Chapter 4

Beingwith Todd for one incredible night and having him leave again had been a mistake, especially letting him mark her. Todd's possessive marks on her body were disappearing a little more each day, making her want to cry. She'd been avoiding Roger, telling him she wasn't feeling well, which was true, although it was more of an emotional than physical. Other than for work, she didn't leave the house for a week. Diana and Chad tried valiantly to cheer her up, but even if she was happy for a moment or two, it didn't take long before despondency set back in. Every night before bed and every morning, she would stand naked in front of the mirror, fingertips running over the hair growing back on her mound and the hickeys slowly fading on her breasts.

Listlessly, she went on with life. Dates with Roger were dull now, even though she used to enjoy their conversations. It was as if Todd had swooped in, sucked the life out of her, then left—an emotional vampire—yet if he came back, she would have jumped for joy.

If he hadn't shown jealousy, maybe she would have been able to move on. If he'd treated her with distance, with indifference, as just a sex object. But they'd talked, cuddled, and he'd marked her because he didn't want her being with another guy. Now, he was gone. Not even knowing if he'd ever come back for her, Allison found herself wanting to honor that. It was so fucked up. She stopped inviting Roger in after dates unless Diana was there since he would never have sex while Diana was home. Fortunately, he was too much of a gentleman to show his frustration, although she'd occasionally see that dangerous glint in his eyes, but it no longer excited her or made her hopeful.

She was just going through the motions of life—walk, talk, eat, sleep, work, date—without taking any real interest. At the same time, she was getting more and more angry with herself for behaving this way over a guy who made no promise—not verbally, but with his body. Allison turned the events of that night over in her head, again and again. Todd had never said anything to indicate his feelings for her, but she knew they were there, instinctively, irrevocably—as long as she wasn't just making it up in her head. But why else leave hickeys? And shave her? They had plenty of rough sex, but he'd made love to her, too—owned her with his body.

The memories fanned flames of arousal every time she thought about it.

* * *

"Hey, Allison, come join us,"Sally, one of the executive secretaries, said. She was walking toward the front entrance of the office with the Office Manager, Clara, and another secretary, Linda. "We're going out to lunch."

Allison hadn't planned on taking a lunch break for another half an hour, but she didn't want to be rude, and it would be good to get out of the office. She hadn't joined anyone for lunch in a while, just sat at her desk and worked through the break. Todd had been gone for three weeks. Her pubic hair had grown back, and the marks on her body he'd left were gone. It was past time to get her act together and start living again.

"Sure, thanks. Just let me grab my purse, and I'll meet you out front."

Being in a car with a group of women felt nice. These three, in particular, were friendly and welcoming. She'd been out to lunch with them before and enjoyed it. She didn't have a lot in common with them, other than working at the same place, and they were all older, in their late twenties and early thirties, but she appreciated feeling like there were people at work she could spend time with.

Lunch conversation flowed, eventually winding down to boyfriends and sex.

"What about that hunk you're dating, Allison?" Clara asked. She was the oldest of the women in her early thirties with dark blonde hair and a warmly rounded body. Allison had once shown her a picture of Roger, and she'd just about swooned.

"Oh, um… things are fine, I guess," Allison said, shrugging. She winced, realizing her lackluster response would garner more questions.

"Uh oh, trouble in paradise?" Sally asked before taking a large bite of her cheeseburger. No matter what Sally ate, she never had trouble maintaining her slim figure, although she'd once confessed to Allison she wished she had Allison's breasts. Sally was petite and tiny, not very curvy, and it didn't help that she was a runner, constantly on the go.

"Not really trouble, just…" Allison hesitated. "It's a lot of little things. There was a guy before him I was really into. He challenged me, opened me up to new experiences—comparatively, Roger's kind of dull. I feel bad saying that because he's a really good guy. I just miss the excitement. And we're not really, you know, compatible in bed all the time."

"Well, feel free to send him over to me for lessons," Clara said, winking. All of them giggled. "I'm sorry to hear that, sweetie, but you're young. There's plenty of time."

"Sounds like he's kind of a rebound," said Linda. "How serious were you with the other guy?"

"Not serious," said Allison, stabbing a piece of her chicken parmesan with unnecessary force.

