3. Alec

CHAPTER 3

Alec

Alec leans his head against the seat, careful to keep his eyes on the changing landscape outside the car. Looking at Theo right now would be difficult. While Alec has had countless years to master the art of disguising his facial expressions around Theo, he apparently lost them all in one night.

Seeing Theo pull up to the curb at the airport had been one of the best and worst birthday surprises of his life. An afternoon with Theo was everything that Alec never dared to let himself hope for. He'd done his best not to make it weird, sure that Theo was just doing Jason a favor, except Theo hadn't acted put out or bored. He'd indulged Alec's tendency to ramble from one inane topic to another without warning, and even laughed a few times when Alec was being goofy to try and make him smile. The best or worst part depending on how you looked at it, was the way Theo kept looking at Alec all like he was seeing Alec for the first time.

The attention had gone to Alec's head and rendered him completely fucking stupid. That was the only explanation for Alec acting like such a fool, and trying to get Theo to hang out with him even longer. Hell, Alec didn't even like cake that much. It was alright, and if offered he'd take a slice, but he'd always preferred ice cream even on his birthday, so why he blurted out that he wanted a birthday cake was beyond him. Well, that's not entirely true. Alec knows why he said it. He said it because he's a pathetic idiot who's had feelings for his big brother's best friend for nearly a decade.

He's not a kid anymore, he's a man, thank you very much. Not that any of his brothers seem to recognize that. They all still treat him like he's sixteen and can't take care of himself. Then there is Theo who treats him, well, like an acquaintance. Not that Alec can blame him. It's all his fault, and Alec's been living with the consequences of making the worst decision of his life when he was fifteen.

He'd gone and told Theo how he felt.

Of course Theo hadn't been cruel about it. That wasn't Theo's way. He'd been nice, so fucking nice, that Alec almost wished he had been mean. It might have made it simpler to get over him. Instead he'd been sweet and thoughtful and let Alec down easy, while also putting enough distance between them that Alec knew without a shred of doubt that nothing was ever going to happen. Even if Alec can look back and know it was the right choice, that it would've been wrong on so many levels for Theo to be with him, it still hurt Alec's pride and broke his baby gay heart.

A heartache he thought he was over until Theo drove back into Alec's life in his goddamn plain brown Subaru, in his stupid sweater that made him look gentle and sweet. For a birthday gift, he'd ruined Alec's entire goddamn life by reminding Alec that Theodore James was the first man Alec had ever loved, and all these years later, he was still not over him. Not at all. Not even a little bit.

"Everything ok?" Theo asks.

It's the first thing he's said to Alec in the twenty-five minutes since they left the food truck, and the words are the emotional equivalent of someone dumping a bucket of ice water over his head. Alec's been too quiet, stuck in his head. It's not often he goes radio silent, but when there's no outlet for his energy or racing thoughts, they all turn inward and his usual happy-go-lucky thoughts spiral into darker places. Places he doesn't like to show anyone.

"I'm good, just tired," Alec lies, plastering on a smile as he stretches his legs out until his socked toes are pressed against the windshield. He can see Theo grip the steering wheel a little tighter, obviously worried about Alec's unsafe seating position, and Alec smiles wider.

They say toddlers can't tell the difference between positive or negative attention when they want it and that's why they act out. Alec's not a toddler and he works really hard to show people he's mature, but he's also not above resorting to stupid shit when he needs a distraction or more attention. In this case, he'd prefer a little less attention from Theo since having it directed towards him without Jason as a buffer has ripped the bandaid off the wound he thought had healed.

The best he can do is draw attention to himself on purpose. If there's one thing Alec's learned, it's that sometimes the more people look at you, the less they see.

"Did you know it's almost impossible for most people to lick their own elbow?"

"What?"

"It's almost impossible for most people to lick their own elbow," Alec repeats.

"Not that kind of ‘what', I heard you just fine. I just wasn't sure where that random bit of information came from."

