Chapter 11

CHAPTERELEVEN

Tonka felt like a completely different man than the one he’d been before he and Henley started dating. And it was all because of her. She gave him the strength to push the shadows to the back of his mind and concentrate on the here and now.

The morning after their all-night lovemaking session had been just as comfortable and easy as all the days leading up to it. Which was a relief, because the last thing Tonka wanted was Henley feeling embarrassed about everything they’d done together.

He’d never felt so free to do what he wanted sexually as he did with Henley. She trusted him implicitly, and as a bonus, enjoyed making love as much as Tonka. They’d both been insatiable throughout the long night and the following morning, and she’d barely made it to her appointment on time.

They’d showered together, did the laundry—which began innocently enough and ended with Tonka taking her while she was sitting on his washer—made a large breakfast, and even snuggled on the couch for a while, watching a random zombie show before making love once more.

She was everything Tonka had ever dreamed about in a woman, but never thought he’d find.

The night Jasna got back from camp was harder than he’d thought it would be. He missed Henley. Yes, the sex was out of this world, but it was the intimacy that he missed most of all. Even after just the few nights they’d spent together, he’d gotten used to looking over on the couch and seeing her. Waking up in the middle of the night and having her snuggled up against him. Getting out of the shower and smelling coffee brewing. Coffee that he hadn’t had to make himself.

He’d been alone for so long, he’d figured it would be extremely difficult to get used to someone else being in his space. But that hadn’t been the case at all. Henley fit into his world as if she’d always been there.

And being able to go to his cabin with her after work, knowing he wouldn’t have to say goodbye, was something he hadn’t even realized he’d needed.

So it sucked big time that first night after camp when she and Jasna had hung out in his cabin, then she’d stood up around eight o’clock and said they had to get going.

Tonka treasured every moment he got to spend with Henley and Jasna. He’d learned the hard way that nothing in life was guaranteed. He’d assumed he had many more years with Steel. He thought the dog would be retired from service from the Coast Guard, and he’d get to live out his years comfortable and pampered by Tonka. While Steel had “only” been a dog, he’d also been Tonka’s best friend. They’d spent every minute of their days together. Which was why it hurt so bad to have him so violently and suddenly torn away.

Shying away from his memories, Tonka returned his focus to the discussion going on around him. He and the rest of the guys were having their monthly business meeting about the goings-on with The Refuge. Revenue was up ten percent and donations had increased a hundred and forty percent since Alaska had first suggested adding a donation button to the website.

Savannah, their accountant, had just left after giving her report, and Jason was currently talking about the cabins and the needed repairs and upgrades to keep them looking as inviting as possible for their guests. Hudson and Robert had already given their reports, and thankfully there hadn’t been any surprises with either of them as far as the landscaping and food preparation was concerned.

Before he knew it, it was Henley’s turn. Tonka couldn’t take his eyes off her. They hadn’t made love since Jasna’s overnight camp had ended, but truthfully, he was content simply to be around Henley. Did he like the sex? God yes. Did he need it? No. He enjoyed spending time with her because she was witty, and kind, and she made him feel like his old self again.

In the past, Tonka had barely paid attention in their monthly meetings because all he really cared about was the animals and making sure their needs were being met. He trusted his friends and co-owners to make good decisions about everything else. But today he found himself more interested than usual. The Refuge was his home, after all, and now more than ever, he wanted to make sure he was doing his part in keeping it a safe and happy place for everyone, not just their paying guests.

“I think the increase in people making their way to The Refuge outside the military is an interesting trend,” Henley said. “While veterans are largely our focus, there are so many more outside the military who experience trauma, who also need help coping, and they’re discovering The Refuge. Just last month, for example, we had eight guests who’d been sexually assaulted, two who’d been bullied so badly as kids they still struggle to cope today, four who survived a workplace violence episode, and three who’d been stalked and traumatized by a former spouse…and no, they weren’t all female. Males can be traumatized by their wives just as easily as women can be by husbands.”

