Chapter 9

Standing on the front porch, I press a long kiss to Nessa's lips. She is headed to hang out with Evie for the night while my son and his friends come over to the house.

Laney and her men had to cancel because they apparently just got some groundbreaking information for their current mission and needed to stay home and work. It has something to do with this therapist also being important to my nephew, someone he knew when he was a child.

Frankly, the relationship dynamics in this family of ours can be pretty complex to keep up with most days. My nephew and his boyfriend are both Laney's boyfriends. Then there's my son, who has two other men he shares his wife with, and those two men are also together.

It is all a lot to process some days, but it has become our normal.

"Have fun, and behave," I whisper in her ear as we separate.

She beams at me. "I always behave."

When she turns to leave, I smack her ass for being a tease as well as a little liar.

"Hey," she shouts as she walks backward to her death trap of a vehicle. "I'll get you back for that."

I chuckle as she gets into her vehicle and drives away, watching until she disappears down the drive. Nessa definitely keeps me on my toes, but I wouldn't have it any other way. The thought has me smirking to myself.

When I turn to move back into the house, I startle, finding Cillian directly behind me.

"What the hell?" I ask, taking a step back.

"Well, I had to see her off too. I'm nothing if not a complete gentleman."

He tilts his head to the side, and I wonder how long he has been there. Did he watch us kiss? Is his presence the reason Nessa acted out like it was a little show?

"You coming inside?" he asks while I stand there. "They'll be here soon, and we need to take the bread out and get the drinks ready."

I shake the surprise off as I step into the house, beginning to wonder when Cillian became the one who had things in order.

"We try not to have alcohol in front of Damien. He has been sober for a little over two years and doesn't mind if we drink, but out of respect for him we tend not to."

I feel it is important to inform Cillian of that before he starts grabbing drinks to bring into the living room.

"Got it. I prefer water most of the time anyway. I don't need a scotch to have a grand time."

"Agreed," I say with a shrug. I cannot remember the last time I sat in my office with a scotch in front of me. It had to be before Nessa. Working is no longer enjoyable for me sober or slightly buzzed. The only time I like my office anymore is if my girl is there with me. And I think she would slap me for drinking on the job.

After we carry the drinks and food over to the coffee table, Cillian helps me pull out the large poker table we plan on using tonight. I was going to offer to play with fake money. That is, until Alexi informed me of Cillian's bank account information.

I was not snooping, but I called to make sure he had what he needed when Alexi informed me just how much he has to his name. I have no idea why the kid keeps all of it just set aside, only spending what he needs to get by.

Although I have only ever known a lavish lifestyle, maybe we all learn to live in the way we were brought up. I do not flaunt my money or my status. It is only really important when in the boardroom and settling deals anyway. Outside of that, it is nothing to lord over others. At least, not to me.

But I do like nice things. I appreciate artists, the time spent honing their craft, and the painstaking hours that go into a singular piece.

I try to buy from artists whose pieces I enjoy, but also ones who I can help support in some way. It brings me a sense of pride that I can do some good in the world using the money I made off illegal deals. Because, although I believe my heart is pure, I am not a good man.

The drug trade is not the only thing I have ever dealt in. When inheriting the Bratva and businesses from my father, I dealt in all sorts of illegal trade. Men, women, guns, ammunition, stolen gems, priceless art. You name it, I have likely dealt with it. Just never children.

As I grew, things changed. But none so much as it has in the past few years. Evie keeps us all fairly above board. We still deal heavily in drugs and weapons trade, but people are something we refuse to partake in any longer.

I grab a few last minute things from the fridge when I hear the doorbell ring.

"I got it," Cillian says.

He has been very helpful the past few days, and I can honestly say that I do not mind having him around. The way Nessa is with him, almost like she is floating on a cloud, brings me joy to see.

At first I was threatened by it, but she made it very clear who she chose. Although, I am left to wonder if she is slowly beginning to change her mind.

