7. Awake

7

AWAKE

I am torn from Quinn and Lucca, and I exist nowhere. It’s the strangest feeling, yet I don’t feel abandoned; somehow, I know both are still with me, waiting for the time when this trial is over and we can be reunited. Though I’m tempted to descend into the pit that lives within me, courtesy of the Gold Eyes and its terrible connection to my magic, I don’t. I see it there nearby, waiting.

I don’t fall into it, though—floating as I am, out in space.

Technically, I’m inside my inner space. I know that, yet it feels so peaceful here, as if everything we’ve been fighting for, everything that’s made my life so crazy and complicated these past few weeks and months, has disappeared. Some part of me wishes I could just stay here, calm, forever. Another part of me knows I can’t do that yet.

Because he is here—with me.

I feel him lingering in the darkness. The Gold Eyes Staphylogenes doesn’t make an appearance yet, but I can feel him, far out there in the void. Though the void is before me, it’s also inside me; I can’t explain it, but that vast empty sensation is at the core of my magic, at the core of my being .

Because I was Made into the creature he wanted me to be, as a one-day-old baby.

“What do you want with me?” I find myself asking the void now, as it faces me in the darkness. “What am I here for?”

The void does nothing for a long moment. I think perhaps the Dark Fae Sages have removed all ability of the Gold Eyes to infiltrate me, or contact me through my mind right now.

Then it speaks, as I see two bright gold orbs appear before me.

I have wanted one of your kind for eons, Ariana Altvie. Staphylogenes stares at me with those bright golden eyes. Though those orbs scald me from the darkness, they are haunted. As is its voice, as it sings to me through my endless Night.

Because it does sing. Somehow Staphylogenes’ voice is timbre and music, the very vibration and flow of the universe as it speaks to me now, unhindered. Though the Dark Fae Sages are great, even they cannot keep the Gold Eyes from contacting one it has Made, especially when that person was so young and malleable at the time.

I was its perfect choice, a one-day-old lump of flesh and magic it could court to its will, to change its destiny, somehow. Because only I have the House of Shadow Truth in my veins; only I have the power of truth-telling and truth-finding deep inside me. For some reason, that power is valuable to the Gold Eyes as it stares at me now.

Valuable when balanced with Quinn and Lucca in a trio beside me.

“What do you want us for?” I know the creature has to have me bound in a trio to do whatever it wants of me and of us. “What is it you ultimately wish to use us for?”

If I told you that, it would ruin the game, the creature says now as it swirls into its man-shape inside the darkness. Though the blackness around me is infinite, lost as I am inside my mind right now, Staphylogenes’ form is darker. As if whatever it is could swallow all light, it’s an impenetrable, inky darkness that swirls before me now.

Just as its void swirls behind it—calling me to jump in forever .

“I’m not going in there.” I say now as I glance at it.

I didn’t ask you to go in there. It speaks cheekily as it gestures to the void behind it. I ask you merely to stand beside it and gaze into its infinite nature. And see what can be found there.

“What can be found there?” I watch it for deception, which I know is at the core of its being.

You have to look in. And tell me. It says now, as its golden orbs stare at me.

I frown. Something inside me is going off like alarm bells ringing; though all my magical power has been stripped away, this deepest knowing somehow still exists within me—and it flares like a four-alarm fire now, as Staphylogenes invites me to look into the darkness.

Because somehow, I know that it can’t. That’s the one thing it can’t do, though I thought it had manifested that terrible, swirling void inside me.

As I approach that inky void, the Gold Eyes seems eager. It wants me to look, thinking I’ll find some kind of power there that might be of use to it. I know better, though, with my alarms ringing all inside me now.

The gold-eyed creature can’t look into my innermost darkness. It can’t touch my own inner void, because it doesn’t have control over whatever I’ll find there. It can only enhance my perception of that void, swirling and dark inside me. Forbidding, so I would be afraid of it.

And never truly look—lest I find something of power there.

The creature does not expect me to approach that void. As I do, it startles, beginning to rush towards me with its blackest Night. But I’m already there; I’m already tipping into it, being swallowed by my personal void, deep inside. As I fall to the bottom of the pit, I feel the one thing I never want to admit devour me.

