Chapter 8

Sitting on the back porch, I sip my coffee as I watch the sunrise. It is so peaceful out here in the summer. When Boris asked me what I wanted in a home, one of the first things I told him I had always pictured was a huge screened-in porch where I could watch the sunrise.

He, of course, made my dreams come true and more. Not only is the porch large, but there are also all different kinds of furniture placed out here for every mood I could be in. Since we're in Russia, he had heaters installed along the edge of the porch so in the winter we can still enjoy this special space. He really did think of everything.

When I'm overwhelmed, I want to be comfortable, so I sit in the papasan chair that has a soft cushion surrounding it.

When I'm happy, I like to sit in the rocking chair that sits at the edge of the screen, so I can watch the squirrels and birds milling about in the yard in the mornings. Boris loves to sit there with me and even has a matching chair.

Some days, it makes me feel like we're an old married couple as we sit here rocking, just enjoying the silence together. I love every second of it.

Today, I'm in an egg-like chair; It gives me a sense of serenity and helps me shut out the world around me. Everything except for the sun and a few trees.

I hear the creak of the patio door before his scent washes over me a moment later. Cillian has always smelled like freedom to me. His family always told him to play outdoors, and even after he was kidnapped and brought back to them, they made him venture back out again.

"Good morning, Sweetheart."

His rough voice greets me as he takes a seat on the couch beside me. He sprawls out on it, his legs wide as he drops his head back.

"Good morning."

That's the best thing about both of the men in my life. None of us feels the need to fill the silence. Even though a thousand questions hang in the air between us, a lot of time passes before he says anything.

Men in my life? Did I really just think that?

"Tell me one thing that changed you in the last three years?"

He doesn't lift his head, just gives me time to think. I could say something as simple as I no longer drink black tea because it reminds me too much of my mother. Or something as deep as I colored my hair to remind me of the promise I made to my sister.

I go with something in the middle.

"Evie taught me how to fight and helped me figure out what that means to me."

Silence stretches before he finally speaks, his tone low. "What does it mean to you?"

I take a deep breath and sip on my coffee before I answer. "I think my father trained me so well in shooting because that way I was only something to fear from afar. That way, if he kept me close, he never had to watch his back."

Cillian chuckles, but not in a funny way. It's sinister, like he also drew a similar conclusion.

"Fighting and learning to fight meant that I became someone for him to fear at all times from every distance, and I like that."

He sits up then, crossing his feet at the ankles as they stretch in front of him.

"After I thought you died, I went on a killing spree."

My eyes go wide at that. "I knew Adrik was a piece of shite and I was done working for him. I was careful. He never had any idea his men were dying under his nose. But every man that helped take down that tower with you inside met their end within a week of it going down."

My lips part in shock.

"I was messed up before that, but I think that was the moment my mind actually broke." Cillian looks unhinged at the admission, his eyes so wide they appear to bug out of his head. That's a big thing to confess.

I can't help what I do next. I might be pissed at him and might need to draw a line between us. But I remember the scared little boy my father saved from the mobsters who tried to take over part of his territory.

My feet carry me to him of their own accord. I sit next to him, curling into his side and wrapping him in a hug. Cillian's arms surround me. It's then I realize that while we have both changed, some things will always be the same. I will always comfort him when he's hurting, and he will always hold me when I need to be held.

I breathe him in while he seems to do the same. I swear I'm transported in time, back to the night he told me he loved me.

The sky is dark, but his arms embracing me are sure and comforting. The stars shine brighter than I think they ever have as Cillian rubs a hand down my side.

Goosebumps travel through my body everywhere his fingers make contact. He is everywhere all at once. My comfort. My home.

College for us was like a dream come true, but graduating felt like a life sentence. My father agreed to let me marry Cillian, but his parents are not happy, and we think they are planning to make a fuss.

Dread tries to stir in my stomach, but Cillian turns us until he is covering half of my body, pushing me back into the grass on the hillside.

"No matter what happens, it's you and me." His promise is so genuine, the look in his eyes so sincere.

My hand cups his face as I nod in agreement. "You and me."

"I love you, Nessa. As long as the stars are in the sky, my love for you will shine bright."

He kept his promise in every way. Even when my father retaliated against his parents. Even when we knew the only option was for him to run away. And even after I thought one of my father's men killed him in the process. His love was something bright I held onto in my heart.

"I'm sorry I chose to do my own thing. I should have been a better team player."

I nod into his chest. "You should have." I can't hear him laugh, but his chest vibrates with it, causing me to smile. I need to sit up and create distance between us, but I can't bring myself to do it just yet. "But I forgive you."

He squeezes me tight. "I know you think you've changed too much for me, but I think we both changed for the better."