I see the lingering looks and touches. It is like he holds a piece of her that is reserved for him alone. She laughs with Cillian in a way she has never laughed with me. He brings out this almost childlike version of her, one I have never had the pleasure of seeing before.

And although I love to see her happy, I sometimes wonder if she could be happier with me out of the picture.

Even if I wanted to, I cannot bring myself to be mad about what is so clear in front of me, no matter how much it may hurt. I promised her I would do whatever she needed to be happy, so seeing her like this is what has the doubt creeping into my mind about just how well the two of us fit together.

???

We are all at the poker table, eyeing each other carefully. So far, Lev has surprised most of us by bluffing his way through three rounds and forcing everyone to fold. Cillian is much better at reading people than I could have imagined. He has Alexi and all of his mannerisms pegged.

At one point, Alexi nearly had an aneurysm and made Cillian go change into a short sleeved shirt because he was sure he was hiding cards in his sweatshirt. Cillian gladly changed, and then proceeded to win the next two hands.

Either the kid is insanely lucky, or he is a master at sleight of hand.

I am about to deal the last hand when Cillian's phone lights up, Nessa's face popping up on the screen. Immediately, I check my phone to see if I missed a call and wonder why she would be calling him.

My phone is blank though.

Cillian picks up his phone with a Cheshire grin, and I see Nessa look as if she stumbles over something on the screen right as he accepts the call.

"Shite, why did we leave our clothes on the floor?" Nessa asks, not even looking at the camera.

"I think we were racing," Evie's voice comes from the background, but it is very clear the two of them are drunk.

"Hello, Sweetheart."

"Oh, shite." Nessa looks at the phone. "Wait, why did I call him?"

Evie bursts into a fit of laughter behind her while I am left to wonder if she is calling him with no clothes on. When I lean to the side, I can see she borrowed one of Evie's bikinis. It is not tied very tight though, and her breasts are close to spilling out of the top.

"The tattoo," Evie reminds her.

"Oh yeah. Killer, Evie said you told her your tattoo was for someone you loved and lost. I need to know, is it for me?"

Cillian pales ever so slightly, but smirks nonetheless to put on a show for her.

"Quite presumptuous, Love. Don't ya think? You might be a tad drunk."

Nessa snorts. "Much more than a tad. Tell me."

Everyone's eyes are on Cillian at the table. He clears his throat and stands. "Nice evening, lads. I'm going to take this call up to my private space now. Drive safe."

He waves a hand and walks out of the room. My eyes track him the whole way as he jokes with Nessa. I may not be great at poker, but even I can read it on his face.

The tattoo is for her.

I had a feeling ever since I met him that the red mark had something to do with my little fox, but seeing his reaction now is confirmation enough. I want to know what he is telling her. What made him get it there? Why does she need to know so badly?

"You can follow him," Alexi says, reading me well.

However, I am not that person. Whatever Nessa and Cillian talk about, they have the right to keep between the two of them. I shake my head as Alexi deals the final hand, and we fall into a tense silence.

Damien reaches out, taking Lev's hand as Alexi leans close to Damien. You can see how comfortable they all are with each other. It makes sense how their dynamic works so well, even if I didn't understand it in the beginning.

And while I might understand them, I simply cannot picture that for myself. I do not want to be close to Cillian. I do not have any urge to touch him or be in the same bed as him.

While my brain has wandered to what the two of us could do to Nessa, I always settle on the idea that it would be temporary or he would leave after. Never something as permanent as what my son has.

Is that selfish of me?

I can see all the ways Nessa is cared for when she is with Cillian. He makes her laugh and brings out the youth in her. With me, it is as if we are an old married couple. We enjoy the silence and the peace, but is that all she wants? Am I everything she really needs, or is my place in her life something that should have been temporary?

I fold in the first round, unable to pay attention to anything other than my spiraling thoughts.

If Cillian is what is best for her, do I have the strength in me to actually walk away?