“That is an interesting trend, and a great point,” Pipe said. “What can we do to make them feel just as welcome as our veterans? We’ve worked hard to market this place toward veterans with PTSD, but as you pointed out, there are plenty of people who’ve experienced trauma unrelated to military service. Word of mouth has apparently brought plenty of people to The Refuge who haven’t served in the Armed Forces, but I agree that we could do more.”

“I’m not bringing this up as a criticism of anything you guys are doing or not doing. Just as an interesting point. While things like firecrackers and cars backfiring are still valid concerns, there are other things that could be triggers—for those outside the military—that aren’t so obvious.”

Spike frowned. “So we should update our intake form.”

Henley nodded. “I can probably help with that, as I talk to most of the guests. I have a pretty good grasp of what could be triggering and what we might want to ask.”

“What else?” Owl asked, leaning forward.

As Tonka listened to his friends and Henley discuss the best ways to make sure all their guests were as safe as possible while they were here—both mentally and physically—he couldn’t help but be impressed by his woman all over again. She was using her experiences to understand and help others. While he was…

What was he doing?

Avoiding thinking about Steel altogether. Hiding out as much as possible. Keeping his distance from some of the very people who would understand what he was going through more than anyone else.

He’d sat in on Henley’s sessions and listened to guest after guest share what they’d been through. And not once had he tried to recognize the similarities between his own experience and theirs. He’d stubbornly taken the stance that nothing they’d been through was as bad as what he’d faced.

Pressing his lips together, Tonka suddenly felt…ashamed. Henley herself had gone through something most would argue was twice as traumatic as what he’d experienced, and at a significantly younger age, and she was coping a hell of a lot better than he was.

“You’ve given us a lot to think about, Henley,” Brick said, jerking Tonka back to the discussion. “Any other suggestions you can give for what we should be doing differently in terms of guest recovery, please don’t be afraid to bring it to our attention. Even if it’s not at our monthly meetings. When we opened this place, we just wanted it to be a refuge for people. A safe place where they could get some much-needed peace for at least a little while. And if we’re doing anything that makes that less possible, even unintentionally, we want to know about it.”

“I will. And I think this place is incredible. Almost all of the guests I’ve met with have said they’ve felt a tremendous sense of relief simply being on the property. They aren’t judged for their mental health issues, which in itself is a huge deal. And as you know, we have a lot of repeat customers.”

Brick and the others nodded, but Tonka could only stare at the woman across the table who was now standing and gathering her papers. She glanced at him, offering a small smile before she left the room.

“Right, so…that leaves us. What are everyone’s thoughts about what we’ve heard from the others and how the place is doing? Anything we need to change?” Brick asked.

Everyone went around the room and gave brief reports on the things they’d been working on and gave their opinions about the business in general.

When it was Tonka’s turn, for the first time in five years, he didn’t talk about the animals.

“I want to thank you all for putting up with me for so long,” he said solemnly. “I haven’t pulled my weight when it comes to the everyday operations, and I’m sorry.”

All six of his friends spoke at once, trying to deny his words, but Tonka held up a hand, stopping them.

“I appreciate you giving me time and space to work through my shit, although I’m sure you didn’t expect it to last five fucking years. I haven’t talked much about what happened to me…but maybe it’s time.”

Now it was so quiet in the room, Tonka could hear the clock ticking on the wall above their heads. “I can’t go into detail…not now, and maybe not ever. But I had a canine partner. He was a Belgian Malinois and his name was Steel. I trusted him, and he trusted me. We were a well-oiled machine. He was my best friend. Well…a mission went bad. Bad in a way you can’t even imagine, and I lost him. The man we were trying to bust for drugs got the drop on us and killed him in a horrific way.

“After that, I guess I just decided I preferred to interact with animals because they don’t know how to be deceitful. How to be evil. They don’t turn on you without reason. As long as they aren’t hungry or cold, have adequate shelter, aren’t beaten…they’re perfectly happy to be your friend and they’re completely loyal. I’d seen firsthand how evil humans can be, and after losing Steel, I painted almost everyone with the same brush.

“I know that’s a fucked-up way to see the world, and I’m working on it. Thank you all for not giving up on me, and for putting up with me being so standoffish.”

