Chapter 23

Rose

C hristmas music pumped through the loudspeaker, grating on his nerves. Not that he wasn't the festive sort—he was—but mass-produced, poppy Christmas music just wasn't his bag. It made him long for the days of his youth, when Christmas carolers went door to door or sang in little choirs in the town square. That'd been nigh a hundred and fifty years ago, though. An age long since past.

He made his way out of the hotel where the company Christmas party was being held and stepped into a secluded back alley, grateful for the relative quiet of the space. It wasn't often he got overwhelmed by sensory things at his age. When it happened, though, it hit him hard.

Why humans insist on having their music so loud at a social function with that many people is beyond me. Can't even hear my own thoughts, let alone what others are trying to say to me.

Hell, he wouldn't even be here if he had any sort of money to his name. But the stock market crash in 1929 and then the recession just a few years ago wiped out everything he'd saved, forcing him back into white-collar work. He fucking envied the hell out of all the other Otherkind who'd kept their wealth and could weather these uncertain times.

You'd think being a merman with energy manipulation powers would be valuable, he thought bitterly. Guess not.

He lit a cigarette, and the first drag burned our lungs, his healing capabilities fighting against the willful damage he was doing to our body. It was the one vice he'd kept over these long years, though he knew he really ought to quit, expensive habit that it was.

"Could I borrow a light?" asked a voice to his left.

He turned to see one of his merfolk colleagues' wives, a woman named Molly Young, stepping out into the cold. One look at her aura and the dark circles under her eyes, and he could tell she was agitated. Oh, right, he thought, she's just had a baby recently. No wonder she looks ready to fall asleep where she's standing.

"Sure," he said, digging back into our pocket to pull out our lighter again. When he found it, he handed it to her.

It took her only a second to light up, and she handed it back as she took a drag herself. "Thanks."

"No problem."

They stood there in silence. It was a peaceful sort of thing, sharing space with one of his kind. The quiet didn't last, though. It never did.

"You have a family?" she asked out of nowhere.

"Huh?"

"I noticed you were wearing a wedding band, so I assumed you had a family," she explained, putting the cigarette back to her lips.

He lifted his left hand, then hid a flinch when he saw she was right. "I did, but hunters got to 'em. Killed my wife and our three kids while she was away visiting her sister. Slaughtered twelve of my family members that day, including the dog."

"Oh, shit. That's horrible." Her face twisted. "I'm sorry that happened. I didn't know."

"It's… well, it's not alright, but it is what it is. It was about fifty years ago at this point." He took one last drag then put the butt out against the wall of the building. His first instinct was to flick the butt onto the ground, but he pocketed it instead. Trying to be environmentally friendly and all that.

He walked around her to head back inside but stopped when she said, "Well, I hope you get to see them soon."

His head snapped toward her, but it was too late. The world around him went dark before he could finish saying, "The fuck?"

Tears burned my eyes as I blinked away the vision, looking upon the man before me once more. I squeezed his hands, trying so hard to compose myself. Trying not to lose it in front of him. He didn't need the burden of my emotions. He needed me to send him to the afterlife, wherever that may be for him.

"What's your name?" I finally asked past the lump in my throat.

I'm Paul Alvarez , he replied, his voice deep and scratchy.

"Okay," I said, giving him my best smile. "Let's send you home."

Thank you so fucking much, Rose, he said, choked up. I am ready to see my family now.

It took everything in me not to cry at his words, to grieve that he'd been barred from them longer than necessary.

"Paul," I recited, sounding more confident than I truly felt, "I see you. I see you and witness you as your spirit passes from one plane to the next. You will be one with the sea once more, and you shall find your rest. Let's take your final steps in this life together."

He squeezed my hands, his gratitude whispering in my mind as his reaper—the same red-sneakered woman from before—walked up. The sliver of shining golden divinity nestled in his gunmetal grey soul lifted from his chest and sank into mine. The addition of his divinity dropped into the pool of my power, descending until it took its place below the yellow of Daniel's aura. The force of it made my breath whoosh from my chest. Then the pain of my soul being torn open turned my world black again.

Morning came both too soon and not soon enough.

Sending a soul was supposed to help me feel like I was doing something useful and productive. However, what it really meant was that my chest hurt and I didn't get as much sleep as I needed. Not only that, but the moment I woke up, I remembered what I was supposed to be doing that day, and my anxiety bapped me upside the head. I had to tell Will and Milo my feelings.