"This baby holds the secrets of the universe," Alec says, tapping his head. "Anyways, back to what we were saying about elbow licking."

"I feel like saying we is an exaggeration." Theo snorts.

There's the faintest hint of a smile playing at the corner of his mouth and Alec's previous tension melts away. This is exactly what he wanted: Theo happy and laughing at Alec, not paying attention to his slip-up in moods.

According to Antonio, Alec is a grade-A attention whore, which isn't untrue. Not that Alec ever asked his opinion, but they both had a tendency to run their mouths while also speaking before thinking, which is probably why they get along so well. Alec liked to blame his ADHD, but since Antonio didn't have that, it was possible that it was just Alec's personality.

Much as he tried to deny it, he really does like attention, and a hell of a lot of it, too. He learned at an early age the easiest way to get that was by making people happy. It was a bonus that as he'd gotten older he genuinely loved making the people he cared about laugh and smile, but it didn't change the fact that deep down, Alec desperately wants to be seen.

Maybe it was being a Leo, or maybe it was having three successful, attractive and substantially older brothers that had left him feeling like he was chasing their shadows his entire life. He loved his brothers and he knew they loved him, but the difference in their ages left Alec living life ten steps behind. Whatever he did, they'd already done.

Realizing he's going down one of his brain spirals, he does his best to recover.

"Well, I was talking about elbow licking and you joined the conversation. Therefore, it is definitely we now," Alec says, hoping he didn't have enough lag in answering to rouse Theo's suspicions further.

For good measure he winks at Theo, the last knot of tension in his chest loosening when Theo shakes his head and laughs. In that one little act, the world rights itself. Time has changed a lot, but not everything. He can still make Theo smile.

As much as Alec wants Theo to see how much he's changed and grown, the smartest thing to do right now is play it safe. In Theo's eyes, Alec has always just been Jason's carefree little brother who could pull a smile from Theo with a sick ball trick on the field or a ridiculous joke.

The most heartbreaking part of the distance Theo put between them after Alec's failed confession wasn't even Alec's broken heart; it was feeling like he'd let Theo down. Theo didn't have a lot of people in his life and the number of people he trusted was even less. Knowing that Alec was the sole cause of the distance Theo put between them burned more than anything, and for years, there was nothing he could do to fix it.

Maybe now is his chance. Alec can be that someone for Theo again. He can make sure not to let his too-big feelings show or his tendency to spiral when he has to be still. He can be the fun, breezy guy Theo used to know without letting his traitorous heart get in the way.

"I think you're full of bullshit."

"I swear to fucking god it's true." Alec grins, his stomach muscles sore from laughing. He recounted the entire story to Theo twice now and it's no less funny the second time, nor less incredulous. "Riley swears it's an honorary frat brother tradition, but I'm still not sure why he did it naked."

For some reason Theo's smile fades with his last sentence, but when he catches Alec staring, he plasters it on bigger than ever. "I'm glad I wasn't in a frat."

"I don't think I'm the frat type, either," Alec agrees.

"Really?" Theo appears genuinely surprised. "That seems right up your alley."

"The sense of community and service?"

"I was gonna say attention-seeking behavior and parties, but that, too. Though to be fair, I don't know the first thing about what frat life is actually like outside of movies, so it's probably not all doing stupid stuff. I'm sure you'd have fun, though."

"You know I love to have fun." Alec laughs, Theo's words strangely cutting. He can't blame Theo for assuming that's all there is to him. How would he know any different? It's all most people think about Alec.

"Gotta enjoy your youth while you have it," Theo says, gripping the steering wheel with his left hand so he can reach over and ruffle Alec's curls. His fingers are there and gone before Alec can appreciate them, the small bit of contact an unexpected punch to Alec's heart.

