12. Deirdre

12

DEIRDRE

Divorce minus 105 days

G etting divorced was the best thing they'd ever done for their marriage, Deirdre thought.

It was strange to sleep in their big bed by herself, and even stranger not to have him in the house during the day, but when they were together, she and Dean were somehow back to all their best times.

There were no arguments over chores or duties, no quarreling over dishes. They were kind, and careful to laugh and keep things light whenever they met in town, which was quite a lot because Green Valley was the size of a postage stamp. They did thoughtful things for each other and teased each other warmly. Old jokes were funny again. Nothing could make them mad. They were a team.

The whole town learned she and Dean were separated within a few days. They told a few selected friends that the divorce was pending, knowing that it would spread across Green Valley like wildfire. That, and the fact that Dean was clearly living at the fire station, suggested a finality that no one was willing to take at face value.

"You and Dean are just having a bit of a tiff," Patricia suggested kindly when Deirdre told her. "You always get over these things."

"We've already filed the papers," Deirdre said firmly. One hundred and five days were left to get through. Then, she'd be gone from this nosy little town with her mate in Milwaukee.

"You don't have to go through with it," Patricia said, sitting down opposite. "That's why there's a waiting period. Dean's a great guy."

"He is great," Deirdre said. "He's just not…" Juan. The one . "We're great as friends, we're just not great at being married."

"It's easy to think that when you're having a fight."

Usually, Deirdre liked Patricia's good-hearted meddling. She was always sensible, and she'd been a huge help when Aaron was born and Deidre realized she didn't know much about babies. Patricia was talking about opening a preschool in town, and it was exactly the sort of thing she was perfectly suited for, she was so gentle and patient.

But Deirdre wasn't a toddler, and she didn't want to be coddled or convinced. "Can I get the French toast and a coffee?"

Patricia was sensitive enough to let it drop then, but not everyone was.

"If you ever need someone to talk to, you drop by the church. I'm happy to do marriage counseling for the young folks in this town going through tough times."

"Thank you, Minister Dave," Deirdre said through clenched teeth as she passed the paper bag over the counter. Green Valley had more churches than a town its size could use, and the clergy of each of them considered every lost soul a direct competition. "I'll keep that in mind. Do you need a receipt?"

She wondered if she imagined the upswing in customers at the store. It seemed like everyone suddenly needed a new screwdriver set or a single nut for a home improvement project, and just happened to have pointed relationship advice to lay on the counter with their purchases.

It helped the store's bottom line, but it was also deeply frustrating to have to tell people over and over again, "We're really breaking up. It's official. Yes, Dean's a great guy. No, it's not going to work out."

Deirdre felt mired in doubt. If she couldn't keep this marriage together, what made her think she could make it work with a mate?

"That boy of yours deserves two parents," Marta told her bluntly the following week, standing behind her in line at the grocery store. "I tell you, divorce is the reason that this country has so many problems. No one is willing to put in the effort to make things work out."

"Aaron will still have two parents," Deirdre said sharply, trying to keep Aaron from grabbing every candy from the display. Why did they have to stack the sweets next to the cashier where little kids had to be bored while they waited to check out? Why did she have to be stuck here with Marta while the grocer was off doing a price check because she was the only one working?

Marta sniffed disapprovingly. "You thought about how you're going to explain it to him?"

"He's not even two," Deirdre snapped back. "I'll tell him that Mommy and Daddy live in different houses and that's the end of it. He won't even care . "

"CANDY," Aaron said, straining against the belt of the shopping cart. "CARE CANDY!"

"We're not getting candy, sweetheart," Deirdre told him firmly.

Whether it was just the act of being thwarted at the end of a long day, or if Aaron could pick up on Deirdre's prickly feelings, or if he just saw a great opportunity, the little boy decided that was the perfect moment to pitch an epic fit.

Deirdre left the store without buying anything in her cart, trying to keep Aaron from kicking her and howling her ear off, feeling like the worst mother in the world, as well as the worst wife.

Dean was waiting next to their car. His car. "Hey, cub, why are you beating up on your mom like that?" He took Aaron and swept him upside down, turning the screams of fury into screams of delight.

This did not help Deirdre's feelings of inadequacy, and she hated that her eyes filled with tears.

"I wouldn't buy him candy," she said with a sob. "I left my cart full of frozen food that is melting at the checkout. Everyone hates me!"

"Hey, hey, no one hates you," Dean bounced Aaron in place. "Me and Aaron are going to buy the groceries, but NO CANDY, and you are going to go to the library and get a dirty book or two. I'll bring you the stuff for the freezer and then Aaron I will go out for dinner at Gran's and hit the park so you have enough time to take a bath and read one of your sobbing stories. I'll bring him home ready to conk out."

Dean really was a great guy.

"I can't ask you to do that," Deirdre said softly.

"You didn't ask me. I offered. You've had all the dinner and nighttime and breakfast duties with him while I'm living the bachelor life at the fire station with microwave meals and cold cereal and beer. I can take him for one evening."

"Are you sure?"

"Absosmutely. Are you ready for the big boy swings, Aaron?"

"He'll slide right off!" Deirdre protested as Aaron gleefully approved. She was pretty sure he had no idea what he was agreeing to.

"Mom knows best," Dean told Aaron, and Deirdre wondered if he'd deliberately set her up for the compliment.

Dean took Aaron back into the store, chortling happily now, and Deirdre paused a moment before walking towards the library.

She intended to follow Dean's advice, but veered off before she got to the old brick library building, walking through the park instead, past the cemetery, to where the forest stretched into the sleepy town.

It was quiet in the shade of the trees, the sounds of the town diminishing quickly behind her as she followed a familiar track deeper into the woods, and she paused to carefully listen before she undressed and stashed her clothing behind a fallen tree.

It had been too long since she shivered into her deer form. Being a mom and juggling the hardware store and her job with the school left her little time for getting away by herself, and Deirdre had missed the comforting feel of four legs.

At first, she just walked, but it quickly turned into a trot, and finally a fleet-footed run, until she was stumbling out of the forest into a field, sides heaving.

Why are you sad? her deer wanted to know. There is sun on our flanks and it feels good to run !

I'm letting Dean down, Deirdre replied. I'm so conflicted and confused. How can I love someone else?

He is our mate, her deer answered firmly. It was meant to be.

But Dean…

Dean was right then. Juan is right now.

It was so simple to her deer, and Deirdre could feel some of her anguish melting away. It somehow helped that there was a reason she and Dean had a rocky marriage; she and Dean were not meant to be forever. She couldn't regret being with him, and she would always treasure the time that they'd had. They had a beautiful, clever little son, and so many happy memories. They'd grown up together, and changed in so many ways.

And now it was changing again, and she could look forward with joy and anticipation.

Deirdre gave a great sigh and turned back the way she'd come, feeling more at peace than she could remember.

She could let Dean go, leaving herself free to love again.