Chapter 22

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

IVY

People didn't get any creative with insulting nicknames over time.

"Whore."

"Traitor."

"Bitch."

All of those echoed through the hallways as I passed through them, trying hard to prepare for my finals and work through the chaos.

I decided to stay at school instead of going home for Thanksgiving. I didn't want to see Daisy and Ander, and the campus was finally empty, allowing me to enjoy my solo dorm room where I moved back after the fallout with Kaia.

It wasn't ideal, and it felt like a huge step backward but it was necessary in order for me to take back control over my life.

I was doing my best to maintain my positive outlook on life and to prepare for my finals. The Soccer Cup Final was still a week away, taking place early December and I was anxious about how the team would perform.

My heart ached when I saw Max archived all our posts. I understood his pain and hurt and I didn't expect him to reach out. Not after that text from my phone went viral and even made it to ESPN. I was embarrassed I put him in this position.

Yet, I couldn't stop missing him.

I couldn't stop thinking of him and wishing that we got more time together.

I missed him inside me; no matter how many times I touched myself, it never felt the same. Not without him. Never when it wasn't him.

While Ander ruined my image of sex and made me believe it's nothing special, Max fully destroyed sex for me. Nothing felt as good as when he was inside me, when he touched me, when he made me come.

I'd been chasing that feeling on my own and I always fell short.

And worst of all, I had to look for alternative running trails to make sure I didn't run into him or his team during my runs. But it gave me time and focus to train for a full marathon that I impulsively signed up for in the summer and incorporate longer runs into my daily life to keep my schedule packed. Running for two hours a day really limited the free time I had.

Plus, I excelled in my classes, which wasn't a bad thing.

There were a whole bunch of positives to my new life, but I couldn't help but focus on those little negative things.

Like missing Maximilian Aarons.

Wrapped up in a black sweater under my wind jacket, I warmed my hands on a takeaway cup I picked up from a coffee truck on my walk back from my long run. The warmth of the drink felt good on both my insides and on my freezing hands as I took a deep breath of the chilly December weather.

"You're impossible to find!" Someone grabbed my shoulder and I turned, plucking my earbuds out.

"Came to deliver your threat?" I asked Nova, the familiarity of her face making me ache for those days when we watched the game together and I thought we might become friends.

"No." Nova grimaced and shook her long dark hair. "I came to check in on a friend."

The way she said friend made my eyes tear up.

"I guessed you could use one," she offered a soft smile. "Now, I know I'm not choice number one, which deeply wounds me, but Rosie is on Derek duty, which she's been enjoying quite a lot. If you buy me a coffee, I can catch you up on all the gossip."

I almost cracked a smile hearing her upbeat, melodic voice and I turned toward the coffee truck. "What's your drink? All black like your soul?"

"I don't actually drink coffee. I'll take a hot chocolate with lots of cream on top."

"How are you so hyper without coffee?"

"Can you imagine if I drank it?" she asked, her smile contagious. "Everyone always gets surprised, but I don't like anything that gets me addicted. Other than sex. Sex is healthy."

"Really?" I arched a brow. "How so?"

"Did you know that it eases cramps when you're on your period? Regulates your mood. Helps you fall asleep," she listed the reasons until it was our turn. Then she flashed her beautiful smile at the guy and ordered her hot chocolate with extra cream. The way she said extra cream got the poor teenager blushing and he even gave her the drink for free. "I just saved you money," she informed me as she bounced away from the coffee truck and I couldn't help but laugh.

I wanted to be Nova just for a day. Her brain was full of rainbows and butterflies.

"So, how are you doing?" she asked, sipping on her drink. "For real, not the bullshit excuse."

She was the first person who asked me that, other than my father who gave me a quick call after Thanksgiving when potentially Daisy broke the news that Max and I were never really an item.

I shrugged. "Heartbroken, which is ridiculous."

"Your feelings are valid," Nova encouraged me to keep going. "You've been through a lot as well."

"I feel guilty and sad," I continued, staring at the close by park. The one Max and I spent countless afternoons at, kissing, discussing school and life. It felt like a lifetime ago. Yet, the memories didn't fade.

Instead, the places that used to remind me of Ander, the thing that would trigger me into relieving some bad memories, they turned positive. It felt like all the thorns that I gained from my previous relationship helped bloom the roses I saw now. All I saw was happiness and love.

And it hurt more than remembering all the bad things.

