6. Darkness

6

DARKNESS

M y bonds to Ariana and Lucca are ripped away, along with my magic and outer senses, and I’m left in darkness. It’s just like what happened in my Revenant state, except a thousand times worse, as I roil and rage in my innermost hatred now, seething like a mad thing. Deep inside, I course with a darkness so black, it has no name. Because this is far deeper than my Night magic; and I’ve already fallen into it.

Devoured by a void that is blacker than black.

Quindici DaPonti, what have you done? A voice goads me from the darkness, and I know its jocular, terrible tones. Though Florian Delano is dead, he teases me inside my innermost darkness now, the lonely hell I’ve descended into.

I’m already deep in my pit of despair, fallen to the bottom. As I’m the darkest of our trio, I’m the one with the least Light to guide me, and can see nothing but my innermost void devouring me now. As Florian speaks through my tortured mind, he has tones of the Gold Eyes in his awful, goading voice.

Chastising me for living so far from my Light .

“I will survive this! I have to…!” I know holding on to my indomitable will is the only thing that can save me now. Like I was in my Revenant state, my heart has been cut from me; even my soul feels devoured, as I am pulled into the depths of this dark vortex where there is absolutely no light.

Hell is no stranger to me, however; I’ve been through it, again and again thanks to my old Master, Emiliana DiClario. And I’ve survived it, again and again, when I was in my Revenant state.

That hell and I are old friends is one of the few things that keeps me tethered to sanity now as I’m caught in an endless loop of vicious memories. They’re too horrid, too awful to focus on as they go flashing across my vision; and there are too many of them.

As the faces of everyone I’ve ever hated go flipping by inside my pit like the most diabolical deck of cards, I seethe with a bitter, vengeful anger from all the things they did to me.

It wasn’t just me, but also to others, that they performed their atrocities at Emiliana’s behest. Countless faces of cruel Masters that Emiliana wanted to do deals with come to me now, torturing me anew. I hate them all; I cannot choose whom I hate the most. I know my hatred is driving this dark void inside me, into which I’ve fallen.

The dark void of my wrath—that keeps me tied to Staphylogenes.

Out of all our trio, I have the most darkness in my magic and the most influence from him. I have the most fury, the most hatred, and the purest retribution, plotted and planned for everyone who’s wronged me.

Many of them have already met their true death; that is my only consolation now as images go flickering by me in my deck of cards, vivid in my endless Night.

Ariana and Lucca would forgive me for my hate; it’s my only comfort as that coldest darkness devours me. As I have that thought, I see their beloved faces shining before me now. So pure, so lovely, the both of them are diamond-bright stars compared to my dire ferociousness.

I feel a moment of agony, then; I twist as I have the thought, I don’t deserve them for being what I am. For even though the both of them are Dark Fae, they are so bright and light-hearted compared to me. If they ever knew how I feel, how I twist deep inside myself…

But we do . That small brightness inside me sings with Ariana’s and Lucca’s voices, calling to me. We love you, Quinn, and we accept you—all of you. It is your own inner hatred that keeps you tethered to the Gold Eyes. So… whom do you hate most, which keeps you in this state?

I feel their beloved voices inundate me as a beautiful echo of the Music sweeps me. It is only a memory in this place, though; I have descended into utter darkness, and as I look up now, I see the bright light of my beloved’s voices so very far above me.

I have already been swallowed by my pit; I’ve been living in its eternal hellfire my entire life. It is time to crawl up now, if I am ever going to reach that light. Every part of me that’s still holding on to sanity knows I must, if I want to break free of Staphylogenes.

To do that, however, I must purge myself of my hate.

A process difficult to do with how much of it lives inside me.

Whom do you hate most, Quinn? Find that, and you will be cleared. Lucca’s and Ariana’s voices whisper inside my mind now, as the faces of all those I rage and wrath at go by me.

I linger upon each one now—realizing that I’m seeing the faces of Vampire friends and allies. They are the faces of all those who came to countless Meeting of the Havens events, yet did not aid me in my hour of need against Florian.

Rage burns inside me at them; hatred, too, slow-simmering and dense. It’s one thing to espouse ideals of Vampire progress, however, and quite another to stand up to the Vampire Council of Rome.