"Oooh, so it's like that, is it?" Linda asked sympathetically. All of them looked sympathetic, but Allison was suddenly aware of how much older they all were, probably thinking about young love and how she'd get over Todd and find someone better. Part of her wanted to rebel against that logic, but part of her hoped they were right.

"Well, with the sex thing, do you… you know? Take care of yourself?" Sally asked, then blushed deeply as they looked at her. It was hard to see the blush because of her creamy cocoa skin, compliments of her Filipino heritage, but she was embarrassed enough for the heat to darken her cheeks. The girls burst into wild giggles.

"I mean, um… yes?" Allison laughed, knowing she was blushing, too.

"I'm just asking because I got a new vibrator," Sally said, lowering her voice to a whisper. "And it's ah-maaaaazing."

"What kind?" Clara asked.

"It's called a dolphin, just like a rabbit but with a dolphin shape."

They cracked up, knowing Sally's penchant for dolphins. She had a dolphin snow globe on her desk, all of her pens had dolphins decorating them, and the pendant hanging from her necklace was a pretty silver dolphin.

"Why am I not surprised?" Linda asked through the laughter.

It got Allison thinking, and when she got home, she got onto her computer, searching for sex toys, which inevitably led to story and porn sites. Things were definitely hot online. She found a site filled with girls taking huge cocks up their asses, another where it was all gangbangs and orgies, and another with just bondage and whips and chains. Her pussy was wet and hungry from jealously looking at these girls, all in positions she'd been in before, doing things she kinda wished she was doing now. Finally, she found a site that made life spring back into her dull hazel eyes. Sitting up straight, she looked through it in awe as page after page of kinky sex toys available for her to buy passed by her eyes.

Why hadn't she ever bought herself some new sex toys? All she had was her same old vibrator and the butt plug Todd had sent her home wearing. She could have bought some for herself. Looking over the site, she decided she wanted to be conservative with her first choices, although it was infinitely better than having to go to an actual store and look over the products. Online, there was no one to see her shame as she picked out a medium-sized rubber butt plug, the same kind of tweezer clamps on a Y shaped chain Todd had put on her, and a vibrator with a little beaver shaped clit stimulator.

That night, Allison decided she wasn't going to wait around for Todd again. If he had feelings for her, maybe some competition would be good for him. Diana was over at Chad's, and Roger was invited inside for the first time since Todd left again. It was a decision she almost regretted as he slowly and gently thrust into her wanting pussy and moaned into her curls. Heaving underneath him, she pretended to pant for breath and gasp as he made love to her, all the while wishing she hadn't invited him in. It wasn't even as if she could pretend he was Todd. Todd would never leave her wanting like—unless he was teasing her to get her riled, then become harder and rougher as she begged him to fuck her. Wrong. This all just felt so wrong.

"Oh…" Roger sighed in completion as he rolled off her and pulled her close, hands stroking her sides. "I love you, Allison."

She tried not to tense up when he said it, and fortunately, he didn't seem to notice as he kissed the back of her neck. Burrowing her face into his chest, she murmured something noncommittal and let him cuddle her, feeling like a monster.

That night, after Roger had fallen asleep, Allison slipped out of his arms and went into the main room of the apartment, curling up in her bathrobe. She was going to have to break up with him. It wasn't fair. If she'd realized his feelings were getting so intense… She'd been so wrapped up in her own feelings for someone else, she hadn't really been thinking about Roger. Allison felt awful. Curling up on the couch, for the first time, she cried over Roger.

* * *

Allison avoidedRoger for the next few days. She felt horribly guilty, but at the same time, it seemed awful to break up with someone the morning after sleeping with them and them confessing their love. Maybe a little distance would help sort out her feelings… maybe they wouldn't need to break up.

"All right," Diana said, practically jumping on Allison when she came home from work. Allison groaned as her roommate stripped her of her purse and jacket, dragging her into the kitchen. Dinner was ready—chicken parmesan, one of Allison's favorite comfort foods—so there were no distractions. Obligingly, Allison sat down at the kitchen table while Diana filled their plates with chicken, pasta, and green beans, shooting her suspicious looks.

"Okay, spill," Diana said as she put a plate in front of Allison. The heavenly smell of tomato sauce, oregano, and basil caressed Allison's nose, making her feel better already. There was a hint of citrus, too, which meant Diana had probably put lemon juice on the green beans. Yum. Allison cut into her chicken as she "spilled."

