Chapter 25

CHAPTER 25

SEPTEMBER 9TH, 1666

W hen Rowan made it to the infirmary door, he was met with a worried looking Henri rushing back into the room carrying an armful of towels.

"Where is he?" Rowan demanded. He felt like there were snakes squirming around in his stomach. He didn't know what had happened to Logan or how badly he was hurt. But John and Henri's urgency told him it was serious. Whatever it was, it was Rowan's fault. For complacently extending their time here. For leaving Logan alone to go for one last tryst with Yves. For ever trusting Yves and bringing them here in the first place.

"Robin's tending him," Henri said. He shifted the towels to one arm to chew at his cuticles. "It's bad, Captain."

"How bad? What happened?" Rowan felt suddenly frozen. He didn't want to go in there. Because when he saw Logan it would make his failure real.

"I don't know. I was on the docks, and I heard a boom. Then John was rowing him back?—"

They were interrupted by the infirmary door opening.

"Henri, I need—" Robin stopped short when he saw Rowan standing there. "Even better, Captain, I need both of you. Now."

Rowan didn't argue. He and Henri just followed Robin into the infirmary.

Logan writhed on a waist-height table at the end of the room. His breath came out in little gasping sobs, and his clothing and face were peppered with spots of blood. His skin was pale with the loss of it.

Rowan's eyes went immediately to his right arm. The white sleeve of Logan's shirt was soaked in dark blood and black powder burns, and the arm beneath ended in a lump of red meat and gristle and bone where his hand should have been.

Rowan's steps faltered, but Robin pushed him forward.

"There's no time to waste. I need you two to hold him down for the amputation."

"A-amputation?" Henri's deep voice sounded so small. "You can't save his hand?"

Robin grimaced but got on with the business of scrubbing his hands. "It's beyond saving. Believe me, I would save it if I could, but it would be best to get it off as soon as possible." He dried his hands on a clean cloth. "Captain, you take his upper body. Henri, legs. I gave him something for the pain, and I think he's still in shock, but once I start cutting, he's going to struggle."

From Rowan's previous interactions with Robin, he'd seen the man as shy, almost demure. But here in his element, Robin was confident and capable. Rowan did as he was told. He laid his body crossways across Logan's chest, pinning his uninjured arm to his side. Henri did the same with his legs.

Logan's eyelids fluttered open, eyes glassy with shock or the drugged stupor of whatever Robin had given him.

"Captain?" His voice was dreamy. He looked like a fallen angel, all blond curls and blood.

"It's okay, Logan. Just rest. It will be okay." Rowan tried not to look at the gleaming utensils Robin laid out on the table next to him.

"Bite this," Robin instructed, placing a thick piece of leather between Logan's teeth. Logan's glassy eyes widened as if he knew what was about to happen, but he bit down. Robin rolled the bloody sleeve up to reveal a tourniquet around Logan's upper arm. Rowan averted his gaze, looking instead at Logan's face.

"It will be okay," Rowan murmured, hoping he sounded reassuring despite the rawness in his throat.

He felt the moment Robin began cutting. Logan's body bucked. He tried to spit out the strap, but Rowan shoved it back in, muffling his scream behind the leather. Rowan and Henri held him as still as they could, neither able to look at what Robin was doing. Rowan buried his face in Logan's chest, listening to the frantic hammering of his heartbeat.

"I'm sorry," he murmured into the blood-speckled fabric. His tears mingled with the blood. "It's all my fault. I'm sorry."

The minutes seemed to drag on forever, but Logan blessedly passed out halfway through.

Some time later the smell of searing flesh brought Rowan out of his guilty contemplations. His head rose to see Robin cauterizing the stump of Logan's arm, a faint wisp of smoke curling up from where the hot metal met flesh.

"Is it done?" Henri asked. He looked exhausted, face tearstained and hair disheveled. "Will he be okay?"