I suddenly forgive all those once-allies who didn’t come to my aid, knowing the risk was too great for them. I suddenly find myself hoping they might discover their courage and support me one day. My darkness brightens as my hate leaves me, and I find I’ve risen slightly.

Up from my pit.

The cards flip, flip; flipping again to find why I’m stuck in this pit. Several faces I despise flick by me now—the current Summer Fae King Archivolio Bellari, the Summer Fae’s Darkwatch Commander Junius Alterri, and my own father, the Summer Fae’s once-King Aurelio Incendari.

But none of them hold a candle to the brutality of those such as Emiliana and Florian, whom I was anchored to far longer, their outcomes in my life far worse. Masters upon the Vampire Council are similarly forgiven; I don’t really know most of them, and have no clue who is at the center of it all, punishing me.

I find as I peruse their faces that I can’t hate them without knowing who it is that torments me; it’s not my style to punish innocents, even though I had to under Emiliana. No Masters on the Council are innocent—not by a long shot. But I cannot hate them all without knowing who is after me.

And so I find myself forgiving them now, letting their faces flutter by.

The Council’s faces fly from me with no further thought as I rise higher in my endless darkness. I feel a lightness inside me now, having discarded those I was tempted to hate, but do not. Something inside me has been liberated and is now buoyant, lifting me up towards the far away light of my beloveds.

Then two distinct faces rise inside my mind.

As the living voices of the Romero twins assault me now.

Hate us, Quinn, for how we betrayed you. And still do. Eduardo and Calla Romero’s laughing glee grinds upon my ears as I see them grinning before me now. My time dancing a jig and singing for their amusement at Florian’s hand crashes back, as I’m thrust down into my pit yet again.

It’s easier now, however, to get back to the higher place I’ve found; that buoyant feeling is still inside me, though I am far more tempted to hate these two than any who have gone before.

Somehow, I manage to forgive the Romeros now, though whether they did what they did out of fear of the Council’s retribution, or to advance their station, I do not know. They may have spied on me and were offered a carrot of a place upon the Council if they did what was asked. To turn down an ask like that from the Vampire Council of Rome is death.

And even the Romeros are not complete idiots.

The Romeros dissolve from my mind now as forgiveness surges through me for them. It’s easier now that I’ve been through this process multiple times; I may still kill the Romeros if I see them again, but at least I’ll do it with peace in my heart, rather than wrath.

With that thought, I’m rocketed up towards the light. I can hear Ariana’s and Lucca’s sweet voices now, calling to me. But then, the card-flickering stops as my upward progress slows. I find myself face-to-face with Florian Delano, as he sneers at me with his golden-glorious, odious face.

Hate me, Quinn. Florian taunts as he lifts an eyebrow. Hate me and be one with the Gold Eyes. I was your nemesis, the one who plagued you at Emiliana’s behest… and evermore shall be.

For a moment, I’m tempted to remain deep in my hatred at his beautiful, haughty face. A thought strikes me then, however, and I blink in my nowhere-consciousness.

“No, Florian. You’re dead. You cannot hurt me or anyone I love; not anymore. Never again.”

Absolution rushes through me, and it is freedom. It dissolves the hatred I had towards Florian; I feel it as that releasing of energy catapults me up hard now, out of the utter depths of the pit and into a far milder space inside my void.

Though it’s still terrible here, some part of me can breathe again, and think again. I’m almost myself. I don’t know if it’s my soul, or my heart, or my mind dragging me back up through various levels of consciousness when I was tempted to stay deep down in the place where I most resonated with the Gold Eyes.

Whatever it is, it feels far lighter here, freeing, as I see that luminous star of my beloveds shining more brightly above me now .

Beautiful.

But then Emiliana DiClario’s dark gaze crashes through my vision. I’m thrust back into my pit, to the very bottom, as she appears before me. I seethe with wrath, and roar with rage now to see her again; I swirl with blackest Night at everything she did to me and others, and that she had me do at her behest.

Even that most terrible Night is not enough to stop the new lightness I’ve found, however. Because, like Florian, Emiliana is also dead and cannot hurt me or anyone else ever again.

I feel the words I forgive you surge from me as I realize she cannot touch me anymore. I feel that absolution from darkness catapult me up yet again, higher and higher, far more than ever before, as something deep inside me is cleansed.