That I possess hate, deep inside.

Towards the creature that Made me.

“My entire life has been a lie.”

I hit the bottom of that void now, as I am swallowed by my pit. Rage like I’ve never known consumes me; much more than when I found out what I was. It’s far more than when I discovered my parents had been lying to me all my life. And it’s endlessly more than when I found out I had been Made by the Gold Eyes and was acting as its puppet.

Ever since I was born.

That’s not entirely true; I wasn’t precisely its puppet. Primarily because my parents hid my magic when they understood what had occurred when the creature Made me. They knew that I had struck at it, and thrust it back, as a tiny, one-day-old infant. Somehow, something indomitable and furious deep inside me had been enough to thwart it.

The deep, unfathomable power of my rage.

“I hate you.” I look far up at the creature, gazing down into my void where it cannot join me. Because this is my pit, my own anger that devours me. And it is here I will find true power, I know now, as I stare up at the creature still gazing far down at me with its intense golden eyes.

What will you do with that hate, Ariana? It asks me now from so far away. Its voice is like an echo inside my mind now, since my pit is so deep. I ask myself the same question; some deep part of me is joined with the Gold Eyes, since it Made me so young with its power.

And will be until I vanquish it.

I take a long moment to digest that question. As I sit with myself, deep inside, I feel my hate churn. Blacker than black, it resonates with the creature still staring down at me, far above. I know now that it has its own inner hate.

Hate that spawned inside it, the moment it ripped out its heart to change history.

“You couldn’t love her, just the way she was—your daughter.” I know somehow that Staphylogenes’ story with the Wanderer is important now, just not how it connects.

This isn’t about me. It’s about you. The creature objects as it gazes at me from far above. I’ve heard its Music shift in its endless tones. Where once it was gloating and mild, it has become sharp. Bitterness seethes from it in waves now. I feel them all the way inside my pit, though that same bitterness is inside me.

Because I hate it, the Father who Made me—just as much as it hated its own infant daughter.

“It’s about both of us,” I say as I feel where I resonate with the creature now—and why I hate it so very much. “When your daughter was born, you thought her malformed, unnatural, because she did not look like her mother and yourself. You thought when you were procreating in the flesh that you could Make the perfect earthly creature, one who was an ideal blend of her mother’s bright rainbows and your own sun-bright glory. Instead, what you got was a moonbeam, who didn’t wish to stay by you to build your earthly empire, but wander from place to place, reveling in the earth and all its glories. You couldn’t have that, so you tried to manipulate her, change her. You tried to Make her the way you wished her to be with the power of the Music… until all that failed, too. You drove away not just her, but her beautiful mother from you, forever. Leaving you alone… until you could Make another daughter, perfect like you had always wished.”

Silence smites me from above. It’s so long, I think the creature has departed, taking its sorrows and wrath elsewhere and leaving me for good. But no, I feel its gold-eyed taint still lingering far above. It watches me; I can see those golden eyes flickering in the darkness as I gaze far, far up.

It says nothing, however. Still, it says nothing as I watch it.

I know I’m onto something, as for the first time, the Gold Eyes has nothing to say.

“Speak to me,” I say, confronting it as my deepest truth-bells ring all through me.

I’m thinking. It says, stalling for the very first time since I first encountered it.

“You don’t have an answer for me, because you know I’m right,” I say, glowing in my own powerful space at last, as I know I’ve discovered something about the creature .

Perhaps I do wish for a daughter. The thing sighs now as it hovers so far above me at the edge of the pit. But that is immaterial, now. What I wish from you, what I have created you for, is something that goes far beyond my desire for a loving and doting daughter to worship me. What I need from you is something no other can give me. You will be ready soon. All you need do is relinquish your beautiful heart to help me.

“My heart?” I blink now, not understanding what the creature is asking. Alarm bells ring all inside me, the not-nice kind, and I know the creature is hinting at what it needs me for.

And why it’s gone to such lengths to get it.