I got ready slowly, trying to psych myself up, but was only reminded how utterly bad at talking about my feelings I was. So freaking bad.

Ava and Aira were champs throughout the morning. They pumped me up as we ate breakfast, reminding me that both of my mates wanted this to work out and that they were going to be patient with me while I sorted out my feelings. It helped marginally… until breakfast was finished, and I knew I needed to actually go. They walked me to the front door and paused when I hesitated.

"Listen," said Ava, leaning in close, "if you need an out, or my brother needs his ass kicked, you say the codeword."

I blinked at her. "The codeword?"

"Yeah. Banana hammock. Say that if you need an out."

I snorted; I couldn't help it. "Alright. I'll yell banana hammock really loud if I need you to rescue me."

"Good girl. Now, go give them hell," she replied, then reached out and swatted my ass.

"Hey!" I squeaked. "You are incorrigible."

"And you love me for it!"

Aira, on the other hand, took me into her arms for a short hug. "You've got this!"

After another three rounds of goodbyes and encouragement, I was out the door, stepping off the porch and heading to Milo's. As I walked up the lane, I could see Milo and Will through the window, both sitting on the couch. They were close to each other, within touching distance. I wondered if they were holding hands. How they'd dealt with my sudden departure. On the heels of that thought, though, was guilt.

I hope I didn't hurt them. I hope they can understand after I explain, I thought as I closed the distance between us. Eli, please give me the courage and fortitude to be able to go through with this… because I feel like I'm going to throw up.

When I got to the porch, I hesitated for just a moment, my fear threatening to overtake me when I heard the soft murmuring of their voices.

Before I could talk myself out of doing this, I threw open the front door and stepped inside to face them. Their heads snapped up—they pinned me with their shocked stares, and for a brief, wild moment, part of me wanted to walk right back out and hide in my borrowed bedroom at Ava and Aira's. But I forced myself to hold my ground and ignore my instinct to run from confrontation.

My words, when I found them, rushed out of me in a flurry. "I love you. I love both of you. And I want to be with you both, but I don't know what that means, or how to feel, or even how any of this works because that wasn't something people in my world did."

I took a deep breath and continued. "The very idea of leaving either of you makes me want to rip my own heart out, and that scares me a little… a lot… because I'm not good enough for either of you, and I'm so fucking terrified you are going to leave me when you realize that I'm actually kind of the worst at being a person. But I want to try… if you'll have me."

For a long, long moment, they just stared at me in stunned silence. All I could hear was the pounding of my heart against my ribs, the rasp of my too-fast breath in and out of my lungs. I made a mistake. They don't want me anymore. They decided I'm not worth the hassle, and—

Lips crashed into mine, cutting off all my hateful thoughts on the verge of spiraling out of control. Warm cinnamon filled my nose as big hands cupped my cheeks. Milo kissed me as if he'd never be allowed to kiss me again; his lips alone emptied my mind of all the anxious flurries of thoughts crowding my mind. How could I worry when one of the men I loved embraced me so? Only when I melted in his arms, my body going soft and pliant for him, did he pull away.

I looked up into jade eyes that were misted over and warm with love. Pure joy played over Milo's features, chasing away any chance for my nerves to take root again. When a tear rolled down his cheek, I reached up and wiped it away with my thumb.

"I think I've been waiting to hear that my whole life," he whispered, leaning down to kiss my forehead. "Come sit down with us. We have a lot to talk about, if you're ready."

"I mean, I don't know if I'll ever be ready, but I want to talk about this," I replied just as quietly.

Milo led me to the end of the couch, then moved over to the loveseat so we all had space—a detail I appreciated. This, however, gave me a full view of Will, who sat staring at me with such a wondrous expression I hardly recognized him.

"Do you mean it?" he asked so quietly I almost didn't hear him, even with my supernatural hearing. "Do you mean what you said about loving both of us?"

All I could do was nod.

What I wanted to say was I'd loved him since before he'd left. I'd loved him every day he'd been gone, and I'd loved him even more for coming back when I called. I'd never stopped loving him, though I hadn't had the words or emotional capacity to realize it at the time.

A gentle brush fluttered against my mind, alerting me to the presence of another in my thoughts, and I knew from his wide-eyed expression that Will had heard my silent declarations loudly and clearly. My cheeks heated. Not from embarrassment, but from how vulnerable I felt with him knowing this secret of mine. It was clear he wasn't expecting to hear this from me. He glanced at Milo, who broke out into a bright, pleased smile.

