Chapter Eighteen

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

F or a night that had been heavy with mist towards the early morning hours, as the sun began to lighten the eastern sky, the mist seemed to dissipate with astonishing speed.

Julian was nearing Felkington as the sun began to rise and the gray morning began to take on color. It was cold and damp from the mist and his nose was pinched red from the chill and his breath hung in the air in puffs of fog. He wasn't wearing his great helm because it was like a block of ice when it got cold. Instead, he had a padded hauberk on his head and shoulders because it was warmer. It sat on top of his de Velt tunic and had kept him cozy on the ride south. As the sun peeked over the horizon, signaling the dawn of a new day, the imposing walls of Felkington Castle came into view.

Truthfully, Julian didn't even know what he was going to say to Lista when he saw her. All he could think of was a groveling apology. The word "sorry" would be the first word out of his mouth and whatever came after that… well, her reaction would dictate much of it. He braced himself for words of anger and even hatred and he was fully prepared for her to tell him to leave and never return. If that happened, he had already decided that he would return to Pelinom and send Addington and his mother back to Felkington in his stead. He wasn't beyond asking his mother and sister for help in this instance because he was so unused to dealing with women, and especially a woman he was fond of, that he was the first to admit he needed help.

Fond.

Aye, he was fond of her but it was more than that. Addington said that Lista had been falling in love with him and Julian knew that he felt very much the same way. He knew because he'd never felt this way in his life and the thought of a future without Lista made him feel hollow inside.

A dark future he didn't want to face.

She was strong and beautiful and resilient. She had demons of her own, something he understood about her. An aunt and mother who behaved like animals and Lista was in the middle of it, trying to keep body and soul together, ensuring the survival of Felkington. She was ashamed by her situation and that was something Julian understood very well.

Shame.

Perhaps her shame wasn't the same as his, but they were kindred spirits in that shame was part of their lives. Shame and the fear of humiliation had driven him away from Felkington when he had rushed to judge a situation that he should have investigated before making up his mind. That kind of thing was a habit with him– a bad habit– that may have cost him dearly, but he was hoping Lista was more mature than he was and, in that sense, more forgiving.

He could only hope.

Around him, birds were coming alive, actively searching for their morning meal, as Felkington loomed closer. He took a moment to admire the structure in the early morning light, this massive fortress in the lap of a bucolic area of Northumberland that would be his someday, God willing. As he drew closer, he was already thinking about how he would improve it, making it more secure without losing the charm it had. Those lovely gardens and the unique vineyard were something he would gleefully show his family. Something he could be proud of.

A wife he could be proud of.

Was it really possible he was going to finally know some joy in life?

Julian could see sentries on the roof of the castle as he drew closer and he was certain they had seen him by now. He was on a narrow road from the northeast, with heavy foliage to his right, a downward sloping meadow to his left, and the sky-reaching bastion of Felkington directly in front of him. From this road, he could see the entry and even at a distance, he could tell that the double-portcullises were down.

But that didn't hold for long.

As Julian came near enough to be in shouting distance, he could see the portcullises lifting, one after the other, and a horse and rider passing through the entry. It didn't take him long to recognize Louis as the man came through, heading in his direction because he was coming from the northern road. Last he'd heard, Louis had business in Kelso, so he had to use the same road to make his way north. It wasn't as if Julian could, or would, hide from the man or head in another direction simply to avoid him. Nay, he wouldn't do that even if he could. For a man who had grown up avoiding confrontation, he was going to stand his ground on this one.

He owed Louis an apology, too.

The horses came closer.

Julian pulled his to a halt.

"Louis," he said. "I've come to…"

Louis didn't give him a chance to finish his sentence. Suddenly, a big, gloved fist came flying out at Julian's face and without his helm, he was vulnerable. Louis hit him squarely in the nose, sending his head snapping backwards. Unable to keep his balance, Julian went over onto the road and landed in a heap.