Tonka stared at the men around the table. He respected each and every one of them. He’d kept them at arm’s length even though they’d been nothing but supportive. He didn’t know how they’d react to what he said—plenty of people thought his grief was bullshit because he’d lost a dog—so he braced for anything.

“Holy shit. Henley truly is a miracle worker,” Spike said into the silence.

For a moment, everyone stared at him in shock—then they burst into laughter. Tonka couldn’t help but join in. His friend wasn’t wrong.

“Right?” Pipe said. “She’s turned our grunting animal man into a pile of mush!”

Tonka threw his pen at Pipe, chuckling when it bounced off his forehead.

“Ow!” he exclaimed, bringing a hand to his head.

Everyone laughed harder.

“I mean, I know Alaska changed me into a better man, but jeez,” Brick said with a shake of his head and a fond grin.

“Where can I find me a Henley?” Spike asked. And while Tonka and everyone else knew he was kidding, there was an undercurrent of wistfulness in the question that was easy to hear.

“It’s been really great having you around more,” Tiny told him.

“Agreed,” Stone said with a nod. “I mean, I’m guessing you’re never going to volunteer to run a karaoke night or anything, but seeing you at meals and at some of the nightly activities has been awesome.”

“And having Jasna around this summer has been a ton of fun,” Owl said.

“I second that. She’s so inquisitive and full of wonder. You forget how healing that alone can be. And some of the guests have even mentioned how they’ve loved chatting with her in their reviews,” Pipe agreed.

“We should talk about that,” Brick said in a more serious tone of voice. “When we started this place, we agreed that no children were allowed. We didn’t want to have undisciplined or unruly kids running amuck. Not to mention, crying babies could be a trigger for some people. But do we want to revisit our stance on the kids thing?”

“You asking for any particular reason?” Stone asked with a grin.

Brick smiled. “Maybe. I mean, I’m not saying Alaska and I are going to pop out a baby tomorrow, but there might come a time when we want to have children. And hopefully someday you guys will find your own women and possibly want kids yourselves. It seems a little unfair to have a no-children rule when our own could be running around someday.”

“And opening the place up to kids would let more single parents take advantage of what The Refuge has to offer,” Stone said.

“But here’s the thing,” Pipe said. “As far as our own children go, we have a say in how they’re raised. We can teach them to be respectful and not bring them up to be hooligans. If we open The Refuge to kids, we have no control over how they’ll act. I mean, we can have guidelines and stuff, but what do we do if one of them is a holy terror?”

“Good point,” Stone said.

“And crying babies could still be a trigger,” Tiny added. “I think our cabins are far enough away from the others that if we had babies, they wouldn’t always be heard by the guests.”

“So, what? Alaska and Brick won’t be allowed to bring their baby to the lodge?” Owl asked. “Just in case it might cry and make someone uncomfortable?”

“No, I’m not saying that,” Tiny said.

“What if we started off by saying children over the age of eight will be welcome, but with certain rules? Like they have to be accompanied by an adult at all times?” Spike suggested.

“Or maybe we could have certain weeks where children are welcome. That way, anyone making reservations would know when there might be kids around, and can decide on their own if they want to come at that time,” Tonka added, speaking up for the first time.

“That’s a good idea,” Brick said. “We could also come up with age-appropriate activities and stuff, maybe hire someone to entertain the kids while the parents take some time for themselves or when they’re in therapy sessions. Down the line, we could even add a building that’s specifically for kids.”

“I have to admit, I like the adult vibe we have going on here,” Spike said. “This isn’t a theme park or a summer camp. We started this place with the intention for our guests to have a place where they can relax. No matter how well-behaved the kid, having children around brings a different vibe to the place. I think we’ve seen that with Jasna around this summer. And don’t get offended, Tonka, I’m not saying I haven’t enjoyed her being here. Just that it’s different.”

Tonka nodded. His friend wasn’t wrong.

“However,” Spike continued, “what I love even more about this place, and working with all of you, is that we aren’t afraid to make changes. To keep up with new needs and demands. So many other businesses would refuse to do anything different, especially when they’re making a profit. I like that we can talk about the pros and cons of things and come to a reasonable agreement.”

