Chapter 19

19

MABEL

Ben is a good guy. If I was going to fall in love again, it should be with someone like him. But I thought Julian was a good guy, too, and look how that turned out. Maybe I’m rebounding. Or reverting back to my teenage self and the crush I had on Ben. Or maybe… I really don’t want to be alone despite telling myself I don’t want or need to be in another relationship. Will any man really accept me for who I am?

Although I never feel Ben is judging me. And I like that about him. If anything, he’s making me feel comfortable in my own skin again. More confident that I’m not a big loser.

So… we’re sleeping together. And it’s amazing. Seriously, the best sex of my life.

We’re both on the same page. Neither of us want a relationship.

I get why I don’t. Obviously. But why doesn’t Ben?

I try to draw that out of him one night when Marek goes out and we’re alone. Of course we end up in bed, because it’s basically impossible not to. But after, I snuggle into him, and ask, “Have you ever been in love?”

Probably a loaded question that will make him freeze up.

“No.”

I smile against his chest. Typical him with his lack of verbosity.

But then he surprises me. “The first time I ever had sex with a girl, I told her immediately after that I loved her.”

“Ohhhh. How did that go?”

“Not well. I never saw her again.” He sighs. “I was a stupid kid.”

“How old were you?”

“Sixteen.”

“Yikes.”

“Yeah. I got all… emo about it. It was dumb. I never did that again.”

“She didn’t talk to you about it?”

“No.” He snorts softly. “She was sixteen, too. We were both too young for that kind of conversation. Too young for sex, probably.”

“Still. That must have hurt, a little at least. That she disappeared.”

“Yeah. It was humiliating.”

“But you’ve had other relationships.”

“Eh… Nothing serious. Things never worked out.”

I remember what he said, once, that the women he met weren’t interested in long-term relationships. “What happened?”

I know I’m pushing it with the personal questions, but I’ve been open and honest with him about what happened with Julian, so I think it’s fair.

“Well. There was this one girl – Kodi. We went out together for a while, but… her friends thought I hated them.”

“Why would they think that? Ohhhh, wait.” I give him a searching look. “It was because you were quiet, wasn’t it?”

“I guess, yeah. They were always partying and going out. I went along, but that’s not me. Kodi wanted me to make more effort with them. I think her exact words were, ‘Why can’t you just be normal?’”

Ohhhh. I close my eyes as a sharp object gets stuck in my throat. I remember Jenny saying he was the most boring date ever. I get why she’d say that. And why his girlfriend’s friends would say that. But they’re wrong. “That was because they didn’t know you. Not because there’s anything wrong with you.”

He says nothing, his mouth tight.

“For real, Ben. When someone takes the time to get to know the real you, they don’t think that. It was their loss.”

His face softens and he reaches over to stroke my hair. “You said I was fine the way I was.”

I did say that. I look into his eyes. “And I meant it.” I want him to know that.

“I know.” He smiles. “And it meant a lot to me.”

Emotion brews in my chest. I’m starting to understand why he’s hesitant about relationships. It’s hard to trust someone after you’ve been hurt.

I know that myself. After I ended things with Julian, I couldn’t imagine ever trusting a man with my honesty and vulnerability. But with Ben, I feel… safe.

Yet also scared.

“I’m sorry those women were such bitches. That was a terrible thing to say to you.”

He chuckles. “Thanks.”

“I need to pee.” I roll away from him and out of bed and pad naked across the rug. I open his bedroom door and come face to face with Marek.

He freezes, his face almost laughably shocked. Probably similar to mine.

I slam the door shut.

“Aw, fuck,” I hear from the bed.

I bash my forehead against the door, my eyes squeezed shut. Did I really just encounter my brother while I’m bare ass naked in his friend’s bedroom?

“What the fuck is going on?” Marek shouts from the hall.

I hear rustling from the bed. I peek over my shoulder to see Ben standing there pulling on a pair of gray sweatpants. He shoves a hand into his hair and strides toward me, his jaw set. His steady eyes and straight posture reassure me.

“I got this,” he says quietly.

I pull my bottom lip between my teeth. “Let me grab something.” I dart across the room and grab my jeans.

Marek pounds on the door. “Mabel! Get out here.”

Dealing with a confrontation like this is not something Ben enjoys. And yet there he is, stepping up, brave, unflinching. He opens the door and squeezes out, shutting it behind him. “Easy, man,” I hear him say as I try to dress with fumbling hands.

