Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

brIAR

" B astian—" I start, but he cuts me off.

"I'm fine, or I will be, but Xander… I'm not sure he will be. Please just at least check on him. I know he's not your favorite person, but he doesn't deserve to hurt like this. Please. I think you're the only one he might talk to right now." Bastian rambles until I kneel on the floor with him.

I grab his shaking hands in mine and wait until he looks up at me. "I'll do it, Bastian, as long as you're sure you're okay. And I don't dislike Xander. He's hurt me, but he's only been able to do that because I care about him."

Bastian nods at me, so I drop his hands. Pushing to my feet, I walk to the door. Once I reach it, I pause and take one last look at Bastian. His shoulders shake with silent sobs, and my heart hurts for both of them.

Trusting Bastian to know what he needs most right now, I follow Xander. When I step outside the door, I see Malachi walking out of his temporary room, probably having heard all the commotion. He gives me a questioning look, so I nod back toward Bastian. Dipping his chin in acknowledgement, he heads toward Bastian, and I follow the same path Xander did. Hooking a right at the bottom of the stairs, I walk over to the French doors that lead out to the backyard. I'm guessing he went out this way.

Once I'm standing on the brick patio, I realize I have no clue how to find Xander. He's long gone, so I can't just follow him by sight. Maybe I can track him with scent? I'm nowhere near good enough with my wolf nose to do that myself, so I call on Dido. Hey, Dido? Can you help me track Xander?

"I can, child. Do you wish to stay in this form?"

Yeah, if I can.

"You can. Cede control of this body to me, and I'll find your mate."

I do as she tells me to. Before I know it, I'm sprinting through the forest, expertly weaving between shrubs, trees, and fallen logs. It's super trippy being a passenger in my own body, but I'm willing to do it for Xander.

Ten or so minutes later, Dido brings my body to a stop. "He is through these trees. Your body is yours to control again."

Thanks, Dido. I don't think I'd have been able to find him on my own.

"Anytime, child."

Now that my body is mine again, I sound like a stampede of angry elephants rampaging through the forest. Leaves crunch loudly under my feet in the quiet. The only sounds, besides my clumsiness, are the scurrying of wildlife, the flapping of wings, and the calls of the various animals.

Breaking through the tree line, I spot Xander sitting on the edge of a small cliff overlooking a valley filled with trees. His legs are dangling over the edge, and his elbows are resting on his knees. Xander doesn't turn around at my approach, but he does hear me.

"Go back inside, Briar. I'm not…." Xander's raspy voice breaks off. He shakes his head before continuing. "I'm not very good company right now."

I ignore him and sit on the cliff edge with him. Swinging my legs to hang off the edge, I lean back on the rough stone with my hands. "I know. I don't care if you're good company, though."

Xander balls up his fists but doesn't look at me. "Briar, just go. I don't want to hurt you, but I probably will right now."

"It's okay if you do, Xander." I give him a small shrug. "I've come back for more every other time you've stomped on my heart, so I'll be fine."

Xander whips his head around to look at me. His mouth is parted in shock. "When have I stomped on your heart?"

I give him a small, sad smile. "When you run hot and cold. Sometimes you make me feel like I matter to you. Other times, you give me the messiest kiss of my life, scold me for almost dying, and storm off. Yet I'm still here."

"I wasn't fucking trying to hurt you!" Xander shoves his hand through his hair in frustration at himself. "That's why you need to go back inside now. I don't want to hurt you, sweetheart. Despite my actions, you do matter to me. A hell of a lot."

"And you matter to me, Xander." It would be easier some days if I didn't care so much, but I do. "That means that I want to see all of you, not just the parts of you that you deem safe to show the world. I want to see the messy, broken, raw, hurting, angry, sad, and frustrated parts of you. I want it all, and I want to be the person you turn to when things are hard. The person you trust to always be there, no matter what."