There'd been a time when Theo used to touch him—a clap on the shoulder, a congratulatory hug or ruffle of hair. Back before Alec ruined everything with his confession. This is the first time Theo's touched him like that in six years and Alec's painfully embarrassed at how much he likes it.

Theo pulls into the driveway, shutting the engine off and turning to grace Alec with one of his rare smiles. "Welcome home, kiddo."

Just like that his heart crashes and burns. Kiddo .

"I'm twenty-one, thank you very much," Alec retorts, proud of himself for keeping any petulance out of his tone.

"Sorry, my mistake. Happy birthday, big boy."

"Shut up," Alec huffs, torn between arousal and amusement. Desperate to get out of the car and away from the risk of being touched and making another life-altering mistake, he reaches for the door handle. "Race you to the door."

"Not everything is a race."

"That's what slow people say." Alec bolts from the car and takes the stairs two at a time. He pauses halfway up when he doesn't hear Theo following, realizing he's gone and gotten Alec's luggage from the trunk. He waits until Theo's locked his car and can see Alec before turning around to take the stairs backwards. "I'm still beating you."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

The suitcase clunks on the edge of each of the stone steps as Theo drags it up, his eyes never leaving Alec's. It's far more eye contact than he's used to from Theo and it makes Alec itch to go for a run or kick something really hard, anything to get rid of the rush of adrenaline coursing through him. He taps his fingers on his thigh and breathes in deeply, trying not to look as out of control as he feels.

"Jason said your parents put the spare key in the planter," Theo says when he's reached the landing at the top of the steps.

"I moved that months ago. Mom and Dad are nuts if they think keeping a key outside is okay. I have seen way too many true crime documentaries to allow that."

"Since when do you watch true crime?"

"There's a whole world of things you don't know about me, Theodore."

"No one calls me Theodore."

"And yet I just did." Alec winks before squatting down, digging his spare set of house keys out of his suitcase.

"How did you know you'd need a house key if your parents' trip this weekend was last minute?" Theo asks.

"I'm obviously the full package." He bats his long eyelashes at Theo, grinning. "I'm sexy and smart and some other things that are not fit to say in front of polite company."

Theo snorts. "You are definitely something."

"I'm taking that as a compliment." Alec grins before unlocking the front door. He turns the key, hand hovering over the handle before he turns back to look at Theo.

"What's up, kiddo?"

Alec fights off the rush of indigence he feels at hearing that a second time. It doesn't matter how much he desperately wants Theo to see him as a man, to see how much he's grown up and matured. He can't push him. All that matters is that for the first time in years, Theo is really looking at him and Alec doesn't want him to stop. Problem is, he doesn't want to make a mistake, either. He doesn't want to accidentally freak Theo out with feelings and have him run away again.

"Nothing." Alec sighs, resolved to ignore his own wants. He twists the knob, pushing the door halfway open before abruptly turning back around to face Theo. He isn't ready to let tonight be over. Not yet. Maybe he can have just a little bit more time before whatever this is ends. "Will you come in?"

"Alec."

Theo's gaze darts from Alec to the open doorway behind him, probably weighing the invitation. He knows he's pushing his luck, but Alec's always liked to push boundaries.

"Please," Alec whispers in a tone that feels embarrassingly close to begging. "I had fun tonight and I?—"

Someone giggles in the house, followed by a loud thud and more stifled laughter. Heart stuttering in his chest, Alec swivels on his heels just in time for the lights to turn on and a house stuffed with people to scream "Happy Birthday!"

He turns back around to look at Theo's smile, desperately trying to return the expression. He should be grateful, excited, but all he can feel is a crushing sense of disappointment at the realization that Theo hadn't missed him. Theo had been doing Jason a favor.

"Alec, my man!" Riley yells, slinging an arm around Alec's shoulder.

Riley's got a good six inches on Alec, though most of his friends do. When he pulls Alec in for a hug, it shoves Alec's face into his chest and Alec breathes in a little deeper, always relieved at how much his friends indulge his need for touch, even the straight ones. Well, privately Theo has questions about how straight Riley Reed is, but that's not something Alec can figure out for him.