“My heart stays inside me,” I say now, making it understand that’s the one thing I will never give up. “I will not give that to you, not physically or otherwise, not like Arturos did. You’ll have to take my heart if you need it from me.”

I wonder now if it needs my heart because it doesn’t have one of its own any longer. If that were the case, a thousand hearts would do, a million—or should have done, over the years. What would it need my heart for?

Unless it connects to something about the House of Shadow Truth.

“Why my heart? Why not another’s?” I ask it now, curious but also needing to know. “What’s so special about my heart that I’m the one you need to take it from?”

I cannot take it. It must be freely given. The creature responds, confusing me more. And it must be you, because of all those I Made over the years, none has had the power to fight me the way you did, right from your very first day. Something about you is special, Ariana… and it is that uniqueness which will release me. I know it.

“Release you? Release you from what?”

Patience . It says as it gloats once more. I shall come to you when the time is right.

With that, the creature departs. I feel it go in a whirl of wind and darkness, as if it has finally tired of playing my little game. It leaves me with nothing now, stewing inside the black pit of my rage. More than ever, I hate the creature now.

As I feel the wrath that consumed me even as an infant, taking me deeper into the black.

Rise up, Ariana. I hear my mother’s voice now, through the pit.

Rise and take back what is yours. My father’s voice also sounds.

Stirring me.

“How do I rise up? What must I take back?” I ask; but even as I ask it, I know what must happen. Because what I have to do now is rise up and take back my Light, shining far above at the top of the pit like the most distant star. But that star is so very far away; it seems almost impossible to reach it.

Though I know that’s what I must do, to free myself of the Gold Eyes, at last.

I strive upwards towards it. I heave up with all my inner strength, seeking that ineffable Light. The more I try to reach it, however, the more I’m dragged back down into my pit. Like weights around my ankles, my hatred chains me, deep inside my own inner darkness. Because I hate the creature that Made me. I hate it, to the depths of my being and back.

And will, to the very end of my days.

I suddenly realize I will not make it. Somehow, with a sixth sense that wasn’t quite removed from me, I know dawn is rising, and I’m losing my chance.

Once the sun comes up, that’s it; whatever magic the Dark Fae Sages worked upon me will bind me in here, forever. I’ll lose my only chance of freeing myself from the Gold Eyes and vanquishing it, and I’ll have only vanquished myself.

Lost in this void-like inner darkness—forever.

I rage, I churn, I fret now, but none of it does any good. Still, the chains of my hatred hold me; there’s no escaping them and no way to liberate myself back to my Light.

I’m trapped down here, snarling and clawing, roaring like a beast now as I become a mad thing. This is worse than going Revenant, I know as I bite and rip at my bonds now like an animal. Because I’ll be trapped inside my mind with it forever.

The Gold Eyes eternally berating me for never doing what I was supposed to for it.

Some part of me feels like giving up, then. Some part of me thinks this might be better, to just stay this way and never even give it the chance to use me for whatever its terrible, grand plans are.

But another deep part inside me screams, Fight! It roars with Lucca and Quinn’s voices now, as that ephemeral sixth sense feels them trying to shake me awake.

Dawn is coming; I’m losing my chance. The sun has nearly broken over the horizon; I can see the light brightening the sky.

As if that sixth sense somehow powers me as I see true light return to the world, I know what needs to be done. Deeply, I center myself. Slowly, I inhale the profoundest breath.

And then I say, inside every fiber of my being, I do forgive you, I do. Let this hate be drained from me, because it is not who I am. I am love, and I am loving, and I love the two men I have brought into my life—because of me. That was my doing, Staphylogenes… no matter how much you might wish to claim it. Or me.

As that thought reaches its pinnacle inside me, I feel the chains break. As forgiveness and love flood me, for everyone and everything here upon this green earth and every other, I feel myself catapulted up from my own inner darkness.

I hit the surface, just as my world floods with light; the moment I do, the sun crests over the top of the waves in Venice. I gasp awake, cradled between Lucca’s and Quinn’s bodies, as I shiver and shake. I sear with the strongest Light now, emanating not just from my heart, but from my very soul.

As I come wide awake—blazing with true Ascendant’s Music, at last.