The others agreed with Spike, as did Tonka. Hell, he was just glad to be involved in the discussion. It might have taken five years for the fog in his head to begin to clear, but he was lucky to have landed here in New Mexico with these men. Any other employer would probably have fired him by now. Not wanting to put up with his idiosyncrasies.

“Okay, we’ll need to come up with some verbiage for the website and figure out what weeks we want to open the place to people with children. I’ll have Alaska look at the reservations and see if there’re any weeks that seem better than others. This summer and next are already pretty booked up, but maybe we can find time in the fall and spring that will work,” Brick said.

More nods around the table, before Brick changed the subject.

“So…I take it things are going well with Henley?”

“Yeah, they are,” Tonka said with a small smile.

“Good. You deserve to be happy,” Brick said. “And before we get all mushy again, you want to talk to us about how the calf is fitting in? What’d Jasna name her again?”

“Scarlet Pimpernickel,” Tonka said with a grin.

“Good Lord,” Owl groaned with a smile and a shake of his head.

“Scarlet for short,” he informed them. “And she’s good. A little on the thin side, but we’ll fix that in no time. Although she’s gonna grow up to be just as big or bigger than Melba. We’re probably going to need to expand the paddock. Especially with the horses and goats and who knows what else we’ll take in.”

The next twenty minutes were spent discussing how much space there was in the barn and how many more animals they could reasonably house before the barn itself needed to be expanded as well.

“If we keep expanding, we might need to hire someone to help Tonka,” Stone said. “I mean, I know the barn is his domain, but there are only so many hours in the day.”

“That’ll be up to Tonka,” Tiny said firmly. “The barn is his domain. I would never want to bring someone in who might disrupt his routine.”

The others all looked to him for his thoughts, and once more, Tonka was thankful for these men. They might all be former military, and a little rough around the edges, but they were considerate and loyal. And instead of feeling panicked at the thought of sharing his animals with someone, of allocating some of his workload, Tonka thought about how much more time he’d be able to spend with Henley. “I’d be open to having some help,” he said simply.

Brick grinned, as if he could read Tonka’s mind. “I’ll put out some feelers when the time comes, but you’ll be in charge of interviewing and hiring, all right?”

Tonka nodded. In the past, he would’ve balked. Would’ve told Brick to hire whoever he wanted. But today, he felt confident enough to make such an important decision for himself.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m about meeting’d out,” Stone said. “Anyone want to check out the bunkers with me? We haven’t done it in a while, and after what happened with Brick and Alaska, I figured it might be a good idea to make sure they’re all good.”

“I’m game,” Spike said as he stood.

“I can take anyone interested on a hike to Table Rock, to keep them from possibly following you guys and seeing something they shouldn’t,” Pipe volunteered.

“It’s also about time to check all the bird feeders around the property. I’ll ask Jasna to recruit some volunteers to help her refill them. That’ll keep a few people occupied until dinnertime,” Tonka volunteered. He wanted to do his part to help his friends, but giving Jasna the job would thrill the girl—and give him and Henley a moment to be alone at the same time. She didn’t have any sessions scheduled this afternoon, and he knew she’d come down to the barn to hang out until he was finished with chores and they could go eat.

“Perfect. Thanks, everyone. I’ll keep you updated on everything we talked about,” Brick said as he scooted his chair back and stood.

Tonka got up quickly and made his way to the door. He felt good about opening up to his friends, but he couldn’t wait to see Henley. He still didn’t fully understand his compulsion to be around her all the time, but he didn’t fight it either. She made him feel good. In general and about himself.

When he exited the conference room, he saw Henley and Ryan talking to Alaska. The three women had gotten closer over the last couple of weeks, and Tonka was happy for Henley. She’d admitted one night that she didn’t have a lot of friends, and while he didn’t know Ryan all that well, he liked and respected Alaska.

“Thanks again for helping me clean up the computer,” Alaska told Ryan as the other woman smiled at her. “I can’t believe all the websites Becky was visiting and all the cookies and tracking shit it ended up putting on the machine.”

Tonka recalled that Becky was their last administrative assistant, and just like the many people in the position before her, she hadn’t worked out. They’d all gotten lucky when Alaska took on the job.