"I feel hurt. I confessed it to him. And he just... let me go." Tears choked me and my words came out quieter than anticipated. "I'm fucking hurt and broken, Nova. I have no one in my life I can turn to. I don't blame him. Fuck, I understand him. I ruined his career. I ruined Derek's chance of winning the final with his team. All I brought was pain in his life. I really am Poison Ivy. I feel so guilty and lost and angry and sad. But above all... I'm just heartbroken for how it all ended. I thought I knew what heartbreak was when Ander cheated on me with Daisy, but this feels hundred times worst. This pain feels like someone reached out into my chest and carved my heart out. Like they ripped it out from me, but I didn't die. I'm just slowly bleeding out one day at a time, waiting for the end that never seems to arrive. It's just constant agony and pain. Everywhere I look, everywhere I go, I see him, feel him. There is no getting away from him. I see him in the flowers that grow despite the cold weather. I see him every time I catch a glance of the ocean. I see him when I walk past the park and when I drink my coffee. There is not a single thing in my life that doesn't remind me of him. I gave him my all heart and soul during these short months. And now I'm left here all empty."

It was word vomit that ended with me bawling my eyes out and sniffing. I just broke down from the honesty that rippled through me. From all the emotions I didn't address. From everything I tried to hold in as I focused on moving on.

But I couldn't move on. Not without stopping and acknowledging everything that happened.

She wrapped her arm around me and asked, "Do you need a tissue?"

I snorted. "Yeah."

I blew my nose and dried my eyes, taking deep breaths.

"I feel so stupid, but at the same time... I would do the exact same thing again. Just to meet Max, to get to know this side of him and have a chance to fall in love with him again. He might have ruined every guy that comes after him, but it was worth it. Does that make me a horrible person?"

"It makes you a human. You're in love with him. It's hard not to love Max."

"It's impossible not to fall for him." I sighed deeply. "He is perfect. And the saddest thing is he doesn't realize it at all. He is born like that. He doesn't even try to be perfect. So unfair."

Nova chuckled and nodded. "True. He is incredible."

"How is he?"

Nova remained quiet while we walked in silence. We stopped by the lake, watching the swam swim toward us.

"He's getting by," she replied finally. After all, she was his friend, she was always going to choose Max's side. But it seemed somewhere along the way, Nova decided I was worth choosing too. "It's tough for him and his people pleasing personality as Brooklyn would say. He lost everything he's worked for and he still doesn't see where he went wrong. He doesn't see the learning, only the one where he shouldn't have entered into this deal with you. And for some reason, that's unacceptable for him. So, he keeps on going back and forth figuring out to come to any kind of conclusion to be able to move on. And then we didn't touch on the fact that assholes like Nico gave him crap and obviously he is heartbroken as he needs to wait another four years for the next World Cup."

I wanted to agree, but the guilt wrapping around me didn't allow me to utter a word. I didn't know what to say or how to react, but it sucked to know Max wasn't doing any better than I was.

"Also, on top of everything, I think he loves you," she added as a side note.

My heart skipped a beat, and I glared at her.

"Listen, I would be the first one to write you off, and I had my suspicions from the moment I saw you watch their practice. But I pride myself on being a good judge of character and you, my friend, are a good person. You both got played. So, I'm not holding anything against you."

"Thank you?"

Nova laughed. "I'm sure Max will come around, just give him some space to lick his wounds and grieve his career."

"Those are pretty big things," I muttered. "I'm not sure he can just get over it. Soccer is his whole personality."

"True," Nova agreed. "But Max is learning there is more to life than soccer. Look how well he did diversifying himself with you. I even caught him play Minecraft."

I remembered how casually he pushed his Switch under my nose and how surprised I was to find my favorite comfort game on it just because he thought I needed something to occupy my mind.

He was so freaking perfect.

And I never deserved him.

"He was really average at most other things," I remarked, making Nova laugh.

"I wouldn't say this, if it wasn't something I know no one would mind... but... I think you should come to the finals."

I sucked in a deep breath and held it in as Nova spoke.

"It's an away game, the guys need all the support. Dex is coming with us as well because he wants to watch it, and I'm sure Max would love to see you cheer him on."

I was skeptical about that last part.

"Max and I... we are really done. He is not returning my calls or texts. I'm sure he doesn't want to see me there. If anything... I'll be a huge distraction. He did his best to distance himself from me and I need to respect that."

It was the hardest speech I had to go through. Even harder than confessing my feelings. Because what I just told Nova was my new reality. One I needed to start living in and accepting. There was no need for me to hold on to hope.

"Just... give it a thought?" she asked, her voice quieter than usual. "You have my socials so just drop me a message if you change your mind."

"Thank you, but I won't."

She nodded. "I will get going then... I would say don't be a stranger, but I feel like us bumping into each other coincidentally will be tough. I would still love to see you... sometime."

"I would like that."

"Just because you don't date a Titan doesn't mean you are not a Titan anymore," she muttered as she squeezed my shoulder. "You are a Titan forever. No matter what. And Titan's don't break."