"Happy birthday, my King." Riley's voice booms through the night, the group of people around them cheering as someone passes Riley a gaudy costume crown with oversized plastic jewels all around it. It's absolutely ridiculous, which means, naturally, Alec loves it. What he doesn't love is the way Riley picks him up and throws him over his shoulder. Just because he's smaller than everyone else doesn't mean he's fair game.

"Put me down, you overgrown caveman."

"Not my fault you're pocket-sized."

"I'm five foot eight, asshole."

"Like I said, pocket-sized." Riley slaps his ass. "Enjoy the ride. Onward to debauchery!"

The sole upside to being on Riley's shoulders is that it gives him a perfect view of Theo while people file back into the house. Everyone except Theo, that is. He remains in the shadows, something sad in his smile and Alec can't stand it. No matter how much it breaks his heart, no matter how much he knows Theo will never return his feelings, what he misses more than anything is being able to call Theo his friend.

"Put me down, fucker!" Alec tries one more time. When that doesn't work, he resorts to desperate measures and slaps Riley's ass to get his attention. It works, perhaps too well, because Riley coughs and Alec cackles. Serves him right.

"What's going on?" Riley asks, setting him down. He turns to follow Alec's gaze towards the front porch and raises his eyebrows.

"Fuck off," Alec grumbles, giving Riley a shove. The fucking giant of a man doesn't even budge as Alec stomps past him until he's standing directly in front of Theo.

"I will not fuck off, but I will stay ten feet away," Riley grudgingly agrees, leaning against the door frame. He crosses his arms over his chest like some kind of guard dog and Alec can't help but shake his head. His friends are the best, but also a pain in the ass. Besides Antonio, he's definitely closest to Riley. They met last year and have been thick as thieves ever since. Aside from his brother Charlie, they're the only two people alive who know how Alec feels about Theo.

"Down, puppy." Alec laughs, patting Riley's arm. Riley has been protective of Alec since the day they met. To be fair, it tracks given the way they met. While he appreciates that Riley cares, he can handle himself just fine. He's not fifteen anymore. He's not gonna confess his undying love to Theo, he's not a totally pathetic moron even if he feels like it, walking to Theo with a house full of people staring.

Theo shoves his hands in his pocket, watching Alec's approach with clear confusion. "What are you doing? You know your party is inside, right?"

"Then why are you out here?" Alec counters. Maybe he's not a total moron, but he's definitely a partial one. He can't stay away from Theo even if he tries. Worse, he doesn't want to. "It's a party."

"I can see that." Theo laughs. "That's a very nice crown you've got there."

"I know, right?" Alec adjusts his crown, making sure to pull a few curls out. "I look even more handsome."

Theo doesn't reply, but Alec doesn't expect him to. He just can't turn off the part of his brain that flirts with everyone he likes.

"Come inside."

"Go have fun," Theo counters.

"I won't have fun if I know you're sulking out front in the dark."

"I don't sulk."

"Do too," Alec challenges, closing the distance between them and jabbing his finger into Theo's chest. "Get your ass inside and have fun, Theodore."

"It's your birthday." He shrugs in that casual way of his. "I'm pretty sure you're the one who is supposed to go have fun."

"If it's my birthday, then I'm the boss, right? Or the king. The birthday king."

"I suppose it does," Theo agrees, "though I'm not sure if there are actually birthday rules or parameters."

"Rule number one of birthdays: no arguing about parameters."

"What's rule number two?" Theo asks, licking his lips.

Alec has to bite back his desire to say ‘give the birthday boy a kiss'. He doesn't think that joke would go over well given their history, especially since it's not a joke if it's what he wants. Age has done Theo wonders. If Theo at eighteen was his gay awakening and Theo at twenty-two had been Alec's first love, then Theo at twenty-nine is something infinitely more beautiful. He's filled out, his baby face gone, his body softer in some places and his heart harder in others.

