19. Ell-rom

19

ELL-ROM

" L et's start with something easy," Vanessa said. "Breathe in for four counts, hold for seven, and then exhale for eight. This helps activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which counteracts the fight-or-flight response."

Ell-rom followed her lead, feeling some of the tension leave his body as he focused on his breathing.

"That was good," Vanessa said after several repetitions of the exercise. "How do you feel?"

"Better. I'm not nauseous."

"Excellent. Now that your stomach is at ease, we can move on to the next technique. It's called cognitive restructuring. Often, our aversions are fueled by irrational thoughts. What thoughts go through your mind when you think about blood?"

Ell-rom hesitated. "I'm not sure."

"What is the first thing that comes to your mind?"

"Death. Suffering."

Vanessa nodded. "True, it could be both. But blood is also life. We can't live without it, and many people donate blood so it can be given to others when they need it, like in the case of an injury or during an operation. Think about the blood flowing in your veins and focus on how vital it is to your survival and the survival of your loved ones."

It was an excellent diversion of focus, and it was helping, but then another thought surfaced, one he hadn't been aware of until now.

"When I think about my blood, I also think about it being impure, contaminated."

"Those are powerful thoughts," Vanessa acknowledged. "But are they rational? Your blood is obviously not contaminated, but I get where these thoughts are coming from. The Kra-ell living among us divide themselves into purebloods and hybrids, and for the longest time, the purebloods felt superior to the hybrids. Some of them probably still do, but it's a fallacy. Here on Earth, the hybrids have had a big advantage over the purebloods. They can pass for humans, while the purebloods must put much more effort into camouflaging their alien looks. What I'm trying to say is that each has advantages and disadvantages, but neither determines the kind of people they are. The only thing that determines your worth as a person is what you do and how it affects others. Are you creative and productive? Are you kind? Do you protect the law-abiding and contributing members of your society from criminals and other evildoers? What does society gain by having you as its member? Your deeds, or lack thereof, are what matters. All the rest are just prejudices and bigotry."

"Wow." Ell-rom leaned back. "That's such a clear definition of worth. I need to remember it for when I'm in the position to actually contribute. Right now, I'm only a burden."

She smiled. "We all need help from time to time, and some need more help than others, and that's okay. It's not going to be long before your health is restored, and even if you don't regain any more memories, you can learn everything you need to know anew and find your own way to contribute. Being immortal, time is irrelevant."

Vanessa's words eased a knot in his chest, and for the first time in days, he felt like he could take a full breath.

As they continued working through his thoughts, challenging and reframing them, Ell-rom's perspective was reshaped. He could see how negative thoughts had been feeding his anxiety.

"Now," Vanessa said, "I want to introduce you to a technique called systematic desensitization. We'll create a hierarchy of situations related to blood, starting with the least anxiety-provoking and working our way up. Then, we will pair each situation with relaxation techniques. Regrettably, we don't have any blood around to practice with, so it would have to be a thought experiment." She frowned. "Here is an idea. We can start with synthetic blood. It has the same properties as the real thing, but knowing it didn't come from a person or an animal might make it easier for you to tolerate the smell. I'll talk to Julian about getting some for you."

Ell-rom winced. "I hope you are not expecting me to drink it. No amount of talking could convince me to do that."

"Eventually, you'll have to taste it, or you won't be able to bite anyone. I'm talking about a lick, not a sip."

The revulsion surged up again, but he managed to push it back. "I'll think about it while doing the breathing exercises."

"Excellent," Vanessa said. "I also want you to do some positive visualization. Imagine yourself calmly and confidently handling situations involving blood. The mind is more powerful than you think, Ell-rom, and this can help prepare you for real-life exposures."

"I'll try. Thank you for spending so much time with me. It was more helpful than I ever expected."

Vanessa smiled. "I'm glad I could help. I'll talk to Julian later and schedule another video call, this time with a cup of synthetic blood at the ready." She lifted her hand. "It was a pleasure to get to know you, and I'm looking forward to our next session." She ended the call before he could tell her that the pleasure was all his.