“Where is she?”

“She’s getting dressed. Give her a minute.”

I pull in a breath and let it out. Ben’s got this.

I almost want to cry. He’s got this.

I can handle it. I’m a big girl. But the fact that he’s handling this makes my heart inflate.

Their voices move away from the door. I run my hands through my hair then follow them out to the living room.

Marek levels a forbidding look at Ben. “I cannot believe this.”

I walk up to Ben and grab his hand with both of mine. “It’s okay, Marek.”

His eyebrows launch up into his hairline. “It’s okay ?”

I glance at Ben, then lift my chin. “We’re adults. We’re both consenting. It’s fine.”

“I’m sorry, man,” Ben says.

“Sorry for what, exactly?” Marek snaps.

“I’m sorry you found out like this.”

“So you’re not sorry for banging my sister?”

Ben’s answer is immediate. “No.”

I exhale softy. I didn’t realize how much his answer meant to me.

Marek narrows his eyes at Ben. “What the fuck, man? You know there’s a rule about a teammate’s sister.”

“Why? Why is that a rule?”

“I don’t know! It just is.”

Ben looks at the ceiling.

“Things get messy when you break up,” Marek adds.

Ben slides a glance down at me, then says quietly, “We’re adults. Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it like adults.”

I nod quickly. “Yes.”

“How long has this been going on?” Marek demands.

“Not long. A couple of weeks,” Ben answers.

“She’s only been here for a month!”

“This is your home and we’re guests here and I apologize, too, for sneaking around behind your back and for not telling you about… us. The thing is…” Ben rubs his mouth. “I wasn’t sure exactly what to tell you.”

I nod. “Me either. It’s…” I can’t say it. I can’t say it’s just casual. It’s just sex. It’s not just … anything. It’s more than that. But I haven’t even said that to Ben yet.

“Jesus Christ.”

“Why are you home so early?” I ask.

“Taylor wasn’t feeling well.”

I’m dying to know who Taylor is, but this isn’t the time. I nod.

“I’m so fucking pissed,” he mutters.

“I see that.”

“You were lying to me.”

“Well…” I catch Ben’s eyes again. Yeah, I’m not going to play that “well, technically” card. “Yeah.”

Marek exhales sharply. “This is fucked up.” And he turns and stalks down the hall to his room.

“Shit.” Ben turns to me. “Are you okay?”

His concern for me makes my insides soften. “I feel terrible.”

“I know.” He reaches for me and pulls me into his arms.

His hug is exactly what I need right now. I lean into him and slide my arms around his waist. Guilt burns its way up my throat. And I’m not even sure if it’s guilt about fooling around with Ben, or guilt about hiding it from Marek. Or guilt about getting caught.

I love my brother. We’re different, but we’ve always been close. I don’t like it that he’s mad at me. And I bet Ben feels the same. I lean my head back to look up at him. “I’m sorry.”

He closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Don’t apologize to me. We got into this together.”

Yeah, we did. And weirdly, that makes me feel better. To have a partner in crime. Or just a partner. Someone who accepts responsibility for his actions and doesn’t try to blame me. Someone who has my back. My eyes sting and my heart is doing weird jumpy things in my chest. This man…

“Hey.”

I look up as Marek comes into the living room the next morning. His face is set and his lack of a ridiculous greeting like “What’s the deal, banana peel?” makes me sad.

“Hey.” I worry my bottom lip between my teeth. Then I jump off the couch. “Don’t be mad at me, Marek!”

He turns his back on me in the kitchen. “I’m not mad.”

“Yes, you are! Geez, Marek.” I walk over to the counter. “I’m sorry you found out about me and Ben like that. We… it just happened, and I’m not sure what it all means right now and…” I stop. “What exactly is the problem with Ben and me hooking up?”

His shoulders are up around his ears as he makes a smoothie. “Someone’s going to get hurt.”

My eyebrows shoot up. “And who are you worried about?”

After a few seconds of sticky silence, I say, “You’re worried about Ben, aren’t you?”

He sighs. “I’m worried about both of you. Ben’s not exactly experienced in relationships. And you…” He faces me and meets my eyes. “You’ve just ended one. I still don’t know what happened with you and Julian, but I care about you and I worry about you. This is not a good idea.”

I lift my chin. “I know it’s not good timing, but it happened. We’re adults. If it’s a mistake, we’ll deal with it.”

He shakes his head, still clearly unhappy.

Which makes me unhappy, too.