He's handsome in a way that aches. Alec has spent his entire life comparing other men to him and not one of them has ever held up. He's not sure they ever will.

"Alec?" Theo whispers.

"Rule number two is have fun," Alec blurts, giving in to his impulses and grabbing Theo's wrist. He gives it a tug, heart thundering in his chest when Theo doesn't resist.

"Alright, Alec, just for you."

Alec pulls Theo to the house, ignoring Riley's furrowed eyebrows. It's Alec's birthday. He can have this one night with Theo before everything goes back to how it was before.

"You done hiding yet?"

Alec cocks his head up, eyeing Riley. He's had a fair few drinks now, his hoodie removed to reveal his loose tank and strong arms. He looks relaxed and happy, everything Alec should be. His party has been great so far, filled with good music and good friends and Theo. So much Theo.

Despite the people clamoring for Alec's attention, his eyes had been drawn to Theo all night. Half with worry over him drinking more than he normally does, and half with appreciation for the sight of his broad chest when he'd removed his sweater. He also kept popping up everywhere Alec was and after the third time Theo ruffled Alec's hair, he'd escaped into the kitchen under the guise of getting a drink hoping no one would look for him.

"M'not hiding," Alec protests, nursing his red plastic cup like it has the answers to the universe. He dumped the spiked punch out the first chance he got and replaced it with orange juice. With Alec's ADHD, alcohol makes him even more loose-lipped and impulsive, which is the last thing he needs.

"Sure, and you're just hanging out in the kitchen, not getting the attention you love and deserve on your birthday for no reason."

"Fuck off," Alec grumbles.

Riley laughs, grinning. It's one of the reasons Alec loves him so much. He might be a year younger than Alec, but his big brother vibes make him seem older than he is. The oldest of five siblings, nothing ruffles his feathers. Not Alec's boisterous good moods, nor his occasional bad ones. Even Antonio rarely gets to see this side of Alec.

"Dance with me."

"You dance with me and people are gonna talk."

"Then people can talk, and if they have something rude to say, they can answer to these." He flexes his arms. He's incredibly fit, if you're into that kind of thing. Alec prefers something softer. Or someone.

"You got a permit for those guns?"

"Sure do, sweetheart." Riley puffs out his chest before lifting both arms to show them off, dropping a kiss to each of his massive biceps. "They are only used for good, I promise. Now get your ass into the backyard and dance with me."

The hint of malaise threatening his good mood fades as he lets Riley drag him into the backyard. Jason did a good job. Their Christmas lights are strung up along the fence line and clusters of rainbow balloons hang from the archways. It looks like a cross between a five-year-old's birthday and a frat party, and it's everything Alec could've wanted.

"Make way for the King," Riley bellows, guiding Alec into the center of the dance floor. Well, dance floor might be a bit of a stretch; it's just a series of gym mats Jason dragged out into the middle of the yard, but with the music blaring, people around them dancing and the stars above them twinkling, it's easy to imagine. The mood is high and Alec can't stop from smiling, grateful to his friend for dragging him out of his hiding spot. If he'd been left alone any longer, his mood would've soured quickly.

When Riley manhandles Alec into the middle of the crowd, his giant hands settle on Alec's hips.

"You sure you're straight?"

"I can appreciate a hottie when I see him."

Alec throws his head back and laughs, focusing on the thrum of music as he begins to move his body. Dancing is a bit like soccer for Alec, the more his body moves, the quieter his mind gets. It's all too easy to close his eyes and focus on the beat as he sways his hips and lets go. The only thing that would've made tonight better is having Antonio here, but he won't be back stateside until the day their pre-season training begins next week.

"Damn, King, you got some moves."

It's Alec's turn to puff up his chest. He's a good dancer and he knows it. Spinning on his heels, he comes face to face with Riley, who is definitely a little drunk judging by his pupils.