"I think I have to break up with Roger, but I don't know how to do it. I feel awful. I really like him, a lot, but he just isn't… he isn't who I see myself with."

"Is there someone else you see yourself with?" Diana asked astutely, picking up a forkful of green beans.

Allison chewed the chicken, letting the breading, moist meat, and tomato sauce slide down her throat, filling her stomach with contentment. Her taste buds were very happy, too.

"If Todd was here, then maybe yes. But that's not why I'm breaking up with Roger. I have no idea if Todd's ever coming back. I just..." Allison broke off her sentence sighed. "I want to want to be with Roger, but the truth is, I don't. The other night when he said he loved me, I realized I don't feel that deeply for him. Not even a little bit."

Diana made a face. "Yikes. What did you say back?"

"Nothing, just kind of mumbled into his chest." Allison felt immeasurably guilty. Some of that guilt eased when Diana laughed, not a mean laugh, just acknowledging the awkwardness of the situation. "Yeah. Slick, right?"

"Probably should have just said something right then."

"Well, I was kind of in the middle of having a revelation, and we'd just finished having sex. It didn't really seem like the right time."

"Ouch," Diana said, wincing sympathetically.

It was amazing how much difference a good friend and some delicious comfort food could have on a body… or a soul. Allison realized she'd been beating herself up over her treatment of Roger, but the truth was, if he did love her, he didn't love the entire person. She couldn't be herself around him, and sometimes when she tried, he would shut her down. It wasn't fair to him or her.

"Yeah, so now, I have to figure out how to break up with him." Allison thought back to past break-ups, which had always been so much easier, but with Roger… The truth was, if she hadn't met Todd, she might have thought herself in love with Roger by now. She really did care about him and didn't want to hurt him, but that wasn't enough to build a romantic relationship. On top of the fact, she didn't feel they had the chemistry she wanted—needed—in a romantic relationship. "I really hate the ‘let's just be friends' line, but it's actually true this time. It's complicated by the fact he works for my dad."

Diana made a face. "Yeah, that won't be fun, but it's not really your dad's business."

"I hope he remembers that," Allison muttered under her breath. It had been a while since she'd talked to or seen her parents. Staying away from them once she'd moved out, just made her happier overall. Realizing she didn't miss them had made her guilty for a while, but when she did talk to them, it didn't seem like they missed her all that much, either. As long as she behaved properly and wasn't doing anything to embarrass them, it didn't really matter where she lived. So as long as they didn't hear of any improprieties, they were satisfied. Allison shook her head.

"Thanks for cooking, by the way, this is delicious."

"You're welcome," Diana said, smiling. It hadn't taken them long to get through dinner. "Just wait until I do the brownies for dessert! You seemed like you need a pick-me-up."

"Yeah, I think I did. So, how are you and Chad?"

"Oh, same old, same old. He's fun, and I like dating him, but it's kind of like with Roger. I want to want to be with him, but there's just something missing. I've talked to him about it, and he feels the same way. He's not nearly as much of a stick in the ass as Roger, and he doesn't mind at all keeping things on a casual basis."

That was too bad. Allison had kind of hoped for something more romantic between Chad and Diana. It seemed like everyone was stuck in lackluster love lately.

* * *

She gota nice surprise in the middle of the week when her package of toys was finally delivered. Allison never paid much attention to tracking packages she ordered, preferring to have a nice surprise when she got home from work and found a ‘present' waiting for her. Today was a very nice present indeed. She pulled open the box, found the nipple clamps, and removed them from their packaging. Teasing her nipples to hardness with her fingers, Allison put the little tweezers around first her left, then her right nipple.

The little buds ached wonderfully. For a few minutes, she just stood in her room, shivering and rubbing her fingers over the increasingly sensitive tips of her nipples, the pretty pink slowly darkening as blood pooled in the tissues. The slight pain made her think of nothing but Todd. Part of her wanted to resist, but to hell with it. Until she found someone she could be with, who fulfilled her sexually, might as well use him as a fantasy love. He was definitely the only man to give her screaming orgasms.