My brows pinch as I sit up in his hold. "What do you mean?"

The wind blows some of my hair across my face, and his fingers reach out to tuck the stray strands behind my ear. Familiar goosebumps erupt all over as I refrain from leaning into his touch.

"The only way for us to survive this world was to become stronger than those who raised us."

A shaky breath escapes me. If only Enya had gotten that same chance.

"I think we needed time apart to do that. Now, I think we could make the perfect team."

My mouth opens to disagree with him, even if my heart agrees. But Cillian stops me, shaking his head. I don't want to hurt him or lead him on, but I need him to understand how much Boris means to me.

"I'm not saying I want you to run away with me off into the sunset." Warm eyes meet mine. "All I'm saying is that maybe there's a reason we found each other again."

That I can't argue with. Cillian was meant to be in my life, I just need him to accept my choices within it.

"Let's go for a walk, the weather is beautiful."

"It's only like this for about a month or so." After that, I have to use the heaters on the porch in the mornings.

"Only you would choose a place that is as cold as the Arctic to settle down. The girl that loved the sun and rainbows chose the feckin' tundra."

I laugh as Cillian stands, offering me his hand. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm just causing more pain for myself in the long run, but I take it. I have a feeling that the boy I once knew is so much closer to the surface than I realized, and my heart is aching for him.

???

After four days with Cillian, I'm beginning to realize maybe he hasn't changed so much. He still does all the same things I used to love, like picking me random flowers that are really just weeds when we're out on a walk. And the way he tells stories with his whole body makes me laugh more times than I can count.

The minute he stopped acting like someone I should fear, he became the boy I once knew. Boris sees it too. I was nervous he'd be offended by all of the time Cillian has been spending with me, but he seems to enjoy it. Every time I find him watching us, he's smiling. He loves to hear Cillian tell all of my embarrassing stories too.

The two of them getting along could be dangerous. The more I get used to having them both, the more anxious I am about having to say goodbye to Cillian again.

But I try not to think about that and embrace the time we all get together. I feel like I am glowing when I get to be with both of them. Boris makes me happy, but Cillian makes me laugh like I did when I was a kid. It's a special kind of feeling I never knew I was missing until he brought it back.

Turning the corner into the kitchen, I watch as Cillian coaches Boris on making bread. Staying out of sight, I try not to laugh when Boris' face scrunches up like he doesn't understand. Cillian doesn't give him a hard time though, he just reaches over and shows him how to knead it the correct way.

That's one thing that surprised me about Cillian. He has always been a big touchy-feely person with me, but never with other people. Not even his family. So the fact that he has no problem with throwing an arm around Evie, or teaching Boris how to knead bread shows how comfortable he is with the people in my life.

It makes me hopeful for a future where he can stay close. Even if the idea of him not being in the house hurts, I know it is for the best. The longer we are together, the fuzzier the line between us grows.

Deciding it's time to make myself known, I walk into the kitchen right as Boris starts to master the technique.

"Not too bad for an old man," Cillian says with a wink, nudging him.

Boris rolls his eyes, but a smile plays on his lips while one splits across my face without hesitation.

"With age comes wisdom," Boris hums.

"You must be a genius then."

I walk around the counter and smack Cillian on the back of the head, making him chuckle as he ducks down.

"Okay, okay. I'll be nice."

Grabbing a water bottle out of the fridge, I crack open the lid while listening to the two of them banter. They are making bread for all of the guys to come over while the girls head to Evie's for a chill night.

I mentally prepare myself for Laney to beg to do my nails while Evie tries to encourage her as a way to make sure she doesn't have to get hers done too.

I love my friends though. They make this family we've created feel whole. Even if half of what they talk about is them juggling having multiple men in their life, it's always fun to sit back and listen.

I have learned so much about polyamory I never knew before. I once jokingly told Laney to find me a harem of my own. I know Boris though, and that's not him. Monogamy is all that makes sense to him, even if he does accept his son for not living that same lifestyle.

Sighing, I reach around Boris and help him mimic Cillian's movements. It would be a crime to allow bread this good to go to waste.

Cillian smiles as he watches me. He's accepted what Boris and I have so easily the past few days. Cillian no longer tries to pick a fight, and Boris has stopped being so territorial.

Yesterday, when Boris walked onto the patio to find my legs draped over Cillian's lap because I refused to move from my spot simply because he'd arrived, he just took up the spot on the other side of me until I was lying back on his shoulder. It was one of the most peaceful mornings I have had in a while.

We all know there will be work to do the second we have a call or an update. But for now, it's like we are getting a chance to take a breath and enjoy these moments.

By the time we place the bread in the oven, I'm sure the smile that's on my face is going to stay for a long time.