shrugged then took a deep breath. “I’m sure I will,” she said. But he could tell she was trying to downplay her worries about the situation.

“What if she came to The Refuge when she wasn’t at camp?” Tonka blurted. Once again with this woman, he didn’t give a thought to what he was going to say. It just came out.

Henley looked shocked at the suggestion. “What?”

“You could bring her to The Refuge. I’m sure I could find things for her to do in the barn with me, and I bet Alaska could also help keep her busy. There’s always plenty to do around the place. We could even pay her. She could earn some spending money.”

“I…I don’t know what to say. I didn’t think kids were allowed on the premises.”

Tonka shrugged. “Technically, they aren’t. Some of our guests are triggered by babies crying, or the screaming some kids do while they’re playing. But if someone comes who’s triggered by children, we’ll simply make sure she keeps her distance.”

“Have you talked about this with the others?” she asked, though he was aware she already knew the answer.

“No,” he told her honestly. “But I know without a doubt no one will have a problem with it. Especially if the alternative is you taking the summer off from working at The Refuge because of childcare issues.”

To Tonka’s alarm, tears welled in her eyes once more.

“Henley?”

She tilted her head forward and rested it on his chest. “I don’t know what to say,” she mumbled.

“Say yes,” he told her. It was almost scary how good this woman felt in his arms. Tonka literally couldn’t remember a time in his life when he’d felt this content while holding another human being. It was as if she filled up all the holes in his soul with her goodness.

How he’d managed to go so long without letting her know how much he admired and liked her, he had no idea.

Henley lifted her head once more and stared at him. “It’s just…Mrs. Singleton was always there for me. She never had a problem looking after Jasna, and now that she’s gone—not gone gone, but unable to help out anymore—I’m realizing how much I took advantage of her. I don’t want to do that to anyone at The Refuge.”

“You didn’t take advantage of her,” Tonka said with a small shake of his head. “I’m sure she loved spending time with your daughter. You said she was alone here in Los Alamos, right?”

Henley nodded.

“I bet she cherished every moment she got to spend with Jasna.”

“I hope so,” Henley said. Then she sighed. “How about this—you talk to your friends today, see what they think. If anyone has any reservations, even minor ones, I’ll find another solution for the summer. The last thing I want is to press any buttons for your guests and to cause anyone extra work. Jasna’s a good kid, but she’s also extremely curious. And she’s getting a little more moody as teenage hormones begin to creep in.”

“It’ll be fine,” Tonka reassured her.

Henley opened her mouth to say something, but was interrupted by her daughter.

“Finn!” she exclaimed as she came running down the hallway.

Since Tonka still had his arms around Henley, he was knocked back a step when Jasna barreled into him, but he recovered quickly, raising an arm and wrapping it around the girl, who was now hugging him from the side.

“Hey,” he said, a little surprised at her exuberant greeting.

She looked up at him with those amazing amber eyes, and Tonka could see that she’d also been crying. “Did Mom tell you about Mrs. Singleton?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry.”

Jasna sniffed and nodded, but didn’t let him go. Goose bumps rose on his arms as Tonka realized both McClures were clinging to him now.

A wave of sudden fear washed over him. The last time anyone had relied on him, he’d let them down in a huge way.

He cleared his throat. “Well…I came by to bring the keys to your car, so you guys can get to where you need to be today.”

The feeling of loss when both Jasna and Henley stepped away from him was almost overwhelming. He’d fucked up—and he knew it. He’d let his past influence his present, again.

For a moment, Tonka wondered if he’d ever be able to overcome the feelings of inadequacy and guilt that plagued him every moment of every day.

“I appreciate you fixing my car. How much was the battery?”

Tonka shrugged. “Not a lot. It’s the least I can do for someone who’s so valuable to The Refuge.”

He saw the shutters fall over her eyes then, and for the second time in as many minutes, Tonka was kicking himself for saying the wrong thing. He wanted to take his words back, explain that he wasn’t helping her because she was an employee. That he personally wanted to make sure she was safe on the roads…but the moment was lost when she turned to Jasna.