Seeing stars dance before his eyes as blood poured from his nose, Julian was up in a flash, or at least as quickly as he could. By the time he landed on his feet, Louis had dismounted and was coming for him with another balled fist. He was moving faster than Julian was, mostly because Julian was rather dazed, and clobbered Julian in the jaw this time. Julian staggered backwards but he didn't go down.

Shaking the bells from his ears, he went on the offensive.

Louis might have been more agile purely because he hadn't just been hit in the face, but Julian was far more powerful. Louis got in another blow before Julian let loose on him, pounding him twice in the head so that Louis ended up on his back. Bleeding all over him, Julian reached down and yanked him to his feet only for Louis to ram a knee into Julian's gut.

After that, the fight continued in earnest.

It was a nasty brawl, with both of them throwing, and landing, heavy blows. Louis wasn't as strong, and not quite as skilled simply because he hadn't the battle experience that Julian had, so it was only a matter of time before Julian gained the upper hand.

That's when the fight became truly nasty.

The soldiers from Felkington came out of the castle to watch. A group of them made their way down the road, watching Julian pummel Louis. He tossed him onto the wooden roof of a small stone shed, only for the roof to collapse. In a spectacular crash, Louis ended up in a heap of wood and rubble, but that didn't deter Julian. He dragged the half-conscious Louis out by his feet, dragging him out onto the road again and then grabbing him by the neck and pulling him to his knees. The fight had caused quite a stir, enough so that the entire castle was aware of it. More men, and even servants, were pouring from the entry to watch.

A knight fight was truly a brutal sight to behold.

Julian ripped off Louis' helm, grabbed him by the hair, and was about to land a blow to his face that would surely knock him unconscious when they heard shouting from the direction of the castle. Bloodied and battered, Julian ground to a halt, fist cocked, only to see Lista rushing out of the entry, skirts hiked up to her knees as she ran towards them. It was more like limping very quickly, but she was doing her best to move swiftly.

"Julian, stop!" she cried. "Stop fighting!"

Exhausted, with blood still seeping from his nose and a cut over his right eye, Julian immediately let go of Louis and stepped away from the man as he collapsed to the ground. By this time, Lista was upon them, looking at the pair in astonishment and horror.

"What are you doing?" she nearly shrieked at him. "Why did you do this?"

Julian wiped the blood from his eye because it was stinging. "I did not start this, I assure you," he said, winded. "Louis threw the first blow. I am allowed to defend myself."

Lista looked at him in shock before returning her focus to Louis, who was struggling to sit up. "He struck you first?" she said. "But why? Louis, why did you strike Julian?"

Louis wasn't really capable of answering at the moment. Julian put his hand to his jaw, thinking he had some loose teeth, before sighing sharply.

"In response to the insults I dealt him, I am sure," he said. "In fact, I was returning to Felkington to apologize for my behavior. I acted poorly and had come to seek forgiveness, but I can see that de Rhos is not in a forgiving mood. Not that I blame him, but I had hoped he was a man of mercy. I had hoped you are a woman of mercy, too, but if you have a notion to put your fist in my nose like de Rhos did, then know that I will not let you. I am certain your words of anger will do more damage than any blow ever could."

Lista's gaze was drawn to Julian, who was fairly battered. His right eye was starting to swell and there was blood all over his chin and neck, down onto his tunic. A panicked servant had found her in her chamber as she'd finished dressing, only to tell her about the vicious fight that was going on just outside the entry. The servant hadn't told her who was involved, so seeing Julian and Louis trading brutal blows had been a shock.

But a strange thing happened after that.

Seeing Julian for the first time since his departure had her bloody well thrilled to see the man. Yesterday, she wasn't sure she'd ever see him again, so his surprise appearance wasn't unwelcome in the least.

At least, to her.

But Louis' reaction in seeing Julian was entirely another matter.