Everything is on the table now. Now we can really start to figure things out.

"I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am to hear you're willing to try this," said Milo, his happiness softening to something more tender. "Will and I talked in depth last night about… a lot of things regarding the three of us. Now that you're here, we can all communicate fully about, well, everything."

"You… talked about us?" I asked, almost surprised.

"Of course. We wanted to make sure we were on the same page about this." Will gave me a gentle look, knowing me well enough to understand how unsure I was. "All we ask while you're here is to be open, and willing to be honest. There are things in this conversation that we need from you, here, as well."

That made my stomach knot up. "Okay," I whispered.

Milo looked ready to get out of his seat to pull me into his arms, but he stayed put—not without great effort, if the flexing of his hands was any indication. "I won't beat around the bush, to save you the anxiety. The gist of what we've agreed upon is that, with your permission, we'd both like to court you. Whether you choose one, both, or neither of us will be completely up to you, but we'd like to try to make this work out for all of us. And on top of that, we'd like to try at being a throuple as well."

His eyes met mine, that lovely jade staring directly into my soul. The intensity of it had me wanting to sink back into the couch cushions out of habit more than fear, but I forced myself to stay present and steady. They're safe. They love me, I told myself before asking hesitantly, wondering how much I was going to like the answer, "What does that look like to you both?"

Another ghost of a smile tilted up one corner of Will's lips. "There's no need to look so nervous. We're not going to be jumping into making you a monster sandwich… unless you'd like that, of course." I choked on air as the implication washed over me, my face heating a million degrees. Will cackled as he reached over and whacked Milo on the arm. "Looks like she wouldn't mind that at all."

Now even Milo was smirking, the tiniest bit of heat in his eyes.

Suddenly, a new future rose before my eyes. Not one of fights and anxiety about the two of them sharing me, but one where they actually got along and worked together… against me. I don't know whether that's better or not. On second thought, I think that might be worse. But it was a future that would be better than the one that we currently faced. Much better.

They looked well pleased with my reaction, and my face only grew that much hotter. I stammered, "That's a discussion for a not-now time."

Will and Milo both laughed, and I finally gave in and hid my face in my hands.

"I agree. We can negotiate that sort of thing later," laughed Milo. "For now, though, let's keep to the matter at hand."

"What he's trying to say is that we're proposing that you date us individually as well as all three of us dating together," said Will, taking pity on me. "You can sleep with both of us, you can go on dates, spend time with us. Anything and everything that you want to, and neither of us will stop you, make comments, or make you feel bad about it, and we will do the same with the three of us, too."

I sat with that a moment, trying to decide whether I was up for that sort of thing. Triple the dates, double the dick, as Ava would say… It was intimidating to say the least. I was awful at all the dating stuff with one person as it was, but to do that times two? Yet the alternative was to have only one or neither of them. You never know if you can do something until you try it, as Father would say… not that he'd have thought that applied to this kind of thing, even in his wildest dreams…

"I'm going to regret asking this, but"—I paused, trying to get the words out even as my cheeks flamed again—"did you both actually discuss having sex with me?"

To my surprise, neither laughed. I kind of wanted them to, if only to add some levity to the situation. So when they didn't, I was left wanting to curl up and hide my face once again.

Milo nodded. "We did, yes. Like I told you before, communication is important, and though I respect that you aren't as comfortable with the topic yet, it's an important aspect of courtship and compatibility for the two of us, at least. We discussed in depth what we would be willing to do with each other and how we would handle jealousy if it came up. We also think it would be unfair to deny any of us sex, should we all consent to it."

"But this is only if you want to have sex with either of us," said Will gently. "We're also open to waiting until you get more comfortable with both of us. It's not like we don't know that the idea of being with two strapping lads like us might be hard for you to come to terms with. You were human not so long ago, after all."

I took a moment to consider what they were saying, softening for the men before me. "You're right. I'm not sure how I feel about all this." I fiddled with the hem of my dress. "But I'm willing to try. I don't know how to do this. I didn't even really know how to be with one of you, let alone two of you."

"There's no need to rush into anything, sweetheart. We can take all the time you need to get used to all this," Milo added.

There was a beat of silence while I processed this. This was a lot to take in, but if I was honest with myself, it wasn't surprising. I opened my mouth to tell them I wanted to give it my best try, but Will beat me to it, asking me a question I didn't expect.

"What did you mean by saying you were bad at being a person?" Will asked, his ocean eyes roiling.