Ryan nodded. “Of course. Now you know which folder all that stuff gets stored in, so you can empty it every now and then yourself.”

“Yup. We’re still on for shopping and lunch next week, right?” Alaska asked her.

“Absolutely. I’m off on Thursday and would love some girl time,” Ryan answered with a smile.

“I can’t wait,” Henley said. “I can’t remember the last time I had a girls’ night out.”

“Well, it’s more like a girls’ afternoon, but I’m okay with that,” Alaska said with a laugh.

“On that note, I need to get moving. I’ve got one more load of sheets and towels to fold, then I’m out of here,” Ryan told them.

“I thought Jess was on laundry duty today,” Alaska said with a frown.

“She was. But her husband is sick, so I took her shift and sent her home.” Ryan shrugged. “It’s not a big deal. See you guys tomorrow. Hey, Tonka,” she greeted with a smile as she walked past him toward the front door.

He came up beside Henley and put his arm around her waist, lowering his head to kiss her lightly.

“Hey,” she said, leaning into him. “The rest of the meeting go okay?”

“Yeah. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop or anything, but Jasna’s got that theater camp next week, right? You want me to pick her up on Thursday, so you can enjoy your afternoon off and don’t have to worry about cutting it short? I can bring her back here so she won’t be alone with me in your apartment.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Tonka saw Alaska stepping away from the desk to greet Brick, but all his attention was on Henley.

She frowned. “Why would I care if you guys were alone in my apartment?”

Tonka gave her a look. “Because I’m a guy and she’s your daughter.”

It took Henley a moment to understand what he was implying. To Tonka’s surprise, her brows furrowed and she looked mad. At him. Stepping out of his hold, she turned to him with her hands on her hips and asked, “Are you kidding me?”

“Um…no?” he said in confusion.

She frowned even harder for a moment, then grabbed his hand and towed him toward the door.

“Bye, Henley! Talk to you later!” Alaska called out.

“Definitely. I have to talk some sense into this idiot. I’ll tell you about it later!” Henley responded loudly without slowing her stomping march toward the exit.

Tonka had no idea what she was all riled up about, but he couldn’t keep the grin off his face. She was adorable when she was being all tough. While he was a little worried about what he’d done to irritate her, he already knew he’d do or say whatever was necessary to fix it.

She towed him all the way to the barn and the second they were inside, she turned on him. “Finn Matlick, why the hell wouldn’t I trust you with my daughter? Are you going to hurt her?”

“What? No!” he exclaimed.

“Are you going to do perverted things that’ll make me have to run you through with a sword?”

“No,” he repeated, trying not to laugh at that visual.

“Have you, or have you not, spent time alone with her in this barn?”

“I have, but that’s not the same.”

“Why?” she asked, with her hands on her hips.

“Because. We aren’t really alone.”

“So the other day, when she was here for three hours with you while you taught her how to tie proper knots, you weren’t alone?”

“We were, but guests could come in at any time when we were in the barn. Taking her to your house, where we’re really alone, behind closed doors…it’s different.”

Henley shook her head. “No, it’s not different. Finn, I trust you with the most precious thing in my life—my daughter. I see the way you look at some of the guests when they get too close to her. If you could, you’d snatch her up and carry her away, simply to keep her safe. No matter what demons might get in your head, you’re a good man. You’ve made my life so much easier this summer, but more than that, you’ve made Jasna’s life richer simply by being in it. She adores you.”

“You need to stop talking,” Tonka said quietly.

But she didn’t. “I don’t trust easily, especially when it comes to my daughter. I’ve seen firsthand the bad things that can happen in life. But I would, with no hesitation, trust both my life and Jasna’s life to you.”

“Seriously, stop,” Tonka begged.

“No, I won’t stop. You need to know that whatever happened to you wasn’t because of something you failed to do. If you could’ve stopped it, you would have. Your hands must have been tied. I know that without fail—because you would’ve rained hellfire down on whatever asshole was hurting you and those you loved if you could’ve.”