And if she was going to use him as a fantasy lover, she might as well go all the way and break out the video. Eyes hungry, cheeks flushed, she watched hungrily as Todd shaved her pussy… Her hair was grown out again, and she made a face as she ran her hands over the trimmed mound. Seeing Todd's face, his body made her feel a little lonely and sad, but at the same time, she couldn't deny the effect he had on her arousal. Moaning, she rubbed her fingers over her nipples, feeling the swollen ache and sharp jolts of pain tingling through her breasts, watching on the video as he began to work the vibrator in and out of her pussy. She tugged on the chain between her hard, pink nipples until they felt like ripe cherries about to burst on her chest, swollen and hard. Perfect.

Eyes on the TV, she slathered the butt plug with lube, then got on all fours before reaching behind her and teasing her asshole with it. Watching the television as Todd's thick cock was sliding into her ass, she worked the plug back and forth, stretching the tight hole. The sensitive bundle of nerves ached and made her quiver as she felt her body opening.

Catching a glimpse of herself in the mirror, she was shocked at how slutty she looked, on her knees bent over on her bed, pressing a plug in and out of her ass, nipples clamped tightly with a chain hanging from them as her breasts swung gently beneath her body. Her cheeks were glowing, eyes sparkling, and her expression was lustful. It was an extremely erotic sight and turned her on almost as much as watching the TV. Todd would love to see her like this. She moaned loudly as she finished pressing the butt plug all the way in her ass, feeling her hole pop over the thickest part and close tightly. Closing her eyes, she pressed her fingertips against the base of the plug, making it rock inside her. Her pussy gave an answering quiver as her muscles tightened around the plug.

Turning over to sit on the bed, Allison found herself moaning happily as the plug pressed further into her body when all her weight rested on it. Turning on the beaver vibrator, she giggled as the cute little critter buzzed merrily. Experimentally, she pressed him lightly against one of her nipples, closing her eyes and straining her back as the bud vibrated and throbbed. Her lower body tightened as she teased both of her clamped nipples with vibrations, running her other hand down to rub the top of her pussy—damn hair.

Leaning back, she spanked her pussy as hard as she could, crying out as it burned and swelled. Her clit felt like it was on fire. Again and again, her hand descended on her pussy lips, although she couldn't make her hand hit herself nearly as hard as Todd had. It felt good though, pain and pleasure tingling through her, especially when she slid the vibrator up and down the wet slit between slaps. Going back and forth between spanking her pussy and rubbing it with the vibrator soon had Allison writhing with need.

She didn't have the self-control to continue tormenting herself, although she knew Todd would have kept it up until she was begging for release. But he wasn't here. Biting her lip, Allison pictured his dark eyes as he watched her be naughty, sliding the vibrator into her hole and feeling the pearls around the base of it moving, stimulating her pussy lips as the toy pressed against her g-spot. Her hips jerked as the beaver found her clit, teasing the small bud out from under its hood and making it swell as pleasure rose up inside her.

"Oh, fuck…" she moaned, letting her head fall back as her pussy and ass clutched at the toys convulsively, her clit throbbing between her legs. Using her free hand to tug on the nipple chain, she began to move the toy back and forth, fucking herself, pretending Todd was watching her pleasure herself… making her wait before she could come. The loss of the beaver against her clit every time she pulled the vibrator out made her groan in disappointment, then shudder with pleasure as it returned. Her legs spread and kicked, opening her up and tightening her. Her nipples were bright red as she tugged the clamps from them, making her scream as blood rushed back to the tortured flesh. Rubbing her hand over them to soothe the pain away, her entire body arched as the pulsing pain in her nipples resonated through her pussy.

"Fuck, oh, fuck… Todd… Fuck Me… Oh, Todd!" His name exploded out of her mouth as she came, unbidden and overwhelming. Just hearing her voice calling out for him as if he was really there, enhanced her pleasure. "Fuck!" The hard vibration against her clit made her twist and thrash on the bed as wave after incredible wave of orgasm swept over her, her body burning and aching, riding the ecstasy as dark eyes filled her mind.

Panting, she pulled the gyrating toy away from her sensitive tissues, curling into a ball as her over-stimulated nerves relaxed. That had been intense, and so much better than using her fingers. Too bad Todd was the one in her mind as she'd worked herself to such an incredible climax. Asshole would probably enjoy knowing she was screaming out his name while he wasn't even on this side of the ocean.