Robin hung the cauterizing instrument on a metal rack to cool and released the bloody tourniquet from around Logan's arm. He didn't answer till he removed the dented strap from Logan's teeth and checked his vitals. He sighed.

"As long as we can stave off infection, he should be fine." He couldn't seem to look either of them in the eye. Had he known about Yves's plans too? Or was he simply uncomfortable seeing the anguish on his lover's face? He began wrapping the stump in clean white bandages. "I'm going to give him something to help him sleep for a while, and there are a couple big splinters I have to remove. You two should go clean up." He scooped up Logan's unconscious body and transferred him to one of the empty cots near the window.

Rowan was about to protest, but he realized that there were spots of blood all over his shirt. Robin unbuttoned the front of Logan's shirt and began the painstaking process of removing several large splinters from beneath Logan's skin. Rowan pulled Henri to the side.

"Stay here," he whispered fiercely. "I know you like Robin, but this was all orchestrated by Yves somehow. We can't trust him. Don't let Logan out of your sight."

Henri looked at him in disbelief. "I-I don't think Robin would have anything to do with something like that," he whispered.

"Regardless, keep an eye on Logan. He'll need a friend here when he wakes up."

"What are you going to do?"

"Gather the crew. We're leaving as soon as Logan can be moved."

Rowan left the infirmary, only to find an unwelcome figure waiting in the hallway.

John.

The first mate's expression was stricken, nervous. And seeing him there made the rage that had been slowly simmering in Rowan's gut boil over.

"You," he snarled. Before John could so much as raise his hands in defense, Rowan slammed him into the wall, one hand bunched in the front of his shirt, and punched him square in the jaw.

"Tell me exactly what happened. What did Yves tell you to do?"

John was silent. He didn't deny it. Didn't defend himself. He knew what Rowan had heard in the office was as good as a confession.

"Is Logan okay?" He'd never sounded more uncertain, more guilty.

"He lost his hand." Rowan spat the words at him like poison. John squeezed his eyes shut, collecting himself. Did he really feel so guilty about what he'd done? If so, why had he done it in the first place?

"Yves ordered me to sabotage the Siren and make it look like an accident so you would have to stay longer…" His eyes met Rowan's, full of genuine guilt. "No one was supposed to get hurt. I saw you at the house, and I thought…I thought no one was on the Siren . I was going to…" He paused, sucking in a shuddering breath. "Logan caught me, we fought, and one of the gunpowder kegs I'd messed with went off right in his face. I didn't mean for him to get hurt. I swear."

Rowan released his hold on John's shirt, and John slumped against the wall.

"He did all this just so I would stay here?" Rowan felt sick to his stomach. It really was his fault. Yves had done this because of him, because of their relationship.

John didn't answer, but Rowan didn't need one. He pushed away and stalked down the hall just as Fox came sprinting around the corner.

"Captain! What happened? I heard—" He stopped short when he saw Rowan's blood-stained shirt, and tears began to well in his eyes. "Is Logan…"

"He's alive. He lost his hand, but he's alive," Rowan reassured him. He drew Fox closer by the hand. "Go check on him, only for a minute, then gather the crew quietly and prepare the Siren for departure."

Fox's tears spilled silently over his cheeks, but he nodded.

Rowan hurried up the stairs. It was still light out; they could still make it out of the harbor and into open water if they hurried. The conditions wouldn't be ideal, but they could make it. After that, he didn't know. He supposed they would go back to their usual pirating as planned. But his mind was a muddle of confused feelings.

He'd thought he could trust Yves. He'd thought Yves actually cared for him. But for Yves to betray him like this… Even if he hadn't meant for anyone to get hurt, he'd gone too far. It was clear now whatever care he had for Rowan was purely selfish. He only cared for what Rowan could do for him, and for the conquest of getting his rival into bed.

Rowan should never have trusted him, but all that didn't mean Rowan could just turn off his own feelings. Had it all been a lie? Each kiss? Each word? Even meeting his sister and telling him about the darkness in his past? Rowan's heart couldn't quite believe that. Still, he knew he had to leave now, before Yves could ply him with more lies. Before his own heart could talk him out of it.