Xander's gaze bounces over my face like he's trying to see if I'm lying. After a moment, he stares back out over the forest beneath us. His heel knocks against the cliff face, sending a rock tumbling down. We watch it fall in silence for a moment. "How can you want me after knowing what I did to Bastian?" Xander croaks.

The visceral pain in his voice makes my chest ache. "You didn't do anything to him. That was all on the priest. None of it's your fault."

Xander clenches his jaw and looks down at his lap. His blond hair falls in front of his eyes, casting shadows on his face that makes everything look sharper. "It is. I should've known, and I should've stopped it."

"There wasn't any way for you to know. Bastian didn't tell you because he loves you. And because he was a kid who was manipulated by an authority figure," I tack on, anger at the priest seeping into my voice. I didn't know it was possible to hate someone I've never met so much. "None of what happened is on you or him."

"I failed him, and I know I'll eventually fail you," he admits. "You're better off without me."

My throat feels tight as I finally understand why Xander can seem like two different people sometimes. It isn't that he doesn't care. It's that he cares enough to want to protect me from what he views as the biggest threat—himself. I lay my hand over his, trying to provide a bit of comfort. My heart beats a little harder in my chest when he doesn't push me away.

"You didn't fail him, Xander. You're the one that saved him, remember? You're the one that finally made it stop. And you won't fail me. There's no universe in which I'm better off without you." Even with all our ups and downs, I know it in my bones that having Xander, in any way I can, will always be better than living without him.

"You said it yourself. I hurt you." His voice breaks on the last word.

"Yeah, you have, but that's part of caring about someone. Sometimes, even though we do everything we can to avoid it, we hurt the people we care about most. That doesn't mean we don't care about them. It means we're human, and we fuck up sometimes. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and try to do better going forward. But even with hurting me, you add so much to my life that makes all the pain worth it," I tell him honestly.

He scoffs. "What could I possibly add to your life?"

"So much, Xander. You're incredibly smart and very skilled at explaining things. You don't make me feel like an idiot when I don't get something, which gives me the confidence to keep trying. You have one of the biggest hearts of anyone I've ever met. You care so much about those who matter to you, and you're willing to sacrifice everything for them. And you're funny, loyal, thoughtful, and so much more. I need you in my life, and, more importantly, I want you in it."

Xander wraps his arms around his middle as he stares off into the distance. He seems to come back to himself after a minute. Turning his deep green eyes on me, Xander asks, "What if I drive you to hurt or kill yourself like Bastian?"

"Oh, Xander, you didn't drive Bastian to anything." Xander shakes his head and opens his mouth to disagree. I raise my brows at him, and he shuts his mouth. "Bastian and I are the same in a lot of respects. I can only talk to my experience, but I'm guessing he's pretty similar.

"Before Patrick started beating me, I was just a normal kid. Overnight, I went from a kid who had never had a broken bone to someone who knew what it felt like to have every bone in both hands shattered, my femur snapped like a twig, and both collarbones broken in multiple places. And that was only the start.

"Along with fucking up my body, Patrick's beatings twisted, or maybe broke, something else in me. I started to associate strong feelings with pain. Anytime I had an overwhelming emotion, I needed to hurt to deal with it. The best type of pain was the kind I chose to feel. Running became my drug of choice. I'd run until I hurt as a way to deal with my feelings and have some control over my life.

"Bastian probably feels something similar. He started needing pain to deal with what he was feeling. Physical pain hurts a hell of a lot less than the emotional kind. Bastian chose to get beat up to feel something other than self-hatred, despair, and hopelessness. None of it was about you, Xander."

I squeeze my eyes shut to try to block out memories of the early beatings. They usually stay put in their neat little boxes, but talking about them gives them an opportunity to escape. With all my other memories I'm processing right now, the last thing I need is to be reliving some of the hardest parts of my life.

When I crack my lids, I see Xander staring at me, concern lining his face. He removes his hand from under mine. Before I have a chance to feel disappointed, he grabs my hand and intertwines our fingers. My pulse jumps at the contact. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart. If I could take it all from you, I would. What you said makes sense, but why did he almost get himself killed? That goes beyond pain."

