Chapter 5

Grey

What did I seek?

The Mind Mage's words echoed in my mind, more probing than she'd probably meant them to be.

My gaze flicked to Carrow, and I had my answer

Her.

But right now, we needed information about a past I couldn't remember. In truth, there was much that I couldn't remember. So much in my long and terrible past that had been replaced by new memories.

The terrible things remained, of course. Humans had that uncanny ability to recall their worst times, and I was no exception. The best times?

Those were so few and far between. And now that I'd met Carrow, they all paled in comparison to what I felt for her.

No.

I knew what was in our future—she'd seen it herself. I would drink her to death, according to her vision. Though we might not know exactly why, that was enough information for me.

I couldn't have her.

I could never have her.

It would be easy enough to say that I'd never do the terrible deed, but I'd seen enough to respect magic and fate. The only way to be sure I could control myself was to avoid her as much as possible.

I blinked and turned toward Genara. She could read minds from a distance, but not mine, thank fates. My inner self was locked tight. It had taken years of practice to achieve that protection, but I considered it time well spent.

She could see into my mind if I permitted, and only if she were touching me. Even then, she couldn"t see all the way. Rather, her skills helped me unlock memories that were long forgotten.

"There is a place in Guild City with a past that I might know more about." I explained everything that Carrow had told me and that I had seen, including information about the book. "I believe I know something about it, but that information is beyond my reach."

Genara nodded, all business now. "Of course. I can help you access it."

I leaned toward her slightly, and she raised a pale, slender hand. Golden bangles clanked at her wrist, the gems sparkling under the glow of the lamps. Her eyes met mine. "May I?"

"Yes."

As her hand moved toward my temple, I looked at Carrow. She watched, interested. She seemed to have forgotten her coffee.

Genara's cool fingertips touched my temple, and I forced back a shudder of distaste. Carrow's touch I enjoyed…but only hers. Everyone else's was a burden, even Genara's.

"Focus on what you want to know," she murmured.

I felt her magic flow from her fingers into my mind, sparking through my head as her power attempted to unlock my memories. It took all my will not to fling her away. The beast inside me did not appreciate the riskiness of this endeavor. Connection with anyone—particularly connection through the mind—was dangerous.

But I was more powerful than the beast. These days, at least. I forced it to quiet, letting Genara's magic flow through me as I tried to recall the past that was locked up tight.

Nothing came.

I frowned and tried harder, thinking of everything that Carrow had told me and everything I'd seen. That should have acted as a road map pointing me toward part of my mind that I'd forgotten. With Genara's help, I should have been able to unlock it.

But I couldn't.

Why not?

Carrow set her coffee cup down, her hands twitching as if she wanted to try again now that there was someone who could teach her. The interest in her eyes glowed more keenly.

"Would you like to try?" I asked. "Perhaps Genara can show you."

Genara's eyes widened. "And give a possible competitor the drop on me?"

"I would never," Carrow said. "I'm just interested in learning."

Genara scoffed. "Hmm."

"Your power is not working yet," I said. "I can feel it inside me, but I remember nothing. Perhaps your gift and Carrow's combined can find what is lost."

"Fine." Genara held out her hand for Carrow. "Take my hand."

Carrow gripped her hand gently, her gaze fixed on me.

"Now touch the Devil's other temple with the fingertips of your free hand."

Carrow's fingers rested gently against the skin of my temple. Heat and comfort surged through me, tempting me to lean into her touch.

I stiffened, unwilling to show any interest or weakness. Their fingertips still rested against my head, and I forced myself to stay still. I hated this, but it was often worth it.

Genara gave Carrow directions, explaining how her magic worked and how Carrow could mimic it. Carrow's power flowed through me, feeling like pleasure and pain all at one. I should hate it like I hated Genara's touch, but I didn't.

I thought of the past, of trying to dredge up the lost memories. The harder I tried, the farther they seemed to recede behind a barrier between me and what I sought.

Carrow gasped and jerked her hand back, her eyes wide. "Something is wrong."

Irritation and confusion pricked at me. She was right.

I looked at Genara. "What's going on?"

"I think there's a block on your memory." She frowned. "I've never seen anything quite like that before."

"What do you mean, a block? I've forgotten something forever?"