"You sure you're good? People are staring," Alec says. As close as he and Riley have become this last year, he's still a straight guy being grinded on by his very gay friend in the middle of a nosy crowd. Not that he thinks anyone here would care about seeing two guys dancing, but a lifetime of having to be careful in locker rooms has affected how much he relaxes sometimes. The large group that had been here when the party started has nearly doubled, and Alec's not even sure he knows everyone here anymore.

Riley blinks twice, and then smirks. "If they're watching, we better give them a show."

Alec's smile widens. He loves his friends.

Grabbing a fistful of Riley's loose tank, he tugs him close before a dramatic show of dropping to the floor and then gliding back up Riley's body. Around them people holler and whistle. Delighting in the attention they're garnering, Alec does it again, looping his arms around Riley's neck and practically humping his legs. Riley holds his own, rocking his hips against Alec's without a care in the world.

They continue to dance, the crowd around them getting closer as they shift from observing to dancing. The song changes to something equally fast and Riley makes no move to step away as Alec continues to dance, his earlier stress all but gone.

"Can I have the next dance?"

"Who you asking, sweetheart?" Riley replies, his hand still on Alec's chest as he comes out of his dancing haze and blinks at the girl in front of him. Audrey. Aubrey. Something like that. He's pretty sure she's friends with Eddie.

"You," she answers, eyes never leaving Riley. "Unless you're taken."

"He's too young for me," Alec replies, earning him a curious look from the girl and a booming bark of laughter from Riley.

"Maybe you should join AARP as a dating pool."

Alec flips him off, biting back a smile at Riley's laughter as he weaves his way through the crowd towards the edge of the dance floor. It's not that he couldn't dance alone, or with one of his other friends, but most of them aren't as cool with the level of contact Alec enjoys while dancing. That or they're also queer, and the last thing Alec needs is to lead someone else on. He's been told too many times that his flirty, tactile personality is teasing. It gets exhausting and he's not in the mood to play that game tonight.

His sneakers have barely touched grass when strong, warm fingers encircle his wrist and stop him from moving any further.

"Wha—" but the rest of the word dies on his tongue when he catches sight of who it is.

"Hi."

"Hey."

"Happy birthday," Theo whispers, words a little slower than normal.

"You said that already." Alec grins.

"Oh." Theo blushes, the light stain of pink coloring his cheekbones. It's a good look on him. Everything is a good look on him. "You looked like you were having fun."

"I was," Alec says, not entirely sure what's going on or why Theo is still holding on to his wrist.

Theo doesn't answer right away, licking his lips and staring down at where his own hand is wrapped around Alec's wrist like he's only just noticed. He loosens his grip and pulls his hand back, breathing heavy. The rise and fall of Theo's chest is more noticeable without his usual sweater, especially since his white t-shirt fits him like a second skin. The material clings to the breadth of his wide chest and the small swell of his soft tummy, reminding Alec how much bigger he is. Eyes traveling upward, he takes in the deep V of Theo's shirt, which exposes the light dusting of hair on his chest. Everything about Theo's body screams man and Alec can barely bite back a whimper. He is gay. So very, very gay.

"You danced with a guy."

"Comes with the territory," Alec smirks.

"I'm bi," Theo blurts.

"I know," Alec says, fighting back a laugh. He's never actually seen Theo drink and it's kind of adorable to see the normally calm, collected man be so awkward. "I've known since you were sixteen, remember?"

"I like men more, though. Men are so sexy."

All the blood in Alec's body rushes to his dick and he squirms. That he definitely didn't know.

"I was watching you dance."

"Riley's straight," Alec says, hating the bitter tinge of jealousy he feels. Riley might be younger than Alec, but with his stubbled jaw and impressive physique, he doesn't look it. Alec's been cursed with a damn baby face and an inability to grow facial hair. Last week someone asked him if he was old enough to have his driver's license and Alec had nearly screamed.