I sigh as I stare out over the tree-filled valley beneath us. "No one needed him."

"That's not true! I fucking needed him," Xander protests.

"I mean that no one's safety or life depended on him." I swallow hard and debate what I want to say. "If I didn't have Ava, well, I probably wouldn't be here."

Xander rears back in surprise. "What?"

"There were so many times over the years, especially when I was lying on the floor alone, broken and bloody, that I wanted it all to end. I just wanted to give up and let him kill me," I whisper. "But if I did that, there'd be no one to protect Ava. I had to keep fighting because her life depended on me doing so. Whereas you, Malachi, and your parents were safe without Bastian. There was nothing stronger than his pain holding him here."

"Briar…." Xander starts. He stands up suddenly and reaches a hand down to me. I take it and let him pull me up. He heads over to a nearby tree and sits with his back against it. Crossing his legs, Xander tugs me down onto his lap so I'm facing him. He crushes me to his chest, and I inhale his ocean-spray scent. One of his hands splays on my lower back, and the other cups the back of my neck. "Sweetheart, I'm so fucking sorry. I'm so goddamned sorry we didn't find you sooner."

Pulling back, I narrow my eyes at him. "It's not your responsibility. Don't you dare take what Patrick did on your shoulders too." My voice comes out sharp, and Xander's eyebrows rise.

His lips hitch up in a small, bittersweet smile. "I can try not to. It's just hard not to feel like if I were better, all the bad shit wouldn't have happened to you or Bastian or Kai or even my parents." Xander shrugs.

I bite my lip, wondering how open he'll be to my suggestion. "Have you tried talking to someone? I don't know if there are even wolf therapists, but it might help."

Xander shakes his head. "No, I haven't. Bastian did. Mom and Dad made him after the last time he almost got himself killed. He hated it at first, but it did seem to help him a lot. But why do I need to talk to anyone? Nothing happened to me."

"Yeah, but it happened to someone you love. You saw how much pain Bastian was in and had to deal with the aftermath. That's still heavy and can have a lasting impact on you." It's clear to everyone but Xander just how much it's affected him.

"Have you talked to anyone?" he asks quietly.

"No, but I really probably should. It wasn't exactly an option while I was still living with Patrick." A laugh lodges in my throat as I imagine the look on his face if I said I wanted to go to therapy.

After shoving a hand through his already mussed-up hair, Xander blows out a breath. "I'll talk to someone if you do."

"Deal," I agree immediately. He gives me a barely there smile before his gaze flicks down to my lips. Deciding to be brave, I close the distance between us and press my mouth to his. Xander cups the side of my face and deepens the sweet kiss. His soft lips slide against mine before his tongue slips into my mouth.

We sit kissing for what feels like hours and seconds at the same time. He eventually pulls back to lean his forehead against mine. I'm out of breath from the sweetest kiss I've ever gotten from Xander. I want to sit here like this forever, but the sun's already dipping low on the horizon. We should probably head back before it gets dark.

Sighing, I lean back. "You ready to go back inside? Your twin's really worried about you, so he'd probably appreciate seeing you in one piece." After getting a nod from him, I put my hands on his shoulders and not very gracefully scramble off his lap. But, hey, at least I didn't fall. That has to count for something. Once Xander gets to his feet, we start the trek back to Saint's house.

Even though Xander has been sweet to me so far, I still feel raw. Talking about Patrick always makes me feel like someone poured liquid sandpaper into my veins that scrapes my insides until I'm just a bloody, torn-up mess.

I've never really talked to anyone about my messed-up coping strategies. It's easier to ignore all the ways I'm fucked up if I don't ever talk about it with anyone. It's also easier to forget all the times I wished I wouldn't wake up in the morning when I never share them. Pretending nothing was wrong helped me fake my way through life for the past seven years.

I don't know how to share all the pain that's locked in boxes in my mind with anyone. But for Xander, I'll try. I'd do anything for any of the four men who hold more of my heart than they probably should.