"No, not quite. More like a curse, cast by another."

"I've been cursed?" My heartbeat thundered, and I stilled, senses on high alert. My predator senses were unlike my normal human senses, which had been dulled when I'd first been turned. These were something almost unnatural, allowing me to find prey and fellow predators alike.

"Perhaps." She shrugged. "I don't know what is happening inside your mind, but I suspect someone doesn't want you to remember something. That is all I know."

My jaw tightened, and I stood. "Thank you for your assistance."

Carrow stood as well, shooting a confused glance between Genara and me. I reached into my pocket, withdrew a golden coin, and laid it on the table. Like many mages, Genara preferred to be paid in the old manner, and I kept a coin on me for such cases.

I turned, Carrow followed, and we wound our way between the tables and down the stairs. We passed through the main part of the coffee shop, and the witches in the book room smiled when they spotted her. They rose, hesitated as their gazes met mine, then sat back down.

Carrow hurried up next to me. "This is very bad, isn't it?"

"It's bad." I stepped out onto the city street and drew in a fresh breath of air, working to calm my mind. The quiet of the garden beckoned, and I strode toward it, finding a spot in the middle that was far from any buildings or prying ears, before I turned to Carrow. "I've never been unable to access my memories before."

She frowned up at me. "Whoever tore those pages out of the book didn't want anyone to know what they did."

"And I was the only person who would outlive them, so they had to erase whatever I knew." Anger tightened my muscles. Having my mind manipulated was an invasion. It made me want to crush something. I clenched my fists, determined to remain outwardly calm. "Who the hell has fucked with my memory? Can you get that information with your gift? Not what Genara taught you, but your gift."

"By touching you?" She frowned. "I can try, but my gift doesn't work well on you. The only thing I've ever seen is information about us being Cursed Mates."

"Try. Please."

She nodded, raising a hand to grip my wrist. Her touch sent heat shooting through me, and I grounded myself with the feeling. Immediately, it calmed some of my helpless rage.

"You feel different," she said.

"What do you mean?"

"Not as angry."

"I felt angry?"

She nodded. "Like, your aura. I couldn't see it on you. You never show emotion like that. Cold as ice, like normal. But you had this…energy."

"I'm fine now. Don't worry."

She scoffed. "Hell, I'd be angry, too, if someone messed with my mind."

"I'll find them."

She nodded and closed her eyes. Her magic flowed through me, lighting me up like a bonfire. I shifted, trying to fight the pull that dragged me toward her. Drawing in a slow breath, I focused on my self-control.

Eventually, she opened her eyes and withdrew her hand. "I can't get anything." She scowled. "If I could go touch the wall again, maybe I could get more information from it."

"No." I shook my head. "It's too dangerous. Whoever we're dealing with was powerful enough to manipulate my mind. I don't want you going up against them."

"They might be dead. There's no telling when this happened. Could be hundreds of years ago."

"Could be. It's still too dangerous."

"I'm afraid that's not your call to make."

I resisted the growl that had no place in civilized conversation. "More's the pity. We need to try to find another copy of the book. See what this bastard is hiding."

"Seraphia said there aren't any more copies in her library."

"There could be another copy somewhere else. And if there is, I know someone who would know. Nevaeh Cross, a researcher at the X in Magic Side, Chicago."

"Is that another magical town?"

"It's Chicago's version of Guild City, or the Grassmarket neighborhood in Edinburgh. Hidden from human eyes but visible to supernaturals."

"Let's go to her."

"I'll contact her and tell her what we're looking for. It could take her a bit of time to find what we seek."

She opened her mouth to argue, but her mobile buzzed. She pulled it from her pocket and silently read the text before meeting my gaze. "Looks like Eve is making some progress with Mac and Seraphia. They're stable."

"Go check on them." The sun glowed orange behind her as it sank toward the horizon. "It's nearly night. Get some rest. I'll let you know when Ms. Cross has a lead."

She nodded. "Be careful."

The hint of concern in her voice warmed me, though I knew such weakness on my part was dangerous. "I will. I'll update you no later than tomorrow morning."

She nodded, then turned and left. I stared hungrily after her. Foolish, perhaps, but I couldn't help myself.