8. Reveal

8

REVEAL

I sit with Lucca and Ariana, digesting everything Master Vasily Ilyov just said, and feel something roar black, deep inside me. After hearing we need to abandon our agendas with the Vampires and Summer Fae—everything we’ve been working so hard for—something in me wants to go back to being my Revenant.

Master of plots and plans that I am, I berate myself now for not seeing this whole pattern sooner. The darkest part of me that hates who I am, and everything I’ve done since I was made a seeming Vampire, gnashes its teeth.

Making my blood burn cold towards my Revenant, as I sway in Lucca’s arms.

He catches me. Lucca grips me around the waist, steadying me as he, Ariana, and I sit together in bed. Ilyov sees my weakness; even as Ariana grips my hand, pouring a sweet balm into my heart, I lock eyes with Ilyov.

He knows that abandoning my aims in Vampire society will be even harder for me than it is for Lucca to give up leading the Summer Fae. I feel empty, as everything inside me roars. I feel the taint of the Gold Eyes within me then, telling me to quit. It tells me to hate myself for everything I’ve done, and how I’ve unwittingly taken part in his will this entire time.

As a sensation of ripping comes deep inside me, shrieking floods my ears. I shudder, feeling the mad grips of the Revenant rushing back. Though I fight it now, it’s not gone from me, not by a long shot.

I can’t tell my beloveds that, though. I sit up tall, inhaling a deep breath and pushing that roaring madness back.

“What are we to do, if we cannot champion our agendas amongst the Vampires, Summer Fae, and Dark Fae?” I ask Ilyov now, keeping myself back from that devouring brink of madness as I feel the loving touch of my two beloveds holding me.

Keeping me here with them, rather than diving full-tilt back into my endless self-hate.

“That is for you to figure out.” Ilyov is succinct as he stares me down. It’s as much an answer as I expected from him. As I nod, something else suddenly comes to me to ask.

Because out of all our questions, it’s the one thing Ilyov knows about—to his bones.

“Can you teach us how to wield the Music of the Spheres to break the Gold Eyes’ will upon us?” I ask now, intent, as I stare Ilyov down. “You are a master of the Music, or so I’ve heard in some very ancient, clandestine tales. Legends say you created this entire citadel with it, and all the tremendous protections that go with it, including your horde of ice giants upon the walls, and your deadly winter wights.”

“I am a master of the Music, it is true. And have created everything with it the stories say.” Ilyov stares candidly at me, direct. “The Gold Eyes’ hold over your trio’s magic will remain, however, until you discover who you are without his agenda driving you. And so will his hold over what you create with the Music.”

“Can you tell us what the Music is actually doing when we create it between us?” Ariana leans forward. I feel how her innate magic drives her now, as it seeks the truth for us .

“That I can tell you, yes.” Master Ilyov nods to her now, amenable. “When the three of you resonate strongly together in your will, your love, and your magics, you move from being able to create normal Faeanic sigils and Vampire Bloodsigns in our world, to being able to create Ascendant Sigils in the Otherworld. This is the all-encompassing celestial realm of the Ascendants themselves, from whom Vampires, Fae, and Dark Fae are descended. This is the realm beyond space and time, where they came from… and to where they returned, those that did not remain here on earth. This is their power you manifest when your trio balances and creates in its loving might. It creates, like those ancient Ascendants created; entire worlds, if one learns to master it right. You must also be humble to it, however. For like the Ascendants themselves, their Music is alive and unfathomable in its power. It has a capacity to either create all that is desired… or sunder all that was once made, into madness and death.”

“When it tunes wrong, it destroys,” I say, recalling how that incredible power went bad when the Gold Eyes tampered with it during our demonstration before the Vampire Council.

“Yes, and it destroys none so quickly as the one who orchestrated its wielding.” Ilyov nods as his eagle-gaze drills into me. “You were lucky to go Revenant. The outcome of the Music breaking into its cacophonous, destructive state as it did during your demonstration could have been vastly worse.”

“How much worse?” I ask, though I’m loathe to do it.

“Like shredding all of reality worse,” Ilyov says as he stares me down. “I am not exaggerating. The Music is the power of the Ascendants themselves. They created worlds long ago and destroyed them upon their whims. It is nothing to be trifled with, for it has the power to create worlds still… and rip them apart just as quickly.”

“Do you think that’s what the Gold Eyes wants with it?” Lucca asks as I feel him become hard like steel behind me. “To make us so strong that we would tear apart our own reality… for some unfathomable reason of his?”

“I cannot presume to know what that mad creature wants.” Ilyov snorts now, as his pale blue eyes darken. “Trust that whatever Staphylogenes wants, it cannot be good. I know that creature of old; it is mad, through and through. For once, it haunted me as it does you all now. I was not its progeny, however, and could not be manipulated by it once I discovered it was grooming me to carry out its unknown agenda. I rebelled, casting it from my life, forever.”

“How did you do that? Bar it from ever interacting with you ever again?” Ariana asks, though I’m also eager to hear this answer.