I’m almost there; I can see the top. That shining star of Light that sings with Ariana’s and Lucca’s voices is so close now, I can practically touch it as all my deepest hatred evaporates.

I reach out, trying to touch that incredible brightness, when the shuffling deck goes black. As two great big, golden eyes rise up from the that blackness, I find myself faced with the one who masters me.

Hatred blazes through me, dark as midnight and searing like the brightest sun for this creature who controls me, controls every part of me that resonates with my Night magic.

And I hate being controlled.

I surge at the Gold Eyes; I wrath and rage at Staphylogenes, as I’m thrust right back into the worst depths of my pit. I hit rock bottom; I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive the Gold Eyes for holding my life and will in its diabolical clutches. Madness consumes me as everything I am roars at the creature.

Insane.

I’m going Revenant; I can feel it blistering like the coldest death all through me as I descend into my blackest hate. But then a thought strikes me, I am only tethered to it because of something inside me which hates as much as it does —and the thought stops me dead.

As emptiness takes my mind, I’m suddenly blank. I’m so, so blank as I come up against nothing and no one left that I hate. I’ve gone through them all; empty cards shuffle by me now, black and devoid of anything in their haunting frames. I’m stymied, stumped, not knowing what’s going on.

But then those cards shuffle again, their ancient surfaces glossy now like a thousand mirrors.

Reflecting my own face back at me—the center of my hate.

I know at once that this is what traps me to the Gold Eyes, Staphylogenes. I know that my inner self-hatred is the only reason I remain tethered to that terrible creature, as I see a thousand awful scenarios in my mind of all the things I’ve done to survive in this world.

As that hate takes me, I’m devoured, as I’m thrust into the coldest, furthest bottom of my pit. I’m in the center of it; I’m at its epicenter. And it’s a cold, dark hell as I stand alone.

Alone, with the only person I truly hate.

I’m myself, yet I’m not, as I come to that place. I’m Quinn, but I’m a devil in the night, as a massive mirror descends before me now from my mirrored cards, grotesquely ornate.

I see myself in that visage, cold and pale, deathly white. I see my inner fire and my outer chill, and all the ways I’ve used that to seduce, destroy, and annihilate others over the centuries.

Bitter hatred seethes through me now; a taste of ashes is in my mouth, and I know they’re mine. I could burn myself up, summon my Fae-fire to eliminate myself from the inside out, charring myself to ash if I wished it.

As the mirrors replicate a thousandfold around me now, I witness myself doing countless atrocities for Emiliana, or standing by while she committed atrocities on others. I feel like a punisher of the deepest hell Realms as I stand there, freezing and burning to my darkest Night as I watch myself do awful things, over and over .

I told most of those things to Lucca and Ariana, unburdening myself to them after I returned from my Revenant state. But the horrors still linger, despite how I’ve bared them to my beloveds now, trusting them to hold me even though they know what I am.

I still have yet to forgive myself, however—and that’s what keeps me trapped down here. I see faces I’ve killed now in the mirrors, and faces whose deaths I’ve helped orchestrate. Many have died by my hands; I’m not a saint, I’m a sinner, and it’s something about myself I’ve hated for so long.

But it’s how I had to be to survive in Vampire society. Vampires are not nice creatures; anyone who says they’ve met a truly kind Vampire is lying. Because deep down inside, the tremendous beast of our Night magic reigns. It always will, and it wants to kill.

Without ever looking back.

Death is the counterpart to life; without it, life cannot truly thrive. I know that, yet I punish myself for what I am, for what I have been, and for the self-hatred that still seethes so deep in my heart.

The pit I’m in is vast, devouring, and black. And as Staphylogenes himself comes to me now, laughing at me from the darkness, his bright gold orbs reflect in every surface around me now like a mirrored horror house.

It is then that I succumb. I am death, I am dead; Ariana and Lucca should leave me when they depart from the Dark Fae Sages, because I’m never getting out of this place. How can I ever forgive myself for all these things I’ve done, all these atrocities I’ve committed?

When all I espouse in life is beauty, equality, and grace.