Oh. Well…

"You both know I grew up in an abusive household. My mother would always use my emotions against me, so I learned to hide them in order to survive." I took a deep breath, held it, then let it out slowly before continuing. "She'd always tell me how my emotions were a burden, how no one wanted to see them. The lessons linger. I don't always know how I'm feeling. I have to sit and think about my emotions, and now that I'm basically going through second puberty, I don't have control over how I feel. It's why, sometimes, I'm going to need to take a breather and figure myself out before we discuss things. Like yesterday. I don't want you to feel like it's a slight against you or that I'm rejecting you. It's not that at all. I just… I need practice feeling what I'm feeling rather than rationalizing it away. But that will take time."

"Is that why you think you aren't good enough for us?" Will asked. "Because of your mother?"

I nodded again, focusing on my hands as they pinched the fabric of my dress. "You both have done so much for me, and I don't think I could ever make it up to you. I know, rationally, you're going to tell me I don't need to, but my mother's voice in my head is as loud as if she were still present in my life. Having had to rely on you for so much flies in the face of everything I've been taught. I'm trying to silence that voice for good, but that will take time, too."

"You aren't a burden to us," said Milo, catching my gaze. "You never were. We agreed to help you when you needed us, and it was something we gladly wanted to do."

"He's right." Will nodded, looking between us. "This is part of trusting us. Trusting us to tell you if there's ever a time when we're out of our depth and need to regroup."

"You'd"—I paused, choosing my words carefully—"tell me if I was being a burden."

Will's eyes locked with mine. "No, but we'll tell you if we need a break or if we aren't equipped to handle something you come to us with. I think I speak for us both when I say that you could never be a burden to us, Rose. Not now, not ever."

Oh my fuck. I never thought I could love either of these men as much as I did in this moment. Not only were they willing to put up with my being a veritable robot when it came to emotions, but they also didn't think I was a burden?

I legitimately wanted to cry.

I sat back in my seat, forcing myself to push back the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. "You said there were things you needed from me as well?" I asked tentatively, wanting to get away from the topic of my feelings for a moment. Truthfully, I dreaded this more than anything else. What would they ask of me? Could I give it to them?

"Well, first," Milo started, once again taking the lead, "we want you to trust that we only want your happiness. We know that trust in our relationship will take time, especially after we kept this from you for so long, which we both regret. But we can go at your pace. We can take forever if it means we get to be with you."

Once again, my breath whooshed out of me in a rush, and I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest. Milo's sincerity always rocked me, but seeing that same earnestness on Will's face was almost too much. So, I nodded, hoping they understood I was overwhelmed with positive emotion.

"Second," Will took over, "we'd like to have a conversation with you about what you're okay with doing with us."

"I–In what way?" I asked, my eyes wide and my cheeks preemptively heating. I knew where this was going.

"Well, in all the ways, but mostly what you're okay to start with in terms of sex," he clarified.

I gulped. "Can you give me an example?"

Milo answered, serious as ever. "For example, would you be opposed to seeing him and I being intimate or having sex? Would you like to keep your relationships between us separate, or would you be willing to try being a throuple and having all of us together, in bed and out?"

Heat curled low in my stomach as I imagined the two men before me together. Kissing… touching… fucking … I had to squeeze my legs together and hope they couldn't scent me. And when I thought of the three of us together?

I wanted to combust.

"I don't think I'd mind seeing you two together, or the three of us being together, in and out of bed," I replied breathily.

"Is there anything that you think would be off-limits?" asked Milo, his eyes flickering between jade and cinnamon.

Oh, yeah. They could scent me alright.

I had to really think about it, pulling my mind out of my proverbial panties, although not completely. "Not off-limits, per se, but if any of us wanted to add a person to this, we should have a lot of discussions."

"That's completely fair. This is a lot for you to handle, and everything we do from here on out will be done with patience and care," said Will with a gentle smile.

Though they were trying their best to be reassuring, I couldn't help but squirm. I didn't know how to do this. What if I did it wrong?

"Why don't we start out slow?" Milo asked, pulling me out of my thoughts again. "If you're willing, we can head to the Autumn Market in Casper. It should be opening in an hour or so."

"Like a date?" I asked, an echo of the question I'd asked him earlier in the year.

"Exactly like a date," he replied with a wolfish grin. "And maybe after, we can go for sandwiches."

The look in their eyes as they pinned me with their gazes made my stomach drop. I'm not going to survive both of them.