* * *

"Allison, what's this?"Diana's voice echoed through the apartment from the bathroom. What's what? Allison wondered. Oh, shit. Last night when she'd cleaned off the toys, she'd left the butt plug out to dry, with the errant thought, maybe she'd put it back in at some point, but instead, she'd left it sitting on the counter.

Appearing in the bathroom doorway, Allison's cheeks flushed as Diana looked at her with a mischievous grin. From the expression on the petite girl's face, she knew exactly what the object sitting on the counter was but was enjoying discomfiting her roommate.

"Sorry about that," Allison said, reaching out and grabbing the toy. Well, it was definitely dried off. Diana laughed out loud at the sheepish and embarrassed look Allison gave her. The toy seemed monumentally out of place in their bathroom with its ivory walls, dark rose-pink rug on the floor, and matching shower curtain with a lace overlay.

"What's it like with a toy? Is it different?" Diana asked, gesturing to the toy in Allison's hands.

"Umm..." The blush crept back up into Allison's cheeks. How to explain? "Yeah. Still full, but the buzzing is… intense."

It felt weird to be the one knowledgeable about something kinky, but by the excited gleam in Diana's eye and the slight flush on her cheeks, it was knowledge she wanted. Allison counted herself lucky to have a friend like Diana, so sweet, loyal, honest, and interested in everything. Even if she wasn't interested, she wouldn't judge Allison for anything she did and wouldn't go around gossiping about Allison's proclivities. Diana wasn't one to do anything behind someone's back.

"Cool," Diana said as Allison turned to go. "I might have to try it someday. Or maybe try it out on someone else first." The pretty Asian winked as Allison laughed at the idea of Diana putting a butt plug in Chad. Then he really would have a stick up his ass! Or close enough.

"I don't think I have anyone who would be willing to let me try that on them." Not that she wanted to, really. She liked being the one out of control. Of course, if Todd had been around, she might have mentioned it to him, just to get a reaction.

Damnit, woman, get that man out of your head.

Roger probably wouldn't react too well, either. Thinking of him, Allison felt her heart sink.

"Uh oh, what's that look for?" Diana asked.

"I invited Roger over Saturday afternoon, so I can break up with him." Last night, she'd decided, definitively, it wasn't fair to keep him hanging on. Even if she wanted to have feelings for him, it's not like she could force them to appear, and it wasn't right to keep both of them stuck in this limbo.

"Oh." The soft brown of Diana's eyes were sympathetic. "Do you want me to be around?"

"Probably not during the afternoon, if that's okay with you, but can we get some girl time after?"

"Absolutely." Diana gave her a big hug, and Allison squeezed her friend back, then giggled as she realized she was still holding the butt plug. Somehow, holding a butt plug and hugging just didn't seem to go together. Diana turned her head and saw the reason for Allison's laughter, making her giggle as well. "Out and take your naughty toy with you."

Both of them giggled as Allison headed back toward her bedroom, hearing the sounds of water running as Diana turned on the shower. Too bad Diana wasn't a man. Then Allison could date her.

* * *

Saturday came all too quickly.Too scared to call him and talk to him on the phone, afraid she might blurt out the reason she was inviting him over—and Allison didn't want to be one of those girls who did an over the phone break up—Allison had texted Roger to see if he could come over that afternoon. Of course, he'd said yes. Now, she didn't know what to do. Should she put out cheese and crackers and offer him a snack before dumping him?

Ugh. She felt so heartless. It had been so much easier when it was a guy she truly didn't care about, and she could tell he had only been dating her for the approved social connection, not because he really had any interest in her. None of them had been hurt when she'd started turning them down for dates. She and Roger had been dating for months, and it had started to turn into a real relationship—just not one she was truly invested in. She didn't want to hurt him, though, and it might sound egotistical to say she knew she was going to, but it was true. Last week, he'd told her he loved her. This week, she was breaking up with him.

Should she chicken out? Just keep up the charade?

No. That would be worse. Eventually, it would come out that she wasn't happy in the relationship, and she couldn't see that changing. Holding onto something she didn't want would just make them both miserable. She should free Roger, so he could find a girl who deserved him, would make him happy, and would allow him to make her happy.