I’m lost, as everything darkens inside me. I feel it as my heart flickers, going out, my soul along with it, dying to the black. The last holdout is my mind; desperately, I think there has to be some way out of this, some way I can rebound from this and catapult myself up to reach that nearly-gone light far above.

Only one thing comes to me; the taste of cherry on my tongue .

Cherry? I think, confused, as it at first makes no sense.

Then it comes to me; cherry was the first flavor of aphrodisiacal chocolate cordial I developed once the Dark Haven of Florence became mine. Cherry was the first flavor I tried in those most lovely chocolates; I remember reveling in them all night, one after another, after another, as I listened to Beethoven and sat on my bathroom floor.

I cried. I cried so hard that night, long into the next day. I secluded myself and would not come out, no matter how much Curio banged on the door or pleaded with me to let him in, because I did not yet have Devi in the Dark Haven I was painstakingly beginning to restore.

I cried, reveling in the beautiful notes of the symphony and the beautiful flavor of the cordials, as I let my sadness devolve me. And when I came out, I was Quindici DaPonti.

Master of the Dark Haven of Florence—a man who would never hurt the innocent, ever again.

I come back to myself now, as the mirrors all around me shatter. I cannot hate the man I have become; though the darkness still lives inside me, I changed all that over a century ago, to be the person I wanted to be and am today.

That thought catapults me up from the darkness. As I have the sudden thought, I love you now, Quindici DaPonti. I love who you’ve become, Valerio Incendari . My deepest darkness shatters, thrusting me upward towards the light.

I hear Lucca’s and Ariana’s, and Curio’s and Devi’s voices in my mind now: we love you, Quinn, you’re a good man, though you never thought you’d see it . It thrusts me up higher as I realize with a sudden joy all the love I have in my life that I’ve built by being a good person through the past many decades since I was freed from Emiliana’s might.

I freed others, and I freed myself; that thought hits me now like a slingshot, blasting me upwards as I know I was the master of her undoing. I was the one who killed her to liberate countless others from her endless torture and suffering, even though it wrecked me to do it.

Because I had no clue how to lead a Dark Haven at the moment of her death. I only had the thought, I can do better .

And I’ve been doing better, ever since.

I absolve myself now of my inner self-hatred—and that’s the last thing I need to catapult me up. As the Music explodes from me suddenly, singing with trumpeting, clarion harmonies, I’m thrown out of the pit and hammered into a beautiful, endless night sky.

I reach that most ineffable Light. I thrust myself into it as I blaze like a sun going supernova, the Music celebrating all around and through me. I am a star; not just a dark star now, but a real one, searing with righteousness and love in the Light.

Light consumes me, and I rise with a gasp as all my senses, and my magic, and my connections to Lucca, Ariana, and my entire United Haven come roaring back.

A fire of pure, blazing white, red, and gold light sears from me, inundating the rotunda of the Dark Fae Sages as they all inhale a deep breath and nod. Lucca is awake; he seizes me now, holding me close to his pounding heart, as mine matches his. Because I’m living now, awake to my innermost Light in a way I never was before.

As I feel that dark inner void give up—and depart.

“The Gold Eyes! He’s gone,” I heave now as I cough, rubbing my chest, amazed by the sensation of freedom and lightness I feel.

“I know, Quinn! I know…” Lucca says. He is laughing that I’ve come back as he sets his forehead against mine. We kiss, hard and heavy, for a long moment until we part. Because the third of our trio is not back yet.

And some ancient sense from my Vampire days tells me the sun is nearly up.

“How long does she have?” I glance at Gideon now.

“Thirty-six minutes until sunrise,” Gideon says quietly. “If she has not found inner release by then… she will never rise again. I’m sorry.”

As his gaze flicks to Ariana, still laying inert upon the chaise bed, her head in Lucca’s lap, I can only guess what terrors she’s facing, deep within. Of all of us, I had thought she would wake first; fear devours me now, knowing she’s the last.

“What do we do?” Lucca asks me, as we share a worried glance.

“Wait with her,” I say, as I stroke her beloved curls, then place my hand on her beating heart. “Wait with her, and pray with every fiber of our being she can beat whatever it is she is going through. And make it back to us, at last.”

As Lucca nods, we both look back at Ariana. I feel us send every ounce of our love to her now through our bonds.

Though she cannot feel it, not one bit.