“With the Music itself, which the Gold Eyes taught me.” Ilyov’s gaze drills into all of us now, hard. “Which is something you three cannot do. You are all progeny of the Gold Eyes; its very will seethes through all of you, and you cannot hope to wield the Music against it as you are right now without that ancient power wrapping right back around and biting you all in the ass, terribly. I paid a price for breaking free of the creature’s desires; I lost my beloved wife, and evermore shall be barren of love. But I was free; you three are not. You will lose an unfathomable amount more, if you try to wield the Music right now to break free of your Maker. I guarantee it.”

“So what do we do?” Ariana frowns.

“You abandon all thought of gaining power in the world,” Ilyov says. “You get humble, deep inside, knowing you are part of a far greater tapestry that is being woven through your life, rather than by your own mortal will alone. And then you must uncover the truth—the deepest truth inside yourselves—about what you really wish for in the world. When you voice your true feelings and bare your rawest hearts, only then will you draw closer in true love and create the intimacy needed to raise the real Ascendant’s Music and their Sigils. Only then, do you have a chance at creating the Music free of the Gold Eyes’ taint. And rising up against him—wielding the Music to sunder his black and empty heart, for good.”

“But who are we if we abandon those who depend on us?” Something terrible simmers inside me at Ilyov’s words .

“Did I say to abandon them, Quindici DaPonti?” Master Ilyov lifts a scathing eyebrow at me now. “I said only to abandon your goals of power . I did not say to turn away from those you love. Or abandon them to the wolves.”

I frown now, as I mull over what Vasily Ilyov has said. Through our bond, I feel Ariana and Lucca similarly stewing; none of us can quite work out how we save our people from tyranny but also abandon positions of power and leadership at the same time.

My body betrays me then; as I give a deep shudder, spasming with a jerk between Lucca and Ariana, Ilyov’s eagle-eyes note it. With a deep inhalation, he rises, gesturing to me.

“Feed him. Your dark Master is vastly weak, and Mentale Dark Fae operate similarly to a Vampire, even if they are not a Vampire in truth. He needs food and energy, of whatever kind his body requires. Returning from the Revenant state is exhausting mentally, physically, and emotionally. I should know.”

As he says this last, I realize then why Ilyov allowed me to be brought here to his secret citadel.

And why they already had the perfect setup to contain and soothe a Vampire Revenant, until that person could be brought back from madness.

“You? You were once a Revenant?”

“Me,” he admits as he gives a sober nod, his pale blue eyes livid with hate, though it’s not for us. “My wife, Andromeda, was everything to me. The Gold Eyes killed her, because I wouldn’t be his puppet. It was his punishment when he found he could not control me. I went mad instantly, into my Revenant state. My children eventually brought me back, though I was a long time recovering, as will you be, Quinn. Don’t expect to be your former self ever again. You will not be. Learn to live with your wounds, and devouring self-hatred. Forgiveness will come in time. Though it must come from within, before it will soothe your torturous heart. ”

With that, Master Ilyov lifts a hand, summoning his wintery winds and whisking himself away so we can digest everything he’s told us. As I’m left shivering, shaking between Ariana and Lucca, my Revenant’s blackness devouring me from everything that’s been said, I feel how my temperature drops and spikes simultaneously. In my livid exhaustion after coming back from my Revenant state, I feel like I have the deepest chill and the hottest fever, all at once. It’s a terrible sensation, as I roll my shoulders and twist my neck.

And feel my heart pound—with darkness at everything we’re facing, rather than ardor for my lovers.

“You’re exhausted, Quinn.” Lucca sets his hand on my chest, feeling my rapid heartbeat. To anyone else, my quick, jolting beats would feel just like a normal heart rate. For me, they’re too fast, too frantic. I try to get control of my dark rage and inner hatred from my Revenant state and find I can’t, with everything Ilyov’s just told us.

“Come on. Lay back down with us. You should rest.” Ariana tugs at my hand, urging me back down to the bed. She and Lucca are already halfway down, but I find I can’t join them.

Sitting rigid, as I shiver and shake.

“Quinn. What’s going on?” Lucca pushes back up. Scooting close to my back, he extends his legs on either side of me now. Wrapping me in his perfectly muscled arms, he presses to my back. His body warms me, Lucca’s decadent Cuorante Dark Fae heat soothing my terrible spikes and dips in temperature.

As Ariana cuddles to my side, facing us as she sits on one hip, Lucca moves his leg and she tucks in close. Wrapping an arm around my waist, she holds me with Lucca, her balanced light and heat pouring into me like soothing waterfalls as she lifts up and we kiss.

My heart is not in that kiss, though, as something inside me still shrieks, devoured by self-hate. I shudder again, unable to be soothed by my bound lovers after everything Ilyov’s said .

An unholy void raging deep inside me—calling me back towards my Revenant state.