Rowan stopped in front of the door to the room he and Yves had shared for the past few weeks. He told himself Yves wouldn't be on the other side of this door. He would just change into clean clothes, gather his things, and leave.

He opened the door.

Yves jumped up from the bed as Rowan entered.

"Rowan!" He didn't approach, just stood there looking lost. Rowan said nothing in return. He grabbed his rucksack and began shoving clothes into it.

"You're leaving." Yves's voice was dark, and it wasn't a question.

"What do you think?" Rowan snapped. He pulled some undergarments on under his skirt. He wouldn't be changing into clean clothes with Yves here. He couldn't even stand to look at him. While he'd been riding Yves, his best friend had been hurt on Yves's orders. The thought disgusted and shamed him .

"Rowan. Please. Just let me explain." Yves took a few tentative steps toward him. But Rowan was already back at the door, his bag over his shoulder.

"John explained well enough," he answered coldly.

"Darling, all I wanted to do was keep?—"

Rowan made a sound of disgust and fled.

Fox had done his work well and quickly. The crew was already being ferried out to the Siren in landing boats. In his haste, Rowan hadn't considered whether the ship was damaged in the explosion, but it looked seaworthy enough to get them out of here, even with the soft rain that prefaced an imminent storm beginning to patter on the docks.

Rowan spotted Fox directing the exodus and approached, handing his bag off to another crew member.

"How soon can we depart?" Rowan asked. In Logan's absence, Fox had become the de facto first mate.

Fox's lips thinned to a line. "The Siren will be ready within the hour, but conditions aren't great. The hold is a bit charred, and Robin says we shouldn't move Logan just yet."

He could deal with the first two, but if they took Logan and his health worsened because of it, Rowan would never forgive himself.

"Keep loading up. I'll talk to him." He spotted Ga?l helping load up a boat and glared at him. Fox's lover had asked him some time ago if he could join the Siren 's crew, but now Rowan couldn't help but be suspicious of anyone connected to Yves.

Fox gripped Rowan's upper arm. "Whatever Yves did, Ga?l has nothing to do with it. He's part of the Siren now."

"Fine." Rowan didn't have the strength to argue right now. If Ga?l had ulterior motives, he would deal with it later. Rowan turned and ran back up to the house. He found Henri and Robin having a quiet argument over Logan's unconscious body in the infirmary. Two packed bags rested at Henri's feet. They fell silent when Rowan entered.

"We're going," Rowan said without preamble.

Henri was about to say something, but Robin stepped in front of him .

"Logan is still unstable. You don't have a physician on board, and Logan needs proper care for a wound like this."

"I don't want to leave Robin," Henri added. His voice was raw, not just from crying over Logan.

Rowan sighed in exasperation.

"If you think I'm leaving you or Logan here after this, you're crazy. You will be on that ship within the hour." He turned to Robin. "I don't care if Yves is willing to release you from service. He almost stole my best friend's life, so I am stealing his prized physician. Logan will be fine on the ship if you're there, right?"

Robin hesitated for only a moment before nodding.

"Good. I expect the three of you on the Siren as soon as possible." He turned on his heel and left without looking back.

The rain fell gently around Yves as he stood on the shore, sticking his hair to his forehead. He still wore the clothing he'd fucked Rowan in earlier. Just as Rowan still wore his skirt, now stained with the blood of his friend. Yves swallowed, his mind sifting through what he would say.

The docks were all but deserted by the time Rowan arrived. Only Fox and Ga?l remained on shore. A few of the villagers watched curiously from their porches, and out in the harbor, the Siren was lit up with activity.

Rowan stalked past him, determinedly not sparing him even a glance.

Yves grabbed his arm, harder than he'd intended. He consciously eased his grip, pushing down the part of him that wanted to pick Rowan up and lock him away forever.

"You can't leave."

"I won't be kept ," Rowan snarled.