Allison just couldn't be that girl.

Her stomach twisted, and she felt nauseous when the doorbell rang. Diana had vacated about half an hour ago. She would have stayed longer, but Allison had shooed her out the door. Diana had her own life to attend to. They'd go out tonight, have a couple of drinks, dance, then come back to the apartment for a chick flick and ice cream. It sounded like the perfect post-breakup night, but Allison felt incredibly guilty she'd planned it in advance.

Opening the door just made her feel worse. Roger was standing there with the sweetest smile on his face, the kindest look in his green eyes, and a bouquet of mixed flowers that smelled wonderful. As he took in the expression on her face, his smile faded, and he started to look worried. Allison felt like the biggest bitch, the worst person on the planet, and she wished she could just run away. Maybe she should change her mind. If she made him happy, that wasn't the worst fate in the world, right?

"Allison, what's wrong?" Roger set the flowers down on the table next to the door where she and Diana kept their keys and loose change.

All it took was one look at him, into his caring, generous eyes, and Allison burst into tears. Care was replaced with alarm as Roger pulled her into his arms, holding her close against his body, and stroked the soft curls of her hair. Shit, she was shit.

"What's wrong, sweetie?"

Allison sobbed harder. God, it was now or never. She needed him to stop being so nice to her, or she'd never get through this. Pulling away, she stared at the floor, relieved he let her go far enough to distance herself from him.

"I'm s-s-s-ooorry, I can't… I can't do this," she managed to say through shuddering gasps for air. The sobs wracked her body. She was pathetic. She needed to get a grip, so he didn't feel like he had to pity her.

"Can't do what?"

"This. Us. I'm sorry," she said, gulping back tears. For a brief moment, she looked up into his concerned green eyes and immediately tore her gaze away. That was a mistake. "I… we… I can't be with you anymore."

His hands fell away from her arms. Good. Now, he would hate her the way she deserved to be hated.

"Is it something I did?"

Horrified, Allison shook her head frantically. Now, she was the one reaching out to touch his arms, looking up into his face, so he could see her expression. Tears still leaked out of her eyes, but she was getting more control as the urge to make sure he knew he wasn't the problem became overwhelming.

"No. No, no, no, no." Her fingers clenched his sleeves as she tried to get her sincerity across to him. Disbelief and worry flickered across his face. "I want to want you. You're perfect, so perfect in every way… It's me. There's something wrong with me or something. There's just… something missing for me, and I can't explain it, and I'm not sure I really know what it is, but it's not fair to keep you hanging around when I can't give you what you deserve."

Finally, the right words were coming out of her mouth, the ones she'd thought, hoping they would explain everything. It saddened her immeasurably to see his green eyes darken, the delicate skin around them reddening slightly as he held back his own tears. He wouldn't cry in front of her. Gently he plucked her fingers from the sleeves of his shirt.

"It's okay, Allison."

"It's not… you have to know, it's not you. I swear." Babbling, she was babbling. When Roger pulled her into his arms again, she lost it, her sobs renewing.

"Why do you have to be so perfect?" she wailed against his chest. A thin bubble of ironic laughter rippled through him.

"I could say the same to you," he said gently as he released her.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she said again, wiping her tears from her face. Gulping air, she tried to slow her breathing and get herself back under control. Roger's expression was full of regret and disappointment she'd put there, but it reaffirmed her decision. Holding onto him longer would have been so unfair. "I wish… I wanted it to work. I really did."

"So, did I." Kissing her forehead, he turned to go, giving her one last sweet smile before shutting the door behind him.

Allison burst into tears again.

Fortunately, it didn't take Diana long to get home after Allison texted her. Telling her friend about Roger's kindness, his understanding, made Allison cry all over again as Diana held her. Cocktails and dancing were put on the back burner. Fortunately, they had vodka and cranberry juice in the fridge for Allison to drink while they picked out chick flicks—definitely needed more than one—and ordered Chinese food.

Talking to Diana helped a lot. Allison couldn't help her feelings, and she'd done the right thing—the two thoughts she hung on to that kept her from feeling like a wicked person. She still felt guilty for hanging on to Roger as long as she had. She should have broken up with him a while ago, but she'd wanted to try to make it work so badly.

Well, she wouldn't make that mistake again.