“Go grab your stuff and I’ll drive you to school this morning. We’ve already missed the bus.”

Jasna turned without argument and headed down the hall toward her room.

“I’d offer you breakfast, but we’re going to stop and grab something on the way to school,” Henley told him.

“It’s okay,” Tonka told her. “Let me know if anything seems off with the car.”

“I will. Again, thank you so much for everything, Finn.”

He nodded at her and stuck his hands in his pockets, feeling awkward all of a sudden. He mentally kicked his own ass for screwing up their intimate moment. “I’ll see you when you get to The Refuge later.”

She nodded, and there was nothing left to do but leave. Tonka nodded back and stepped toward the door.

“Finn?”

He turned back, his heart skipping a beat. “Yeah?”

“My key?”

Shit. He’d forgotten to even give it to her. He gave her a sheepish look and pulled it out of his pocket. His fingers brushed her palm as he placed the key in her hand, and it was all he could do not to grab hold of her and pull her close again. But he managed not to embarrass himself and once more turned to leave. This time, she didn’t stop him.

Tonka wasn’t sure why he’d offered to have Jasna hang out at The Refuge that summer. He definitely needed to talk to the guys about it, but he was relatively sure they wouldn’t protest, not after hearing that Henley might not be able to have sessions with their guests if she didn’t have reliable childcare.

As he drove back home, he was more sure than ever that he wanted both Henley and Jasna in his life. By some miracle, being around them drove out some of the demons in his head. It felt good to worry about something other than his past mistakes. To concentrate on solving Henley’s problems. Was that a good basis for a relationship? He wasn’t so sure.

All he knew for certain was what he felt when he was around them. He was smiling this morning…for absolutely no reason other than having seen them both. If that wasn’t a sign, he didn’t know what was.

It wouldn’t be easy to break out of the melancholy that had taken over his life after he’d gotten out of the Coast Guard, but for the first time since Steel died, Tonka felt something other than guilt and sorrow weighing him down. Anticipation swam in his veins. An excitement that maybe, just maybe, he’d be able to put the past behind him eventually.

He’d never forget his partner, how Steel always had his back, but Tonka knew the way he was living his life wasn’t any kind of testament to how brave and strong Steel had been.

He wanted to be a better person. Wanted to snap out of the funk he’d been in for years. Maybe Henley wasn’t the woman he was meant to be with. Maybe she was just the push he needed to get out of his head and get on with living. Regardless, he had a feeling the McClures were put in his path for a reason.

He’d ignored the pull he’d had toward Henley for long enough. Once upon a time he hadn’t been a coward, and he wanted to be that man again. Henley made him want to be that man.

* * *

Henley did her best to concentrate on her sessions that morning. She felt as if her brain was going to explode with all that she had going on. Stress about her childcare situation, worry for Mrs. Singleton, gratitude for her boss’s understanding about being late that morning…and of course, confusion over Finn’s sudden interest in her life.

It was a lot. And Henley wanted nothing more than to go home and sleep. But she couldn’t. She had a ton on her plate, and she had no time to sit and take a moment for herself.

After her last session, she stuck her head into her boss’s office. Mike Mackey was in his early fifties, had lived in Los Alamos all his life and never married. He’d started his practice twenty-five years ago, and Henley was so grateful to him for hiring her on when he did. She’d been new in town, with a five-year-old in tow and desperately in need of a job. It had been stupid to move to the mountain town without securing work first, but she’d needed to get out of the city. She didn’t want Jasna to grow up surrounded by a concrete jungle. She wanted her to have an appreciation for Mother Nature.

“Henley!” Mike said when he saw her. “Come in, come in.”

“Is everything okay?” Henley asked immediately. Mike had asked her to come talk to him before she left to head to The Refuge. The last thing she needed was more stress piled on top of her shoulders.

“Yes. Well, mostly yes. Sit and let’s talk.”

Mentally shoring up her shields, Henley gingerly sat on the edge of the chair in front of his desk.