She couldn’t truly know how spot-on her comment was about his hands being tied, but Tonka couldn’t handle any more of her sweetness. He stepped into her personal space and took her shoulders in his hands, backing her up until she hit the door of Melba’s stall. The cow was out in the paddock at the moment, but Tonka didn’t even think about that. All he could do was kiss her to make her stop talking.

She didn’t push him away. In fact, Henley grabbed hold of his shirt and took handfuls of the material in her fists and yanked him closer. Their kiss started out desperate and almost angry, but immediately morphed into a sensual, passionate embrace.

Tonka had never experienced this kind of immediate connection. She understood him on a level no one ever had. And the trust she had in him, when he didn’t have it in himself, was humbling and overwhelming.

Even though he wanted nothing more than to take her against the stall, Tonka was well aware of their surroundings. He’d never do anything to embarrass her—or Jasna, who could wander into the barn at any moment.

He pulled back, breathing hard, trying to find the will to let go. He had one hand tangled in her hair, holding her still for his kiss, and the other was on the small of her back, clutching her against him.

“Damn, Finn,” she said with a smile as she looked up at him.

“Sorry—” he began, but she shook her head.

“Oh no, you don’t get to be sorry about that,” she told him.

Her lips were wet and swollen and she looked as if she’d just been ravished. Tonka couldn’t help but love that look on her.

“As I was saying, if you want to pick up Jasna next week while I’m out with Alaska and Ryan, I’d be grateful. If you want to take her to my apartment, that’s fine. But I’m guessing she’d prefer to come here and hang out with you and your animals. I can meet you back here and we’ll figure out dinner. I can stop and grab something after my shopping trip, we can eat at the lodge, or we can go back to your cabin and make something. I honestly don’t care. I just want to spend time with you.”

She was being sweet again, and it took a moment for Tonka to feel as if he could talk without his voice cracking. “How about we play it by ear and I’ll text you and let you know what the plan is?”

“Perfect. When I drop Jasna off at camp, I’ll let them know you’re on the approved list to pick her up.”

Tonka blinked. He hadn’t even thought of that. There were so many little things he had no clue about when it came to raising a kid. “Okay,” he told her quietly.

“Finn?”

“Yeah?”

“It might take some time to sink in…but no matter what happened in your past, the man I’m looking at right now is pretty damn awesome.”

“I want to tell you,” he blurted. “I told the guys some of it this afternoon. I just… Be patient with me.”

A hand came up and palmed his cheek. “Take all the time you want. I’m not going anywhere.”

And as he’d thought before, that was one of the biggest reasons why she had him in the palm of her hand—literally and figuratively. She wasn’t pushy. Didn’t insist he open up and spill all his secrets. She took him exactly the way he was. And the reassurance that she wasn’t leaving only made him want to open up to her all the more.

Henley went up on her tiptoes and tugged on the back of his neck. He obliged and leaned down so she could reach him. She kissed him quickly and nodded. “Right, so now that we’ve settled the fact that I trust you, what do you want to do for dinner tonight?”

Tonka grinned. “I’ve got about two hours’ worth of stuff to do here since I took time off for the meeting.”

“No problem. I saw you had some ground beef in your fridge. You want me to make meatballs? Or we could have sliders?”

“Meatballs sound awesome,” Tonka said.

“Cool. I’ll see if I can find Jasna. She’s around here somewhere. I’ll get her to help me. That’ll give you space to get things done here without her tagging along.”

“I was going to have her go around and refill the bird feeders on the property with any guests who want to help,” Tonka said.

“Cool. I’ll tell her to come to your cabin when she’s done and she can help with the meatballs.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Tonka said.

Henley smiled at him and shook her head.

“What?” he asked.

“It’s just that if someone had told my ten-year-old self that I’d be this happy twenty-five years in the future, I would’ve told them there was no way. Take your time, Finn. I’ll text you when dinner’s close to being ready.”

Tonka nodded, as he couldn’t get any words past the lump in his throat. He watched as Henley walked away. She turned at the barn door, waved, then was gone once more.

How long he stood there, trying to get control of his emotions, Tonka wasn’t sure. But eventually he roused himself enough to get moving. The faster he got done here, the faster he could get home and spend time with Henley and Jasna.