Yves swallowed his pride, letting the shame over what he'd done rise to the surface. That was exactly what he'd wanted to do. Keep Rowan here, away from danger. Keep him for himself and devour him whole.

But he knew now. If he did that, Rowan would only resent him. He was not a man meant for domesticity. If Yves kept him here, he would lose the things that made him. His daring. His cleverness. They would wither in captivity like a caged bird losing its song. The only thing that would remain was his old hatred for Yves. Yves had let his own selfish desires override Rowan's needs. No matter how desperately Yves wanted to keep him here, to delay their separation just a little longer, he had to accept Rowan's choice.

He stepped closer, hesitantly reached out to cup Rowan's rain-damp cheek in his hand.

"I could no more keep you than I could keep the stars under my bed. Just…" His voice trembled. "Promise me that I will see you again. Promise that we will not be enemies."

Rowan's eyes widened. Could he not understand, after all of this, the true depths of Yves's feelings for him? They hadn't ever spoken the words, and Yves had thought himself incapable of such feelings. But somehow Rowan had broken through that deep darkness inside him and brought down the blue sky to soothe his churning waters. That hunger, that need to possess him, keep him, it all came from Yves's fear that he would lose Rowan and be alone again with only the nameless darkness for company. And even though Yves knew he was incapable of loving Rowan as he deserved, in his heart he chose to name these impossible feelings love.

Rowan didn't seem to feel the same, especially not now that Yves had hurt him so thoroughly. Yves longed to snatch back his foolish actions, to accept the fact that to Rowan, he might just be a pleasing body to pass the time until he could return to the sea where he belonged. He could accept that, if only Rowan would stay by his side. Tears formed in Yves's eyes, and he forced them down.

Rowan searched Yves's expression, blue eyes trying to reveal all his secrets and vulnerabilities. Yves wanted to give everything to him, but his heart ached in a way he'd never felt before. And that made him shrink in on himself.

"I promise we will not be enemies," Rowan said quietly, placing his hand over Yves's where it rested on his cheek. "As for seeing you again, I-I don't think I can forgive you for this."

Yves's heart fractured just a little more, the darkness within him frantically trying to mend the damage and not succeeding.

"I'm sorry. I should never have tried to keep you. I'm sorry I hurt Logan."

Rowan nodded, looking unsure of what to say.

That was all Yves was likely to get. A simple promise that they would not try to kill each other when they went back to their old lives. Yet Yves was a selfish man at heart.

He smiled his shiniest, most charming smile.

"Grant me just one more thing."

Rowan's eyebrows rose, but he remained silent.

"Don't go out in this storm." Yves could sense the tides beyond the shelter of Illusion's bay churning with dangerous potential and smell the imminent storm in the air. He could not protect Rowan from all the dangers of the world, but at least he could prevent him from sailing into this storm. So he laid it out like the terms of another truce, even though he wanted nothing more than to fall to his knees at Rowan's feet and beg him to stay.

A war of indecision waged in Rowan's eyes. Then his gaze flicked over Yves's shoulder, and he stepped out of Yves's reach. Yves turned to see Henri and Robin making their way slowly down the path. The limp form of Logan in a cart behind them.

For a moment Yves feared the man was dead, but a puff of breath escaped into the chilled air above Logan's still form.

His fear turned to shame. He had not once asked after Logan's condition when it was all his fault.

When he turned back, Rowan was looking up at him.

"I'm taking Robin and Ga?l."

Yves couldn't argue with that. If that was what Rowan wanted, he would not interfere. For once, he would be unselfish. Rowan's eyes flicked to his injured friend as they passed, then back up to Yves. "He's alive. You're lucky he is. If he had died…" Rowan took a deep breath. "If he had died, nothing in this world would keep me from my revenge. But Logan is a more forgiving man than I. We will stay the night in the harbor and let the storm pass. If he wakes before then, I'll send for you so you can make your apologies in person."

He turned on his heel and strode away to the waiting boat.