“You doing okay?” he asked.

Henley smiled and shrugged. “Yeah. Sorry again about this morning. My neighbor had a stroke and went into the hospital.”

“Cheri?”

It sounded weird to hear Mrs. Singleton being called by her first name. For as long as Henley had known her, she’d called her by her surname. “Yeah.”

“Darn. Will she be all right?” Mike asked.

“From what I understand, yes. But she’ll be moving to Albuquerque to be closer to her daughter.”

“Ah…and there goes your childcare,” Mike said sympathetically.

“Yup.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll find something.”

Henley simply smiled. She didn’t blame her boss for being a little unconcerned. He’d never had to worry about childcare, since he wasn’t married and didn’t have kids.

“Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Christian Dekker.”

Henley immediately frowned. It wasn’t as if she didn’t know who Mike was talking about. Of course she did. She was just confused about why he was bringing him up to her. Yes, she’d been the boy’s therapist a few years ago, but it hadn’t gone well.

Well, that wasn’t exactly true. She’d thought things were going well at first, but eventually she realized the boy was purposely manipulating her—and trying to scare her.

Henley firmly believed in the innate goodness of people. But the twelve-year-old boy she’d known had seriously dented those beliefs for a time. His parents had been beside themselves and didn’t know what to do with him. Nothing they’d done on their own had been able to curb his destructive and dangerous behavior. They’d been at the end of their rope, and had even admitted to being scared of their own son.

Henley had thought she’d be able to help. That she could get to the root of what was driving the boy and help him work through it. But as it turned out, she hadn’t been able to discover anything traumatic in his past. No difficulties with anyone at school—students or staff. No particular triggers that caused him to lash out. She’d even had a session with his younger sister, who swore their parents had always been loving and fair.

In the end, after many months, her professional opinion was that Christian Dekker was a danger to society, his family…basically to anyone he met.

It wasn’t a decision she’d come to lightly. No one wanted to believe a child was too far gone for help. But after sitting across from the boy week after week, and seeing little beyond cold calculation in his gaze, Henley had finally gone to Mike and admitted she was making no headway. Told him she thought it would be worth it to see if Christian fared any better with a male therapist.

And while that was true…the additional truth of the matter was, Henley had been extremely uncomfortable with some of the things the boy had said. How he fantasized about hurting and violating his teacher, his sister…even his mom. He calmly and without emotion told her how he’d tried to burn down the shed behind his house, how he’d scraped the remains of a coyote off the road to examine it, and that one of his favorite things was finding the mice that had gotten stuck to the glue traps in their garage and bashing their heads in.

Pulling herself out of her thoughts, she realized Mike was staring at her, waiting patiently. She belatedly asked, “What about him?”

“You know that he stopped being a client here a couple of years ago.” He waited for Henley to nod before he continued. “Well, his mother called. Said he’s now even worse than he used to be. She begged me to come to the house to talk to him, but I told her that I honestly didn’t think it would do any good.”

Henley pressed her lips together and nodded again. “They’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. Since he’s a minor, they don’t want to kick him out of the house, but they’re also scared to death of what he might do. There aren’t any private schools they can send him to, not with his grades and his records, and for some reason, they were reluctant to send him to an inpatient facility. So far, he hasn’t been caught doing anything illegal that would send him to juvie,” Henley mused.

“Exactly. All I could do was sympathize with her and wish her the best. But, Henley…that’s not why I’m talking to you this morning.”

She looked across the desk at Mike, nodding for him to continue.

“I wanted to warn you.”

“Warn me? About what?”

Mike sighed heavily. “His mom found a notebook in Christian’s room. She told me she goes in there when she’s sure he’s out of the house. She doesn’t even know what she’s looking for, or what she’d do if she found anything alarming, like weapons or something, but she said she couldn’t live with herself if she didn’t call me after she’d found the notebook.”

Henley steeled herself.