"I wasn't—never mind," Theo mumbles. He sighs heavily, scrubbing a hand over his face. The smile that was on his face just a moment ago is gone, replaced with something heavy. It makes Alec want to do anything to put it back. Theo deserves to smile more.

"Will you dance with me?"

"How drunk are you?" Alec asks, positive sober Theo would never dance, especially not with Alec. It's not that he doesn't want to dance with him. He wants to, so much. He just doesn't want to be the thing Theo regrets the next day.

"Drunk enough," Theo laughs, and god, the sound is like fucking music to his ears. Theo's laughter is a beautiful thing, deep and rumbly and not given freely. "But I do want to dance. With you. Will you dance with me, Alexander?"

Alexander .

No one calls him that. No one. It's what Theo used to call him. Before. But then things changed and he stopped calling him Alexander. Stopped calling him anything. Soon Theo said Alec like everyone else, and Alec hasn't let anyone call him Alexander since.

Drunk Theo apparently doesn't remember any of that, though. It is such a monumentally cruel joke from the universe to give Alec exactly what he wants for his birthday, without any of it being real.

Saying yes would be one of the stupidest things Alec has ever done, which is saying something. He knows Theo is asking Alec to dance because he's the only person at this party that he knows besides Jason, who is too drunk to dance. And the twins, neither of whom dance. He's not asking for any of the reasons Alec wishes. He's drunk and trying to have fun, but Alec should still say no before he gets in too deep.

"Alexander," Theo whispers, and Alec is a fucking goner. He would do anything for this man, including break his own heart.

He falls into Theo's space, molding himself to Theo's side. "Alright then, big guy, show me what you've got."

Whatever he expects to happen, it's not Theo draping himself around Alec before he sways his hips from side to side. While he lacks the coordination and confidence Riley showed on the dance floor, he makes up for it by the fact that he's exactly who Alec has always wanted to dance with. This is Alec's teenage fantasy come true and it takes everything in him not to close his eyes. Instead, he keeps them open, trying to memorize every moment.

Their hips sway and though Theo can't quite match the tempo, it's clear he's trying. It takes a few minutes before Theo's hands settle along his side, the touch light, almost as if he isn't sure if he's allowed. Alec covers Theo's hands with his own, giving them a squeeze before inching them lower until Theo's hands settle low on Alec's hips. He continues to sway his hips when he stumbles, falling against Alec's back and tightening his grip.

"Sorry," he huffs.

"You're fine." The touch is searing and Alec has to close his eyes to conceal his expression. This is everything he's ever wanted and it hurts more than it has any right to.

"This is fun," Theo says and Alec forces his eyes open.

It's worth it to see the way Theo's face relaxes, the lightest sheen of sweat clinging to his brow as he towers over Alec. He's a horrible fucking dancer, and Alec's heart is in his throat at how much he still loves him after all these years. It's always like this. Whether he goes weeks or months without seeing Theo, trying to get over him, the second he's around him he's reminded that it's always been Theo.

"Are you having fun?" Theo asks, shaking the hair from his eyes. "At your birthday, I mean. It's your party because you're the birthday boy."

He's so stupidly drunk it's adorable.

"I am." Alec grins.

Theo loosens his hold but doesn't move his hands.

"This okay?" Theo whispers, breath warm where it ghosts across Alec's cheek. His breath is sweet from the punch, but tinged with the scent of cheap beer, serving as a harsh reminder that Theo wouldn't be holding him if he were sober.

"Yeah, Theo. It's okay."

Across the dance floor, Alec catches sight of Riley watching them and averts his gaze, knowing he isn't doing a good job of hiding his own feelings right now. He's only lucky Theo is behind him, and drunk, so he has no idea. He makes up his mind here and now to do anything necessary to ensure Theo never finds out he's still in love with him again.