"Nay," she said after a moment. "I have no desire to put a fist in your nose, nor do I have any intention of spouting off angry words. I know why you left, Julian. Addington told me. I suppose that I should be furious that you thought I was capable of such deceit and, to be truthful, I was quite irate when I first learned of it. But I am not irate any longer. I've had time to think about it and I'm sorry that others have hurt you so badly that you thought the worst when you saw Louis helping me stand. It was a polite action and nothing more, I swear it."

Julian let out a grunt of disbelief. "You are apologizing to me ?" he said, incredulous. "Lista, you have nothing to apologize for. God's Bones, woman, why would you even do such a thing? I am the one in the wrong here which is why I suspect de Rhos went after me. I was so very wrong and I behaved horribly. I would beg for your forgiveness but I do not blame you if you do not wish to give it. I am not entirely sure I deserve it."

Lista smiled timidly. "I forgave you long ago," she said. "You needn't worry about me."

Julian could hardly believe it. He thought he was going to spend the day on his knees, at the very least, begging for her understanding and the fact that she forgave him so easily had his head spinning.

He shook his head in wonder.

"Is there really such forgiveness in this world?" he murmured. "Is there really a woman of such grace, of such understanding, that she would absolve me of my horrible deeds so easily? Truly, Lista, I do not deserve it but God bless you for being so merciful."

Tears were starting to pool in Lista's eyes as she looked at him. Battered, emotionally scarred Julian could hardly believe there was forgiveness for him. It only underscored the trials and tribulations the man must have had to go through in his life, of the unjust people he surely must have known.

Poor, sweet Julian.

But he'd found his forgiveness now, as easily as if the transgression had never happened. It was at that moment that the healing between them began, something that patched any cracks in their budding relationship. If there was mercy, there was hope, and they both had an abundance of hope. Just as Lista took a step towards Julian, and he towards her, Louis suddenly lurched to his feet.

"That is not why I struck you," he said, slurring through his swollen mouth. "I struck you because you do not deserve this good woman, yet you have returned and she will fall into your arms regardless of what you have done. I struck you because she seems to think you are more worthy than I am. I struck you because you judged my act of compassion without even knowing the facts. I thought we were becoming friends, de Velt, but you severed that infant friendship without any reason whatsoever. I struck you because you deserved it."

Julian was out of arm's length, but Louis was so badly beaten that he probably couldn't have taken much more of anything. Julian was quite certain he could topple the man with little effort.

But nothing he said was untrue.

"I know," he said simply. "I judged you badly, Louis, and I am deeply sorry for it. Mayhap you are not in a forgiving mood now, but mayhap you will be someday. I hope you will reflect upon the short time we spent together and the pleasant conversations we had and realize I had simply made an error in judgment, one that you did not deserve. It was my own insecurity that caused me to behave that way and although it is a weak excuse, it is the truth. You are a decent man and there aren't many of those in this world. I recognize that."

Louis wiped at his mouth, clumsily. "Up until this moment, I did not think you were a man of good character after what happened," he said. "But it seems to me that only a man of good character would recognize his failings."

"I hope so."

"Did you return to apologize and claim Lista?"

Julian looked at Lista. Her gaze was moving nervously between him and Louis. "Only if she'll have me," Julian said, the warmth in his eyes reflecting the emotion he was feeling for her. "But after this, I would not blame her if she would not."

Louis snorted, an ironic sound. "I suspect that is something you need not worry over," he said. "I asked permission to court her, you know. After you left, I went to her mother and asked. I was given permission, though by whom is debatable. Nonetheless, by rights, she is mine to court."

The warmth faded from Julian's eyes as he looked at him. "Then it is little wonder that my return was an unwelcome sight."

"Unwelcome, indeed. But in hindsight, not entirely unexpected."

That bit of news put a new light on the situation and the warmth and hope in Julian's eyes went out completely. He felt sick in the pit of his stomach to realize that Louis had jumped his claim on Lista. His delay in asking permission to court her had cost him. Now, that right belonged to Louis.

He remembered his conversation with Addington when she told him that she feared Louis might pursue Lista simply out of anger and it seemed that his little sister had been correct. Until this moment, he'd held out hope that it hadn't happened, but now he knew the truth.