Lucca shifts now, raising his wrist to his mouth. I hear him bite and smell blood; everything inside me perks with a sudden, pounding need as he holds that wrist to my lips, punctured by his Fae-bite.

“Here, Quinn. Drink. It’ll help,” he says matter-of-factly, though I feel through our bond how worried he is by my inability to join them in revelry of any kind right now. Even though I’ve come back, I’m still lost in the temptation to dive back into my inner self-hatred, which drives my Revenant state.

And give up everything that has ever mattered to me.

“I’m not hungry.” Even as those bitter words leave my lips, however, I know I’m ravenous. Lucca’s blood just smells too good as he wafts his wrist before my mouth and nose now, letting me inhale his sweet perfume.

“You’re starving, Valerio. I feel it.” Lucca places his cheek against mine now, his strong body cuddled close. “Drink. Then you can be stubborn about your inner self-hate…and we can work on it, together.”

“You need to revel in something, Quinn, to regain your Light.” Ariana is gentle as her warm hand strokes my chest. “Lucca and I understand if you can’t be with us right now, after everything you’ve gone through, and everything Ilyov told us. But we will not let you stay where you are. Please, drink. When you’re finished with Lucca’s blood, you can have mine. We’re not going anywhere. And if you refuse us, we’ll just bite open another vein and let you smell it over and over, until you can’t stop yourself from drinking.”

“Don’t punish yourself any longer, not like you did in your Revenant state.” Lucca nuzzles my cheek. “You came back from that dark place for a reason, Valerio… please don’t fade away again and let that reason go. Be with us. Later, we’ll sort everything out.”

As Lucca says these last words, I finally sigh. Though I’m still tempted to dive back into my inner self-hate and stay there, punishing myself for eons because of what I did with the Music—not to mention everything else heinous I’ve done in my life—the smell of Lucca’s blood finally wins. I give out; setting my lips to his wrist, I give a small lick.

And then a deep Bloodlust grips me—and I drink, hard.

I crush Lucca’s wrist to my lips as I gulp him down, ravenously. I’m making growling, demonic sounds I haven’t made in eons, not since I was first turned Dark Fae and felt the Bloodlust come upon me in my youth. I’m biting him now; my fangs have shot out and Lucca grunts as I hurt him, deepening the wounds in his flesh.

His grunt stops me, though, knowing I’ve given him pain. With a snort of disgust and shame, I cease feeding and push him away.

Laying down on the bed and curling up in a ball, hauling the covers up over my nakedness.

“Quinn?” Ariana’s hand strokes my shoulder through the thick duvet.

“Enough. I’m not hungry,” I hear myself say, with one of the most caustic tones I think I’ve ever summoned. I feel more than see Ariana and Lucca glance at each other, at the harshness in my voice.

Lucca strokes my back now, through the duvet.

“You need to eat, Valerio. You’re ravenous,” he says, but I only feel more shame at the tenderness in his voice after I hurt him like that, like a demon.

Like a mad Revenant.

“Go away.” I set my teeth against the scent of his blood, held temptingly before my mouth and nose. I shut my eyes tight, wishing for them both to just go away and leave me to my pain. But of course, they don’t.

Because they love me—no matter how much of a devil I am.

The thought hits me like an avalanche as I war now, deep inside. My heart knows I love them; I feel its defiant beats, urging me to stop being a fool and go to them. My heart tells me to rise and drink Lucca’s blood, and feel my lovers’ forgiveness for everything I’ve done.

I know I should let their love heal me. I know I should let myself come all the way back from this self-punishing place I’ve found, causing my terrible, hot-and-chill state as everything inside me conflicts.

But I also know I can’t. Neither of them knows the fullest extent of everything I’ve done. Neither of them knows the tormentor, judge, and executioner I had to be for hundreds of years under Emiliana DiClario, with all her terrible desires.

Neither Lucca nor Ariana have ever experienced such horrors; not even for all the brutality Lucca’s endured at his father’s hands, and the pain Ariana feels at never having known her real family.

I have to keep them at bay. I cannot ever let them in to my deepest heart of hearts, where I writhe in constant hell from everything I’ve been. Because some part of me is that, always. Some part of me descended into the coldest place in hell when I thought I was a Vampire, and again when I went Revenant. Part of me is there still, as I slam a wall up around my memories like solid, ten-foot thick steel now.

Lest the truth of what I am break the ones who love me.

But something in me has already been broken by my Revenant state. Once, I could hold my inner steel wall meticulously; I cannot any longer. I feel it break. I feel it twist and rip now, like tissue paper inside my mind, as my urge to reveal everything I am to my lovers overtakes me.

I cannot put it away anymore as it all comes tumbling out. Before I can tell my mouth to shut up, I’m just spilling all the horrors of everything I did while I was under Emiliana DiClario to Ariana and Lucca.

They listen as they sit with me in bed. As some dam breaks wide open inside me, ruined by my Revenant state, I cry. I sob wretched tears into the coverlet as they both gently stroke my back.

And listen as I talk, and talk, and talk.