“There was a list of names inside, under the heading ‘People Who Have to Die.’ There were twenty names—hers, her daughter’s, her husband’s, teachers, and neighbors. Even the girl who used to babysit him when he was five, who moved to New York a decade ago.” Mike paused before adding, “And our names were on the list too.”

Henley stiffened, although if she was honest with herself, she wasn’t exactly surprised. The boy she’d counseled had been manipulative, angry, and downright mean. And when he’d been shifted to Mike’s caseload, he glared daggers at her every time he’d seen her in the hall at work.

The sheer…evilness Henley had seen in his gaze unsettled her. She hadn’t been upset the day Mike told her that he’d quit coming to his therapy sessions.

That had been over two years ago. It was a little hard to believe he’d been holding a grudge against them all this time. Then again, it really wasn’t. There was something seriously wrong with the young man. It devastated her that she and Mike hadn’t been able to help him…but she honestly wasn’t sure anyone could.

She’d never believed some people were just born evil, but after meeting Christian, she’d changed her mind.

“I just wanted to make sure you were aware,” Mike went on.

“When did he write the list?” Henley asked.

“His mom’s not sure, but she guesses it was a while ago. All the pages after that were also filled in…with random ramblings, drawings, poems about death.”

“What are you thinking?” Henley asked. She’d always respected Mike’s levelheaded approach to life. He didn’t get riled up about much. Tended to take one day at a time. He always said that he did his best not to stress about anything he couldn’t do something about. It seemed like a good life motto.

“I’m planning on being a little more aware of my surroundings, but I’m not too worried. Teenagers are always a little hotheaded. They get riled up easily, but most of the time it fizzles out.”

It was the “most of the time” part that Henley worried about. And Christian Dekker wasn’t like most teenagers. Mike knew that, but she nodded anyway.

“Just watch yourself,” he told her. “If anything seems off, take note and do what you need to do in order to protect yourself. And Jasna.”

“Wait—was my daughter’s name on the list?” Henley asked, her spine going rigid.

“No.”

She sighed in relief.

“But you should be aware, just in case.”

Henley nodded. “I appreciate you telling me.”

“Of course. You’ve always been like a daughter to me.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m a little old to be your kid,” she teased.

“Not really. Sixteen-year-olds have children all the time,” he said with a wink.

Henley chuckled.

“Anyway, you headed to The Refuge this afternoon?”

“Yeah. I’m going to go see Mrs. Singleton at the hospital first, then I’ll head up there and run a group session before coming back and meeting Jasna at home.”

“All right, I’ll let you get going then. Take care of yourself, Henley. You’re too important to me, as an employee and a friend, for anything to happen to you.”

“I will. And same goes to you.”

Mike stood and Henley followed suit. To her surprise, he walked around the desk and gave her a quick hug. In all the time she’d known him, he’d never spontaneously hugged her. He was obviously a little more worried about Christian than he’d let on, but she did her best to push her concerns aside.

“See you tomorrow.”

Henley nodded and headed back to her office to grab her stuff. As she walked out to her car, she took the time to study her surroundings. Everything was quiet. No one seemed to be lurking in the shadows, and since the parking lot was right next to the building and next to one of the main roads going through Los Alamos, there weren’t any trees for anyone to hide behind while waiting to jump out and grab unsuspecting women.

Feeling better once she was in her car with the doors locked, Henley headed for the hospital. She needed to see Mrs. Singleton for herself to make sure she really was going to be all right.

Then she shivered a bit as she thought about heading back out to The Refuge. She’d been going out there for years now, but for some reason, today she felt a little more excited. Things between her and Finn were changing…hopefully for the better. Even though he’d seemed a little standoffish when he’d left her apartment that morning, her mind replayed over and over how tightly he’d held her in his arms…and she hadn’t missed the way he’d looked at her.

She’d seen something in that gaze. Something that hadn’t been there even a week ago. A certain determination…and keen awareness of her as a woman.

Yes, something had definitely changed. She wasn’t sure what, but she was thrilled. Now she just prayed she wouldn’t do anything to mess it up.