He'd lost.

Everything.

"Then I will not interfere," he said, though he nearly choked on every word. "As a man of honor, I will surrender any claim or intentions I had towards the lady. You were correct when you said that I did not deserve her. I am a most unworthy man of such a magnificent woman. You are worthy, de Rhos, and not just because you are the son of an earl. You are a man of integrity and I respect that. Pray… be good to her. And do not think too poorly of me in the years to come."

With that, he turned away, looking for his horse, feeling a lump in his throat as he did so. Although it was well and good to return to Felkington to seek forgiveness, it was clear that was all he could seek. He'd made a mistake and Lista was now spoken for.

But not to him.

His horse was several feet away, grazing on a patch of fat, wet grass, so Julian headed in that direction. Tears began to fill his eyes because behind him, he could hear weeping and he knew it was Lista. She was weeping for him, for what they could have had. For what would never be. Blindly, Julian grabbed for his horse's reins, desperate to get clear of Felkington before he broke down completely. He had to get out of there before he lost himself.

"Julian, wait."

Louis was calling after him and he staggered to a halt, making sure there were no tears on his face before turning around to see that Lista was wiping the tears from her cheeks. Louis looked at her, his swollen face registering concern.

Compassion.

When Louis spoke, it was to Lista.

"Part of courtship is understanding if you and the lady you wish to court are fond of one another," he said. "I know that you were fond of Julian before you ever met me. I know that you wished for him to court you. You told me yourself. Had you not forgiven him when he came seeking your grace, this would not have been an issue. But clearly, you have forgiven him. As much as I want you to be fond of me and not him, I cannot in good conscience push this courtship any further. You would be miserable and I could not be the cause of it. I would much rather see you happy, even if it is at my own expense."

Lista wiped the tears from her chin. "Do you mean that?"

"As difficult as it is for me to say it, I do."

Lista stared at him a moment as if waiting for him to change his mind, but he simply looked at her. There was regret in his expression, but he wouldn't go back on his word. When she realized this, a smile spread across her lips.

"Louis," she said, reaching out to put a soft hand on his battered face. "That is the greatest gift you could give me. You have given me back my happiness and, for that, I shall always be grateful."

Louis forced a smile, feeling her warm hand against his face and knowing it would be the one and only time he would feel her flesh against his. But he wasn't sorry. He knew he'd done the right thing.

"Prove it to me by being truly and deliriously joyful all the days of your life," he said, turning to look at Julian, who was standing there in shock. "And take care of that big dolt. He needs it."

Julian was indeed in shock. His gaze was fixed on Louis in disbelief. "Never has anyone done something so completely selfless for me," he finally said. "I do not deserve it, but I will strive to be worthy of that gift. My heart may belong to Lista, but my sword and loyalty belong to you. Whatever you need, Louis, truly… all you need do is send word to me. I will come."

Louis smiled weakly. "One de Velt brother already had a woman taken from him by a de Rhos," he said. "I could not repeat history. Take her and welcome her, Julian. When I marry, I want it to be a woman who looks at me the way Lista looks at you. I know that now. I was trying to force something that would have made us all miserable."

"It is a wise man who realizes his follies."

"If you realized yours, I can realize mine."

Julian smiled at the man. He couldn't help it. Louis smiled in return, as much as his swollen mouth would allow, and moved away from Lista, heading off to find his horse who had bolted away during the fight. As Louis wandered down the road, calling for his steed, Julian turned to Lista.

One moment he was looking at her and in the next, she was in his arms.

He didn't know how it happened, only that it had. The first real touch, the first real embrace, and the first real kiss all came together in a clash of flesh and blood and emotion. Julian could feel Lista alternately weeping and giggling as he kissed her furiously, realizing that he was weeping and giggling, too.

It was joy.

It was bliss.

It was all things delirium.

In the arms of Lista de la Mere, Julian found his everything.