CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

JAGGER

After finally having her in my arms all night long, having a fight at seven in the morning was not on my to do list.

She stands in jeans and one of my Dark Notes t-shirts, with her hands on her hips, and a scowl on her pretty face.

“Stop trying to control me.”

I rub my temples, trying to get rid of the headache that’s forming.

“McKinley, I am not trying to control you. You have unhealthy eating habits, and I only want you to take care of yourself.”

She huffs and grabs her purse, and heads to the bathroom. I take a deep breath, because I suspect I know what she’s planning to do.

I walk into the bathroom and narrow my gaze at her. “Drop the fucking marker.”

She doesn’t drop it. Instead, she tightens her grip on it.

“You don’t understand. Leave me alone.”

That’s never going to fucking happen. I approach her, and she glares at me while she trembles with fury, but it doesn’t stop me. I wrap my arms around her and hold her close to my chest, while she tries to escape, like a damn cat that wants away from a pesky kid.

“You are beautiful just the way you are. There’s no reason to mark your stunning skin with disgusting words that aren’t even true. The voice in your head isn’t yours, baby. It’s his.”

She places her small hands on my back and sobs into my chest. My beautifully broken girl breaks down in my arms, and it hurts like a bitch. Seeing her like this, once again, only cements the fact that I’m going to kill that fucker. Tilting her head back, she gazes at me with anguish in her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

I shake my head. “Baby, none of this is your fault. We just have to replace his voice with mine, because I promise you, everything he told you was a lie. There’s nothing wrong with you. Nothing.”

She stares at me with such a lost expression it guts me. “How? I don’t know how,” she whispers.

Placing my hands on either side of her face, I tell her the truth. “I don’t know how, McKinley. I will tell you every day how fucking beautiful you are. One day, you’ll choose to believe that, over the shit he told you. Let me ask you something, baby.”

“What?” she whispers, sounding just as lost as she looks.

“Have you ever met anyone that you even thought things about them like he said to you?”

“No,” she answers in a quiet voice.

“Because they were vile things to say, right?”

“They weren’t nice things,” she admits.

I’m scared to death that my next words will push her away. Scare her, because, fuck, it scares me, but I can’t help myself.

“He didn’t love you. You don’t treat people you love like that. He didn’t love you, but I do.”

“Jagger,” she whispers and she closes her eyes.

“It’s okay. Say it back, don’t say it back, it changes nothing. You need to know that there’s someone fighting for you. Someone that cares deeply enough that he won’t let anyone hurt you again.”

Placing her hand on my chest, she sighs. “You’re a good man, Jagger. You deserve better than me. I’m fucked up. Some people even say I’m crazy. You can fuck me, but under no circumstances can you love me.”

I kiss her softly.

“As much as I think we should finish this conversation, we have to go.”

I pry the red marker from her closed fist, and toss it in the trash.

For six and a half hours on the bus, she was quiet and withdrawn. I kept asking what was going on in her mind, but she kept saying ‘nothing’. The minute we got to the venue, I got whisked away for three interviews, all asking the same stupid questions. I told her to meet me in my dressing room at seven, but I still haven’t seen her and it’s making me anxious.

Finally, there’s a knock at my door and my pulse races, knowing I get to hold her for a little bit, before the show. This is what she does to me.

“Hey, baby,” I say as the door opens, but then I see it’s not McKinley, it’s fucking Candy. And I don’t want to deal with her needy bullshit right now.

“You can’t be here.”

She doesn’t listen. Instead, she rushes over and climbs onto my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. I grab her hips to lift her off of me when I spot the open door. McKinley stares at me, with tears running down her face, and her hand over her mouth, before she turns and runs.

I push Candy off me, and she lands on the floor as I go after my girl, who thinks she just saw me cheating on her.

“McKinley!”

I race through the halls, but she’s not here. Did she leave the fucking concert hall? I call Jimmy to tell him I want her found. My band all walk out of their dressing rooms. “Ready?”

Jake is the most aware out of them, and looks at me with concern. “What’s going on?”

I tell him and they all look at me with shock, and echo my sentiment, “Fuck.”

It’s Jett that states the obvious that makes me want to punch him in the face. “I’m sorry about your girl, but the show must go on, man.”

As we walk to the backstage area, I keep my eyes peeled for her, but don’t see her. I look in the face of every brunette, but none of them are her.

I call Jimmy again to tell him I want to be notified in my earpiece the second she is found. I’m going to be an unfocused goddamn mess until I know she’s safe.

How the fuck, when I do find her, am I supposed to convince her that she didn’t see what she thinks she did? Normally, when a guy says ‘it isn’t what it looks like’, it’s exactly what it looks like, but not this time. I fucking hate that she thinks I did the same thing that asshole did. When I tell the guys we’re opening with Something I Can Never Have by Trent Reznor , they roll their eyes in unison, but I ignore them because that’s what I’m feeling right now. It’s not the fast paced song we normally start a show with. And I know my guys think I’ve lost my mind and I don’t give a shit. Maybe I have.

They know she’s not okay, but I haven’t given them details. I will have to, because they are going to help me deal with the dildo. Right now, the pain isn’t his fault though. It’s mine. I should have thrown Candy out, the second she walked into my dressing room, instead of attempting to be gentle about it.

We walk out to the stage, and the screaming crowd does nothing other than annoy me, as I stare at the spot where my girl should be standing, but it’s empty.

I finish that song and speak to the crowd. “I’m going to do a solo. Is that okay?”

Of course, they cheer. They want to hear us, and they don’t even care what songs we do, as long as we also do the hits. I place the microphone on the stand and grab my guitar, and sing one of our few ballads. Gone is a song about losing someone, and right now it’s my biggest fear. McKinley doesn’t trust as it is and I can’t blame her. And I gave her the perfect reason to never have faith in me. Sure, I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but that’s not what she saw. What she walked in on, as far as she is concerned, proves that I am what she first judged me as.

I glance around and spot a dark-haired woman by one of the side doors, but I can’t see well enough under these lights to know if it’s her. I go into the guitar solo, as the crowd cheers with excitement. I want to be into this and normally am, but fuck, I’m not.

We go into Primal , and the crowd goes wild. A dozen hits later and it’s still a crowd favorite. I remember watching McKinley dancing to it, and try to get her out of my mind to get through it. When the show ends, there’s no encore. I don’t fucking have it in me. There’s only one thing I’m interested in. Finding her and making this right. Losing her is not a goddamn option.